Lost and Found
by Touchstone67
Summary: A series of slash outtakes from Safe and Sound-they are only possible moments from the story, and do not, in any way, affect the storyline, or outcome, of Safe and Sound. Jasper/Edward Rated M for language/sexual situations
1. Sugar Me Sweet

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-While this is S&S J/E, they are only possible moments from the story, and do not in any way affect the storyline, or outcome, of Safe and Sound.

This is dedicated to someone very special, all 4k words; they know who they are and what they do to me. Happy birthday, bb, I hope you like it.

Huge thanks to **C Me Smile**- for the uber quick turn around on this piece so I could get it done in time.

"****~~**"**

Sugar Me Sweet

Location: Forks, WA (Curiosity)

"****~~**"**

"I'm hot, sticky sweet  
From my head to my feet yeah

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little  
Tease a little more"-Def Leppard

"****~~**"**

"Do you think they're real?" I asked, my eyes growing wide in awe… or perhaps fear, at the rather enormous breasts on the glossy centerfold spread out, in more than one way, between Edward and myself.

Sitting next to me, Edward stared as intently as I did at the model's nude form lying across a black leather ottoman. When he didn't reply to my question, I nudged him with my elbow, making him jump a bit.

"Sorry," he mumbled, moving the magazine as he shifted his weight a little. We both sat on the edge of his bed, close enough so our knees were touching while we balanced the magazine our laps. Her extremely long legs were open, exposing her naked 'pussy', as Edward called it. Flat muscles in her abdomen led up to ribs that protruded from the awkward position she was in.

But it was her breasts that entranced me, her large dark nipples were hard points as one of her hands pinched one while her other rested between her creamy white thighs. Thick, red lush lips surrounded perfect white teeth, her skin evenly fake-tanned. Long mahogany wavy hair fanned out under her delicate shoulders, while wide brown doe-eyes lazily stared at the camera.

There was a slight familiarity in her appearance.

Wavy brown hair.

Large brown eyes.

A familiarity that went straight to my dick, and I could feel it begin to lengthen in my jeans. I tried to hide the small gasp that escaped me when I quickly palmed myself with just enough pressure to release a small bolt of pleasure and send it surging through me.

I needed a distraction.

"So, do you?" I paused, but continued when he did not answer. "Ya know, think they're real?" I reminded him, glancing over to him. Messy bronze hair stuck up in almost every direction from his hands running through it multiple times since we began. It was the only slightly nervous habit I had ever seen him display; a very small crack in that cool exterior wall of his. His gray tee-shirt was spread tight across his developing chest and shoulders. I had noticed the gradual change in his body; his muscles becoming more pronounced since he began working out shortly after Bella's arrival in Forks. The coincidence was not lost on me. Hell, I had even joined him a few times, but I was still lankier…and taller. I still had a few inches on him; something I was secretly proud of.

He shook his head slowly back and forth. "No fucking way those are real, Jazz. Not possible." His eyes never left her image.

"How can you be sure?" I honestly wanted to know. Was there some sort of equation for figuring this shit out?

_Width of nipple A x height of breast B = silicone over real. _

He looked over at me, with a smirk and a shrug. "Hello? Father…doctor, remember? " He sighed, glancing down at my crotch, then turned his attention back to the centerfold. "Besides, it's like, inhuman to be _that _big."

I nodded, still awed. This was the prettiest model we had seen so far, regardless of her impossibly large chest. I definitely preferred the brunette centerfolds over the blonde ones. The way their hair contrasted to their skin, or caught the fake sunlight around them, intrigued me.

There was something about brown eyes as well.

I fucking loved brown eyes.

They way they crept into my soul, asking, wanting, needing more than I could offer. Pulling my heart in two directions; want and need versus loyalty. Brown eyes set deep and wide, fluttering open under the intense light of a beam of sunshine, blinking the sleep away quickly. Brown wisps caught in thick lashes, as a tiny hand brushes them away and the sparkle stared up at me unobscured.

_Wanting._

_Needing._

Edward's cough brought me out my daydream.

"Ah, Jazz, got a problem?" he chuckled, his eyes darting to my crotch again.

Embarrassed, I followed his eyes to my rock-hard erection outlined by my jeans. There was no hiding it anymore.

I shrugged.

It wasn't the first time I had sported wood in Edward's company. Fuck, we had both been hard together before, it was to be expected at our age. I would have found it odder if neither of got hard from viewing the centerfolds, willingly open for us, exposing their assets.

We were just doing what was expected of horny-as-hell teenage boys.

'Course, I had _never_ been this hard just from looking at the magazines before. I had only been this hard once before, shortly after Bella had arrived, however, when I had allowed myself to envision her, not even naked, but rather completely dressed and kneeling before me, my dick in her little mouth. That was the one and only time I had been so frustrated, I had no choice but to take matters '_ in hand'_, so to speak, and complete the act while the vision was still fresh in my head.

I closed my eyes, remembering how good the release had felt, how I had muffled my cries with my pillow as I came hard into my hand and felt it drip onto my stomach. I continued to hold myself as I went limp, not quite ready to let the image float away, never to be recalled.

_Until now. _

I felt the warmth through my jeans on my thigh only briefly before I felt it covering my dick, pressing the zipper painfully into the tender flesh. I bit my lip, rocking my hips forward, I leaned my weight back on my hands. The pressure increased, and began to push up and down, top to bottom. Groaning, my head lulled back on my shoulders, I no longer had the strength to hold it upright.

Slowly, I felt nimble fingers make their way to the button of my jeans before fingering the tab through the slot. Tooth-by-tooth the zipper was eased down, falling open to allow the hand access. I was fucking panting by the time the fingers twirled through small dark blond hairs, sliding under elastic to bury deep in thicker curls before wrapping tightly around my shaft. There was no time to miss the touch before it returned, no longer dry and rough but now damp and wet, gripping me even tighter. It felt fucking incredible as the stroking began, ever so fucking tantalizingly slow.

Bottom to top and back down again.

Base to head, head to base.

As the pace increased, gentle, barely-there fingertips caressed my balls, kneading and releasing in time with the pumping. By now, I was laying flat on my back, my jeans and boxers around my thighs, my aching cock completely exposed as it pulsed into the warm embrace. One of my hands clenched the blanket under me, looking for anything to grab onto, while my other traveled up and under my tee shirt, bunching up black cotton as it slid further up my chest, tickling a nipple briefly before sliding back down toward my bucking hips.

Someone groaned loudly as my hand reached my curls, twisting into them, before reaching out and stopping the movement of the hand on me.

I had expected to find tiny hands.

Soft hands.

Only I didn't.

I found large hands.

Rough hands.

"What the fuck?!"

My head snapped up and my entire body jerked back and away from the invading hands. Glaring at Edward, I scrambled back a bit, instinctively reaching to cover myself and pull his hand away. My breaths were fast, my heartbeat erratic when I began tugging at his hand to release me. Instead, his grip remained around me as he returned my stare.

His eyes - they were so fucking green - so vivid with hope and darkened with passion.

Captivated, I hadn't noticed he had begun to stroke me again, only now, my hand was on top his as both our hands slowly slid up and down the silky skin of my cock that pulled and tugged under our grip.

I finally found my voice again, "Edward, wha-"

"Sshh, just let me, Jazz. Please," his deep voice rough with need. "Let me do this for you…" he swallowed hard, his eyes never wavering from mine. I had never been more entranced by an Adam's apple before. Hell, I had never even noticed one before. "For me."

I stared at Edward, shocked, terrified and yet still so incredibly turned on and fucking hard. I began to shake my head, yet, my fingers tangled even more with his as the pace quickened on my erection.

I couldn't let him touch me like this.

It was _Edward_.

Which is exactly why I _could_ let him touch me like this.

It _was_ Edward.

The shaking of my head became a nod and my eyes were drawn to his tongue as it darted out to lick his bottom lip.

Fuck me.

I took a quick breath as he leaned toward me, my gaze never leaving those glistening lips.

"I can't..." I began, but stopped when I realized.

I could.

My eyes widened as his pouty lips brushed mine. Immediately, my hand was deep in his hair, keeping him tight to me, twisting the bronze tufts, scratching his scalp as I tugged harder. My eyes closed once again, only this time there were no manufactured images of Bella, instead, the vision of a messy-haired boy with a firm chest and magical hands flooded my head.

No imagination required.

I was living the real thing.

Our teeth clicked when my mouth opened for him, hot fleshy tongues circling, lavishing soft, wet strokes against the other. I felt his tongue deep in my mouth, tracing my teeth before retreating back out to the tip of mine, teasing me with taps and tickles.

Together, our hands continued to pump. Only now the friction was eased not by salvia, but by the white drops of salty fluid that had slid from my slit down my length at the movement of our hands together.

I ached and throbbed at his touch. More than I ever thought possible.

His mouth drew back from mine, my lips wet from his attentions. He pulled away from me slightly.

I opened my eyes, surprisingly not afraid of what I might find, but instead, excited.

_Really _fucking excited.

I was not disappointed.

I had never seen Edward loose his composure. Even when we had been caught with the magazines and Doc had given us _the_ speech. Edward had kept his cool while I continuously shifted uncomfortably during the most embarrassing talk ever.

Yet, there he was, cool, calm Edward but now his chest was heaving, his lids were heavy with lust, his lips full and rosy from our kiss, his cheeks flushed with desire.

I _made_ him like this.

_Me_.

I broke through the wall of the calm façade he had constructed to keep the rest of the world out.

I felt _powerful._

Our hands continued to pump. Together, entwined and wrapped. I knew I wouldn't last much longer.

Wrists flicking, my hips were thrusting with wild abandon, completely uninhibited.

Fingers traveled up through my hair, pulling my head back even more as they weaved in the tangled curls causing me to arch my head back against the mattress. I felt tingling nips and soft, slick licks down my cheek and along the curve of my jaw and, finally, at the sensitive skin beneath my ear.

I shivered as my earlobe was caught suddenly between Edward's softly-sucking, pulling lips. His weight shifted slightly, his hard cock urgently pressing into my thigh, causing breath to hiss from his nose as he moaned into my ear.

Rhythmically, in time with my own hips and our hands, his pelvis bucked against my thigh, seeking whatever friction he could find. Knowing Edward was hard… because of me_ …for me_…caused a sensation to begin to build low in my balls.

I groaned._ Loudly._

"Fuck, Jasper. You feel so fucking good. You're so hot laying on my bed, vulnerable for me," he murmured, as he panted into my ear with moist, hot, cotton candy breath.

"I love seeing you like this and feeling your rock-hard cock in my hand." Exhaling a deep breath, he continued to tease and entice. "God, I wish it was my mouth wrapped around you instead of my hand. I want to suck you off so fucking much. Someday, Jasper, it _will be _my mouth making you lose control like this..."

He was driving me wild and he knew it. Tracing my ear with that slick ribbon of warm tongue, he whispered, "I want to see you cum so bad."

The pounding of my heart matched the throbbing of my cock as our hands flew over my arouse-slickened flesh.

"Please…" he begged, his hand traveling up my chest, forcing my shirt up with it, holding it up high as he teased a nipple to hardness.

"Ungh… fuck, Edward…" I cried out, my eyes clenched as my entire body tensed, and arched off the bed, shooting streams of warm cum onto my chest, covering our hands in the pearly fluid.

Muscles still straining for release continued to contract and relax while the last of my orgasm traveled through every fiber of my body, leaving each one coated with pleasure in its wake.

When I finally relaxed onto the bed, I realized Edward's hand was still tightly wrapped around mine, his grip not loosening on my softening dick. I could feel the sticky cum on my chest, slowly drizzling down my side, and, as I went to wipe it with my hand before it fell onto Edward's bed, he stopped me, placing his hand over mine and pulled it away. He leaned toward my chest then, his eyes on mine as his talented slick tongue lapped my sweat-sheened skin, erasing, and _tasting_, all evidence of my orgasm.

Unable to handle the visual stimulation of his sweet mouth blissfully cleaning me, l let my head fall back once again. In an attempt to calm myself, I inhaled deeply, taking in the musky scent of my arousal that hung thick in the air of his room.

I could feel his erection, still completely encased in jeans, prodding my thigh as he jabbed it into my side. I released my hand from his covering my cock, and slid it between our bodies, so his cock was now thrusting into my hand as I gripped it through his jeans as well as I could.

I continued to grope him, cupping and rubbing with force. His head rested on my shoulder, his pants leaving moist drops on my neck with each outtake of breath. His hand fisted my hair in rhythm with the movement of his hips, long bronze lashes resting on former alabaster skin, now flushed pink with intoxication from my touch. I yearned to touch my lips to his pursed ones as a frenzied rush ran through me, my mind becoming more delirious with each beat of his racing heart.

I wanted him.

When I felt his pace quicken, my fingers tangled in his damp hair and I turned my head and yanked his off my shoulder forcefully. Pulling his lips to mine, I opened wide, sliding my tongue into his hot mouth, tasting him…and _me_ on his tongue.

He growled into the kiss, his tongue reverently twisting with mine. My limp dick suddenly felt cold when he removed his hand, instead forcing it between mine and his jeans.

As we continued to kiss, I felt rough fingers fumbling with buttons, ripping them open one by one on his button fly jeans, anxious to touch himself. Feeling him begin to stroke himself feverishly turned me on so fucking much, and I felt myself begin to harden again, but I was too sensitive for more. Eager to have him reach his own release, I pushed his hand out of the way and swiped my palm across the head of his cock, smearing the pre-cum on my hand before wrapping my fingers around him.

While I never imagined I ever would have been touching Edward like this, so intimately, so lovingly, so _sexually_, I couldn't deny that it felt right.

Almost _too_ right.

No longer kissing, our open mouths panted heavy breaths into each other. Much like I had done, his hand covered my own as we both began to pump his cock. I growled when his fingers yanked the waves of my hair tightly. I was tempted to remove his hand, but the short airy gasps escaping from his mouth, along with the trembles coursing through his body hinted he would not last much longer.

I could live with the pain until then.

Of course, I could encourage him along as well.

"Ugh, Edward, you're so fucking hard for me," I whispered against his lips, my hand never ceasing its motion. "I love knowing that_ I_ do this to you. _Me_. No one else can make you feel like this."

I could barely feel his nod as he acknowledged my statement. I felt more trembling as his hips uncontrollably rocked up into my hand. His hand left mine then, his fingers brushing my knuckles as they reached the hem of his tee-shirt, pulling it up and out of the way in preparation. I watched his hand as it held his shirt up around his pecs, exposing dark, pebbled nipples.

They looked ripe and tasty.

I bit my lip to stop myself from giving into the temptation.

When my fingertips grazed his abdomen, I could feel his muscles clench firm as he tried to delay his impending orgasm.

He needed more encouragement.

"Please, darlin', I want you to cum. I want to taste you like you tasted me. I want to lick you clean."

"Oh fuck! I'm cumming,"

I quickly pushed him onto his back, and with a primal grunt and one last thrust, his orgasm overcame him, spurting seed onto his pale, taut stomach. His head and shoulders rose off the mattress with each wave that hit him, my hand slowing but not stopping, as he rode out the final hit of ecstasy.

As he flopped back onto the bed, completely sated, I released my hold on him, his softening dick falling against his balls, the remnants of his fluid dripping down coating the wrinkled skin.

"Oh my God. That was...so, so fucking wonderful," his groaned hoarsely. I placed my hand over the one that held his shirt up, and leaned over him, just as he had done to me. He watched me intently through half-lidded eyes, as I licked the cum from his naked skin, beads of sweat mixing with the essence of Edward.

Moaning against him when I felt his hand weaving into my hair, I proceeded to clean him, as tenderly, and completely as he had me. He watched me the entire time, and I swear I heard a few '_fuck me's' _murmured.

Once Edward was clean, I shifted my weight more fully onto him, and reaching up, I put a hand behind his neck and pulled his lips to mine, allowing him to taste himself on my tongue. Unconsciously, my hips slowly begin to grind against his, capturing my cock in between us, the delicious friction awakening it even more. He hissed at the contact, his dick still extra sensitive from his orgasm. Our chests, both still damp from salvia and cum, stuck together as I lay on top of him, our bodies flush, hips grinding circles together, cocks exchanging milky fluid. The buttons from his jeans cut into my tender flesh when his hands went to my hip bones, holding me to him, and he began pushing up into me.

I took his bottom lip into my mouth, suckling it slowly before releasing it and continuing to his eyelids, placing a soft kiss on each one, and then I rested my damp forehead against his, on the pieces of matted bronze hair. Our breathing had finally calmed, our bodies exhausted from satisfaction, however our cocks still ground together. Darkened emerald eyes filled with rapture deeply searched my own blue ones, _for what_, I was not sure.

Did he expect disgust? Repulsiveness?

He found neither.

It was simple. I felt neither. I felt only devotion…and love, to the boy who saved me. If this was what he need, what he _craved_, I would not deny him.

Fuck. Who was I kidding? I _could _not deny him.

I finally stilled my hips, my focus returning to my orgasm-fogged mind. Hands moved from my hips, sliding down over the curve of my ass and I felt the pads of his thumbs caressing the delicate flesh of my dimples.

Exhaling before I kissed him delicately, affectionately, in an attempt to convey the emotions I felt - the love that ran through my blood for him, not just because of what he had just done for me, but the love I felt for him every day.

Every moment of every day.

"We need to stop, Edward," I murmured against his lips, "before that happens again."

When I began to pull away, I was stopped by a hand in my hair, gently twisting the wet waves.

"That's exactly why we shouldn't stop, "he chuckled, his voice velvet with arousal. I laughed and finally pulled away, kneeling between his legs, I let my tee shirt slide down and pulled my boxers and jeans up, hissing as the rough cloth scraped my growing erection.

I am not sure I had ever seen a more beautiful sight than Edward laying under me, sticky bare-chested, eyes glowing with love, succulent lips plump from desire and greed, hair mused from urgent hands tugging in their yearning for more, semi-hard sleek cock still dripping with rhapsody onto the reddish-brown curls surrounding it.

Even if I never saw him this way again, I would have this memory to recall during my darkest times, as it will always be Edward's light that guided me out from the blackness of self-contempt and confusion.

I ran a finger down his chest, his abs quivering under my light touch, his cock twitching as my thumb wiped the drops off and brought it to my mouth to taste his nectar one last time.

"Mmmm, mmmm good," I smiles

Biting his lip and groaning, his hands quickly returned to my hips, but mine were on his wrists, halting his attempts.

"No, we have got to get washed up. We're supposed to meet Bella in an hour," I hopped off the bed, reaching my hand out for his. Grinning, he grabbed it and pulled himself up, pressing against me briefly before tugging me toward his bathroom.

After cleaning up, which involved Edward paying extra attention to making sure my cock was licked clean, we were dressed and returning the magazines to their hiding place until next time.

I found myself wondering if this would happen every time we looked at them.

Not that I, or my cock, would object.

Just as he was about to reach for the doorknob, I stopped him.

"Edward, I just want to..."

His thumb on my lips silenced me, telling me I didn't need to continue.

He knew already.

He had always known.

I kissed his thumb before he removed it. "So," I began again. "I wonder what your dad's speech about this would be."

Edward laughed, full and joyous and deep from his soul, before perfectly mimicking his father's clinical voice. "Well, boys, experimentation is quite normal and common for young men like yourselves."

I giggled, actually fucking _giggled_, until I felt his lips touching mine one final time.

Cupping my face in his hands, his tongue traced my lips before nudging inside to meet mine. I let my hands rest on his hips while we continued to bask in the final cherished moments of our treasured intimacy.

Finally, he pulled away, resting his forehead against mine, his sweet breath washing over my face.

"Always, Jasper."

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~


	2. Proving You Wrong

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-While this is S&S J/E, they are only **possible** moments from the story, and do not in any way affect the storyline, or outcome, of Safe and Sound.

Huge thanks to **C Me Smile**-You make ME smile with your sweet words and Jasper love.

Happy birthday, **Angstgoddess003**! Maybe it be filled with dry humps and buttsecks! I heart you hard, bb!

"****~~**"**

Proving You Wrong

Location: Forks, WA (Want)

All we need is just a little patience  
Said sugar make it slow  
And we'll come together fine  
All we need is just a little patience-Guns n' Roses

"****~~**"**

Sitting at the table, still uncomfortable in my tuxedo, my fingers played with the edge of the linen tablecloth. Alice had wondered off, wanting to spend some time socializing with some other friends of hers. I had opted to stay behind, wanting some time alone, some time to think, even if it was only a brief moment.

Absently looking around the room, I saw my classmates dancing, flirting, eating, drinking and enjoying their Prom while I sat there wondering what the fuck I had done to upset Edward. I wasn't used to having him mad at me; I was always the one to withdraw while he actively tried to ease my mind from whatever troubled me. However, we seemed to have changed roles with Edward distancing himself from me over the past week, and I feared the reason why. As much as I tried to not to, when my eyes roamed the room, they finally settled on the one person I was trying to avoid. It was useless to resist, my eyes were drawn to him, fuck my _soul_ was drawn to him as much as the girl in his arms.

Edward and Bella were on the dance floor, arms around each other, her head resting on his shoulder. I couldn't help but stare at them. They made a beautiful couple. Bella was stunning in her dress with her pale skin and mahogany hair, but it was Edward that left people breathless when in their presence. The tie around his neck almost matched the color of his shiny bronze hair while his shockingly deep green eyes and perfect skin, with just a hint of red on his cheeks, contrasted his ultra black tux. The tux that looked tailor made, draping over his wide shoulders, resting loosely around his hips, the cuffs of his pants skimming the tops of his polished black shoes.

Edward made everything look better.

As he guided Bella around, he turned, facing me, eyes meeting mine. Considering his mysteriously shitty mood, I expected him to look away as soon as he caught me eyeing him. Instead, he gave me the smallest hint of a smile, but I spotted a sadness swimming in his emerald eyes. Slightly mesmerized, I continued to watch him, as he continued to hold my stare, challenging me. I was never up to challenge Edward, and tonight was no different. With a sigh, I tore my eyes away, and suddenly needing air, I got up and headed out.

Once outside, I walked around the corner, down some steps to the side of the building spotting a footpath leading to a small garden. Small white lights were strung along an ivy covered trellis, lighting the thin path below in a romantic glow. Undoing the buttons on my jacket, letting it fall open, I leaned one shoulder against the trellis entrance. Alone I stood there, looking out over the garden, my mind racing with the images of the nigh - Alice's typical excitability, Bella's dance with me, and most confusing, Edward's seeming indifference to me alone. It was silent except for the faint music and muffled sounds of the DJ and occasional cheers from the Prom-goers inside.

I felt his presence before I even heard him behind me.

It was not a surprise when his arms wrapped around me from behind, and as much as I wanted to pull away, as much as every part of my mind screamed to move out of his embrace, I found my body instinctively leaning back into his. My hands reached up to cover his clasped ones at my waist, his skin soft and smooth, I weaved my fingers in with his. Body heat radiated from him, I swear his temperature ran slightly above average, traveling through the material of our jackets, his body warming mine on the outside as much as his presence warmed me on the inside.

Once he was assured I was not pulling away, I felt the gentlest of kisses on my neck, the spot below my ear. The shudder that flowed through my body did not go unnoticed, as I felt his lips smile against me as he let them rest there for a moment. Before he pulled his mouth away, he took my earlobe in between his lips, barely touching it before releasing it and resting his chin on my shoulder, staring out at the garden before us.

He knew exactly what he did to me, and took full advantage of it.

The breeze had picked up, carrying the scent of the flowers in the garden, and the food from inside, but all I could smell was Edward. The cinnamon and spice scent that he always seemed to have mixed with his honey shampoo and the sweet scent assaulted me as I took in a deep breath. I doubted I would ever smell anything as intoxicating as him. Dizzy from his influence, I leaned back into him even more, letting him support more of my weight, my head lolling back onto his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" he asked me quietly, in a low even tone.

"You tell me. You're the one who has been avoiding me these past few days," I hesitated, unsure if I wanted to know the answer to the next question. "What did I do, Edward?"

"I'm sorry, Jasper," he murmured, his warm breath tickled my cheek when he spoke. "You didn't do anything." Letting go of his hands, I stood up straight, and turned around his arms, his grip never loosening around my waist as his hands slid under my open jacket.

"I wish you could tell me." I brought my fingers up, letting the tips delicately trace his face from his eyebrows, down his flushed cheeks and over his full lips. As my thumbs grazed over his bottom lip, he looked up at me, and I saw the apology that had came out of his mouth in his eyes as well; they were dark, tinted with a bit of sorrow, the conflict so clear on his face that my heart broke.

With a sigh, I put my forehead against his, my hands on his either side of his neck while I ran my thumbs along his jaw. "Edward, please just tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help?"

Our heads shook together when he shook his back and forth. "I can't Jasper. I'm sorry. Please just understand it's not you." His voice wavered as he spoke, but why, I wasn't sure.

My voice held the same uncertainty. "That's not good enough, Edward. The, 'it's not you, it's me' doesn't work with me. " Inside, the music played, gently pouring around us, covering us in light notes, soft melodies, and romantic lyrics.

"Please, Jasper…" The need in his voice scared me, I had never heard Edward so out of control, so desperate. "Please, just dance with me?"

My only response was to allow my hands to slide behind his neck, letting my fingers play with the silky wisps of hair there, the collar of his suit jacket rough against my skin as I pulled him closer. With a small gasp of relief, his hands reflexively tightened around my waist, as we began to slowly sway back and forth, forehead to forehead, small puffs of our breaths mingling in the cooling air between us.

"Edward," I sighed, letting my eyes close, losing myself in the feeling of being in his arms again. It had been too long since I had felt the strength of his touch, holding me to him. Never had I realized how much I had missed it, how much I craved to have his hands on me again. A touch that was firm, caring, knowing, and exploring. Under the feel of his lips, his hands, his body, parts of me awoke, only for him.

Perhaps he didn't feel the same way.

Perhaps to him I was nothing more than a convenient warm body.

Perhaps he had found someone else.

Taking the time to gather my courage to ask him what I feared the most, what shook me to the core, something I'm not sure I could ever recover from. "You don't want me anymore?"

His reaction was more immediate than I expected. As he pulled back from me, my eyes snapped open.

"What? Why would you say that?" he blurted out as if he couldn't speak fast enough.

"How can I think otherwise?" I began, trying hopelessly to hide my panic.

He actually smirked, like he couldn't believe I would ask such an absurd question. "Trust me, Jasper." Lightly I felt his hand cup my cheek, his thumb drawing back and forth over my heated skin.

Even under his convincing touch, my waves shook as I begun deny his request, "But how?"

His answer was simple, it was honest and true. "Because, I am telling you. Trust. Me."

At that moment I needed more; I trusted him with my life, but with my heart? I jutted my chin out, readying to question him.

"Prove it. Prove you want me," I demanded in a quiet challenging whisper, my voice betraying the lust I felt cascading through my body or the racing heart in my chest.

"Fuck," he spat, and next thing I know my back was slammed against the cold brick wall of the building, bits of the hard stone poking my body through my jacket, Edward's lips forcefully on mine, demanding. There was no resistance on my part, my body had been screaming, fucking begging, for his touch again since that night in his bedroom, and now it was finally getting it. My lips quickly parted, when his tongue ran along my bottom lip, desperate to taste him again. I felt his moan course thoughout his entire body when our tongues reunited, twisting in a furious need to taste and explore each other.

He tasted so fucking good, and I had missed it.

I angled my head to access him completely while frantically tugging his hair, bringing him impossibly closer to me. My arms wound around his neck, clinging to him as his hands moved to my hips, grabbing them, fingers and nails digging into my flesh through my pants as he pushed his hips up into me.

It had been too long.

With a hard thrust, his erection ground into mine, and he grunted into my mouth. "How's that for proof?" he muttered as his mouth left mine, the slick ribbon of his tongue leaving a damp trail down the tender skin of my throat as I leaned my head back, allowing him access. He continued to grind me painfully against the wall; his hard cock grazing mine on each sensual circle of his hips, in search of any form of friction possible. When I felt the zipper of my pants press to my cock, my only response was to buck against him even more, letting the metal gouge me. "Is that proof enough, Jasper? Proof enough of how much I fucking want you. Of what _you_, and you alone, do to me."

"Yes," I moaned breathlessly. "Fuck, baby, yes." I was only vaguely aware that his hands were no longer on my hips, but rather at my neck, fumbling with my tie. Fingers violently clawing at the pink satin, yanking, twisting, determined to loosen the knot at the collar of my shirt.

"Get this fucking thing off," he demanded under his breath, his voice vibrating against me as his lips sucked on my Adam's apple. Chuckling, gently I pushed him away, opening my eyes to see a wide-eyed, and rather frenzied, Edward, his lips full and glistening from our kiss. Tantalizingly slow, I let go of his hair and dragged my hands over his shoulders to pull his away from my tie. My eyes never left his, and with surprisingly nimble fingers, although containing the same urgency, I was able to undo the knot, letting it hang loosely around my collar. Once completely undone, Edward's tongue darted out to lick his lips, and I had to resist attacking him, sucking that sweet muscle into my mouth. Holding my stare, he gave me a crooked smile before his warm hands returned to my white polyester collar, firmly gripping the corners before he ripping them apart, sending small pearl buttons flying to the ground, leaving only a bit more than the half the buttons remaining intact.

"I hope you're going to pay for that. This is a rental," I raised an eyebrow, shocked at the slightly delirious boy before me.

"I don't give a fuck," he groaned, slipping his hands under the expensive black material of my tuxedo jacket at my shoulders, anxiously pushing it down my arms until it fell to the ground at my feet. Stepping back to admire his handiwork, I felt naked under his potent stare as his eyes traveled appreciatively over my face, neck and heaving chest. His gaze continued downward, briefly pausing at the bulge in my pants. Ever so slowly, he raised his eyes to mine again, my breath catching in my throat and my heart skipping a beat when I saw the look of raw passion on his face.

How I ever doubted he wanted me, I will never know.

Gently, he reached for my hands, his thumbs caressing as he began to raise them, placing them above my head, holding both of my wrists in one of his large hands while his other weaved into my hair, fisting my golden waves before he leaned into me, his breath feather light in my ear.

"Leave them there," he instructed soothingly.

Nodding, I let my hands relax in his grip. He used his nose to push my shirt open as wide as possible as his mouth covered my collarbone, sometimes nipping with sharp teeth. Suddenly, his pace weakened from the urgency of before as he leisurely made his way up to my neck, I felt him nudge my throat with his nose, and I tilted my head to the side even more allowing him to nuzzle me. Capturing the sensitive skin there, sucking hard, he dragged his tongue back and forth several times as a salve before releasing it. There was no way I could even begin to contain the primal sound that escaped me at the thought of him marking me, marking me his and his alone.

What Alice would do or say when she saw the reddish purple mark on my neck was not a concern.

Getting Edward to do it again was.

He ran his nose up along me to my ear, taking in a deep breath while I let one out. "God you smell so fucking good."

Nibbling my lobe before running the tip of his tongue around the shell of my ear, his breath heavy and moist, sent tingles of pleasure though every fiber of my body, my groin burning with an intensity I hadn't felt in a long time. "Please…" I began, but was unable to keep the thought long enough to continue.

The voice held the same fervor I felt, "Please what, love? Tell me. What do you want?"

Questions I couldn't form the answers to.

All I could manage was a strangled, "More…"

Apparently that was answer enough as his lips were savagely back on mine, his tongue seeking mine, deepening the kiss immediately. The thrust was hard and fast, and felt fucking good, as he continued to force his body to mine, driving his cock up against me while his mouth never stopped exploring mine. I felt his free hand run down my chest, over the exposed areas of skin, my ribcage and abdomen before finally settling over my erection. Stroking me through the material of my pants, palming me roughly up and down, his movements were urgent and greedy.

I almost came right then.

Madly wanting to touch him as freely as he was me, I begin to resist his hand holding mine above my head. I was bigger than Edward, no doubt stronger, and he knew he couldn't hold me if I didn't want to be held.

Panting, I pulled my mouth from his, leaning my head down on his shoulder, his mouth never stopped moving, returning to my ear and the vulnerable skin beneath it.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Edward," I gasped, willingly letting my hips match the pace of the pressure of his hand. "Let me touch you," I begged, applying a bit more strength to his hold as my lips sought out his earlobe, taking it between my teeth. Feeling his tremble beneath my mouth made me feel powerful, giving me even more confidence in his desire for me. "Let me touch you…"

A slight nod accompanied by the release of my hands was his only response, my mouth on his ear having rendered him temporarily speechless. With my newly freed hands, I felt instantly overwhelmed with the compulsion to touch him everywhere. Starting with fisting tufts of luxurious hair, to brushing over his neck, pulling his collar down enough for my mouth to latch onto a piece of his heated supple flesh, bruising, claiming his body as mine, as he had already done to me. Lulling his head back, I released his collar, proud of the red mark already beginning to appear, and leaned in to nibble the pale bared neck.

Eyes closed, lips parted, one of his hands rested on my shoulder for support, fingering the ends of my curls, a loud whimper escaped him, pleasing me. He was not as incapacitated as he seemed, because while I continued my efforts, I felt my zipper being lowered, the flaps of my pants falling apart as a large warmth spread through the cotton of my boxers before deft fingers slid under the elastic, through my wiry curls, cupping my cock completely in an open palm. Spreading the milky drops from my slit down over my cock, his hand slid over its damp silky skin, embracing me completely before beginning to pump swiftly.

"Fuck," my unexpected cry was muffled by his throat. Releasing him, I leaned back against the brick, breathlessly watching the bliss cross his beautiful features. Slowly, he raised his head, his eyes opening to meet mine, his bottom lip between his teeth while his hand continued in a hurried pace, easily bringing me to the brink of orgasm. Caught between the desperation of holding off and wanting to feel the rush, I determinedly held his gaze, my fingers clenching his shoulders so tightly my knuckles started to turn white. I was going to embarrass myself by cumming too quickly, but being held by him, stroked by him, _wanted_ by him, was enough to push me over the edge instantaneously.

"So close, baby," I whispered in warning as I felt myself throbbing harder in his grip, my pelvis rhythmically undulating into his hold. As the burn began low and deep in my abdomen, and my balls started to tighten, I briefly wondered what kind of mess I was going to make when I came. I prepared to push Edward away quickly, hopefully missing our clothes when my orgasm hit. Edward already had to pay for my ruined shirt, I didn't want the added charge of dry cleaning the cum stains out his jacket.

Watching him watch me was fucking too much, so I glanced down between us, seeing his hand stroking me up and down, the flick his wrist would take each time he reached my head. I lowered my hands to his chest, readying to push him back when I came. Feeling his gasps of breath on my cheek, I realized he was also looking down at us, watching his hand work me.

"Fucking hot, love," he placed a kiss on my cheek as my eyes closed, unable to focus anymore as the burn increased and my entire body began to tighten.

"I'm cumming," I hissed through gritted teeth into the space between us. Without warning, Edward dropped to his knees in front of me, my cock suddenly buried in the succulent heat of his mouth. "Ugh, fuck, baby."

My hands automatically fell to his head, tangling the satin bronze pieces in my fingers, tugging them as his mouth moved skillfully over my cock. One of his hands groped the curve of my ass, holding me tightly to him, while his other cradled my balls, rolling them lightly between his fingers. I couldn't help looking down, but seeing my Edward in a tuxedo on his fucking knees before me, his head bobbing as he sucked and licked proved to be too much. Arching against the wall, I bucked my hips into him, letting out a guttural moan as my cock pulsed into his willing mouth, shooting cum down his throat while he swallowed around me, until the waves of my ecstasy ebbed to ripples of contentment.

While I stood there leaning against the wall for support with my eyes closed, sated and panting, Edward proceeded to lavish my semi-hard cock with his tongue, licking me clean of any trace of my orgasm. Jumping when I felt his fingers on my sensitive cock, I realized he was pulling up my boxers, and doing up the zipper and button on my pants. Lazily, I opened my eyes when I felt him take my hands from his hair, lacing his fingers with mine as he stood up. He had even tucked my shirt back in and had grabbed my jacket, placing it over my shoulders.

"Edward, that was…it was…" I stammered until he leaned in, brushing his lips against mine in soft, small caresses as he cupped my face with one hand, still holding my hand in his other.

"Amazing," he finished for me, murmuring against my mouth before taking my bottom lip between his, running his hot tongue over the plumped flesh. Bringing a hand up behind his neck, I crushed my mouth to his, open and wanting, seeking out his tongue, and my salty taste. We kissed for a few minutes before he pulled away, smiling at me, grabbing my tie. "You need to retie this."

"Later. What about this?" I asked, my fingers grazing his erection through his pants as I watched his eyes fill quickly with desire.

With a crooked smile, he shook his head. "Not tonight. Tonight was about you. About proving you wrong. "

"Considering me proven wrong," I chuckled, pulling him to my lips once again.

With a sigh, he pulled away, "We should get back inside. One more minute out here and I will be taking you up on your offer," he said with a resigned laugh.

I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "And what is wrong with that?"

"Well the girls might wonder where we ran off to." He leaned his forehead against mine again, and we resumed the same position as our dance earlier.

"Edward?" I whispered, my eyes closed, reveling in our closeness the last few minutes before rejoining everyone again.

"Mmm?" His grip around my waist tightened, pulling me to his chest, his cheek resting against mine.

"Thank you."

"For what?" He sounded genuinely surprised.

"For being here with me, for proving me wrong,"

For loving me.

"Always, Jasper," he whispered softly.


	3. Don't Resist the Need

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-While this is S&S J/E, they are only **possible** moments from the story, and do not in any way affect the storyline, or outcome, of Safe and Sound. The boys (and Bella) are now living in their off-campus house their freshman year of collage at UW. This ought to get interesting…

Huge thanks to **C Me Smile**-for a quick turn-around, and for always knowing what to say. Oh, and for amazing me that she would even think of my boys when she heard certain songs and rec them to me!

This is dedicated **Dannie** for her encouragement, and very late night phone calls. I wouldn't be here without you. Thank you.

To those that have read, thank you! I appreciate it very much.

"****~~**"**

Don't Resist the Need

Location: Seattle, WA (Control)

"****~~**"**

Instrumental song

River Flows Through you-Yiruma

"****~~**"**

Sighing, I placed the book next to me on my bed. Closing my eyes, I folded my hands across my chest, my legs stretched out before me, crossed at the ankles, my back propped up on pillows.

He was sad.

Of course, he hadn't said so, but I he didn't have to for me to recognize the symptoms. The soft poignant music resonated throughout the house, filtering his sorrow lightly into each room.

It was beautiful.

Studying was his first priority, and he didn't have much time to play, but on the rare occasion when he did, it was as if he had been doing it for hours every day.

I am not sure how long I lay on my bed listening to him before the pull to be near him was too strong to resist, and I got up, heading down the hallway. Pausing at the top of the stairs, I was torn between wanting to comfort him, and wanting to continue to listen uninterrupted. Edward's music touched me in a place barely matched by my own playing, not only the feeling behind his music, but also the pure physical beauty of watching him play.

Still undecided, I padded down the stairs in my bare feet and with a quiet gasp, came to a sudden stop at the bottom when he came into view. The desire to just watch him was overpowering, so I leaned against the door jam, folding my arms across my chest, my eyes never leaving his lithe form.

_Nothing_ compared to watching Edward play his piano. When he played, the outside world did not exist, completely fixated on nothing but the black and white ivory keys under his talented hands. Facing away from me, he sat on the black wood bench, the muscles of his back and shoulders flexing under the material of his dark blue button-down shirt as his hands grazed effortlessly over the keys.

My eyes feasted on his firm back and trim waist, down to where his jeans slung low on his hips, allowing the top of his boxes to peek out of the waistband in the back. I licked my lips eagerly as I chanced a glance at his ass, perfectly tight in the dark denim. The late afternoon sun streamed in through the small bay window, highlighting shades of bronze and gold in Edward's mussed hair, his fingers having combed through it many times already that day.

Another symptom of his discontent.

Having seen him play enough times, I easily pictured his downcast eyes concentrating on the movement of his fingers, brows knitted together, and the tip of his tongue poking out between his pink lips.

_That fucking tongue_.

I knew firsthand that tongue was as talented as his fingers.

As I stood there listening, my musically-trained ears caught the lows of his melancholy piece turn to subtle highs, the notes becoming sensual instead of sorrowful, full of desire instead of misery. Curious about the change in tone, I closed my eyes to focus, letting the sound wash over me, his touch bathing me through this music.

Suddenly, his voice penetrated through the notes. "Bella home?" he inquired simply.

I shouldn't have been surprised he knew I had been watching him. I could sense when his eyes were on me and expected it was the same for him.

"No," I replied softly. "She's not due home for a few hours. Went to the library with Rosalie."

Instead of replying, he reached down and patted the bench next to him, never missing a note in the piece he was playing. I pushed off the doorway and walked over to the bench, straddling it, facing his side as he continued to play. While the powerful notes flowed around us, I leaned my forehead on Edward's shoulder and closed my eyes. I reveled in the feeling of his muscles tensing, then relaxing, under the soft cotton of his shirt, my head bobbing with his arm as it glided across the keys.

"Do you want to play?"

Edward had been teaching me to play over the past couple of weeks, and I enjoyed it very much. I don't know if I enjoyed the actual playing, or the feeling of Edward's hands over mine, guiding them along the keys as he showed me the notes. One time, my ass was barely on the bench as he straddled me from behind, snug against me. I had felt myself begin to get hard with each slight movement of his hips as he shifted. When he made contact with me, I was unable to hold back a small moan, and I felt his hips involuntarily thrust forward. Immediately following that lesson, I had found myself in the shower, stroking myself to the surprising vision of Edward taking me on top of the piano, my naked body writhing under him as his sweat-sleeked one pounded into me, our eyes never leaving each other as we both climaxed. Putting my hand on the tiled wall for support, I pumped faster, my hips freely fucking my hand as the hot water streamed down my back, the sound drowning out my cries and the water washing away my orgasm.

As much as I tried to ignore the effect his body had on mine, it got increasingly difficult with the close proximity of us living together twenty-four-seven. Even our bedrooms were connected with a door, which we often left open, allowing each of us to catch accidental glimpses of the other in various states of undress.

I shook my head back and forth gently against him. "Not today. Today, I just want to listen to you."

Instead of responding, he continued to play, no hesitation in the music as he began the song over again. It was one he played often for me when we were alone. In fact, he played it so often, I had begun to think of it as _our_ song, a lullaby of sorts that he had written and played for my ears only. The intensity of the song, the melody and notes built up inside me and I shuddered under the weight of its meaning.

I remembered when Edward had begun writing it late one night. Bella had gone to sleep, and I lay on the couch while Edward sat on his bench, a leather-bound journal sat open on top of the piano in front of him. When a note would please him, a pencil would travel quickly from his mouth to his hand as he jotted it down on a page, his brows furrowed, lips pursed. A note would play, a pause, another note, another pause, until he had two or three in a row to write down. Slight signs of satisfaction would cross his features when he was pleased with a certain part, a tiny smile would form, and his eyes would dance brightly over the pages filled with his musings.

More often though, a hand would run through his hair, and I could hear his mutterings of frustration. I asked what he was working on, but he refused to tell me, only saying it was important and close to this heart. Shrugging, I continued with my studying, letting Edward stew in the madness of his talent.

It wasn't until a few weeks later that he called me to the room one night while Bella was out, and had me listen to the entire piece, finally complete. As I stood listening to his resplendent song, my legs weakened and I placed a hand on the piano for balance. Without him actually acknowledging it, I knew he had written this song for me and my heart soared, literally taking flight with the notes that surrounded me.

No one had ever done anything like that for me before.

He finished the song and hesitantly looked up at me, expectantly, and even a bit nervously. Not being able to form words that could even begin to thank him for his incredible gift, to tell him how much I appreciated it, I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his lips, letting one hand rest on the back of his head while the other grabbed one of his hands, entwining his fingers with mine.

After I pulled away, Edward smiled and asked if I liked it. When he wiped the single tear that fell from my eyes, he had his answer, and with a murmured 'For you, my love', he pulled me back into another gentle kiss.

Smiling at the memory of hearing my song for the very first time, I whispered softly, "It's beautiful."

And it was.

His music and talent were beautiful, the moment was beautiful…he was beautiful. "You're beautiful," I murmured under my breath before I realize I had said it out loud.

_Fuck._

Clenching my eyes, I internally berated myself for the slip, for being too caught up in the moment to think about what I was saying. Edward certainly knew I was attracted to him on some level. Hell, our past sexual acts alone were evidence of our mutual desire and lust for each other's bodies. However, I had never so blatantly voiced my thoughts on his physical beauty. Not only was he beautiful, but to me, he was simply sheer perfection, god-like if you will, but in my opinion no god had anything on Edward Cullen.

The missed note was easy to hear, Edward _never_ missed a note, but what I said had surprised him, and his concentration had slipped for that brief second. A bit of pride swelled in me, knowing I had the power to crack that outside veneer of his enough to cause even the slightest falter.

"So are you." His voice was so soft, so quiet, it was barely audible. My head shot up off his shoulder, my eyes widening at the realization of his words.

_So are you._

Edward thought_ I_ was beautiful.

The silence sat heavily between us as Edward stopped playing, and turned his head to me, worry swimming in his eyes, afraid of my reaction to his admission.

He had no reason to be.

Suddenly my hand was behind his neck, pulling him to me forcefully as I crushed his full lips to mine, not even pretending I didn't want immediate entrance as my tongue swept over his in a need I had never experienced. Apparently he felt the same urgency, as he weaved a hand in my golden waves, fisting them as he held my face to his. Turning his upper body toward me as much as he could in our awkward positions, he attempted to deepen the kiss with little success.

I wanted more. More of his taste. More of his touch.

More of _him_.

In my frustration, I gripped his upper arms, tossing him off balance, one of his elbows slamming down to the keys, the deep sound resounding throughout the room. I felt him chuckle against my mouth as he tried to push himself back up. Embarrassed that I had allowed my desperation for him to show, I pulled away, hurt he would laugh at me…at my need for him.

Not realizing why I had pulled back, he laughed a bit more. "Eager tonight, Jasper?"

With cheeks flushed from desire and embarrassment, I glared at him before standing to leave. Confusion stalled his movement to stop me and I was actually two steps from the bench before I felt his hand grab mine, stopping me. I stood still, my hand in his, my back to him, head hung low trying to hide the hurt.

"Don't go," he whispered. "Please. I'm sorry." Sincerity coated his voice.

Sighing, I turned to him, allowing his hand to remain around mine. "Don't apologize, Edward, it's not your fault."

I paused, gathering my thoughts, debating if I was ready to take that leap. I had already told him he was beautiful, might as well go all the way. "Sometimes I just…need you so much it hurts."

He grinned widely at my admission, and pulled me back to the bench as he spun around, his back to the piano. Placing his hands on my hips, he tugged me between his knees, lifting his face up toward me in an invitation to meet him half way.

With my hands on his shoulders, I bent down, our lips touching delicately again and again, traces of uncertainty disappearing with each kiss. I could feel it building again, deep inside me, not only in my heart, but my entire body, the parts that only came alive for Edward and no one else. Bursts of energy, passion, and lust charged through me, pushing me forward, begging for more. The rush of want for him had built so fucking fast; I could no longer resist it…or him.

I no longer wanted to.

Even with those slightest of kisses, my cock had already begun to harden, anticipating his touch. Without breaking our connection, I placed one leg over his thigh and the bench, and once positioned, did the same with the other leg, so I was straddling Edward as he sat on the bench. I felt his fingers clench at my hips, his short nails digging into my flesh through my jeans. As I slowly lowered myself onto his thighs, I let my hands roam into his soft hair, twisting it, letting the silky locks slide through my fingers as I continuously combed them through the bronze masterpiece.

Once fully settled on his lap, I began to pull back from him, hoping to see the same need reflected back at me. I heard his moan of protest, and instead of letting me go completely, he broke away from my lips and began leaving small moist kisses along my jaw line, and down my throat. Since I was no longer resisting the _need_, I closed my eyes and lolled my head back to let him assault the tender skin with ease.

"Edward, you have no fucking idea what you do to me," I announced in a loud groan as he dragged the smooth skin of his cheek along my scruffy one, until his lips were even with my ear. He nudged my curls aside with his nose, breathing my scent in deeply before taking my earlobe between his lips to suckle. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I felt his velvet tongue tracing my ear, and I couldn't control the shiver that ran down my spine.

"Tell me, Jasper, what _do_ I do to you?" he let out in small gasps, his control weakening as quickly as mine, before pulling away. Hooking his thumbs through the belt loops of my jeans, and with a jerk, he yanked me closer to him, chest to chest.

Surprised by the abrupt movement, I opened my eyes to find him staring at me, a hunger roaring in his ocean green eyes, the rare mischievous sparkle betraying his calm façade. Reaching up, he grabbed one of my hands from his hair and slowly dragged it down his chest, briefly holding it tight over his racing heart. "Feel that? That's what _you_ do to me, Jasper." Then he continued to drag it down over his stomach, and pushed it down over his erection. "Every time I look at you, hear you, fucking _smell_ you, I get hard."

Even though I could feel his excitement, and his heat, radiating through his jeans, I was still stunned that I caused this type of reaction in Edward.

_Me_.

_I_ made Edward hard.

And I fucking loved it.

He removed his hand, letting me continue to palm him through his jeans, and he leaned back, placing both his elbows on the keys, the foul off-key notes cutting through the desire between us.

By his side, long fingers fisted as I increased the pressure of my hand. His hands were so fucking graceful and talented and elegant. Once again I needed more, needed to taste, I grabbed one of his hands in mine, and he eyed me curiously. With unhurried precise movements, I spread his hand open, and placed a kiss on the warm skin of his palm. As my thumb rested on his wrist, I could feel this pulse increase, and deciding to make it race even more, I held his gaze as I slipped his index finger into my mouth, swirling my tongue around the salty tip before sucking it down to his knuckle.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jasper," he cried, his eyes widening, lust instantly darkening them before me. Trying to hide my smile, I removed his finger, and slid the next one into my mouth, giving it the same attention while watching Edward's expression, his lids falling a bit more with each lap of my tongue.

"These fingers are so fucking talented, Edward," I mumbled, moving onto the next one. "Mmmm, tasty too." Sucking on the instruments that allowed him to express his incredible skill was almost enough alone to make me cum.

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, his pink tongue darting out to run along his bottom lip as he stared at my lips. Before taking his ring finger between my lips, I paused, tilting my head down, looking up at him through my lashes.

"I want to taste all of you. I can't wait until I can taste your cock. I bet it's delicious," I declared brazenly.

"You can taste it anytime you want," he dared me, having regained some of his composure. It was his turn to catch me off-guard and it worked. Halting my actions, I gasped at his suggestion. With a smile, he slipped his finger from my mouth, running the tip, damp with my salvia, along my parted lips.

"Trust me, Jasper, there is nothing I would rather see than you naked on your knees before me, begging to taste me, those damn blue eyes looking up at me through those fucking thick lashes as your lips slide up and down my cock, sucking me off. And I know you aren't ready for that yet. But when you are…" he trailed off, "my cock is yours."

_Mine._

Part of me wanted to make his wish come true right then, but I knew he was right. I wasn't ready for that…yet. I was taking a big step forward that night, previously Edward had always initiated our intimacy, but that night, it was my turn to take control.

"I promise, Edward, someday I will do exactly as you described…and more. " Breaking our gaze, his eyes fluttered shut as he absorbed the words of my promise, and he let his head fall back against the shiny black wood of the piano, exposing his neck and chest to me.

It was too much to resist.

One by one, I slowly undid the buttons of his shirt, revealing more of his unmarred alabaster skin to me, my hands fucking trembling as I pushed his unbuttoned shirt open, exposing his defined chest and abdomen.

I licked my lips before leaning forward and snagging one of his nipples in my mouth. His chest vibrated with the groan he let loose, and I smiled around his nipple while I continued to lavish it, my tongue circling the pebbled skin. With feather-light caresses, my fingers ran up and down his torso, his muscles quivering under my touch. It was my turn to moan when I felt his long fingers knot in my hair, fastening my lips to his chest.

With a final nip, I dragged my tongue along his pecs to his other nipple, giving it the same affection as its mate. As my mouth latched on to it, I swear I heard Edward fucking growl, his chest rumbling with the thick sound.

It was fucking sexy as hell.

And I still wanted more.

Finally, letting my fingers rest on the button of his jeans, I released his nipple, and moved my lips up the gorgeous column of his neck, stretched as he leaned back, to his ear where my hot breath pleaded. "Can I touch you, Edward?"

He responded with a low moan, and I proceeded to slip the button through the slot, the sound of his zipper being lowered muffled by his heavy gasps. I let my tongue tickle that sensitive spot under his ear before I took the satin skin between my lips, sucking and nibbling until I was sure I had once again claimed him as mine.

At least temporarily.

Satisfied with my efforts, I moved my lips back to his, which were already parted from his panting. Lazily, I let my tongue lick his heavenly lips before seeking out his own, leaning into him, I deepened the kiss as much as possible with my hands still between us. With both hands, I spread his pants apart, letting my fingers fall in between the flaps of material, searching for the elastic of his boxers.

Immediately, I broke the kiss and I sat back on his legs, swallowing hard.

"Commando, Edward? Really?" I had a hard time tearing my eyes from his moist lips, plump and bruised from our kissing, up to his eyes to receive my answer. While I held his gaze, I allowed the backs of my fingers to ghost over the bottom of his hard cock, standing proud from a bed of bronze curls.

Lifting his shoulders in a shrug, he winked. "I was hoping we would be alone tonight," he stated honestly.

Edward was always prepared.

"I fucking love it," I said, leaning down to kiss him once again. When I wrapped my hand around his cock, he whimpered into my mouth, and bit my bottom lip in response to my hand tightly encasing the base and giving him one long stroke upward. I proceeded to mold his lips to mine, capturing his endless whimpers as I swept my thumb over his sensitive head, gathering the pearly fluid that had leaked from his slit onto the tip of my finger, dispersing it over the silky flesh. Urgent to get my hands on more of him, I gripped his jeans, forcing them down his hips as far as I could, and squeezed my other hand between us, my fingers finally reaching the hot wrinkled skin of his balls.

"Oh, fuck…" he cried, breaking our kiss, leaning his forehead against mine.

My fingers pressed, fondled, and pinched his sac before stretching behind in search for the feathery soft skin there. "Does that feel good, Edward," I uttered weakly, my own cock twitched, demanding to be released from my confining jeans. I looked down between us, watching my hand pump Edward up and down, his stomach muscles constricting as each movement of my hand brought him closer to that sweet euphoric release.

"You know it does," he panted. "Please. Just don't stop. I'm so close, love."

My lips twitched at his use of the endearment, one for my ears only, and it spurred me on, increasing the pace of my pumping hand, twisting my wrist on every other stroke. At some point, his hips had begun to attempt to thrust up into my grip, only his efforts were hindered by my weight on his lap. I felt his frustration growing as his pelvis hopelessly tried to match the rhythm of my hand.

"Relax, baby, just let me do it," I murmured. Eager to get him to his release, I scooted back on his lap a bit, providing more access to him. Sliding my middle finger from my other hand over his slit, gathering some more pre-cum, and while my hand continued the up and down movements with a fevered speed, my middle finger traveled to his entrance, teasingly circling the puckered area and spreading his own lube over his heated skin.

Once he was slick enough, I gently slid my finger inside his ass. My breath hitched as soon as my finger entered him, never had I felt anything so hot, intense, and so fucking _intimate_ in my life.

He bucked his hips off the bench as much as possible with me on him, crying out my name as his eyes squeezed shut, his face contorted in an expression of surprise and ecstasy as I began to glide my finger in and out of him.

"That's it," I said softly, watching his facial expressions as my hands worked his cock and ass, watching for signs of his impending orgasm. Fuck, he was more beautiful than ever, his succulent bottom lip between his perfect teeth, dark lashes resting on his cheeks flushed with rapture, veins on his neck bulging as he tried to restrain his pleasure, holding off until he could no longer stand the building ecstasy inside him. "You have no idea how fucking beautiful you are right now, baby…so _fucking _beautiful."

My hips had a mind of their own, pushing forward into him, seeking out any kind of relief or friction or fucking anything, the frustration of being hard as a fucking rock and not being touched slowly driving me insane. As much I wanted to strip my pants off and beg Edward to put his hands on me, I resisted, wanting to concentrate on him. The sweet feeling of his hands in my hair, his fingers tenderly separating my curls made my heart race, the tame touches a contrast to the rapid movements below.

Suddenly, after one strong tight stroke, his hands were at my hips, pushing me down onto him as he forced himself off the bench. As he threw his head back, he grunted, slamming me down onto him while my hand increased the pace. He had lost control over his actions, his cock and need taking over his movements as he continually tried to fuck me through my jeans.

"Ugh, I'm cumming," he grunted one last time in effort.

Seconds later, hot streams of cum surged from his cock, coating his clenching stomach, dripping down my hand as his tight ass spasmed around my finger. Once I felt his ass muscles relax, I removed my finger, dragging it up to his balls, twisting them, wanting him to ride out the rhapsody of his climax for a long as possible.

_So fucking beautiful_.

Heaving breaths finally slowed as his pleasure faded to a sated state, opening his eyes, he looked up at me with a smile on his lips, his fingers tracing my face.

"Jasper, I don't know what to say," he hesitated, shaking his head a bit. "That was…amazing, wonderful, fucking incredible…"

"All of the above?" I suggested, smirking at his post-coital state.

Nodding, he leaned toward me, his hand guiding my lips to his. "Definitely all of the above," he mumbled as our lips touched lightly. I released his softening cock, letting it fall against his stomach, traces of his orgasm dampening his curls.

Pulling away, I brought my hand up to my mouth, my tongue darting out to lick his cum off while I held his stare, the scent of his arousal hung heavy in the air.

"Mmm, even more tasty than your fingers, baby," I could feel his cock twitch between us, already beginning to get excited again.

"Fuck, Jasper, are you trying to kill me?" he groaned.

"Now why would I do that?" I teased. "I miss you when you're not in the same room as me, I certainly couldn't stand to have you gone forever."

"You do?" he asked, surprised. I nodded and stood up, swinging my legs one at a time over the bench.

"Yes, very much so," I sighed.

Apparently, it was a night for admissions.

"Where are you going?" I could hear the worry in his voice and fuck, if he wasn't a sight, leaning back against the piano, face flushed, eyes gleaming, shirt opened exposing a chest glistening with a thin sheen of sweat, hips bones peeking out from his spread jeans, semi-hard cock nestled in his shiny curls.

"Relax. I'm just going to get you something to clean up with," I chuckled at his concern.

He grabbed my hand before I had a chance to step away. "Wait. What about you?" His eyes darted to my erection.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be right back," I replied, leaving before he could object. After snagging some tissues from the downstairs bathroom, I made my way back to Edward, finding him in the same position as I left him, only his eyes were now closed.

"Here ya' go." I held out the tissues to him, his eyes popped open and he took them from me, wiping his stomach and pulling his cock upright to run the tissues around his head. Needing to leave before the urge to take him into my mouth overcame me, I turned and headed for the stairs.

His voice stopped me at the bottom of the stairs. "Are you leaving?"

_Of course not. I could never leave you. _

"'Course not, baby. I'm just going upstairs to take care of some business," I reassured him, not facing him, knowing if I did, his cock would be deep inside my throat.

"Oh…" he said quietly, but loud enough for me to hear the hurt in his voice.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?" I could hear him getting off the bench, the keys of the piano finally relaxing after he released his weight from them.

"Would you like to come upstairs with me?" I gulped, shocked I was inviting him to my room, insinuating I wanted him in my bed.

Insinuate, my ass. I fucking did want him in my bed.

When he answered, he was directly behind me, his body pressed against my back, his hands wrapping around my waist, his lips finding the back of my neck under my waves.

"Fuck, yes, I want to go upstairs with you. I thought you'd never ask," he breathed into my heated skin, his lips licked along my hairline, sending shivers through my entire body. My cocked aching with the anticipation of those lips wrapped around it, of that skilled tongue relishing my musky taste. Suddenly, I wasn't sure I could even make it up the stairs to my room.

"Are you sure?" We were about to venture into known territory, and stage of our intimacy not yet explored, and I wanted him to be certain.

"Always, Jasper," he said wistfully.

"****~~**"**

Thank you for reading~


	4. Company at Night

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-While this is S&S J/E, they are only **possible** moments from the story, and do not in any way affect the storyline, or outcome, of Safe and Sound. This outtake takes place immediately following chapter 8 of _Safe and Sound_

Huge thanks to **C Me Smile**-for a quick turn-around, and for always knowing what to say to make me feel better.

Thanks to Dannie for the encouragement (and threats) to continue.

To those that have read, thank you! I appreciate it very much.

"****~~**"**

Company at Night

Location: Seattle, WA (Acquiescent)

"****~~**"**  
Let me run my fingers through your hair  
I'll keep you company at night  
And baby, I'm here to make this right-The Cab

"****~~**"**

We entered the house quietly, so as not to wake up Edward. Bella whispered goodnight to me at the top of the stairs, and went to her room. Stumbling into my room, I felt my way to the nightstand to turn on a light. Stripping out of my clothes, I threw on a pair of pajama bottoms and went into the bathroom to wash up and brush my teeth, rinsing away the stale beer taste clinging heavily in my mouth. I may have not been able to taste the alcohol anymore, but I could still its effects on my body.

I lay on top of the blankets on my bed attempting to fall asleep, but the echo of my erection from earlier was still present, starting as a whisper, gradually building until it demanded my attention. Without a thought, my hand slid down my naked chest, pausing briefly to pinch a nipple before continuing down my stomach, my muscles tensing in anticipation of my own touch.

As if they didn't know what was coming.

My fingers slid under the elastic of my pants, grazing over the head of my cock, already damp from the fluid gathered there. With a moan, I slicked my hand and gripped myself tightly in one smooth stroke down.

It felt so good.

My mind wandered as I hardened even more in my hand's embrace, the images from the night - Bella's hands in my hair, her lips on mine, tiny legs wrapped around me - spurred me on.

That's when I heard the light snores coming from Edward's bedroom through our open door.

With each raspy breath he took, the images before me morphed into short messy hair, a stubble-covered jaw rubbing down my neck, my hands groping his ass as I pressed him against the wall, his strong legs around my trim waist.

Suddenly, it wasn't enough.

I wanted more.

Realizing, my hand wasn't going to satisfy me, I let go of myself, the elastic snapping back as I removed my hand from under my pants. Before I could reconsider what I was doing, I had climbed out of bed, walked through the adjoining door before closing it, and stood a few feet from the end of Edward's bed watching him sleep.

He was on his stomach, his sheet laying low across his hips. My cock twitched at the thought of him naked under the thin layer of black cotton.

Edward slept in the nude.

Edward slept in the nude.

_Holy fuck._

I palmed myself through my pants, debating on stripping off my clothing as well, the alcohol coursing through my system certainly fogging my thoughts with lust.

Lust stirring in my head with all the things I wanted to do to Edward…_with_ Edward. I watched his back rise and fall with each sleeping breath. The moonlight through his large window fell across him, shadowing each curve of his muscles. With his head turned to the side, I could easily see the whiskers gracing his jaw, his full lips parted in a pout while his eyes fluttered back and forth under his lids, his hair sticking up in every direction from having slept in the same position.

Even at complete rest, he was fucking beautiful.

My head lolled back as my hand once again slipped under the elastic, my fingers closing around my cock loosely. Gliding my other hand up my stomach, over my chest and to my mouth, I licked my fingers before placing them on a nipple, quickly teasing it to a pebbled state.

The things I wanted to do to this man flooded my brain. Images of entwined limbs, cocks rubbing, nails scratching down backs as names were let loose from gasping mouths, skin slapping together as our hips pounded into each other repeatedly. There was no room in my mind for the emotions these acts would bring and leave behind, I was strictly running on pure physical desire and need for his body.

Every fucking inch of his body.

"_Suck me, Jasper. Take me deep, let my cum flow down your throat, hot and thick."_

_My pace quickened with each word he spoke as his cock filled my mouth completely, thrusting in and out of my mouth with his hand in my hair, guiding me. Looking up at him through my lashes, I would see his features stressed in concentration, his tongue constantly darting out to lick his lips and taking an occasional deep breath to regulate his breathing. Green eyes would stare down at me with incredible hunger, pleasure and yes, love. _

"_Fuck, Jasper, you're fucking beautiful on your knees before me. If your mouth is this good, I can only imagine how incredible your ass is going to be." _

_With those words of what was to come, I hallowed my cheeks, sucking him harder, deeper. As my head bobbed up and down his length, my tongue worked his cock with great effort. I wanted to see Edward cum, his face never more beautiful then when he is in the height of his orgasm. When his hands began to fist my hair tighter, he began to drive into me harder. _

"_Ugh…that's it, love. Mmmmm… yes, fuck, Jasper, I'm gon-"_

A deep sigh startled me, my head snapping back up, my hand quickly leaving my pants in fear Edward had woken up and caught me. I squinted in the dark room to make out his form, still soundly sleeping.

Then it was my turn to sigh in relief. Shaking my head, I realized I needed to leave the room, get far away from the temptation his body obviously had over mine.

_Yes. Leave the room._

The bed shifted under my weight as I crawled up it until I was kneeling between Edward's spread legs. My fingers hovered just above the sheet over his thighs, itching to pull it down.

_That wouldn't be right. _

Brushing the cotton sheet, I pinched it between my fingers, ever so tantalizingly slowly pulling it down over the curve of his ass. As each delicious inch of his pale skin was exposed, my heart raced, having never seen Edward in this state before.

Completely vulnerable in his sleep.

Completely naked.

I was harder than I had ever been in my entire life, my cock aching to be buried deep in the sight before me. His ass was even more perfect than I had imagined, unmarred creamy skin covered two firm cheeks, begging to be groped, bit, and _spread_.

Groaning at the thought of Edward's ass spread for me, I reached down to my pants and lowered them to my hips, exposing half my erection. Pinching the head of my cock between my index finger and thumb, I let my eyes travel from this hair, to his shoulders and down his spine…I couldn't resist anymore.

I leaned forward, my hands on either side of his waist, and lowering myself, I placed a kiss on his shoulder. Then my lips began to work my way across his back to his other shoulder, occasionally stopping to lick the salty skin, sampling his earthy taste.

When a quiet, unconscious moaned escaped him, my hips reflexively bucked into him, my cock brushing his ass. A rush of fucking pure wanton desire flooded every cell of my body, literally leaving me breathless. Never had I experienced something so charged, so strong as the pull I felt for Edward at that very moment.

With this rush, my kisses were gentle no more; instead my lips pulled Edward's flesh between them, sucking feverishly as my pelvis hovered just above him, my cock barely skimming his ass.

"Edward," I murmured against his wet warm skin. "Do you have any idea what you do to me? Any fucking clue about the things I want to do to_ you_? How badly I want to feel you, be buried deep inside this fucking perfect ass of yours, hot and tight, as I pound you until you scream my name. God, I want to fuck you so badly right now...want to cum so badly…inside you…."

Thrusting rhythmically, each roll of my hips nestled my cock between his inviting cheeks, my slit dripping opalescent fluid onto him, smearing it as I continued to press into him. The natural lube allowed me to slide along his skin with ease. Pausing, I balanced on one hand, and reached down to my pants with my other, roughly yanking them down over my own ass, my cock bouncing as it was completely freed from the material. Immediately, I resumed my thrusts, my cock throbbing with each movement, the veins pulsing, engorging me to the point of pain.

Gasping, I laid my forehead between Edward's shoulder blades, my breath washing over his back. At this angle, I could see the tip of cock appear and disappear between Edward's cheeks as I pumped into him.

Never had I done anything like this before, taken advantage of someone's unconscious state to seek pleasure for myself. It wasn't right. Guilt began to seep into my thoughts and instinctively, my hips slowed, almost to a stop.

What kind of sick fuck was I?

"God, Edward…what am I doing. I'm so sorry…." I sighed, lifting my head to get off the bed.

"Don't you fucking stop, Jasper." Below me, he stirred, his words those of an awake man.

_Oh shit._

"Edward?" I whispered incredulously.

He didn't reply verbally, but I felt his ass rise up to meet my cock, granting my hips permission to continue at will. My eyes closed and I practically collapsed on top of him, catching myself on my elbows before dropping my complete weight onto him. Panting, I steadily pumped my hips into him as his ass would rise again and again to meet my thrusts, my forehead back on his shoulders. He reached around with one hand, he grasped desperately at my hips, my ass.

"Feels so fucking good…so fucking good…." I repeated over and over, a manta of sorts. Sweat beaded up on his skin, and I would lick it away, his hair beginning to matt at the nape of his neck where I push it aside to inhale his scent in deep breaths.

I felt the tightening in my abdomen, the spreading of warmth and then his movements stilled.

Then he moaned, deep and feral.

Putting his hands by his shoulders, he rose, pushing me off him. A bit shocked, I leaned back on my knees, not even bothering to pull my pants up.

"Take them off," he demanded as he turned over beneath me, still remaining between my legs. Reaching up, he grabbed the material of pants gathered at my thighs and tugged them down forcefully. My eyes widened in surprise and fucking excitement as I practically stumbled off the bed in my rush to remove them. Standing, unsteady in my intoxicated state, I pulled my pants down, stepping out of them before I looked back up at Edward.

Naked, vulnerable and open, he lay before me on his bed, his skin glimmering in the moon's glow, his chest heaving as much as my own, his tongue tracing his lips as his eyes skimmed over my body, pausing at my cock.

"You're more than beautiful, Jasper," he held out his hand to me, inviting me back into his bed, onto him. With a shy grin and flushed cheeks from his compliment, I climbed back onto his bed, resting once again on my elbows over him, only this time he was awake and I could see his eyes, and kiss his lips.

Fuck, I wanted his lips.

So I took them, open mouth, tongues already meeting his before our lips even touched. Warm breaths exchanged as we ground our hips together, our cocks sliding against each other between us, the friction so fucking incredible, I was certain I was going to cum right then. Each thrust of mine was met by a sensual circle of his, one of his hands in my hair holding my lips to his, his other on my ass, his nails digging into my supple flesh.

Moaning at the sensation, I pulled away from his mouth, rubbing my cheek along his stubble, the rough abrasive feel glorious against my own. My tongue lapped along this jaw until I reached his ear, he tilted his head to allow me access.

"Did you hear me earlier, Edward? When I said the things I want to do you?" I traced his ear with my tongue. Shaking his head, he only groaned in reply. "Hmm...well, then let me repeat myself. I want to feel you, I want to be deep inside you, fucking you so hard with my cock…cumming in you, hearing you scream my name…Jesus…fuck… Edward…the things… I want…to do…to you…." I began to lose my train of thought as hands forced my hips to his, keeping them there firmly while he ground himself up into me, our cocks straining against each other. Wet and slippery with our mixed pearly fluids, they slid back and forth, creating the most wonderful sensation.

His lips were now at my ear, as my chin rested on his shoulder, my lips pressed against the tender skin of his neck, sucking it, claiming it, marking _him_ once more.

"Mmmm, I never knew it could feel this good. If being with you like this is this incredible…just wait until we do more.…" he said quietly into my ear, his breathing just as fast as my own as our hips continued to meet in wild abandon.

Nodding, I reached down with my mouth and took his nipple into my mouth, biting the darkened skin, lovingly circling my tongue around it. Edward arched up off the bed, offering himself to me, offering his body for my tasting and rapture, his soul for my trust and love.

"God, I want to fuck you," he murmured under his breath, and with those words, my balls tightened, singling my impending climax. The burning had already begun to spread throughout my abdomen, my entire body tensing with impatience. I wanted to cum, but I wanted Edward with me, to join me in the gratification we both sought so desperately.

"Please….Edward," I begged. "Cum with me."

Nodding, he looked at me, his gaze holding me, tethering me to his soul. "Look at me, Jasper, watch me cum for you…only you…."

When I felt his fingers caressing the skin between the cheeks of my ass, I lost it.

"Ugh…I'm cumming," I growled through clenched teeth and put my forehead on his, my hands fisting his hair so tightly, I'm sure it must have hurt him. "Edward," I cried as my orgasm ripped through my body, my cock shooting short bursts of cum between us as my hips erratically bucked into him while I rode out the waves of pure bliss as they rolled throughout me. I tried to focus on Edward, keep my eyes on his, but as the force of my orgasm hit me, my eyes closed and my jaw tightened with effort, in an attempt to maintain the ecstasy in every single fiber of my body for as long as possible.

"Look at me," he grunted, and I opened my eyes just in time to see his fill with his climax. His cock erupted, shooting streams of his cum onto our stomachs as his entire body convulsed in wake of his orgasm. Groans of sheer delight flowed from deep in his body, his head thrown back, eyes hooded as he tried to hold our gaze.

To have my naked body flush on top of Edward's as he came underneath me, his body writhing from our union, his eyes becoming unfocused and dazed as his climax hit him completely was the most intimate experience of my life.

When both of us were completely spent, I realized I was resting all my weight on Edward and must be crushing him. Releasing my death grip on his hair, I started to rise, releasing him from the pressure of my body, but his arms stopped me, wrapped tightly around my waist, he bound me to him.

"Don't go," he whispered, kissing me benevolently. I nodded, gradually feeling the effects of the alcohol wearing off, my orgasm apparently having sobered me up a bit.

Then it hit me.

I was in bed with Edward.

Naked.

Completely and utterly naked.

I had woken him up from a sound sleep by rubbing my cock on his ass, and telling him the things I wanted to do his body. Breaking our kiss, I cupped his face in my hands, and cleared my thoughts, still hazy from beer and Edward.

Now the effects of my intoxication were purely as a result of being with Edward, and not alcohol related.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I had been drinking at the party…I didn't mean to do that to you...." I trailed off, not sure how to apologize for taking advantage of someone.

"Sshh…Jasper, stop. It's fine, really. If I had wanted you to stop, I would have said something."

"But…." I sighed. "How long were you awake?"

He chucked, eyes starting to clear of his post-coital haze. "Umm, pretty much from when you got on my bed."

So much for my stealthy abilities.

"Still, Edward, I shouldn't have done that…I'm so sorry," I laid my head on his chest, his heart still racing beneath me, and I remember being surprised it hadn't slowed down yet.

Of course, my own was pounding just as quickly.

With a kiss to my forehead, he released my waist. "Let me get us something to clean up with," he bucked his hips up into me, reminding me we still had two orgasms worth of cum between us, lightly adhering our stomachs together. Embarrassed, my cheeks flushed as I rolled off him, my body immediately missing his warmth, and craving his return. Edward climbed off the bed, gingerly walking into the bathroom off his room, where I could briefly hear the water running before he padded back into the bedroom.

"Here," he said, handing me a damp warm towel. As I lay on my back, wiping the remains of our mutual satisfaction off my stomach, Edward climbed back into bed, lying on his side facing me. I tossed the towel onto the floor and turned to get out of bed.

His hand on my wrist stopped me, "Where are you going?" his voice betraying a slightly nervous tone.

"Back to my room," I motioned toward the closed door between our rooms.

Letting go of my wrist, he grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. "Please don't go. Stay with me tonight," he requested.

Biting my lip, I considered my options. Sleeping with Edward all night might lead to other activities, which I was not exactly opposed to, and perhaps more ready for than I cared to admit, but it also meant a new level of our relationship, one we had yet to explore.

But fuck, I wanted to explore it.

Desperately.

I needed to stay with him as much as he wanted me to stay.

I nodded, and reached down to the floor at the bottom of the bed for my pajama bottoms.

"Leave them off."

Well, he was full of all kinds of requests. "Are you sure?"

His eyes grew wide, excited that I would even consider sleeping in the nude with him. "Absolutely."

Worked for me.

I climbed back into the bed, lying on my side facing him, I scooted closer so we were touching. With each breath we took, our chests expanded and met in the middle. Reaching down, he grabbed his sheet, and pulled it up to our waists. Tossing a leg over my hip, he pulled me even tighter to this body.

My cock twitched as it reunited with his in our closeness, and I groaned. With his hand resting on my side, he leaned over and kissed me, briefly brushing his lips back and forth against mine. There was nothing for me to do but relish his tender touches, each kiss filled with a gratitude for staying, and a promise of what was to come. I rested my hands on his chest, feeling his heart thumping deep inside him, the heart that owned me, possessing my soul to the point of aching when they were not in close vicinity to each other.

I could never feel this way, this special, about anyone else.

"Edward," I whispered. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to explain how much he affected me, how much I missed him, desired his hands on my body constantly.

_Was it love_?

"Yes?" he prompted me when I didn't continue, and for a second I thought he was answering my internal question. Pulling my eyes from his stare, I glanced down at my hands on his chest, his warm skin heating my palms, our pulses beating in time with each other.

I shook my head, at a total loss as to what to say, I needed to tell him something, I just wasn't sure what. "I just…" I sighed. "I just… have these strong feelings, and I wonder if you have them too?"

I kept my eyes on my hands on his chest, drawing lazy circles around each of his nipples. Smiling, he reached up and grabbed my hands.

"First, stop doing that," he smirked. "Unless you want a repeat performance of earlier."

The heat rushed my cheeks again, but I smiled regardless at the irony. Earlier I had told him all the hedonistic things I wanted to do his body, and now I was blushing at the memory of what we had already done.

The beer was definitely out of my system.

"I wouldn't exactly object to repeating those activities," I murmured. He reached up and brushed my curls that had fallen in my face, covering my eyes.

"Jasper, listen to me. Of course I have the same feelings you do, probably even stronger. I know I don't want to be without you. I know my body craves yours every time you are near. You've got me on my knees, everything you do, or say, fills a void in me. And I know I feel…very possessive of you."

"Possessive?"

"Yes. And I need to tell you something."

I became nervous with those few words, it was almost as bad as hearing 'we need to talk'. His fingers were under my chin, lifting it, forcing me to look at him.

"I know you don't realize it, but you hurt me the other day." He sounded sad, his voice small and quiet.

Confused, I raised an eyebrow. "Hurt? How?"

With a deep breath, he confessed. "At the library, when you walked in with Emmett." Still I waited for his explanation. "His arm was around you."

_Oh. _

"Edward, that was just Emmett being Emmett, he's a big teddy bear, you know that. It didn't mean anything…nothing at all." It was my turn to comfort him. Cupping his face, I placed a brief kiss on his lips.

"I know, and I realize that now, but when I saw it, I wanted to rip his arm from his shoulder and feed it to him. I know it's irrational, and I'm sorry that I feel that way, but…every time I see you, especially with someone else, I just want to scream 'MINE' to them. "

"You know better than that," I grinned. Glancing down, I gathered some confidence to expand on my feelings for him. "Edward, no one will ever, _ever_ know me, have me, like you do. I am yours. Only yours. Always. Never doubt that."

His lips met mine with the same intense passion from earlier. My formally sated cock began to swell, twitching at the silky touch of his length once again rubbing against mine. Long fingers were in my hair, twisting around my curls, his body pressed to mine so completely that nothing would fit between us. As we broke apart, both of us breathing a bit heavier, his licked my lips with his tongue.

I fucking moaned at his teasing.

"Let's get some sleep," he said softly, placing one last kiss on my forehead.

That was how we fell asleep, face to face, hands in each others' hair, legs completely entwined, breaths shared and mingled in the air between us.

The knocking, more like fucking banging, scared the shit out of me, and I jumped, confused at first as to where I was.

When I felt the moist breath the back of my neck, the erection pressing against my back, and the strong leg caught between my own, I remembered.

Edward.

Naked in his bed.

_Me_ naked in his bed.

I closed my eyes again, the banging had ceased, and I assumed it was a direct result to the amount of alcohol I had had.

Just when I had settled back into Edward's warm embrace, his arms holding me to him firmly, the banging started again…only this time it was accompanied by a voice.

Bella's voice.

"Edward? Wake up! Do you know where Jasper is? He went to bed when we got home last night and he's not there now," she exclaimed, a bit of worry, and annoyance, evident in her tone.

My wide eyes darted to the door that connected my room with Edward's, and saw it closed. Thank God I had had the forethought to close the damn thing the night before.

"Edward," I said as quietly as possible, shaking his arm around me. "Wake up." He moaned and snuggled into my back more, his cock seeping pre-cum onto my skin, my dick responding in kind. "Edward, wake up," I said a bit more forcefully.

"Mmm, too comfortable," he sighed in my hair.

God, there was nothing more I wanted to do at that moment than roll over and kiss him senseless before continuing on to other delights. With each warm breath, each twitch of his cock, he made it more difficult to care about getting caught.

"Edward…."I whispered.

"EDWARD!" Bella yelled. Her hand slammed on the door.

Shocked, Edward yelped, bolting upright, his eyes sleepy and confused, but wide with fear. "What?" he replied rather angrily.

"Have you seen Jasper? He's not in his room, and he went in there last night after we got home." Edward turned to me, lying naked in his bed with a look of complete horror on my face, and he smiled.

Fucking smiled.

He held his index finger up to his lips before leaning down and kissing me.

Hard.

With tongue.

Instinctively, my hands found their way to this ass, groping the object of my desire last night, allowing his cock to press against my thigh.

Pulling back, he moved to my ear, his words husky with sleep, "Good morning, love."

"G'mornin, baby,'" I drawled, having completely forgotten about Bella.

He sat back up, and while holding my hands, and looking into my eyes, he answered Bella. "No, I haven't seen him, he's probably just out jogging or something," he reasoned with her.

I swear I could see her eyes roll at Edward's excuses, but she believed him anyway and said she would be down in the kitchen starting breakfast.

Unwillingly, I sat up, keeping the sheet wrapped around my waist. "What am I going to tell her?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Tell her you were in your room, you just didn't hear her knocking…hangover and all."

"Okay. I should um...go shower." I couldn't believe how embarrassed I was suddenly to be in Edward's bed, as he sat nude before me, his erection begging for the attention I wanted to give it.

"Yea," he smiled shyly, rising to his knees and reaching a hand out to me."Come on."

Oh, I liked his way of thinking.

There was something I wanted, no, _needed_, to do first. Leaning forward, I licked my lips and bent down, placing a gentle kiss on the head of Edward's cock, pleased when it twitched at my light touch.

One kiss really didn't satisfy me, so holding him with one hand; I licked up one side of his cock and down the other, before swirling my tongue around the head, never actually taking him into my mouth.

I felt his hand in my hair, tangling the messy bed-headed waves as groans escaped from him. "Jesus fucking Christ, Jasper, warn me before you do that shit, will ya?"

Still bowing before him, his cock only an inch from my mouth, I peeked up at him through my lashes, just like in my fantasy the night before, his half-closed eyes were dark with lust, his tongue sticking out between his parted lips. Rising, I kissed him, still holding his erection in my hand, slowly pumping him, before leaning to his ear, and suggestively murmured.

"I don't know about you, but I think I really need that shower now.…" I released him and climbed off the bed, letting his sheet fall, exposing my entire body to him. Just as I reached the bathroom door, I looked over my shoulder at him, still kneeling on the bed, his erection aching for my touch again, his expression one of shock and pure fucking joy.

"Are you coming?" I winked, and I had never seen Edward move so fast in my life.

"Always, Jasper," he answer, practically running up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~~


	5. Body Rock

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-While this is S&S J/E, they are only **possible** moments from the story, and do not in any way affect the storyline, or outcome, of Safe and Sound.

They say the college years are all about experimenting, right? Well, jasper is ready for some experimenting. Even though there be smut ahead, a lot more happens here beside that. There are HUGE leaps for them both, especially Jasper.

Huge thanks to **C Me Smile**-for her continued support, and all-round greatness.

Much love to **Dannie** for her love, encouragement, and laughs. Here you go sweetie, 10k of Perfectward and Kindofgaysper just for you.

To those that have read, thank you! I appreciate it very much.

"****~~**"**

Body Rock

Location: Seattle, WA (Enchanted)

"****~~**"**  
Hold me and love me  
Just want touch you for a minute  
Baby three seconds is in it for my heart to quit it

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick  
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick~Lady GaGa

"****~~**"**

"Shit," I yelled, tossing the books to the end of my bed, I covered my face with my hands and rocked my body back and forth trying to clear my head. "Why the hell can't I get this right!?"

Why the fuck couldn't I remember the dates from the Sabine Pass battles, or the generals that led the fights? God damn it, I was from Texas, shouldn't that shit be in my DNA or something?

"I should know this shit…." I berated myself, and my inability to recall anything about the Civil War –which was a bit necessary for my exam in three days. It was going to by far be the hardest test I had. While normally names and dates came easily to me, I was having issues with that particular area.

Perhaps I needed a drink, something warm and soothing…or strong and soothing. Chuckling at the thought of drunk studying, I began to think about what liquor we might have in the kitchen.

"Hey," the velvet voice immediately soothed me more than any alcohol ever could. Who was I kidding, nothing would ever have the effect on me that Edward did.

Pulling my head from hands, I looked up to see him standing in our doorway in his jeans, an untucked white button down shirt and a thin black tie.

"You look nice," I couldn't keep the smile from my face, and let my eyes eagerly travel up and down his body, taking in every handsome inch. Even from my bed, I saw the flush appear on his cheeks as he shifted his weight uncomfortably under my hungry stare.

"Thanks," he mumbled, running a hand through his hair, messing it up even more, a faint pink tingeing his cheeks.

I loved that I could make him nervous. Nothing phased Edward.

Nothing but me.

As much fun as I was having, I decided to let him off the hook. "What's with the shirt and tie?"

Caught off guard, he looked surprised before he glanced down and saw his tie. Fingering it absently, he looked back up at me. "I had a meeting earlier at my Dad's hospital. I just got back."

"How did it go?" I began picking up my books, and closed my laptop, telling myself it was because I was done for the night, but I knew it was a silent invitation for him to join me on my bed.

We hadn't seen each other much since the incredible night I had spent wrapped in his arms. The next day, I had regretted going to him in my drunken state. He assured me, drunk or not, he was glad I had entered his room, and expressed my apparently true desires to him.

Although said desires were still a bit foggy to me, and he refused to tell me exactly what I had said.

Something had changed in our relationship that night, we had crossed a line into something more intimate, casual but intense at the same time. When we were alone, we made little effort to hide our physical affection for each other. Often it was simple contact, our arms brushing when we passed in the hall, or sitting a bit closer than usual when we were studying.

A few times, however, our hormones had gotten the best of us.

That was never more evident than one night after Bella had gone to bed, and Edward and I had continued to study downstairs in the living room. As soon as Bella was out of sight, I had moved to sit on the floor between Edward's thighs, my laptop on my outstretched legs. The feeling of his hands massaging my shoulders was both welcomed and distracting. At first, I had resisted the need to lean back into his touch, but I failed miserably and ended up resting limply against him as he kneaded my stressed muscles. As his ministrations continued, I had felt him shift behind me, and imagined I was having the same affect on him as he was me. Beneath my laptop, my hand had begun to slowly rub myself through my jeans.

"_God, Edward, that feels so good," I moaned, not sure I was referring to his massage or my own touching. _

_I was definitely having the same affect on him, because the words were hardly out of my mouth and I was being pulled upwards by his strong arms. So it wouldn't fall, I quickly placed my laptop on the floor before putting my hands on Edward's knees for leverage and hoisting myself up into his lap. While I turned to straddle him, his lips were already leaving wet kisses on my jaw, making his way to my ear where he took my lobe in his mouth, nipping it gently. _

_Chuckling at his urgency, I rested my hands on his chest and tilted my head granting him the access he desired. When he pulled away, my lips instinctively sought out his, meeting in a passion-filled kiss, our tongues swirling around each other, tasting the Red Bull we had both been drinking along with our own unique flavors. With his hands on my ass, he bucked his hips up into me, and I returned the favor by grinding mine down into his. _

"_You feel…and taste… so fucking good," Edward gasped as I pulled away from his lips and took my turn sampling the taste of the sensitive skin of his neck. _

_Over the next hour, our shirts came off allowing mouths to kiss and lick every inch they could reach. Buttons were undone, zippers were lowered, and hands feverishly stroked each other to a release we both desperately needed. _

_Catching our breath, our foreheads resting against each other, we couldn't control the grins we both wore. Smirking, he reached between us, dragging a finger from my stomach to my chest, gathering evidence from both our orgasms that coated my flesh along the way before sticking his finger in his mouth and sucking. _

"_Jesus, Edward," I panted, my hands twirling the hair at the nape of his neck, feeling my cock twitch against his stomach, already eager to have a repeat performance. Feeling the movement, he glanced down at my growing erection, and raised an eyebrow._

"_Shower?" he suggested._

"_Fuck yeah."_

Since then, we had decided we got more accomplished, and remained clothed, when we studied alone.

The mattress dipped from his weight as he accepted my invitation and sat in front of me, bringing me from my thoughts of our last study session together.

"What are you laughing at?" I asked when I heard him chuckling under his breath. Leaning back on the palms of his hands, he grinned at me.

"I've been talking to you but you didn't hear a word I said. Where were you?"

Now it was my turn to blush under the scrutiny of his green eyes. "Just thinking," I excused."What were you saying?"

"Well," he began, sitting up straight."I was saying that Bella's over at Rosalie's tonight and we've been studying our asses off…what?"

_Asses._

I couldn't contain the laughter that bubbled out of me.

"Sorry," I apologized, attempting to stifle the giggling. "Just…overworked I guess."

"Exactly my point," he continued."We've been working hard…"

_Hard_.

I snorted.

"Jesus Jasper, what are you, twelve?"

"I'm sorry," I repeated, my shoulders shaking as I tried to control myself. Rolling his eyes, he stood up. "Wait, where are you going?"

"To stu-"

"No!" I practically shouted, jumping off the bed, I grabbed his wrist. "I'm sorry, just been under pressure to get this done. Forgive me?" I put on my best straight, or at least serious, face. He pretended to frown, but nodded. "What did you want to ask?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me-"

"YES!" I actually did shout before he was even finished. "Where?" I asked before he could withdraw his offer.

Smiling at my over eagerness, he answered, "A new bar downtown, just opened a few weeks ago. Interested?"

Frowning, I thought."A bar? We're not twenty-one though."

"Yeah, eighteen to get in, twenty-one to drink," he replied, his hand twisting in mine to grab it tightly.

"In that case, I definitely want to go. What should I wear?" I called over my shoulder as I headed to my closet.

_What kind of fucking girly question was that? _

Instantly, his arms were around my waist, his nose buried in the waves of my hair. "Well I prefer you nude, but the other patrons might have a problem with that."

My heart skipped a beat, and then raced in my chest at his suggestive tone. Rarely was Edward so…forward.

I fucking loved it.

"Mmm…" I went to turn in his arms but he let me go and pulled away, even as my body called him back.

"You look great in that." He motioned up and down my body with his hand. Knitting my brows, I glanced at the mirror over my dresser, viewing my yellow tee shirt and jeans.

"You kidding?" I had never really questioned Edward's fashion sense before. He reached out and ran the palm of his hand down my chest to my stomach.

"Nope, it's perfect. I love how it fits you," he licked his lips, his eyes on his hand the entire time.

Well, fuck, if Edward liked it on me, then on me it would stay.

"Ready to go?" he asked, dropping his hand and heading toward my door.

Following him, I tried to keep my eyes off his ass. "Wait, don't you need to change?"

He shook his head."Nah, I'm good," he said trotting down the stairs, behind him I took them two at a time. "Let's take the Volvo." After grabbing his keys from the table by the door, he opened the door, waiting for me to go through. Grabbing my leather jacket off the coat rack, I pushed my arms in it as I walked by him and out to his car.

My heart beating just a bit too fast when I thought about the carnivorous look he had given me as I brushed by him on my way out the door.

In the car, when Edward's hand found my own, entwining his fingers, I immediately relaxed, although my heart simultaneously sped up and slowed down at the same time. Glancing at our clasped hands, I considered pulling mine from his grasp.

But why.

What was the harm in holding his hand in the privacy of his car? It's not like anyone could see us, we weren't in public, and honestly, I was a selfish creature.

I fucking liked his touch.

We held hands for the entire drive.

"**~~**"

At the bar, once again, Edward held the door open for me. We were stopped by a bouncer, who checked our IDs before stamping the back of our hands with a big 'UNDER 21" mark. The bar was small, and fucking darker than hell, the only light being strings of small twinkle lights that lined the top of every wall, and what appeared to be dance lights strobing from an adjacent room. As I stood still, scanning my surroundings, I felt Edward's hand on my back, lightly guiding me to the bar directly in front of us. As we approached the bar, music pounded through the speakers, my lips turning up at the deep bass of Kevin Rudolf's "Let it Rock".

"What'll it be, boys?" The bartender asked, leaning forward to hear us.

"Just two bottled waters," Edward ordered. Nodding, the bartender reached down and grabbed two waters from a refrigerator beneath the counter, handing them to us. "Keep the change," Edward said as he slid a ten dollar bill along the wet, shiny, laminated bar top.

"Thanks," the bartender winked at Edward before focusing his attention on his next customer.

Apparently, they employed very friendly bartenders.

We took our waters and went into the connecting room, which was about three times the size of the one we had been in. One of the large gray cement walls was covered with projection screens with music videos playing on it, as well as on the ten televisions hanging on the remaining walls. A larger bar lined the wall opposite the screens, and a small stage was to our left. There was no band on the stage, only people dancing. The DJ was in a far corner, his equipment set up around him while dance lights flashed to the beat of some Madonna song. A definite musky smell hung in the air even though I felt a slight breeze from the ventilation system. When I saw someone spill some of their drink, I realized that must be why the floor felt sticky. I couldn't help but smile and bob my head as Edward led me through the dancing bodies to the far corner of the room where there were some tables and bar stools.

"This okay?" he asked. Eagerly, I nodded. It had been ages since I had been out dancing, and I was excited to find a girl to dance with. Taking my jacket off, I told Edward I was going to find the coat check and forced my way back through the sweaty bodies, all the time looking for some potential single ladies.

When it was my turn at the coat check, I handed my jacket to the guy on the other side of the counter, casually noticing his hair was about three different colors.

"That'll be two dollars, Sweetie," he smiled, exposing his tongue ring, which happened to match his lip and eyebrow piercings. Stuffing my hand in my pocket, I pulled out a five, his hand brushing mine a bit too long as he took the money from my hand.

"Keep the change," I said, jerking my hand back from his heated touch.

Winking, he let his eyes roam down my chest, probably thinking my tee shirt was inappropriate. I knew I should have changed. "Thanks, Cutie," he said. "Here's your ticket." Confused at his term of endearment, I took the ticket, and shoved it in my pocket before mumbling thanks. As I turned away, I heard him call out, "Be sure to find me later, Hot Stuff!"

Definitely overly friendly workers.

I headed back to Edward, surprised at how crowded the bar was, people everywhere, even in the corners by the hallway leading to the bathrooms. There should be some cute co-eds somewhere, girls always danced in groups so I scanned the outskirts of the dance floor. Bodies bounced up and down, drinks in one hand, partners in their other. I knew we lived in a college town, but the place was packed.

With guys_._

_What the fuck_?

Suddenly in a bit of a hurry, I squeezed in and out of the groups of men chatting, dancing, and drinking. When my ass was groped, I jumped, bumping into another, who held me steady by flattening his palm against my chest.

"Nice pecs," he grinned, tweaking my nipple.

Blushing, I turned and hurried to Edward in the corner. Relieved when I found him sitting where I had left him, I briefly slowed, admiring him from a distance. With one arm resting on the table, the other tapped his leg in time with the beat of the music while his upper body swayed back and forth. I knew the firmness of those muscles flexing under this shirt, the way they tapered to his waist before getting even firmer around his hips, ass and thighs. His ass and thighs were my favorite parts of his body…well, two of my favorites. Along with…a very long list of other parts.

"What?" he asked innocently when he saw me standing before him, my face clearly showing my shocking revelation. He looked perfectly calm, but there was a twinkle in his eye that I hadn't seen often before.

"Do you notice something?" I nodded behind me to the dance floor filled with men. Peaking over my shoulder, his eyes surveyed the room quickly before settling back on me.

"Ah…no. What am I supposed to notice?" He raised an eyebrow.

He was fucking with me.

"Edward," I began, raising my voice so he could hear me, but then decided it would be better to tell him more privately. Leaning in, I put my hand on his shoulder and put my mouth next to his ear. I swear he shivered. "They are _all_ guys."

His eyes widened and he gasped. "Oh my God," he exclaimed.

Yeah, he was totally fucking with me.

"Did you know this was a gay bar, Edward?" I asked seriously, not sure his answer would make a difference.

"Honestly?" he asked, and I nodded. "Yes. Well, I had heard rumors it was anyway, but hoped that it wasn't like a leather bar or some shit like that. I just wanted some place where we could feel…" he paused, reaching over to grab my hand. "Comfortable."

I was wrong. His answer did make a difference. It made me certain I was exactly where I wanted to be. As much as I wanted to be upset he hadn't warned me of his suspicions, I couldn't help but smile as I sat back down on the stool next to him.

Warily, he eyed me. "You're not upset, are you?"

Quickly, I shook my head. "Not at all. I'm just…surprised." I watched the people around us, their openness with each other was freeing. Concerned, I looked back at Edward. "But aren't you worried about seeing someone you know?"

Immediately, he shook his head."No. I don't care what others think of me. Besides, I highly doubt we will see anyone we know."

His words saddened my briefly. If he didn't care what others thought, then why was he so careful about our relationship when we were in front of others.

Then it dawned on me.

He was careful for my sake, not his. He held back for me…not him. If he kept what had happened between us hidden for me, the least I could do was give him myself here, this one night, where we would not be judged, only accepted as ourselves.

"You could have warned me," I attempted to sound angry, and arched an eyebrow at him.

"Where's the fun in that?" His laughter was stopped short when a blonde boy approached us, stopping in front of me, holding out a hand.

"Wanna dance?" His grinned, his white teeth glowing in the dark lighting.

_Huh._

_This was a first._

I had never expected to be in a gay bar, much less get in asked to dance in one. Shocked, I glanced at Edward, my eyes begging for instructions on what to do. "It's okay, go on, dance with him," he replied to my silent question.

Well, I had wanted to dance, I just had expected it to be with girls. Not that it made much difference, dancing was dancing, right?

Decision made, I smiled shyly and took his hand, letting him pull me off the stool. He was cute enough, with dark brown eyes and long straight blonde hair that hung in his face, he was tall, only a few inches shorter than me and his body was definitely toned. As the boy dragged me out onto the floor, I cast one more glance over my shoulder to Edward, only to see him smirking, his eyes clearly watching my ass as I walked away from him.

I decided to give him something to ogle.

Stopping the boy on the edge of dance floor, I turned to face Edward, making sure he had a clear view of me. My dance partner stood in front of me, his back to Edward and began swaying his hips back and forth. He went to place a hand on my hip and I instinctively jumped back. Suddenly, the reality of my situation hit me.

I was at a gay bar.

Dancing with a fucking guy.

Well, he wasn't fucking yet, but I was pretty sure he wanted to be by the way he licked his lips while staring at mine. I had never danced with a guy before, much less as suggestively as he was. Managing to keep clear of his roaming hands by constantly spinning and twisting my body, I caught Edward watching me.

Intently.

Leaning back on his stool, his jaw slack, his legs spread wide, hands slowly, but restlessly rubbing up and down his thighs, like he was nervous, or something.

Or something.

_Showtime. _

The music changed, and Black Eyed Peas began telling me that they had a feeling tonight was going to be a good night. I agreed.

Unlike most guys, dancing was something I had always felt comfortable doing. My parents had often gone out dancing, and my mother had taught me the two-step as soon as I could put one foot in front of the other. She would spin me around the kitchen floor, teaching me how to keep my balance, how to lead a girl, and use my hips in a 'way all men should know how'.

Blushing at the memory, I realized I was going to put her advice to good use, although probably not in the way she had imagined. Lifting my arms above my head, I swung my hips back and forth before circling them slowly. Leaving one hand in the air, I let the other run through my hair before traveling down my chest before stopping at the hem of my tee shirt where I lifted it ever so slightly, exposing the tiniest sliver of my forever tanned skin and the elastic of my boxers.

I didn't care if I was dancing with my blond friend.

My eyes never left Edward's.

Even at a distance away, I could see his chest rise and fall rapidly as his breathing increased. Swallowing hard, he tried to break eye contact with me, but I would have none of that. Shaking my head at him, I spun around, my back to him and continued to sway back and forth, my shoulder shimmying as I leaned forward, jutting my ass out a bit.

This encouraged my partner, who grabbed my hips while my back was to him and spun us around together until we were both facing Edward, Blondie behind me, his hands possessively on me.

My gut told me to remove his hands, it wasn't right to dance with a guy like that, especially one that wasn't Edward. A bit frightened, I glanced around me, the floor littered with dancing couples, all of them dancing close, bumping and grinding to the music. A few doing it so openly, I had to turn away.

I began to rethink my reasoning on why the floor was sticky.

There were even a few that had discarded their shirts because they had gotten so hot… or perhaps it was for another reason. It _was_ hot, my shirt had already begun to cling to me, and had become a bit see through, hugging my body even tighter than before.

Nervousness pounded through my body with the music as I kept my eyes on Edward, who was now leaning forward, his tongue poking out between his full lips. Fingering the hem of my tee shirt, I grabbed it before I could change my mind, and in one quick motion, pulled it up and over my head, tucking it partly in the back pocket of my jeans.

_When in Rome_…

As Blondie kept his growing erection tight against my ass, my heart raced, but not from the dancing. Upon hearing the moan of approval from behind me, my nerves sparked with apprehension as to what was happening, what I was willingly doing.

How could I affect another man like that?

With my back bare, the boy took advantage and began to kiss my shoulders, working his way to my neck. Skilled hands were splayed on my chest, securing me to him as the fingertips circled my nipples before fanning out to study the contours of my abdomen, gently combing through the hair leading from my navel, our bodies continuing to dance.

Feeding my curiosity, I reached up behind me, curling an arm around his neck and into his silky hair as I leaned back into his body.

It felt nice, but it did nothing for me.

The one I really wanted had jumped off his stool and was quickly moving in my direction, pushing his way through the crowd until he stood almost chest to bare chest with me.

_Mission accomplished_.

Never had I seen a look of pure raw hunger in anyone's eyes before, much less in my cool collected Edward. I couldn't even say it was desire that clouded his eyes, giving them a glaze I had never witnessed. It was even more than lust. It was a complete loss of control.

I could do nothing but return his stare, return the same craving I felt for him.

As he stood before me with his chest heaving, and jaw tense, his tongue darted out to lick his lush bottom lip. His tie had been loosened around his neck, the top bottom few buttons of his shirts undone.

My cock twitched in my pants.

With my hand still fondling his hair, Blondie finally sensed we had company, and lifted his mouth from my shoulder, resting his chin on it instead. "Does your friend want to join us?" He cooed in my ear hopefully, eyeing Edward appreciatively.

Edward spoke firmly."No. His friend wants to join _him_." He paused, waiting to see if Blondie caught on.

He didn't.

"Alone," Edward glanced at my friend, and I couldn't help but smile.

My man was jealous.

"But-" the boy began, lifting his chin to challenge Edward.

_As if_.

"Fuck off," Edward reiterated. With one last kiss to my neck, and a whispered promise of his return in my ear, Blondie left us.

Alone.

Edward replaced Blondie's hands with his own on my hips, this thumbs rubbing my naked skin back and forth. The feeling of my skin under his sending him back into his lust filled haze, his eyes once again clouding over, and his control leaving him more and more with each pass of his thumb along the V of my hips.

I lay my arms on his shoulders, pulling him just a bit closer before whispering. "Hey, baby."

"Hey," he replied breathlessly.

"Did you come to rescue me?" I kept us swaying back and forth.

"You're so sexy..." he moaned, ignoring my question, his eyes half closed.

Laughing, I tossed my hair out of my eyes with a flick of my head."Oh yeah, didn't you know I'm bringing sexy back?"

"Fucking right you are," he murmured before kissing me, his tongue tracing my lips before asking me to part them. It was soft and passionate at the same time. He tasted of pure Edward with a hint of sweaty saltiness. Even though he had only stepped on the dance floor a minute earlier, his bronze hair was already damp, gathered in clumps at his nape, where I ran my fingers through it, separating the gathered pieces.

"You're hot," I mumbled, pulling from him, breaking our kiss.

"Damn right, I am," he chuckled. Threading his fingers through my belt loops, he tugged me even closer to him, his hips firmly against mine. Any doubt I might have had about my effect on Edward was gone when I felt his erection pressing up against my own lengthening cock.

I couldn't even begin to consider holding back the groan that erupted from me, there was nothing like the feeling of knowing he wanted me.

"Fuck yeah," I lolled my head back, closing my eyes, and felt one of his hands leave my hip before it brushed my tangled wet waves off my face. His lips were quickly on my neck, sucking and nibbling the sensitive skin with an intensity that was definitely going leave a mark…or a few.

More turtleneck sweaters for me for the next few days.

The room was spinning and I had a feeling it had nothing to do with the silver disco ball that reflected the red, blue and yellow pulsing lights, or the music that was continuously pumped through the sound system. Or the bodies that were jumping up and down around us, singing the lyrics of the songs, laughing and drinking.

No, the spinning effect was definitely caused entirely by the man in my arms. Not only his incredible body, but the essence that surrounded him, that was imbedded in every movement, thought, and emotion he had.

He made more than my head spin. He made my heart swell with adoration, and my cock throb with need.

When Edward's lips left my neck, I lifted my head and returned the favor, taking his lobe in my mouth, lavishing the shell of his ear with my tongue. "Dance with me," I begged.

I felt the shake of his head before I heard his shy reply, "I don't know how." Releasing his fleshy lobe, I straightened up, my hands leaving his hair and going immediately to his slim waist.

"I'll teach you," I offered, suggestively pushing my cock into him with a sensual swirl of my hips.

"Fuck, Jasper." His grip on my hips tightened, keeping our cocks rubbing together. "You keep that shit up and you can teach me anything you want," he moaned, biting his bottom lip.

"Promises, promises," I winked before letting him go and taking a step back, leaving one hand on the center of his chest. "Okay, it's all about keeping with the beat," I started, my body with a mind of its own began moving in rhythm with the song, my pelvis circling, lowering myself a bit before sliding back up Edward's body.

He stood motionless.

Concerned, I stopped, "You okay?"

Breathless, he nodded. "Don't stop."

It was his turn to beg. Grinning, I left my hand on his chest, and feeling more free than I ever had, I raised my other arm up in the air and began jumping up and down, encouraging Edward to move with me. Never stopping, his hands easily glided up and down my perspiration-slicked body, his fingers grazing over my muscles that shifted beneath my skin with each movement.

I thanked my father's athletic build and the genes that he had given me that enabled me to have a developed six-pack without much effort. Normally, I was uncomfortable with exposing myself, as I was self conscious of my body, but here with Edward's hands on me, I felt I was discovering a missing part of myself.

A piece I was eager to explore more fully.

The familiarity and meaning of the next song wasn't lost on me. Excited, I glanced at the stage to my left.

I tugged on his hand, effectively bringing him out of his Jasper induced coma. "Come on." I began to head toward the stage. He resisted little before he was voluntarily following me. Jumping up the two steps, I turned and pulled him up with me. When Edward went to resume our close positions, I stopped him.

"Not for this song, baby," I chastised. Laughing and shaking his head, he reluctantly began to lift his arms above his head in a "Y" formation.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," he complained meekly, smiling, as he swung his hips back and forth, making the letters "M","C" and "A" over his head. I couldn't help but laugh, imitating his moves. "Only for you, Jasper."

Confirming that I felt the same way, I winked. In all the years I had known Edward, all the events and parties we had been to, I had never seen him so free, so comfortable, so…himself.

This was the Edward that I knew existed under that veneer, the one I loved being around, the one that made me happy to be alive. I was proud that it was me that could uncover the true Edward, and the fact that it was only me he exposed himself to made it that much more special.

We spent the better part of the next hour dancing together on the crowded floor. Final exams long forgotten, all we cared about was each other and the music moving our bodies together. Edward was not nearly the bad dancer we had thought he was, showing potential once he actually let himself go and relaxed.

Even though we were surrounded by people, somehow it felt more intimate than being at home alone with him. The freedom, the acceptance, of being able to touch him openly in public was such a fucking turn-on. Our touches ranged from casual to possessive, clearly telling others to back off. Occasionally, I caught Blondie watching us, he had moved on and was having luck with another conquest. When our eyes met over Edward's shoulder, he winked at me, sticking out his tongue and wiggling it lewdly. Blushing, I buried my head in Edward's neck, inhaling his masculine scent. There was little that was hotter than a sweaty, flushed Edward, his arms loosely on my shoulders, hips grinding, tongue darting out to wet his lips while his hooded eyes remained on mine.

The start of the next song got a huge reaction from the crowd, which grew after the few first beats, as cheers went up all around us. Puzzled, I looked at Edward.

He shrugged."I guess they really like Lady GaGa."

I saw his mouth move again but couldn't hear him over the crowd, so I leaned in putting my ear near his pink lips. "I said, I want to take a ride on your disco stick," he repeated. With wide eyes, I stared at him, digesting his words.

Was he saying what I thought he was saying?

He nodded, answering my thoughts his hand slid down my back, forcing its way between my jeans and my boxers until he was freely groping my ass. I was torn between wanting to push it further into his hand, giving him more access, or thrusting forward against his hard body.

Two could play that game.

"As long as we get to take turns riding, I'm game." I challenged.

Was I really game? Yes, but not yet. And definitely not with anyone other than Edward.

"Promises, promises," he mimicked my earlier phrase. Abruptly, he let me go and took a step back. His look assured me he wasn't leaving, but when I reached for him, he stopped my hands, placing them by my side.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw his nimble fingers swiftly undo his tie, letting it hang around his neck while his fingers continued to make quick work of the buttons on his shirt, one by one they were undone, his shirt falling open to expose his exquisite pale chest. When the strobe light hit his pale skin, I swear it sparkled, reflecting fractured bits of light. The music was drowned by the blood rushing through my system; the pounding of my heart had little to do with the hours of dancing and more to with the half dressed man before me.

The fact that my hard on had been straining against my jeans all night was only more proof that I was ready to accept the possibility of physically more between us. That my heart beat faster when he was near, that my soul missed him when he wasn't was my proof that I was doing the right thing with the right person.

Excitedly, I glanced around us to see if anyone else was enjoying the striptease he was performing for me.

They were.

Two couples on either side of us were openly gazing at my Edward as he finished his task, and pulled his shirt open, but left it on. Unable to resist, I tentatively reached out and traced the outline of the muscles of his chest and stomach. The dusting of bronze hair surrounding his navel called to me and I couldn't help but sink my fingers into the waistband of his jeans, anchoring him to me. While my attention was focused on his crotch, he took advantage and slid his tie from his neck, draping it around mine.

At the feeling of the silky material on my skin, I looked back up at his face.

"Perhaps this tie can have another use later, but for now…" he murmured in my ear, and with a sharp tug on the ends of the tie, he pulled me to him, his mouth already opened for mine when we met. No hesitation in what we both wanted, our tongues explored and tasted languidly.

Let them watch.

Let them stare.

Let them want.

He was going home with me.

Pulling his lips from me, he rested his forehead against mine, our gasps mingling between us. Sweaty bare chest to sweaty bare chest, my arms slung on his shoulders, his hands at my hips, we gradually calmed ourselves.

Our eyes, which had rarely left each other all night no matter the amount of hot guys around us, were filled with something unidentifiable…at least to me. It went beyond my body's desire for his, beyond the unique primal need I felt to be touching him at all times. The feeling that I felt, and that I saw in Edward's eyes reflected back at me, was not one I could name. I knew I enjoyed it, I wanted to embrace it, let it encompass me entirely, bathe me in warm fuzziness.

"Jesus," he sighed, and I could only nod in agreement, suspecting he felt it as well.

"You're so beautiful when you're with me." I felt corny calling him beautiful, especially out loud, but honestly, there was no other word to describe him. Inside, Edward had a generous loving soul, and outside he was a walking Adonis.

"Huh?" he seemed dazed, or dazzled or something.

"I mean, you're always beautiful, but when it's just you and me alone is when you're most beautiful. You're open and honest…and it's breathtaking." I admitted, letting the words spill from my mouth before I could change my mind.

"Umm…Jasper?" he began, glancing at the people around us. "We're not alone," he reminded me.

I pulled him to me tighter, the feel of his sweaty skin sliding against mine aroused me far more than it should."Really? Because all I see is you."

Rolling his eyes dramatically, he smiled before planting a small kiss on my lips. "Thank you," he mouthed against them.

While I loved the openness the bar allowed us, I missed the quiet atmosphere of our home, the privacy of our house where I could put the dirty thoughts I was having to reality.

A minute later I had an idea. "Edward?"

"Mmm?"

I leaned closer, resisting the urge to suckle his bottom lip, and whispered instead. "Take me home."

Within seconds, he had turned, my hand in his, dragging me off the dance floor toward our corner table. I giggled, fucking giggled, at his sudden sense of urgency. With his fast pace, the tails of his shirt flew behind him, completely exposing his torso to those around us. Many eyes wandered over his form.

_That's right, boys, look all you want, but he's all mine._

Their obvious yearning for him only made my cock harder, and instinctively my eyes traveled to his well shaped ass.

_Fuck, it was nice_.

Jesus, what had gotten into me? I had taken off my shirt, kissed Edward in public, didn't care if anyone saw my hard on, and outwardly ogled him.

I loved this bar.

As we neared our dark corner, Edward's grip loosened on my hand and I moved swiftly, my resistance had not only wavered, but had completely caved. Catching him by surprise, I pushed him, rather forcefully, against the cloth covered wall by our table. With a grunt, his chest pressed against the wall, my full body weight against his back, keeping him there.

"Jasp-" But before he could finish, my hands had yanked his collar down his back, so that his shirt slid down his shoulders, held on only by his bent arms. As I dragged my tongue along his sculpted shoulder blades, each individual muscle quivering under my tongue, I felt a shudder pass through his entire body. Encouraged by his reaction, or at least his body's reaction, I glided my hands under the white cotton, around to his stomach until they found his cock confined in his jeans. Letting my palm stroke him through the material, I pushed my hips into his ass, making sure he knew he affected me as well.

Using my height advantage, I tilted my head to his ear, my voice heavy with lust. "I want you to leave your shirt open for the ride home."

He moaned. Loudly.

"Is that a yes?" I asked, thrusting into his ass, and felt him push back.

He nodded.

Releasing him, I stepped back, pulling my tee shirt from my back pocket. As I went to pull it over my head, Edward stopped me.

"Uh huh. If I have to, so do you…although you can leave the tie on."

Pouting, I let my arms fall. "But it's cold out."

"That's what your jacket is for," he smirked. "Speaking of, you still have your claim ticket?" I pulled it from my pocket, handing it to him. Once again, my hand was in his and his expertly guided us through the crowd. This time, the groping of my ass by the patrons was not a surprise, I was even a bit flattered they felt I was grope-worthy.

Blondie suddenly stepped in front of Edward, blocking his path. "You guys leaving so soon?"

Soon? We had been there for hours. "Yeah," Edward answered, his voice holding no sense of the imperativeness I know he felt.

That _we_ felt.

"Aw, that's too bad, I was hoping to dance with your boyfriend some more," Blondie frowned even as his eyes glanced over my naked chest. "He's hot."

My mind was stuck on the word_ boyfriend_, I hadn't even heard the compliment. Apparently Edward had because he smiled proudly.

"Yes, he is. Now if you'll excuse us, I'm going to take him home where I can do naughty things to him."

_Boyfriend._

_Naughty._

My mind began to spin again, and I vaguely remembered smiling at my blond friend as I passed by him, shrugging my shoulders apologetically.

Finally at the coat check counter, the overly friendly worker took the ticket from Edward, smirking as his eyes run up and down Edward's torso before disappearing into a small room.

It was my turn to smile proudly.

"Here you go, Sexy," he winked, handing Edward my leather jacket. As we headed to the door, door check boy leaned over the counter and called out. "Remember safe sex!"

Blushing, I looked at Edward, who rolled his eyes. He stopped at the door, and handed me my coat. "No shirt, just this," he ordered.

Sliding my arms through the cold silk lined sleeves, I joked."Can I at least zip it?"

"No."

Dropping my fingers from my zipper, I shrugged and followed him out the door to the car, shirtless in a leather jacket and black tie.

We did more than hold hands on the ride home.

"**~~**"

Parked in our driveway, Edward and I fucking made out like teenagers in the car for about thirty minutes before either of us even considered getting out. It was as if neither of us wanted the magic of the night to end. As soon as we stepped outside the car, we were back to our everyday lives, the freedom we had felt in the club would be a distant memory. Touches, words and looks would once again have to be guarded, hesitated, and thought about, before being put into action. Condensation had gathered on the windows, and anyone walking by would assume it was a couple saying good night after their date.

They were right.

When he finally, grudgingly, pulled away from my lips, his thumbs remained on them, as if he was committing their taste, or feel, to memory.

"We should go inside," he quietly suggested.

Heavily, I sighed. "Yeah, but I don't want to." I kissed his thumbs. "Thank you for taking me tonight. I had fun."

"You're welcome." He grinned, remembering the great night we had had, then, he turned serious again."Would you go with me again sometime?"

"You don't even need to ask." Sadly, I turned from him and opened the car door, the cold air hitting my bare skin, still covered in goose bumps from Edward's ministrations the entire ride home. How he had concentrated on driving while fondling my nipples was beyond me. It had definitely been easier for me to stroke him through his jeans, and suck on the tasty flesh of his neck.

The fact that we had made it home alive was a tribute to Edward's driving skills.

Together we entered the silent house. Assuming Bella was home and sleeping, we quietly tip toed up the stairs to our rooms. In front of his door way, I leaned in and placed one last kiss on his scruff covered cheek. "Thanks again," I mumbled before turning for my door.

As I opened my door, I realized I still had Edward's tie on, and made a mental note to give it to him tomorrow before Bella saw it in my room. I had barely made it inside my door when it slammed closed as I was shoved up against it.

"Wha-" I started to yell, but a hand clamped over my mouth.

"Bella's sleeping," his smooth voice instantly set my mind at ease, but made my heart beat even faster. His body was pressed against mine, holding me to the door. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness of my room, I realized he had taken his shirt completely off. My mind whirled as I felt the flat planes of his chest flush with my own. I inhaled deeply; his scent, musky from dancing all night, filled my lungs, and went straight to my cock.

"Ed…Edward?" I stuttered out nervously. Without answering me, he put his palms on my shoulders under my jacket, guiding it down my arms, letting it fall to the floor. I swallowed hard, my eyes watching his tongue lick his lips as he fingered his silk tie around my neck. Wedging his legs between mine, he slithered a hand between us and cupped my cock. When he gave me a hard squeeze, I thought I was going to cum right then, and my head slammed back against my door in effort to hold off.

"Shit," I mumbled, reaching up to rub the back of my head, the pain only momentarily distracting me from the pleasure of his hand firmly stroking me. "Fuck…." I leaned forward to kiss him, but he avoided my lips. Frustrated, I groaned.

What the fuck did he want?

Finally he spoke. "Do you think Blondie could make you feel like this?" He emphasized his question by bending down and taking one of my nipples in his mouth, his rough tongue teasing it.

I think I actually began to purr.

"Answer me," he demanded.

_What was the question again?_

Shaking my head, the words tumbled from my mouth sporadically. "No…no…no one… but you."

"That's right." Satisfied with my answer, he smiled against my skin, and began moving his lips up my collarbone, throat, and jaw until finally they were where I wanted them.

On mine.

Had it only been a few minutes since I last felt his mouth? I moaned into the kiss, deepening it before he could move away, sucking his tongue into my mouth, capturing it with mine. Finally, I went to move my hands from my sides, but found his fingers gripping my wrists, holding them at my side briefly before sliding them up until my arms were above my head.

"Leave them there," he said in a fucking sexy voice.

_Whatever you say_.

"Remember I said my tie might have another use." It wasn't a question he expected answered, he knew I remembered every second of the night.

Gulping, I wanted to ask him what, but my voice refused to cooperate. This new of side of my Edward had stunned me speechless.

And fucking turned on.

Thrusting my hard cock into his hip, I let him know I wanted to find another use for his tie too. Chuckling, he pushed back, holding my wrists with one hand, he ran his other down my arm, over my chest, to the button of my jeans, expertly popping it free. There is no doubt to either of us that I could have easily gotten out of his grasp.

Of which, I had no intention.

How the sound of my zipper being lowered made me even harder, I have no idea, but it did. My cock ached, throbbed, for what it hoped would come next. Wanting nothing more than his hand on me, I was willing to resort to begging.

"Please…."

He could only nod in reply as he dragged his tongue down the column of my throat, over a nipple, and continued down to my navel. "Keep them there," he instructed when he let go of my hands.

Then his freed hands were on my jeans, opening the flap before tugging me toward him, away from the door so he could shimmy them, along with my boxers, down over my hips and ass. I gasped as the cool air breezed over my raging erection as it finally sprung free. His mouth never leaving my body the entire time, he continued his tantalizing exploration of my abdomen.

Gently this time, I rested my head against my door and closed my eyes, letting my sense of touch take over, reveling in every small brush of his fingers and mouth against me. My arms remained above my head, my hands clasped together in hopes of resisting the urge to delve them into his silky hair.

Somehow, I knew I would fail.

Ghostly touches traveled along the backs of my thighs to my ass, massaging and kneading. Internally, I was screaming for him to touch me, to slide those talented hands around my hips and to fucking touch me, stroke me, pump me.

Just when I thought I was going to burst from frustration, I felt his weight shift as he apparently lowered himself to his knees.

Edward was on his knees before me.

_Oh fuck yes._

"Jasper, look at me," he said, leaving no room for arguing. Even though I was already overwhelmed, I chanced looking at him, and just about came from the heated vision of him before me staring up at me through his dark lashes. "You look so fucking beautiful like this."

_I _looked beautiful? He couldn't see himself as I saw him-bare-chested, on his knees, the muscles of his shoulders flexing, his brilliant hair disheveled, his cheeks flushed from our night of dancing.

He was the beautiful one…not me.

Nuzzling his nose along my shaft, I heard him moan as he inhaled my scent deeply. He dragged his tongue along one side of my cock before stopping at the head, where he suddenly took me into his mouth, embracing my cock in the moist warm heaven.

"Ugh," I groaned as the pleasure washed over me, I used the door for support as my knees weakened, and I felt Edward's hands grip my ass tighter, steadying me as he continued his skillful oral assault. "Feels so fucking…good… Edward...no one…ever…only you," I panted while I still retained the ability to speak.

The vibration from his moan around me did nothing for my resistance, nor did the realization that his hips were also thrusting at the same rhythm as his bobbing head. My desire to stroke him, to bring him the same euphoria he was giving me, was only second to not wanting his mouth to leave me…ever.

Edward's hand might be talented, but they had nothing on his mouth.

Or his lips.

His perfectly shaped and fucking soft lips were encased around my cock, savoring each stroke, each ridge. Immediately, my hands dropped to his head, my fingers weaving into his hair, fisting it as he continued to slowly move back and forth.

Embarrassingly, I knew I wouldn't last long. Not only because of all our hours of teasing and grinding at the club, but because_ Edward_ was giving me head.

Insatiably.

I tried to concentrate on holding off, on ignoring the sensation of his mouth on me, but it was no use. Before I knew it, my hips were pumping into him as he hollowed out his cheeks, sucking me in deeper until I was tapping the back of his throat with every thrust.

The feeling that had been steadily building in me, the tingling, burning sensation that had sat low in my abdomen and loins all night quickly grew and spread throughout my body, intensifying as he began sucking harder, increasing the hot pressure of his tongue and lips and even grazing his teeth lightly up my entire length. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore stimulation, I felt his one of hands cup my balls, tugging and twisting them in the palm of his hand while he rubbed his middle finger over the sensitive skin behind them.

Edward had swallowed before, but our circumstances had been different. Would he do it here, where the mess didn't matter? Unsure what to do, I began to tug on his hair to warn him I was close, for I was at a complete loss for words and my caveman grunts and groans were hardly translatable.

"Cu..cum..cumming," I let out in one long moan of warning, clenching my eyes closed. Instead of releasing me, he sucked harder, pulling my head to the back of his throat, swallowing around me. When I felt his finger caress my entrance, my cock spasmed, and the most powerful orgasm I ever had experienced ripped through my body, my hips bucking wildly as I spilled thick and hot down his throat. For what seemed like forever, my cock pulsed into his mouth, until with one final lap of his tongue, he released me.

As I collapsed back against the door, breathless, I realized if it hadn't been for his hands holding me up, I certainly would have slid to the floor. My fingers let go of their tight grip on his hair, but continued to gently caress his scalp as my orgasm began to fade from hurricane force to tropical storm. I felt it would be hours before my body would stop trembling from the waves of ecstasy that continued to ebb through every fiber.

"Jasper?" his voice was low and soft, and level with me, and I realized he must have stood back up. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't reply. Apparently the lower part of my body had stolen my ability to speak. "Are you okay?" he asked, his tone somewhere between concerned and amused.

Willing myself to calm my racing heart, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Jesus...."

"Well…" he trailed off, chuckling. "No, but thank you for the comparison." With what strength I had left, I opened my eyes, and found his green eyes smoldering and locked on mine as he watched me.

"Hey, baby," I smiled, hanging my arms limply on his shoulders.

With a satisfied grin, he murmured, "Hey," before tilting his head and kissing me hesitantly. I would have none of that, and insistently deepened the kiss, most definitely tasting traces of myself on him. He moaned, his hips instinctively thrust into me, the abrasive feeling of his jeans against my over sensitive skin stirred my cock. Feeling me twitch against him, he pulled back and raised an eyebrow.

"Really Jasper?"

I could only smile. "It's your own fault. You're too damn good." With that mischievous glint in his eye again, he stepped back from me, sliding the tie from around my neck.

"So, are you ready to find a better use for this?"He challenged, walking backward toward my bed, the tie dangling from his fingertips.

My cock more than stirred at the sight of him half naked near my bed. "I think I can come up with a few ideas," I replied, my mind whirling with ideas.

"Yeah?"

I heard him gasp when I stepped out of my pants and boxes completely. Leaving them in a pile on the floor, I pushed off the door, my strength returning with each step I took toward him. "Definitely," I assured him with a smirk. Reaching him, I paused, surveying my options.

I silently thanked Esme for buying me a four poster bed, it was about to come in handy.

"Although, you have far too many clothes on," I frowned, dragging a finger down his chest, letting it come to rest on his belt.

"That's a problem that can be easily solved," he suggested.

As well fell onto the bed together, my naked limbs tangled with his dressed ones, my world felt complete. I realized the magic of the club, that feeling of freedom, hadn't left us after all. Sure, we had to still be conscious of our actions in front of others, but when we were alone together, we were still Edward and Jasper.

Still, there was a small part of me that was anxious. Anxious about the future, and what it would hold.

As I lay on top of him, his head pressed into the mattress while I kissed his jaw line, I had never felt more…complete.

The Black Eyed Peas had been right, it had been a good night…a fucking good night.

"Edward, will it always be like this?" I asked hopefully.

"Always, Jasper," he whispered before pulling my lips to his, once again claiming me as his, and his alone.

"**~~**"

"Hurry up, Jasper," Bella called to me from my room. In my bathroom, dressed only in jeans, I ran my fingers through my wet hair before putting a blade to my morning scruff. We were all meeting Emmett and Rosalie for lunch before heading out to catch a movie, everyone in the need for a break from studying. I was running late after having slept through my alarm, my body aching from all my activities of the night before.

"One more sec," I yelled back, dragging the razor up my throat before tapping against the sink and repeating the process. From the bathroom I could see her sitting on the edge of my bed, resting back on her palms, her feet not touching the floor.

"So what did you two do last night while I was out?" she asked.

The sting of the nick wasn't going to last nearly as long as my blush at the memory of the previous night of pure rapture. I stammered for an appropriate answer. "Oh, ah, nothing… just stayed in. Studied."

"Get anything accomplished or did you guys end up playing Halo 3?"

_Accomplished? _

You could say that.

I couldn't contain the smile that spread across my face, which sucked while I was trying to shave. "Well, we might have gotten a bit distracted once…or twice."

"Well, I guess that's okay. You guys have been working hard," she approved.

_Damn right we were_.

Finally done with shaving, I splashed water on my face, dried off with a towel and quickly checked over my appearance in the mirror before heading into my room. "What should I wear?" I asked heading for my dresser.

What was with me and my fashion choices lately?

Opening a drawer, I rummaged through my choices, or lack thereof, until I found a gray polo shirt.

"How about something to match this?" Bella asked. Pulling my shirt on over my head, I turned to see her standing at the end of my bed, holding the end of the black tie in one hand while the other remained secured to the wooden post.

The blood rushed to my head, and I felt slightly dizzy as I searched my brain for a response.

"A bit distracted?" she repeated back to me with arched brow and knowing look on her face. What exactly does one say in situations like that?

"Hey, you guys ready yet?" my savior asked, walking through our adjoining door. He must have seen my panicked look first, because his eyes widened with fear as they slowly traveled to Bella. When he saw the tie in her hand, the flush to his cheeks was undeniable.

"Oh shit," was his only reply.

_Brilliant, Einstein_.

"**~~**"

As always, thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed the boys' night out! They deserved it.

Before I get asked, let me say that** Bella does NOT find out about Jasper and Edward**. Edward, being the quick thinker he is, came up with a reply that satisfied her curiosity (although if you ask me, she was just a wee bit hopeful for a different answer, one she might be allowed to witness!).

Don't forget to vote in the Slash Backslash contest starting December 7th. All entries can be found here: http:// www . fanfiction . net/u/2110516/Slash_Backslash

Dannie and I have entered with Mergers and Acquisitions http :// www . fanfiction . net/s/5485296/1/Mergers_Acquistions

Seriously tight hugs to Bellacellaluna for nominating _Safe and Sound_ for a Bellie. I'm at loss for words, thank you, baby.


	6. A Better Part of Me

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-While this is S&S J/E, they are only **possible** moments from the story, and do not in any way affect the storyline, or outcome, of Safe and Sound.

Jasper gets brave here, decides to do a little carpe diem'ing. I cook about as well as Jasper-but I will give him lessons in it anytime. *whispers* Japser…call me!

This baby is unbeta'd, the many errors are all mine…

Huge thanks to **C Me Smile**-for her continued support, and all-round greatness.

Much love to **Dannie** for her love, encouragement, and laughs…and who won't ever let this story end.

To those that have read, thank you! I appreciate it very much.

"****~~**"**

A Better Part of Me

Location: Seattle, WA (Impulsive)

"****~~**"**  
You are oxygen

You are everything that's good about the universe

You're the galaxy

A better part of me

And there is nothing that's is Bigger than the two us~Jann Arden

"****~~**"**

There was very little that could wake me from a sound sleep. In fact, there were only three things that I could think of: the need to take a piss, the smell of bacon, and the fact that I wasn't alone in bed.

We had fallen asleep in each other's arms, but when I drowsily opened my eyes, blinking at the harsh light of the morning peeking through my curtains, I found myself separated from his warm body. Next to me, he lay sleeping soundly on his stomach, his head turned toward me, his lips open in a pout, dark eyelashes fanned out across his sun-kissed skin, his hair mused from our…activities the night before. Thick muscles relaxed under his smooth skin, his back rose and fell with each sleepy breath. I woke up on my side facing him, the disappointment of us not spooning quickly faded when I realized we were holding hands. Apparently, even in our sleep, we had reached for each other, for the connection and bond we both held on to so dearly. Resisting the urge to reach out and touch him more, I continued to stare at his regal features, amazed at how easily he took my breath away.

It was the second consecutive morning waking up in our bed together, and I fucking loved it.

Okay, so it wasn't technically_ our_ bed. I supposed spending only two consecutive nights in it together didn't qualify it for the title of 'our bed' yet.

But when he was in it, it definitely felt like _our_ bed.

Bella had left early Friday night to spend the weekend at Jake's in La Push. When she had come home from class that afternoon and told Edward and me that Jake was coming by to pick her up for the weekend, I bit my tongue so hard it bled, the taste of bitter iron in my mouth did little to distract me from the fury I felt inside. The desperation I felt in wanting to stop her from going, the urge to tell her what I thought about her and Jake had sat on the precipice of my vocals, just waiting for my brain to fuck up and let it out. It was painful enough when he came to visit, but for some reason the idea of her going to his place to spend the weekend had disturbed me even more. Since they had started dating, Bella and I had grown distant; our conversations limited to only ones that included Edward and avoided the topic of her _boyfriend_. Edward, as always, was the peacekeeper between us, trying to appease us both. I gave him credit for trying, but nothing he said was going to make me accept Jake.

After she had left, Edward and I played on the piano and watched a few movies. Edward had said no words to try to cheer me up; instead his comfort came in the form of gentle touches. He had sat next to me on the piano bench, and rested his head on my shoulder as I played, watching my hands effortlessly pass along the keys, his happy sigh told me how proud he was of my accomplishment. While we watched a movie, I had lain with my head in his lap, his fingers constantly twirling my curls. At about midnight, when the second movie had ended, I yawned and said I was heading up to bed.

I had left my door open and climbed into bed…naked.

I hadn't been surprised when a few minutes later I heard my door squeak behind me and his bare feet pad across my hardwood floor. Clothes rustled as he stripped naked and I felt the mattress dip under his weight as he slid under my blankets. Edward was predictable, as was I, because as soon as he pressed his bare chest against my back, my cock immediately sprang to life. After draping an arm over my waist and pulling me tightly to his chest, he nudged a leg between mine. Once situated, he let out a contented sigh. Feeling his warm breath on my neck through my hair only stoked a flame in my body that seemed to burn brighter when he was near.

When his lips kissed my shoulder, I couldn't control the shiver that traveled through my body from head to toes.

"You awake?" he asked against my back, already knowing the answer. Nodding, I closed my eyes, reveling in the security of having him behind me, holding me. We hadn't spent the night in bed together since the night we had gone to the gay bar a week prior. We both had only two more tests left, and would spend most of the weekend studying, but he was mine, and I was his, until the light of day.

"You were awful quiet tonight. You okay?" As his words sank in, I wondered how he always knew. We had spent the entire night together downstairs, but he had waited until we were surrounded by the darkness to ask the question that had been on his mind. Knowing it was only here, in my room, in _his arms_ that I would tell him the truth.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

His sigh to my answer was confirmation that he didn't believe me. "You're worried about her?" he correctly assumed.

Shifting my body, I turned and he lifted his arm so I could maneuver to face him. It was my turn to nudge my leg between his.

God, he was fucking warm.

Wrapping my arm around his waist, I left some space between us so I could see his face. Even in the blackness of my room, his eyes sparkled with their mischievous Edward-glint as they glanced over my face while his fingers pushed my hair from my face.

"Yeah, I am. I don't like him, Edward. Just something about him." He nodded, agreeing. Jake was most certainly not Edward's favorite person, but he tolerated him a fuck of a lot better than I did. "The way he looks at her…like she's prey or something."

Chuckling, Edward brushed his lips along mine, my cock twitched between us. "You mean like how I look at you?"

Or how _I_ looked at _him_. There was nothing that made me feel more wanted than being on the receiving end of one of Edward's hungry stares.

"What's the difference, Jasper?"

"The difference… is it's…_Jake_. I …don't trust…him." I tried to focus on my answer as his lips moved to my jaw, but my words came out broken. Edward's focus, however, remained on his task, and his hand reached between us, his fingers brushing the head of my cock. "Mmmm…Edward," I moaned embarrassingly.

"Yes?" he whispered as the palm of his hand traveled down my shaft to my balls.

"Fuck," I gasped, lifting my leg as much as I could to grant him access.

"Jasper?" I tried to reply, but my mind couldn't think, all I could do was feel his finger between my legs, stroking the sensitive skin there. When his finger stilled, my mind worked quickly to answer him.

"Y…Yeah?" it was more of a hoarse groan, but effective, as his finger resumed.

"Let me touch you," he said quietly as his pushed me onto my back and his mouth made its way down my chest, and continued south.

_Fucking yes, touch me. _

By the glow of the moon, under the dark sky of lust, he pleased me…bringing me to heights only his hands and mouth could help me to reach.

As I had predicted, we had spent the better part of Saturday studying… independently. Bella had sent Edward a text message, letting him know she had arrived in La Push safe and sound, a message which he had relayed to me over lunch in the kitchen. Grumbling thanks, I looked up from my chicken Caesar salad he had made me to find him shaking his head.

"What?" I mumbled with a full mouth.

"It's been five months, when are you going to ease up on him?" he asked, getting off his stool.

"Never." Simple question, simple answer.

Edward put his dish in the sink and cleaned off the counter before speaking again. "You know, if you talked to her, you might see that she's…" he hesitated.

_Don't say it. _

"Happy."

_Fuck, he said it. _

Rolling my eyes, I pushed my food away, suddenly unable to stomach eating anymore.

That night, Edward treated us to pizza, calling in an order to be delivered while we both finished up work for Monday. He was working on a paper, while I went over the finer points of Boyle's Law. Once the pizza had arrived, I met him downstairs and he turned on ESPN while we ate. After dinner, we both returned to our rooms.

It was late when I heard the soft knock on our door. "Yeah?" Edward slowly pushed it open to reveal himself standing there, dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his hips.

The only thing we studied the rest of the night was each other.

The morning glow had spread across our bed as a smile graced his face in his sleep, and I returned it, even if he couldn't see me. He was the most generous soul I had ever known. No one gave as much of themselves as Edward did. Not only did he keep his focus on his education and future career, but he always put Bella and me before himself. Our needs, not his, were his first priority. It saddened me to think I hadn't given him nearly what he had blessed me with. Not only did he trust me with his body, his most intimate moments were mine, but he had given me his generosity, friendship, loyalty and….

Was there more behind our bond than just the obvious? It was too early in the day to think so philosophical, my mind needed caffeine, and lots of it, before I could even begin to process such deep thoughts.

I knew I wanted to do something for him, something to show my appreciation for all he's done, a thank you of sorts. Debating my options, I continued to watch him, as I could for endless hours. My growling stomach gave me an idea, and I giggled to myself. With a quick kiss to his cheek, I got out of our bed, my body stiff in the most delicious way from having spent a second full night entwined with Edward. Tossing on my cotton pajama pants, I headed to my bathroom before stumbling downstairs to the kitchen.

How hard could it really be to cook breakfast? It's just breakfast food, not like I was auditioning for Iron Chef. After watching Edward do it hundred times, something must have sunk in by osmosis. Yet, I stood there, in front of the open refrigerator, clueless as to what to pull out. Perhaps I should have researched it on Google before I had come downstairs. Briefly, I considered running back upstairs for my laptop, but time was of the essence. Edward did not sleep in, no matter how late I had kept him up the night before, he would be awake, and wanting food, soon.

I decided to wing it. As I have said, I was a gambling man.

Coffee. That was a safe place to start. Bella had taught me how to make my own coffee months ago, and it was the one appliance I felt comfortable around.

The toaster, on the other hand, still scared the shit out of me.

I wasn't sure of the other appliances in the kitchen, but I thought I had heard Edward mention something about a blender once.

I started the coffee, and grinned with satisfaction when I heard it begin to brew and the house was still standing.

Eggs or pancakes? After last night, Edward needed protein replacement, so eggs it was. Now…where were the pans… or was it pots? Squatting, I searched through the drawer under the oven and found what appeared to be a frying pan.

So far, so good.

I stood up, pan in hand, and stared at the circles on the stovetop, and tried to coordinate them with the matching circles on the back. Deciding to press my luck, I made an educated guess at which burner matched which knob and put the pan on top, after all, I was a smart guy right? I needed to be done quickly, so I turned the knob to high.

Luck was still with me when the circle began to glow under the pan. Getting excited at my progress, I went to the fridge again and grabbed eggs, orange juice and bacon.

Bacon.

How exactly did one cook bacon? Not cooking it wasn't an option- I wanted Edward to have the pleasure of waking up the delicious smell of cooking bacon, just as he had enticed me from bed on many weekend mornings. Checking the drawer again for another frying pan turned up nothing, so I grabbed the pot we used to cook spaghetti.

Pots and pans were all the same, they both cooked shit. Matching the circles up again, I put the pot on the glowing circle. Checking the time on the microwave, I knew he would be awake any minute, so I cracked three eggs against the pan and dropped them into it, being sure to pick out the small pieces of shells that had fallen. Immediately, the edges of the eggs began to brown. Thinking that was a good thing, I turned my attention the bacon, opening the package and dropping several slices into the pot, and briefly wondered if I needed to use water because I was cooking it in the spaghetti pot. Using a wooden spoon, I tried to flatten them along the bottom of the pot, but it wasn't quite big enough for the pieces, so they curl up the sides of the pot at the ends.

Worked for me.

Back to the eggs, I realized they might need to be flipped, or turned, or something, because the middle was just a gooey yellow mess while the edges were bubbling brown.

Damn, maybe I did need my laptop.

The bacon had begun to sizzle, the odor saturating the kitchen.

It wouldn't be long now.

I scanned the kitchen for a spatula to flip the eggs and leaned over the bacon pot and grabbed it from a jar on the counter.

"SHIT!" I yelped, dropping the spatula into the bacon pot, as the grease splattered onto my bare chest. "SHIT, that fucking hurt," I continued to mumble to myself as I rubbed my hand across my chest to sooth it. "God damn, this is fucking breakfast, it shouldn't be this fucking hard," I growled, tempted to kick the damn stove like a four year old.

Edward would be up at any moment, my eggs were burning on the bottom and raw on the top, and I hadn't dared check the bacon for fear of more pain.

I hadn't even started the hard part yet…the toast.

Frustrated, I sighed heavily, wondering if we had enough food to try again. As I turned to go upstairs and retrieve my laptop, I saw him in the door way, leaning against the jam, dressed much as I was, plaid flannel bottoms only, sitting low on his hips, and I knew if he turned around, I would be able to see the shadow of the curve of his ass. The sight of him, still sleepy-eyed, hair sticking every which way, with his arms crossed over his chest made my heart ache.

"You okay?" he asked, concern, and a hint of amusement, laced his voice.

"Yeah, just fucking burnt myself," I grumbled, palming my sore nipple. I turned from him, embarrassed he had to witness the mess in the kitchen I had made. Unused food and egg shells littered the countertop, pots and pans I had pulled out from the drawer were scattered on the floor, and the fridge was partly open.

I hung my head in shame of my failure, letting my waves fall over my eyes, covering them. I couldn't even fucking make a simple breakfast for my man. Pissed at myself, I grabbed the handle of the frying pan and removed it from the burner; the eggs having already solidified into one black mess. When I moved the pot of bacon, I was sure to lean away from the spattering grease.

"I'm fucking pathetic," I mumbled under my breath as I turned the burners off.

At least it was safe for him to enter the kitchen now.

"Why do you say that?" He asked, coming up behind me, wrapping my arms around my waist, he placed a kiss on my shoulder. I went to pull away from his hold, I didn't deserve his affections, but he held me firm.

"Because you shouldn't have to risk your fucking life just to walk into the kitchen when I'm in here. And…" I paused, taking a deep breath. "And I should be able to cook you breakfast. I just wanted to say thanks for a great weekend by cooking breakfast for you. One simple act, and I can't fucking even do that…like I said…pathetic. Let me go, Edward, I need to clean this shit up." I sighed, my hands going to his with the intention of forcing him to release me, instead they defiantly twisted with his as I leaned my body back against him, letting him, once again, support me.

His mouth was at my ear, not kissing it, or licking it, but just letting his breath float over my skin. "Love, you are so fucking far from pathetic. This is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. Cooking isn't easy, Jasper, it took me years to learn how to cook. Your mom taught you how to dance, mine taught me to cook."

I squirmed out of his hold, his explanation coming across as pity to me. "Yeah, well dancing isn't exactly a handy skill to have, is it? Not like it will keep you fed." I tapped the bacon pot to test how hot it was before reaching in and pulling out a piece of half cooked bacon, the ends completely raw while the middle was blackened, some of it sticking to the bottom of the pot. Probably permanently. Sighing, I just dropped it back in, leaving it.

"As I recall, your dancing was pretty handy last week," he replied a bit suggestively, grabbing the frying pan and carrying it over to the trash. He tipped it over, expecting the eggs to slide out, but they remained in the pan. "Jasper, did you grease the pan?"

I looked up from my position the floor, placing the pots and pans back into the drawer."Grease? Like what, the bacon grease?"

His shoulder shook as he tried not to laugh. Grabbing the wooden spoon, he scraped the eggs into the trash. "What are the white things in here?" he asked curiously, inspecting them as he dragged the spoon across the pan.

Damn, I thought I had gotten them all out.

"Fucking shells," I murmured sheepishly.

"Oh. Well, they add texture," he offered, shrugging.

Closing the drawer, I stood up and put my hands on my hips, overwhelmed and not sure what to do next. Edward put the frying pan in the sink, and then turning to me, he placed his hands on the counter and used it for leverage to lift himself up to sit on it. As frustrated as I was, I still couldn't help but notice the muscles of his abdomen as he leaned back against the cupboard. Without Alice's anti-sun influences, Edward had actually seen and absorbed some of the sun's rays; his normally pale skin had begun to take on a tan that highlighted his muscular form. He seemed to read my mind, and blushed a bit, turning his head to the side_, _he noticed my bacon pot.

"Why is there bacon in a _pot_?" he asked, his brows knitting as he inspected the pot, and the fucked up bacon in it, more closely.

"I couldn't find another frying pan."

"Did you check the dishwasher?" he suggested nonchalantly, leaning back against the white cupboards.

"The what?" I glanced over at him; certain he could see the surprised look on my face. "We have a dishwasher?" Tilting my head, I surveyed the kitchen for new appliances. "Since when?"

We were facing each other, my anxiety contrast to his ever present calm. Nothing riled him, nothing made him lose control. Even waking up on a lazy Sunday morning to the Tasmanian Devil in his kitchen, risking both their life and limbs for some protein wasn't enough to bother him.

"God, Jasper, I lo-" he stopped suddenly, like someone had kicked him in the shins under the table. Immediately, my eyes went to his, questioning him, not his words, or the meaning behind them, but rather if he had meant to say it. Would he have finished if the invisible person hadn't kicked his shins?

I had always known it was there, there was a part of me that felt the same way. It was the foundation of our friendship, but neither of us had ever said it out loud.

My heart skipped a beat.

Then another.

With flushed cheeks as he realized what he had almost said, he pulled his gaze from mine, dropping his eyes to the floor, letting his shoulders slump forward, he whispered, "Jaspe-"

It was my turn, not the invisible person's, to stop him. I didn't kick his shins either; instead I stepped between his spread legs, and put my hand behind his neck and pulled his lips to mine. The mint from his toothpaste was still fresh on his breath as he parted his lips for my needy tongue. Caught off guard, he put his palms up to my chest to brace himself against the force of my weight pushing him against the cupboards. His fingers brushed over my nipple and I hissed, jumping back.

"What?" he asked breathlessly, and a bit worriedly.

"Just sore from the burn," I eased his mind, the concern that had flickered in his eyes quickly turned to a darker, lustier flame.

"Want me to look at it?" his voice still breathless, but no longer holding a trace of worry.

Well, he was studying to be a doctor, certainly would hurt to have an almost-doctor's opinion.

I had barely nodded and his soft lips were already on my nipple, his velvet tongue circling the flesh, encouraging it to pebble. My hands went to this hair, effectively fusing him to my body, as my head fell back while he lapped my sore nipple, soothing it with his magical tongue. With one last quick kiss, he released me and sat up.

"Better?" he smirked.

Holding a finger to my bottom lip, I returned his smirk. "I think some grease got me here too."

"Mmm…I might have to inspect that area more closely," he murmured, weaving his hand in my hair at the nape of my neck, guiding my lips to his. We continued to lavish each other there in the kitchen, hands wandering generously over bare skin, fingertips even daring to sneak under the elastic of pajama bottoms before ghosting back up over taunt muscles. He had moved to the edge of the counter, wrapping his legs tightly around my waist, allowing our growing erections to meet, the friction driving me to new heights. Grunting, I pulled away and laid my head on his shoulder, not even able to focus on the kiss anymore, I let my hips grind sensuous circles into his, my hands on his ass keeping him pressed tightly to me.

I wanted to feel him so fucking bad, feel his body flush with mine, to feel our cocks rubbing together seeking release. For a moment, I consider gripping his ass and carrying him upstairs, but I knew once he was completely in my arms, we wouldn't make it the bedroom, certain I would have had my way with him on stairs.

His fingers in my hair moved down my back, easily slipping under the lose pants I had on. Having dressed hurriedly earlier, I had forgone boxers. As his hand told his cock I was commando, he let out one long moan and began to nuzzle my cheek with his unshaven jaw, creating a raw feeling that went straight to my cock. Cupping my ass in both his hands, he bucked his hips into me.

I let him continue to rub his scruff along my neck, indulging in the sensation. "Fuck yes..." I murmured against his shoulder as I began to leave open mouth kisses along his collarbone. Edward was a good cook, and I had been fortunate enough to taste many of his meals, but nothing he had ever spent hours cooking even remotely compared to the taste of him on my tongue, masculine, salty, and even a bit cinnamon-like.

He was delicious, his taste something I had begun to crave, my mouth had even begun to water at the simple scent of him. Even when he wasn't physically in the bed with me, his essence was there, his smell that lingered on my sheets made me like Pavlov's dog and my mouth would long for his taste. Alice would have been proud of me.

Over the weekend, I had spent a long time discovering every inch of his body with my tongue.

Well, not quite every inch. There were several inches I had yet to sample.

Was I ready to put myself out, or rather, down there, to explore not only that part of him, but that part of myself? I wasn't sure what frightened me more, the actual act, or the intimacy behind it. To pleasure someone orally was as intimate as it fucking got…and was I ready for that with Edward.

While his hands continued to grope my ass, I worked my way to his nipple, taking it into my mouth. Arching his back, he offered himself to me.

He was always offering himself to me, and it was time I took his offer to the next level. Then I realized that blowing him wasn't any more intimate than the looks we shared in the library while studying, or the way he knew to make my grilled cheese with tomato, or the way we slept holding hands. Everything we did was intimate; this was just another way of expressing that intimacy.

Leaving his nipple, I continued bend over my hands sliding from his waist to his hips to grab his pants. "Lift," I instructed determinedly. Surprised, he did as I asked, using my shoulders for support, he lifted his hips and I slid his pants over his ass, down his thighs and let them fall the floor at my feet. The cold marble countertop sent chills through his body.

"Jasper?" he gasped, trying to push me away so he could see my face. I looked up at him openly and honestly, keeping my focus on his eyes, as his cock twitched between us. Realization of what I was about to do flashed through them, and he frowned.

"You don't have to, it's o-"

Instead of replying, I gripped his waist, kissed him hard and pulled him off the counter until he was standing before me. I began to lower myself again, letting my hands skim over the surface of his body, until I was finally on my knees before him, kissing the muscles of his stomach as they flexed under my tender wet touch. I had learned the areas of his body that responded to my touch with such impressiveness, they made my cock throb.

"Jasper," he gasped as he realized I wasn't stopping. "It's okay you do-"

My heavy sigh stopped him, and I looked up at him from my knees, my hands resting on the V of his hips. His voice might have been saying no, but his body, especially his cock, was saying _fuck yes_. Every muscle in his body was tense, his tongue constantly licked his lips in anticipation of my next move, his lids were heavy over desire-filled green and his nails, even though they were short, were digging into the flesh of my shoulders.

"Edward," I drawled, my accent thick in my lust. "Do you know how long I've wanted to be on my knees for you?" I whispered, kissing the head of his cock quickly, before looking back up at him through my lashes. I had remembered him looking up at me when he had been on his knees for me, and how fucking hot it was to see him in that position, wanting to do nothing but satisfy me.

Wanting him to experience that same vision, I shifted my weight to sit back on my heels, and pulled him to me, his cock was nestled in wiry bronze curls before my mouth. I had certainly seen Edward's cock before, but not quite that up close and…personal and I don't know if I could say Edward's cock was beautiful, as I didn't really have much to compare it to, but it was impressive in size, thick, and pink with urgency. I wanted to suck his cock, taste him in my mouth, and feel his skin on my tongue.

"Oh fuck, Jasper…you can't say shit like that. I won't last thirty seconds," he moaned, his hands cupping my face, tilting my head upward. "Seriously though…you don't have to."

"I know, but I_ want_ to. Please, Edward, let me do this for you?" I implored. I was on my knees, begging him to let me give him a blow job. Most guys would have fucking had their cocks in my mouth already, but not Edward.

Always putting everyone else's needs before his.

Figuring it was best to ease myself into it, start with something I was comfortable doing, I wrapped my fingers around his shaft firmly, giving him one stroke. I had brought Edward to climax a several times with my hand already, I knew just the way he liked it, the flick of my wrist the top, the sweeping of my palm over his head every few times. Two strokes later, and Edward's hips were already pumping into my fist, yearning for what they knew was coming.

Holding the base, I leaned forward a bit, and nudging the side of his cock with my nose, I dragged it up one side of his length and down the other, inhaling his concentrated scent as I went. I thought I loved the scent of him on my sheets, but fuck, that had nothing on the masculine scent filling my lungs as I repeated my path one more time, resisting the urge to bury my nose in his curls. Gaining confidence from the long moan Edward released, I decided it was time for the next step.

Sticking my tongue out, I let it swirl once around the head of his cock, tracing the ridge, proud of myself when his cock twitch at my slight touch.

That wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kind of nice.

After three revolutions around his head, I decided to man up and taste the pearly fluid that had gathered there. Placing the tip of my tongue in the slit, I forced some precum onto my tongue and swallowed, not surprised by the salty taste.

"Fu…ck, Jas…per…" I heard from above in gasps. Smiling to myself, I decided it was time to carpe diem…only I was seizing something else besides the day.

Although, I was pretty sure Emmett had had something else entirely in mind when he had given me his advice.

With my hand still holding him at the base, I took a deep breath, opened my mouth and put it around the head of his cock, closing my lips around him, impressed with the silkiness of his skin on my tongue. In this position, I glanced up at Edward and tried really fucking hard not to swell with pride. His chest was already heaving and his was biting his bottom lip so hard I thought it would bleed. Looking down at me with his heavy-lidded eyes and flushed cheeks, his hands moved from my shoulders to my hair, fisting it loosely between his fingers.

"Please…don't stop…." It was his turn to beg.

I had no intention of stopping.

That was pretty much all the encouragement I needed. Closing my eyes for concentration, I slid my lips tentatively down his length, keeping them loose enough to slide easily. Slowly, I move back up, using the flat of my tongue along the bottom, tracing each vein I came across. Empowered by my success, I tightened my lips, using my saliva left behind as lube, and began sliding him back into my mouth. Distracted the long groan and murmured 'fucking hell' from above, I got ambitious and went too far, his head striking the back of my throat.

Gagging, I quickly pulled him from my mouth and turned my head to the side, embarrassed. His hips had stilled, and he remained quiet, but his fingers in my hair loosened as he caressed my waves.

"Jas-" he began but stopped when he saw my determined glare. There was no fucking way I wasn't going through with it. Not only did I want to do it for him, but I wanted to do it for me, to prove I wasn't a fucking failure at everything I tried. It wasn't payment because he had done it to me, I just wanted to please my man, show him the beauty of the intense ecstasy he had allowed me to visit so many times.

Resolved, I turned my head back to him, and directed him into my mouth once again. Breathing through my nose, I let my tongue flick and lick its way along his satiny skin as my lips glided over him, as I set an even pace.

Vaguely, I noticed his hips had resumed their movements, small, gentle thrusts into my mouth. He probably wasn't even aware he was doing it. When his hands tightened in my hair, I glanced up, not once losing my pace, and saw him staring at me, licking his lips.

"You look so fucking hot…sucking my cock in that…fucking…sweet mouth…nice…pink lips…oh, fuck," he cried, punctuating it with a harder thrust. His words caught me off guard, a different side to Edward, one I had rarely seen. However, when my cock hardened even more at his dirty words, I knew I wanted to hear more. "Jesus, never thought it would feel this good…would have…done it…sooner…."

Then it hit me, his hesitation, his reluctance was, at least in part, due to nerves of his own.

This was Edward first time receiving a blow job.

Moaning around him at the thought of being his first, the vibrations shot through him and he groaned. "Oh…fffuck…more…let me fuck your mouth more, love...fucking please…not gonna last long." His words were broken, airy with his panting breath. Eager to hear him, I gripped him tightly and began pumping with him hand as I continued to slide my lips over him. When I would get to the tip, I let my tongue caress around it before sucking on it hard.

"SHIT!" he exclaimed, and with both of his hands on my head, began to force himself deeper into my mouth. "Let me fuck your sweet mouth… so hot…so tight…can't wait to fuck your ass…"

This was _definitely_ a side of Edward I had never seen, feral in his need…in his need for me. His loss of control, so rare, was fucking turning me on, and his words went straight to my cock tenting in my pants. Wanting nothing more than to reach down and stroke myself, I resisted and instead let my hand travel over his thigh, pausing to feel the tight muscles, before finding his sac, rolling his balls in my hand before I tugged on them.

"Ohhhh, God….please…Jasper...more…." he gasped, his head hanging forward against his chest as he continued to watch me with a fervor that exhilarated me, enticing me to take another bold step.

Did I dare?

Why the fuck not. I was seizing the moment, right? Might as well seize everything.

He whimpered when I released him from my mouth. Continuing to stroke him in a constant rhythm with my hand, I bent my head down to let my tongue outline the hot wrinkled skin of his balls before taking one in my mouth. Letting it sit on my tongue for a few seconds, I inhaled his musky scent deeply before I hollowed my cheeks and gave one long suck.

"HOLY FUCKING HELL…"

I assumed that was a good thing, and released that ball, only to take in the other. When he widened his stance to grant me more access, I glanced up at him.

Sheer perfection. I had seen Edward from many different angles, but I was beginning to think that seeing him from my knees was my going to be my favorite. Especially with his head lulled back, pebbled nipples, his abdomen muscles clenching sporadically, the lips I loved to nibble on so much between his teeth as a moan escaped from deep inside him.

Showing his other ball the same care, I gave it a long suck after tenderly licking it.

"Fuck…love…yeah…suck me hard…mmm…just like that….so…good…more…." he managed to get out, with hums and groans in between each word.

Thrilled at his excitement, I released him, taking his balls, damp with my spit, back into my hand and returned my attention to his cock, the head now glistening with more opalescent fluid. With confidence this time, I lapped the fluid up before taking him deep into my mouth and sealing my lips around him, immediately resuming my previous pace.

"Mmmm….yeah, love…just like that…so wet…tight….just want to fuck you so…much…suck me hard…deeper.…"

Relaxing as much as I could, I let him thrust into my mouth at will, my eyes watering as he hit the back of my throat and I resisted the urge to gag around him. "Fuck yeah…" He continued to buck, his hips losing a bit of their rhythm as they sped up. While tugging on his balls with one hand, I reached between his legs and fingered the soft smooth skin behind them, and he spread his legs wider for me, inviting me in. My middle finger slid into his entrance with little resistance, and attempted to match the cadence of my mouth. I was rewarded with a "fuck yes" when I hit his prostate repeatedly.

"Not much longer…feels so fucking good…mmm…wanna cum for you…so hard…please love…deeper, more…wanna cum…"

Being new to the carpe diem thing, I hadn't thought too much in advance, and the entire do I swallow or not had completely slipped my mind. I trusted Edward, he would give me a sign or signal or something telling me what I was supposed to do, right?

Did he want me to swallow? Did he expect me to? Was it some sort of badge of honor to say you swallowed, or did it not matter? Having been on the receiving end of both blow jobs and hand jobs, I had to admit that cumming in Edward's mouth beat cumming in his hand. But then again, it didn't matter where I came, as long as it was Edward doing it to me, it was pure bliss. As much as I wanted to repay him the favor, make his first blow job memorable, I began to wonder if I could do it.

I felt his balls tighten in my hand and knew he was getting close, his breaths were reckless and heavy. While the lust in his eyes was still clearly evident and overpowering, it was in the company of another emotion, one that resembled devotion, loyalty and even love.

It was that last emotion that made me determined to follow through to the very end. In my mouth, his entire cock pulsed and began to spasm as hips thrust wantonly, and in my hand I felt the rush as it began to spread through his entire body.

_Cum for me, baby_.

"Oh God… gonna cum…fucking…cumming…oh God…FUCK…." He groaned, followed by one long primal grunt.

Suddenly, he stilled, and his hands fisted my hair so tight that my scalp ached. When the first shot of warm thick salty fluid hit the back of my throat, my instincts kicked in and instead of my opening my throat to swallow, I closed it, forcing his cum back up, choking me. Pulling him out of my mouth quickly, I began to cough, gagging a bit with his cum still in my mouth. As Edward's orgasm ripped through his body, every muscle contacting as the waves of his ecstasy hit him over and over again, his cock continued to shoot hot milky fluid over my hand, my shoulder and even my cheek. Even in my disappointment of not finishing him as I should have, I couldn't help but watch his reaction to his climax, his body relishing what I had done for him.

While his hips still pumped weak thrusts into my tight fist, he's breathing began to slow, although it was still uneven. "Jesus, Jasper…fucking…hot little mouth…you…have…."

Perhaps that side of Edward was here to stay. I certainly wasn't going to complain. Finally, his movements stopped. Still on my knees before him, holding his softening cock in my cum-covered hand, I looked up at him. As his fingers massaged my scalp, he smiled down at me. "Sorry if I hurt you."

Shaking my head no, I released his cock, letting it fall against his balls, the last traces of his orgasm dripping from the end onto the floor. He was leaning back against the counter, taking deep breaths, his body trembling in the aftermath of his orgasm. Standing up, I made my way to the sink, and spit out Edward's cum before turning on the faucet to pour some water. After rinsing my mouth out, and washing my hand and shoulder off, I dried with a towel before finally turning to face him.

_Fucking beautiful_.

With his head lulled back and eyes closed, his palms rested on the counter supporting the weight of his long lean body. Wide shoulders and chiseled chest led down to a muscled abdomen dusted with reddish brown hair, and finally thick strong thighs and calves. His newly tanned skin was covered in a light sheen of glistening sweat, and his cock, now limp, hung exhausted from my ministrations.

Unable to resist the pull, I walked to stand in front him, but keep my eyes down, too embarrassed to look at him. His fingers went under my chin, forcing my eyes up to meet his. Without a word, he released me and leaned to his side to get the towel I had left on the counter. Bringing it up to my face, he wiped my cheek off with tender strokes I didn't deserve. Finishing, he tossed the towel on the counter, and cupped my face in his hands.

"Jasper that was…" he began, but paused. I knew he was trying to find the right words to describe my failed attempt without hurting my feelings. Once again, I had failed him, and he was trying to console me.

The overwhelming need to let him off the hook rushed through me. "It's okay. I know I wasn't very good…I'm…I'm sorry…" I choked out. I tried to look away, but his hand kept firm on my jaw, however my movement had been enough to shake some hair into my eyes, gratefully partially hiding them.

"Are you shitting me?" he asked, seemingly genuinely surprised at my words. Soft fingers brushed the waves from my eyes, tucking them behind my ear. "Jasper, it was…perfect."

_Perfect?_

Well, that wasn't what I was expecting. Edward and I had always promised to be honest with each other, no matter the subject matter. I had no reason to believe he would be lying now only to boost my self esteem. Edward wasn't like that.

"Perfect?" I asked unbelievingly.

With a crooked grin and sparkling eyes, he nodded. "Yes, most fucking perfect."

"But…how? I mean… I gagged…and I didn't…" I couldn't even bring myself to say the word.

"Swallow?"

Leave it to Edward.

"Yeah," I admitted quietly, ashamed.

"Jasper, swallowing does not make a blow perfect." He put one hand behind my neck, his other reached down for my hand and he flattened my palm on his chest, holding it there, his eyes on mine. I couldn't have escaped his hypnotic gaze even if I had wanted to. Reality was, I was lost in those green eyes as he continued. "It was perfect because it was _you_ that gave it to me." My face flushed under his loving touch. "It's not the technique, love, it's the person doing it because they want to please you. " He lips brushed mine in the lightest of kisses, but held a promise of more. Pressing my hand even tighter to his chest, he broke our kiss, and whispered in my ear. "Feel that? _You_ make heart race, not only what you do to me, but when you look at me, or speak to me. Swallowing my cum doesn't make it race, but you wanting to be on your knees for me sure as fuck did." With one nibble to my lobe, he moved to face me again. "Understand?"

Speechless at his sentimental words, I could only nod. "Good," he murmured before tracing my lips with his tongue, wanting to deepen the kiss. At first, I was hesitant; I had just had his cock in my mouth, residue of his orgasm still present, would he want to taste that? His insistency convinced me he was fine with it, and I parted my lips under his, welcoming his tongue. Passion and urgency took a backseat to affection and gratitude. He was thanking me for my act, even in all its imperfectness; he enjoyed it…because it was from me.

When my hands began to fist in his hair, a definite sign I was ready to turn the gratitude of his kiss back to the passion of mine, I pulled away, not wanting his moment to become mine, and my need to be with him in every way.

"Hmmmm," he moaned as I grudgingly pulled my lips from his. Relieved, and still slightly embarrassed, I smiled at him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Umm…was that your first…time?"

Deep scarlet covered his cheeks as he looked down and nodded. It was my turn to put my fingers under his chin and make him look at him.

"Thank you for letting it be me," I whispered, barely audible.

Leaning, he rested his forehead to mine and sighed. "It's always been you, Jasper."

_It's always been you, Edward._

"Baby," I smiled, glancing behind him at the bacon pot. "I think I need cooking lessons."

He chucked, partly at my comment, and partly relieved I hadn't balked at his honesty. "You sure as shit do, and I think I know just the person to teach you."

Leaning back, I slung my arms over his shoulders loosely, his hips starting to grind me and I could feel his cock hardening as it brushed against mine. "You think Bella is up for the challenge?" I teased.

Playfully, he pushed my shoulder. "I don't know if Bella is _up_ for the challenge, but I know I'm always up where you're concerned," he smirked at his own innuendo. "You know, Jasper," he began thoughtfully."I could tutor you in other ways…" he trailed off, hoping I would catch his hint.

Not only did I catch his hint, I jumped at the offer."They say it is best to learn by example, and I always thought I was more of a hands-on type of learner."

With his hands on my chest, he pushed me back enough for him to slide out from between the counter and my body. "Then I say we go upstairs, I think I have just the example to show you." I fucking loved the glint in his eyes, that sparkle that never failed to make _my_ heart race, and my head spin.

As we headed for the stairs, hand in hand, I looked over at him, his cheeks still red from his climax. Reaching the steps, I let him go in front me, my eyes appreciating the view as he took the steps by two.

An hour later, we lay face to face on our bed with a sheet pulled up to our waists, bodies completely sated and limbs entwined. Grinning like an idiot, I ran my hands through Edward's hair, pulling the tufts in different directions to watch them stand on their own.

"You have bed head," I giggled, giving him a Heat Miser look.

Rolling his eyes, he glanced over my own hair. "So you do," he countered, smoothing out my hair. "But I don't think my hair is messed up from sleeping, love" he smiled.

Wincing, I had to admit he was probably right."Yeah, sorry about that," I sighed, the memory of his lips on my cock and my hands constantly threading through his silky hair as his head had bobbed up and down. "It's just so…" I searched for the right word, letting pieces slip through my fingers, "perfect."

A deep laugh escaped him, "It's a mess, Jasper. I can't do anything with it."

Shrugging, I dragged my attention from his hair to his eyes. "Well it's perfect to me."

He kissed the tip of my nose. "And that's all that matters." Time ticked by and we lay there, just staring at each other, unspoken words passing in touches, looks and gentle kisses, we were warm and safe in each other's embrace. Would we always have that chemistry, that mysterious combination of something that allowed us to feel the all encompassing need for each other?

I wondered if Edward knew.

"Will you ever get tired of me?" I asked, curiously searching his eyes, but anxious for his answer.

"Never, my love," he replied, reassuring me of what I had already known all along. He knew when I need reaffirmation of our bond. Whether or not certain phrases or words were used, it was there, he knew, and deep down, I knew it too…I just wasn't sure to what extent.

Running a finger down his chest, loving how his muscles flinched under my touch, I kissed him, and moaned when his lips parted and his tongue sought mine. Just I went to reciprocate, I heard a strange growl.

Stopping, I mumbled into the kiss, "Edward, was that you?" My cock twitched at the thought of Edward growling.

His cheeks grew pink. "Umm, yeah. I'm hungry." We both started laughing, our romantic moment over for the time.

"Well, there might be some eggs left downstairs, we could start the cooking lessons?" I suggested, starting to pull out of his arms and warm presence.

Tightening his grip around me, his pulled me to him with his strong leg over my hip. "I have a better idea. One more hands-on lesson, then how about we go out to breakfast?"

Snuggling up to him, I reached down between and took his cock in my hand, circling the head it lightly with my thumb. "Mmm sounds good to me. But…"

"But what?" he encouraged, grasping my ass in his hands, kneading the flesh.

Tilting my head back so he could reach my neck with his mouth, I sighed. "No eggs for me please."

His shoulders shook as he smiled against my skin, my pliable flesh between his lips when mumbled. "How about bacon?"

"I'm thinking of another breakfast meat…" I began moving down his body. Rolling on his back, Edward spread his legs, letting me settle between them. Right before I was about to take his cock into my mouth, I look up at his beautiful face through my lashes, his eyes wide with impatience. With a smile on my lips and a blush on my cheeks, I asked, "So, baby, do you like seeing me like this for you?"

I knew his answer already, I just wanted him to say it.

"Fucking always, Jasper." He sighed, thrusting his hips up toward my waiting mouth.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading…and for anyone wondering, this outtake took place _before_ Jasper caught Bella in bed with Edward.

Everyone remember giving their first blow job? Ah…the good ole' days!


	7. I Touch Myself

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N- This was an unplanned outtake, thus its shorter length, but Dannie challenged me to write Jasper getting busy while Edward observed, and how could I refuse? So, a bit of fun for the boys before some upcoming angst.

My poor beta, C Me Smile, has been working her fingers to the bone at work, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise are my own.

Huge hugs and thanks to **Dannie** for the idea for this chapter, hope this works for you!

More author's notes at the end.

To those that have read, thank you! I appreciate it very much.

"****~~**"**

I Touch Myself

Location: Seattle, WA ()

"****~~**"**

I don't want anybody else  
When I think about you  
I touch myself  
I don't want anybody else  
You're the one who makes me happy honey  
You're the sun who makes me shine  
When you're around I'm always laughing  
I want to make you mine~The Divinyls

"****~~**"**

_Finally. _

I heard the door close with a satisfying click. Climbing out of my bed, I opened my door and listened for any sounds downstairs.

_Silence_.

Convinced I was completely alone, I closed my door and went back to my bed. It had been one fucking long day, and I was ready for some…relaxing. After peeling off my tee shirt, I lay on my bed and reached over and turned on my iHome, selecting a playlist that reminded me of a certain sexy bronze-haired boy. I chuckled to myself as George Michael started telling me he wanted my sex. After a few deep breaths, I let my mind wander to the events that had happened earlier in the day that had caused my four hour long erection. If it lasted much longer, I would have wound up in the emergency room.

As my hands slid up and down my bare torso, my fingers ghosted over my flesh, leaving goose bumps behind. My nipples pebbled before my fingers even neared them, caused purely by excitement, my body's anticipation of what was to come. It had been over a week since Edward and I had had the chance to be alone and my body was craving his touch with an incredible intensity, I had been ready to explode all fucking day.

Well, since I had seen him naked anyway.

_I had been sitting against my headboard on my bed with my laptop resting on my legs emailing my mother when I heard Edward's bedroom door open and close. My heart skipped a beat knowing he was just returning from a shower, and was more than likely wearing only a towel. Daring a glance, I realized our door was partially opened, and I was instantly hard at the thought of him scantily clad with only a door separating us. Putting my laptop aside, I got off my bed and quietly made my way toward our door. _

_On his floor lay a fluffy white towel. _

_Fuck._

_Edward stood with his back to me, completely naked. As he moved around his dresser, his muscles flexed under his recently tanned skin, the sun's rays had treated him well, darkening his skin to a beautiful golden glow and highlighting formally hidden shades of red in his hair. I let my eyes roam slowly over his shoulders, down his, sculpted from years of weight lifting, to his lean waist and finally over the exquisite curve of his ass. _

_One word popped into my head…fucking delicious. _

_Okay, two words._

_Perfectly round cheeks covered with pale unmarred skin made my mouth water and cock twitch. Once I was able to drag my eyes away from his ass, they continued down his thighs, lightly dusted with brown hair and finally to his firm calves. _

_Carved from flesh, bone and muscle instead of marble, Edward's body was truly a work of art-David couldn't hold a candle to my Edward. _

_And art needed to be appreciated. I considered watching him as my version of the art appreciation class the university offered._

_Suddenly, Edward bent over at his waist and picked up the towel from the floor, lifting it to his head. I swallowed hard when he started towel drying his hair, his body swaying back and forth with his movement. As if I wasn't fucking hard enough, when his hips twisted in my direction, I could see his cock, thick and limp, nestled in his wiry bronze curls, hanging heavy between his legs. _

_It wasn't right to spy on him, to admire him so openly without his knowledge, yet I couldn't tear my eyes from him. While my mind told me how wrong it was to stare, my cock was telling how very right it was. After a few quick passes with the towel over his head, he reached for his jeans on his bed and pulled them on, leaving them unbutton and unzipped_

_Fucking commando. _

_Although I knew it wasn't the first time he had gone commando, the night of our 'piano' lesson, he had been naked under his jeans. Unable to contain a groan and not wanting Edward to hear me, I took a step back, stumbling over my sneakers and falling on my ass._

"_Shit!" I hissed as I got back to my feet, rubbing my hip, and hastily got back onto my bed. As I placed my laptop over my throbbing erection, Edward poked his head in my room. Shirtless with jeans still undone, my eyes quickly dropped from his firm chest to his open jeans, every hair of his pleasure trail mocking me._

"_Everything okay, Jasper?"_

"_Yeah…ah…just dropped a book," I fumbled through my lie._

"_Pretty heavy book," he replied, his eyes scanning my bed and floor for the offending book that didn't exist. With a wink, he let me off the hook and returned to his room."Hey, Jazz, in a little while Bella's heading out with Rosalie and Emmett, and I'm hitting the lab for a few hours. "_

_There was a God._

"_Okay, thanks for letting me know." I replied, checking the time, the countdown had officially begun. Briefly, I considered taking a shower to relieve my stress, but I started almost every morning in the shower, one hand on my morning wood, the other against my tiled wall for balance as I imagined Edward in there with me, soapy and wet…and bending over to pick up the soap I had accidently dropped, giving me a perfect view of his assets. When I would come, my cries were muffled by the running water, my orgasm washed away by the hot water as I stood trembling with after effects, my mind still reeling from the images of Edward so vulnerable before me._

Our physical relationship had been progressing as we got more and more intimate in our touches and actions. There was no doubt in my mind, and heart, that eventually we would make it to that final step, which lead to one huge question.

Who would catch and who would pitch? During most of my showers, I loved envisioning Edward bent before me, his palms flat against the wall as his head hangs forward, moans escaping his perfect lips as my hands grip his hips and my erection rubs long the crevice of his ass.

So far, I had left it up to Edward to initiate a lot of the physical contact between us. Only recently, had I begun to feel comfortable to kiss him first when we were alone, or grope his ass when we passed in the hall, even with Bella only a few steps away.

Four fucking hours.

Four hours later they had finally left and I was alone at last. Recalling the morning's events, I closed my eyes and slowly undid the button of my jeans. As much as I wanted to rush, my body frantic to be touched, I wanted to take my time, to relish in the sensations of my hands on body. With my thumb and index finger, I lowered my zipper and then opened the flap of my jeans, cupping myself through the cotton of my boxer briefs.

His ass flexing as he bent over.

His hair catching the sunlight through his window.

His cock swaying as he turned his body toward his bed.

Suddenly, my eyes snapped open and I was off my bed, my pants open, making my way into Edward's room. Standing next to his bed, I bartered with the guilt of performing such an act in his room…on his bed.

Guilt- zero.

Need for climax-one.

Settling on his bed in the same position as I had been on mine, I continued where I had left off, only I allowed my hand to go under my boxers. The skin on skin contact immediately heightened my pleasure, and I decided I needed more. I removed my hand and lifted my hips, pulling my pants over my hips and down my legs.

Once freed, I lay back, closing my eyes once again, letting my senses take control. Here in his room, on his bed, I deeply inhaled his musky masculine and cinnamon scent as it embraced me. My hands floated over my naked body, concentrating on my nipples, abdomen, and thighs before finally reaching my hard cock. As I teased the head of my cock with the faintest touch, I swirled my thumb over it, gathering the leaking translucent fluid and spreading it up and down. With my legs spread wide on Edward's blue down comforter, I tickled my balls and briefly allowed my finger to stroke the soft skin behind them. Instinctively my hips bucked up off the bed, my feet pressing into his blanket for leverage as I arched myself up toward my own hand.

Unable to deny myself my own touch anymore, I firmly gripped the base of my cock with my fist, feeling it pulse as I took a long stroke up. While I continued to stroke with my left hand, my right tugged on my sac before moving lower, circling my entrance. Although I had done it to Edward, and he had teased me in return, it was a step I had yet to take. Feeling unusually brave, I slowly inserted my middle fingertip to test. I felt stretched, and a hint of pain, but overall, a pleasant sensation filled me. Immediately, my hand started pumping myself a little quicker and my finger began to keep pace, never venturing farther than my second knuckle, concentrating on the new pleasurable feeling rather than the slight pain it caused.

As instincts took over my motions, my imagination drifted to Edward, only this time he wasn't naked in his bedroom, he was downstairs on his piano….literally.

_Dressed in nothing but an unbuttoned white shirt, he sat on top of his piano, feet on the keys while I sat on the bench, his cock in my mouth. With a hand in my hair, he guided my head while my mouth slid over his soft skin. Letting his head fall back, he spread his legs wider, allowing my fingers to travel to his tight hole. _

"_Mmm…deeper…" he instructed in the fucking sexiest voice I had ever heard. Obeying, I relaxed my throat and took him all the way, his short hair tickling my nose._

"So fucking hot…" While I had thought the words, I didn't think I had said them out loud.

Then I realized I hadn't said them out loud.

Edward had.

He wasn't on the piano; he was standing next to his bed, watching me touch myself.

"SHIT!" I yelled, sitting up, I went to grab his blanket to cover myself but his voice stopped me.

"Don't!" Cautiously, I looked up at him. He was a vision, his tight tee shirt stretched across his heaving chest, his lips were parted and wet from being licked and his eyes, his fucking eyes were wide and dark and fogged with lust. "Continue, please," he panted, his glazed eyes on my naked form, specifically my cock.

"Edward, I'm sorry…I just…"

"Jasper, I don't care that you're in here, but so help me if you stop what you were doing, there will be hell to pay."

"You want me to…continue?"

"Fuck yes, very much so."

Biting my lip, I considered my options. I either continued in his bed while Edward watched, and hopefully eventually joined me, or I left and continued in my room or the fucking shower again, alone and ashamed.

Option number one seemed like a win-win in my opinion.

Nodding, I resumed my position, and Edward lay next to me on his side, his fingers tracing the muscles of my stomach and chest. I lay there quietly letting his fingers explore my body, and my cock began to respond to his touch, growing even harder than before. His husky voice broke the silence.

""I felt you watching me today."

There was no denying it. After falling on my ass and lying about the book, I had assumed he had known that I had at least caught a glimpse. I nodded, and his fingers pinched my nipple before he leaned down and took it his mouth.

"Did you like what you saw?" he mumbled around my darkened skin.

"Fuck yeah," I moaned, my back arching up to meet his greedy mouth.

"I liked that you watched." His breath rippled over my flesh, awakening every cell.

_FUCK. ME._

He released my nipple, and rested his chin on my chest. "Touch yourself, Jasper."

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, letting my hand return to my cock, and spread the already seeping fluid with my fingers before stroking again. After a few pumps, my hips had begun to move and I felt Edward's chin leave my chest, I assume to get a better view at my hand on my cock.

"So fucking hot, Jasper, watching you touch yourself like this."

I bit my lip to cut off the moan that threatened me. Already on the verge of erupting from my all day erection, my body responded to the smallest touch with an extreme ferocity.

"Finger yourself for me."

Did he have any idea what he was doing to me? To be so close and not touching me, to hear the desire in his voice and not be touching him was enough to bring to the edge of insanity with no chance of return. Doing as he requested, my right hand traveled below my balls, my middle finger entering my tight entrance once again. I fucking whimpered at the feeling of filling myself, even that little bit, everything heightened by his presence next to me.

"Mmmm," he groaned,"You're so fucking responsive." Finally, he laid a hand on my thigh, allowing it to ride the up and down movements of my pelvis. "What are you thinking about it?"

"You."

As if I would, or even could, think of anyone else. The image that was in my head was one similar to the one I had had earlier.

Edward and his piano.

Only our actions were different. The new image was more intense, and one I had yet to let my imagination explore.

"What am I doing?" he asked, his voice low and quiet, but holding a sensual sound that sent electric charges through my body.

"You're," I stopped, partially because I was embarrassed to tell him what was in my head, and partially because I was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything other than my hand on my cock and my finger in my ass. Unlike my previous fantasies that were hazy and lacked details without his presence, this one was crystal clear, every detail magnified by his nearness and his voice.

"What am I doing?" he repeated, his breaths a bit raspy.

"You're…" My panting breaths stopped me briefly. "You're thrusting...into me"

"Fuck…"he moaned, and I felt his forehead on my chest, his hair tickling my nipples.

"Yes…fucking me…"

"Where?" He murmured into my flesh before darting his tongue out to lick the light layer of sweat that had gathered on me from my exertion.

"On the piano." What was it with that fucking piano and sex?

"Tell me."

Tossing my head the side, I bit my lip before letting loose the image of him and I. There probably wasn't anything I wouldn't do for Edward, no matter the amount of embarrassment it caused me, because I knew he would do the same for me, and because it was what he wanted.

I was going to give him what he wanted. As my hand continued stroking the satin skin of my cock, and my heart raced, I described my fantasy to Edward in as much detail as I saw.

"I'm on the piano, naked on my back…my ass is on the edge, and my…" I panted." My knees are up against my…chest. I'm so fucking hard, my hand is stroking myself."

Did he need me to continue, or was that enough.

"And? Tell me everything, Jasper."

Apparently it wasn't enough.

"The piano is cool against my skin. You're in front of me…standing between my legs…you're naked," I paused, the image so clear and fresh in my head that my body began to tighten with the beginnings of my orgasm, willing myself to slow down, I continued. You're naked," I repeated, and heard him moan in response. "And you're hard…you get me ready with your fingers, pumping them in and out of me, they are warm and slick."

I let my description set in, listening to his quick breaths. Feeling his erection against my thigh, I wanted to reach over and touch him. "You're body is perfect, taunt, and your cock is…thick and pink. I begin to beg for you, I need you in me, I tell you how much I need you. I tell you…"

"What, what do you tell me?"

"I tell you I want you to fuck me." I gasped, my hand's pace following suit and quickening. It wasn't going to be much longer.

"Jesus Christ…" His weight shifted, and I felt his hand between his erection and my leg, and I knew he was beginning to stroke himself, unable to resist any longer.

"Leaning over me, you kiss me while you position yourself, and then slowly…so very slowly you push into me. Just your tip at first…then more, inch by every fucking incredible inch you enter me."

He didn't respond with words, but the feral growl he released told me my fantasy was working. "More…" he demanded.

"Once you're completely… in me, you pull out and slowly push back in. Each time, you move a little faster. We're still kissing…my arms are around your neck and in your hair…yours are hooked around my legs and your hands on the piano for leverage. I can feel my skin sticking to the piano as you push me on it. Faster…" I followed my own instructions, my hand speeding up. With my movements, my finger had left my ass and was now fondling my balls, rolling and tugging them. "I tell you faster, and you do it, you're thrusting into me. It's so tight, I can feel every detail of you, I am filled by you…I'm not touching myself but my cock is caught between us and the friction is fucking awesome."

"Yes…fuck yes…" he began kissing me, stopping my story. They were not slow tender kisses, they were demanding and forceful, his tongue twisting with mine, exploring my mouth, licking and tasting. Finally, his mouth left my lips, but not my body-he continued to kiss and taste his way over my collarbone and neck. When his mouth was on mine, I had stopped stroking myself, instead weaving my hand into his hair.

My lips felt swollen from our kisses as I continued my hand back on my overly sensitive cock. "I'm so close, baby," I told him, hoping he would just let me finish.

"More," he growled again.

"You stand up straight, still pounding me, and grab my cock in your hand, pumping me hard…it's not long before I can't stand it anymore. Seeing you thrust into me, your body sweaty, your hair wet and your tongue between your lips. I try to watch you enter me, see your cock going into me, but all I can see is your hips moving. So...beautiful. "

With body was on the precipice of my orgasm, it was only going to take one thing to push it over the edge, one thing to let me freefall into the euphoria I had been craving all fucking day. It was Edward's fault I was in this position, so it was only fitting he was here to watch me finish what he had unintentionally started. My hips bucked up into my fist, my hand flying over the silky skin as it furiously pumped my aching cock.

I was going to cum.

"I stare up at you, you're so beautiful to watch like this…I love the sounds you make, moans...your fucking moans...and when you call me 'love'…I love our skin slapping. Each time you push into me hard, you're hitting something, a spot…it feels so fucking good…I feel myself cumming, all over my stomach, it's hot and your hand keeps stroking me through it."

Suddenly, the words I was describing become reality and I feel my balls tighten in my hand, and warmth spread throughout me. With a pounding heart, my cock explodes with pearly fluid all over my stomach, even reaching my chest and shoulder as my muscles contract, my entire body spasms as I throw my head back while my climax surged through me.

Minutes later, I lay next to Edward, my body worn and tired, my mind completely fogged by the remnants of my orgasm. My breath gradually slows, and I open my eyes to find Edward staring at me with a drowsy satisfied look.

"Did you…"

He shook his head."No, but damn close."

"Oh, because you look…"

"Happy?" I laughed, but agreed.

"That's because I think you came hard enough for both of us," he smirked. Blushing, I went to turn my head, but his fingers on my chin stopped me."Don't…Don't ever be embarrassed by that, Jasper. It was…incredible."

"Edward..." I groaned, rolling my eyes. We continued to lay there, one of my hands in his hair as he leaned his elbow, watching me.

"You're so beautiful, love."

"Stop," I playfully tugged his hair, pulling his head back. "Don't say shit like that."

"Why, it's true. You're one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen." The heat on my face had traveled down my neck and chest, the warmth tingeing my flesh pink. When I refused to look back at him, he whispered. "Jasper?"

I turned toward him again, and gave him a small smile, wanting nothing more than have his confidence in his words. How he could always make me feel like nothing else mattered but me, and us. He exposed so much of himself to me, not only physically, but emotionally as well. Obviously, as I lay there completely naked before him, my orgasm still on my chest, I had exposed myself physically too, but I was still working on the emotional part.

It was time to work on it.

"Thank you," I accepted his compliment. "And," I took a deep breath. "I'm so caught up in you, that I can't think straight anymore, Edward, and it scares me. All my thoughts are of you, and when we can be together again. And not because of the physical shit, which, don't get me wrong, is fucking amazing, but…I just like being alone with you. It doesn't matter where, or when."

Grinning at my admission, he leaned down and kissed me softly. Moaning into the kiss as I opened my lips for his tongue, his hands tickled their way up my body. Giggling, I instantly pushed them away.

"Thank you," he said quietly as he pulled away. As my giggling subsided, I realized something.

"I thought you went to the lab, why did you come home?"

The pink that flowed under his tanned skin made me curious. "I got about half way there and turned around. "

"Why? Did you forget something?"

"Umm, no, not really." I waited, rather impatiently for him to answer. "After…teasing you this morning, I was a fucking mess all day. Hard as a fucking rock, and when I was driving to the lab, I thought, what the fuck am I doing, Bella was gone, and we could be alone for the first time in weeks. So I turned around and broke about four speed limits getting back here. Only to find you had already started without me."

Now it was my turn to blush.

"Oh." We just stared at each other, and knowing Edward as well as I did, I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. "Your turn."

Laughing, he climbed off the bed and went into the bathroom. I heard the shower start before he poked his head back into his room."Well?"

I hadn't moved that fast in a long time as I bolted off the bed and headed for the bathroom. By the time I got inside, he was already undressed and testing the warmth of the water.

Standing there watching him, I began,"Ya know, this is what started the entire thing, you taking a shower. You can't possibly need another already."

Steam flowed from the shower and surrounded us both, cocooning us in its moist heat. "I don't, but I'm all for killing two birds with one stone, and this might get messy."

"Poor birds," I laughed. Tilting his head back under the water, it ran down his body, curving over every facet of his form. "Want me to join you? " I asked before climbing in and stepping into his warm embrace.

"Always, Jasper."

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading!

Also, a huge, huge thank you to everyone that voted for **Mergers and Acquisitions** for the Slash/Backslash contest, M&A has made it to the final round, should you want to vote again, all entries can be found here: http: // www. fanfiction. net/u/2110516/Slash_Backslash (remove spaces)

I am humbled by the support the story has received, and I look forward to continuing it after the conclusion of the contest.


	8. Don't Let Me Go

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N- While this is a mirrored chapter of S&S, **don't skim**, the end is very different. We say good-bye, for a little while, to Edward - although there is one outtake planned while Jasper is away…involving a phone perhaps?

My poor beta, C Me Smile, has been working her fingers to the bone at work, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise are my own.

Huge hugs and thanks to **Dannie** for the feedback, and encouragement on this chapter when I cringed at everything I wrote. 3 you, and I'm sorry Edward has to stay home.

I am incredibly honored by the comments feedback these outtakes have received, each word of every review makes me smile, I love how well loved the boys are, thank you all so much. You are all the best! *group hug*

"****~~**"**

Stay

Location: Seattle, WA (Love)

"****~~**"**

Morning comes slow today  
Memories push through from yesterday  
Where will I be tomorrow  
What will I have to show

From my life

Stay, I need you here for a new day to break  
Stay, I want you near, like a shadow in my wake~Poets of the Fall

"****~~**"**

Walking into the house, I closed the door quietly, not wanting to announce I had returned home. I didn't want Edward to think that I ran my ass home to talk to him.

I had gone to the ocean and jogged along the beach with the intention of thinking about shit, and in reality all I thought about was Edward and Bella in bed together, images of them fucking passed through my mind like a slideshow.

It was my down damn fault; I had never manned up and told Edward how I felt about him. As many times as he had hinted at his feelings for me, I had never returned his honest sentiments. How could I blame him for finding comfort in the arms of another? If Bella was the one that owned his heart all along, would telling him have made a difference? Even though I knew he had some feelings for me, all I had done was stand by.

My life was stagnant, rotting and covered in self loathing…and I didn't do shit about it.

Edward was generous, determined, caring, and lived his life by his terms.

He was everything I wasn't.

I had made up my mind.

As I reached the top of the stairs, I heard Edward's shower and sighed in relief, at least I had a few more minutes. Standing in front of her closed door, I had my hand in the air to knock.

_Edward and Bella naked, her atop of him, her breasts bouncing as she pumps herself up and down on him, her head thrown back, calling out his name as she comes right before Edward does the same. After, they lay in each other's arms, kissing and whispering words of devotion and…love. _

"Fuck," I whispered, lowering my hand, I turned and entered my room. Walking over to my dresser, I opened the top drawer and took it out. I had never told them about it, and now my secret was about to become my ticket out. Rereading the letter, as I had a thousand times, I searched it for anything would answer the one question I had.

Was it too late?

It was in perfect shape, even with the amount of times I had read it, reassuring myself it was real, and it hadn't been a dream. It had been the one thing I had done right.

Standing there, I felt like shit, my stomach was empty and in knots, I wasn't ready to talk to Edward, I needed more time to prepare for his news, more time to prepare my heart for the devastation that was surely going to destroy me. My heart had broken into shards at the site of them in bed together; his confirming their love for each other was going shatter those shards into tiny pieces, certainly never to be put back together again.

I would never be complete again.

_Hands stroking each other, grasping hair to pull into a kiss, lips brushing, tongues tasting, muscles clenching as bodies reached unknown heights of passion. Moans of ecstasy filled the dark room as fingers sought secret places. He had remembered what she had liked from their first time together…when he had taken her virginity. _

The shards began to ache uncontrollably, forcing air through my lungs at an unnatural pace, gasping to catch my breath. Putting the letter on the dresser, I took a few deep breaths to try to regain control while I begged someone, anyone, for relief from the pain.

"You're home."

Jumping, I spun around to see Edward in our doorway, still damp from his shower and dressed in only jeans. Immediately, my cock hardened, and my pulse raced. I hated myself then, I hated that my body reacted to him so instantly at seeing him shirtless and wet. Pathetic, pitiful, useless…words that whispered in my ear, reminding me that while my body might want him, need him, he was not mine to have.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Edward. Scared the shit out of me."

Ignoring my comment, he took a step inside my room, hands on his hips. "You got my message."

He wasn't asking, he knew.

"Yeah, I got your fucking message." I stood straight, trying to build a resolve in my body that I didn't feel in my heart.

"Where were you?" He took another tentative step, feeling out my reaction.

What the fuck did he care. What was he, my father?

"Out."

"Out where?" he asked, tilting his head, and taking another step, his eyes glancing down to my hands fisted at my side.

"None of your fucking business," I said defiantly. "You said you want to talk, so fucking talk."

Taking a deep breath, he ran his hands down his face before speaking. "I know you saw us."

"Saw you?" I feigned innocence with my words, but my voice was laced with knowledge, and anger.

"You left the door open," he began, nodding to the door between our rooms. "When I went to bed last night, it was closed." He let the information set in. "I'm sure of it."

"Fuck," I muttered at my own stupidity, hanging my head.

"Listen, it wasn't what you thin-"

"Yeah, right, Edward. It fucking looked like what I thought to me." He stared at me, his eyebrows raised, wanting me to tell him what I thought. I can't believe he was going to make me say it; make me describe the scene that had crushed me only a few hours earlier.

_Asshole._

"You, bare-assed, spooning a barely clothed Bella." I swallowed down the bile that had risen in my throat at the words. "Thank you, though, for closing the door so I didn't have to hear the two of you fucking all night long. Fucking bastard," I finished, my voice raw from the vomiting. Standing before him, my chest heaved, the shards cutting into my lungs and stealing my breath. As much as I refused to let my emotions show, my body deceived me and the tears welled in my eyes. Clenching my jaw, I willed them away even as one slid down my cheek.

Nodding at my words, he walked toward me, his steps more certain than before.

"Jazz, you okay?" he asked, reaching out to me.

I wanted to slap his out stretched hand; instead, I turned from him as my shame slid down my face. "Fuck you, Edward. What the fuck do you care anyway. Just leave me the fuck alone. Go on with your perfect little life with Bella."

I had to get the fuck out of there. Spotting my backpack on my chair, I grabbed it and went to my dresser again, opening drawers and pulling out clothes, not even caring what I was stuffing in the bag. I could feel him right behind me, as I always could, so I wasn't surprised when his voice was so close.

What surprised me was the hand on my arm, stilling my movements. "Stop, Jasper." He wasn't demanding, but he knew I would listen regardless. With the partially filled bag in my hands, I stood with my back to him.

"I can't," I whispered.

"Can't what?" he asked, laying his forehead against my shoulder. Wanting nothing more than to scream at him, tell him to go away and not to touch me, I felt my body relax under his comforting touch. The betrayal of my body continued with every caress of his thumb on my arm.

Licking my lips, I felt them dry and cracked. "I can't stand by and watch you two. I'm…sorry. I just can't." I barely finished, my words broken, fragmented by the beginning of sobs as the images of their future hit me one after the other.

Graduation. Wedding. Pregnancy. Baby. Holiday parties with friends and families, pictures of the happy couple surrounded by loved ones.

Fucking picture perfect life.

Without me in it.

I didn't belong with him anymore.

And yet, as much as that broke me, I knew it was how it should be. It should have always been Bella; she held the easier life for him.

The normal life.

I had no right to even consider it should have been me.

"Jasper, listen to me," he spoke to my back, knowing there was no fucking way I would turn around to face him, his voice muffled against my shoulder, his warm breath washing over it as he sighed before speaking. "Bella and I didn't sleep together."

I snorted. "No, I doubt there was very little actual sleeping except for what I walked in on. I'm sure there was a lot of fucking though." My anger started to return, taking hold of the self pity.

Lifting his head, he gripped my arm tighter. "Fucking turn around and listen to me." Finally, his tone was beginning to match my own, spite crawling into it as his frustration with my behavior grew. Debating on whether or not to do as he asked, I glanced at the letter on the dresser.

_My ticket out_.

Jerking my arm from his grasp, I turned around, and looked down on him, my eyes glaring at his. For once, I appreciated my height advantage. However, Edward didn't back down, in fact, he returned my stare; only his eyes were filled with a peace I would never know again. Acceptance was something Edward had an abundance of, he had always accepted me, and Bella, and all our faults. Never trying to fix us, just accepting and welcoming us for who we were. Before Edward, no one had ever accepted me so willingly, so completely.

It was what I would miss the most. The chance to be myself, whether gay or bi, Edward allowed me to explore a side of me that never would have been discovered otherwise.

"Thank you," he said after I turned to face him. "As I was saying, we didn't sleep together, as in we didn't have sex."

_We didn't have sex._

Immediately, the air rushed from my lungs, only this time in relief, the shards of heart remaining intact for the moment. I went to speak, but no words would come out.

"There was no 'fucking', as you so eloquently put it." He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before continuing while I remained dumbfounded. "This isn't my place to tell you this. But after I saw the door this morning, I knew you had seen us…and what it must have looked like…" he voice got quiet.

"What?" My voice finally reappeared, although it was weak and timid with remorse.

"She'll kill me for telling you this, with you not liking Jake and all-"My eyes grew wide at his words, and immediately he shook his head. "They had quite the fight, Bella came to me. She was upset and wanted advice."

"What happened, Edward?"

He glanced behind him, made certain my door was closed and we were alone before he looked up at me."He asked her to marry him."

"WHAT!" I went to move past him, but he caught my arm.

"Jasper, you can't. Let me finish."

"Did she say yes?" Even as the words passed my lips, I didn't recognize that I had said them.

"Not exactly," he replied a hell of a lot more calmly than I felt.

"Edward, fucking tell me."

"She told him she needed time to think about it."

"Time to think about it? As in, she might still say yes? How much time?"

He had let go of my arm, convinced I wasn't going to go pound on Bella's door demanding answers. "This is so not my place to be telling you about this," he said, shaking his head.

"Yeah, well she isn't going to. Please Edward, tell me what happened."

We stood there, neither of us moving as he relayed the details of the events from the night before. How he had gotten up to go to the bathroom and heard Bella crying in her room, he knocked and entered to find her sobbing on her bed. It had taken him a few minutes to coax out of her what had happened, how Jake had planned a romantic dinner, and proposal, complete with candlelight, diamond ring and bended knee. Bella had said she needed time to think about it, Jake got upset, he was hurt and confused. They argued, and he dropped her off at the house without a word.

"She was a wreck, Jasper, so I invited to come into my room, where we could talk more. "

I raised a questioning brow at him.

"My bed is bigger," he answered my unasked question. "Anyway, we talked about what had happened, and what she was going to do. After a few hours, she started to doze off, I offered her a shirt, she changed and climbed under the covers, asking if she could stay, saying she didn't she didn't want to be alone." He looked down at the floor. "I don't know how we ended up spooning. I swear, when I fell asleep, I was on my back…and…."

"And?" I pressed.

"Thinking of you."

God, I was such a bastard.

Not only had I assumed they had slept together, but Bella had been upset and hadn't been able to come to me because of my feelings on Jake. She had felt alone, with no one to talk to, Edward consoled her, helped her, and I had fucking assumed the worst

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions…it's just…when I saw you, and your arms around her…I just lost it." Sitting on my bed, he leaned back on his palms. "She said your name," I confided, looking down at the floor again.

"What?"

Sighing, I joined him on the bed. Sitting next to him, I put my hand over his and began tracing his fingers. "I went in to see if you wanted to go for a run with me. At first, I didn't realize you weren't alone…and when I did, I heard her say your name in her sleep."

"Jasper…"

"It hurt, Edward," I interrupted him."It really fucking hurt to think that she had spent the night with you…"

Putting a hand under my chin, he forced me to look at him."Why did it hurt, Jasper?"

"Because I wanted…" I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes."I wanted it to be me."

His lips touched mine in the softest of kisses. "So did I," he whispered, his lips continuing to brush across mine before he could resist no more, and let his tongue slip in between my parted lips. Moaning, partly in relief, partly in desire, I let my hands slide up his bare arms, over his shoulders and into his damp hair. When he pulled away from me, his breaths were short, and matched the rhythm of my pounding heart.

"Mmmm…God, you taste so good," he smiled, and wrinkled his nose. "But, love?"

"Yeah?"

"You reek."

Laughing, I back away from him, blushing. "Sorry. I went jogging to try to forget."

"Well, as much as I love you sweaty, you…" he pushed my hair off my face, tucking it behind my ear.

"Need a shower." I finished his sentence for him, my heart slowing under his touch.

"Good idea," he said as he stood up. "I need to finish getting dressed. Oh, before I forget, your mom called with a message," he said, pulling a paper out of his pocket.

Not exactly in the mood to deal with my mother, I told him to leave it on my dresser. Instantly regretting my decision, I jumped off the bed and bolted past him, but I was too late.

With letter in hand, he stood there reading it. "Is this what it looks like?"

_Here we go._

I nodded.

"What the fuck, Jasper? You said you didn't get in." Green eyes, filled with anger, scanned the letter again, for the third time.

Again, I nodded.

"A fucking FULL RIDE? Jasper…" he went back to the bed and sat down again. I kept my back to him, while I was proud of the letter; I was ashamed I had kept it from him. "Why, Jasper? Why did you lie?" he asked quietly, his voice so full of hurt, my heart ached.

With my back to him, I spoke to my dresser, fingering the grains in the wood. "I just wanted to stay together. I wanted to be with you and Bella."

"But a fucking full ride Jasper? You turned that down for Bella and me?"

"No," I whispered before turning around. "I turned it down for you." Running his fingers through his hair, he stared up at me with wide emerald eyes, blinking, unable to wrap his mind around the sacrifice he thought I had made.

Only it hadn't been a sacrifice to me.

"Jasper, this is…fucking huge. Your parents must have been pissed." He read it the letter again.

"They don't know, I never told them." I hung my head.

"Are you serious?"

I wanted to explain. I wanted to tell him how I couldn't bear to be without him…and Bella. How I couldn't imagine a future without them in it, even for a few months at a time. How they meant more to me than any scholarship. All these things I wanted to explain to him, and yet, nothing came out, I just stood there, dumbfounded, at a total loss for words and reasons.

"I never told anyone. I just…I just didn't want to be alone." I tried to explain, and failed, my simple words not conveying the complexity of the choice I had made, the weight I had given it, the thought and consideration that had been involved. It was not a decision I had made lightly, although I had always known, deep down, that my future was with them. Walking to the bed, I sat next to him, still not looking at him.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, until he reached over and took my hand in his, laying his head on my shoulder.

"I would have done the same thing," he declared faintly.

"You would have?"

Nodding, he shrugged. "Yeah, I mean, I would have chosen you over a scholarship too." Placing the letter in my lap, he pointed to the logo at the top. "But you gave up more than a scholarship, Jasper."

Confused, I stared at him.

"You gave up the chance to go home."

_Home._

Heat, sunshine, Abilene…Petey.

I missed Petey the most. Although we had kept in touch over the years, he was attending a community college studying business so he could run his own garage, and was now engaged to his high school sweetheart Charlotte; our relationship wasn't what it once had been. Edward, of course, had moved into the best friend spot, but my heart always had a special place for Petey. We had experienced so many firsts together, and had gone through those awkward years by each other's sides.

"And for you, I would give it up again," I disclosed, my voice barely audible.

"You miss it, Japser. Texas. I can tell."

"How?" Of course I missed it, it had been my home for more than three quarters of my life, I loved everything about it, I was proud of my Texas upbringing.

"It's a part of you, Jasper. It always has been, and while your parents took the boy of out of Texas, they didn't take the Texas out of the boy," he chuckled at his bad humor. "The way you dress, talk, eat, hell, even your fucking southern charm, it all screams 'Texas', and your pride in it."

Before the first one fell, I tried to catch it but I was too late and it splattered on the paper in my lap, spreading out to create a dark uneven circle. "I do miss it," I admitted quietly.

"I know."Taking my face in his hands, he turned me to him and wiped my tear away with a delicate touch. "I know you miss it."

"Regardless," I took a deep breath, "of how much I miss it, I wouldn't have left the two of you…and now, it looks like she might be leaving us."

"Not necessarily. She said she needed time…and I think I have just the solution." Suddenly, his words and movements were animated, and I swear I saw the light bulb go on over his head. He stood up and started pacing in front of me. "What are your plans this summer?"

I watched him walk back and forth, and shrugged. "Umm, go back to the music store, hang out with you at the pool…other than that, I have no fucking clue."

"Before you say no, think about what I am about to suggest, okay?" He stopped and faced me, biting his lip.

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I fucking promise," I blurted out, irritated and impatient.

"Let's go to Texas."

"Huh?" What the hell was he suggesting? More excited than I had seen him in months, well, except the night he writhed under me as his wrists were tied to my bedpost. He practically bounced in front of me at his idea, like a child on Christmas morning having been told they had to wait for the relatives to arrive before they could open presents.

"You, me, Bella, and a road trip to Texas."

Suddenly, I was as excited as he was and stood up, almost bouncing in time with him. "Are you serious?"

"Absolutely," he grinned.

"The three of us in Texas?"

"Yep…all summer. What do you say, Jasper?"

"Fuck yes," I laughed. My head started spinning with ideas, what I wanted to show, where I wanted to take them. Finally, I could share my own history with them. Then, I stopped bouncing and laughing. "Wait, what about Bella? She won't agree to this, not with what's going on."

"Leave her to me. It's exactly what she needs, some time and space to think about her decision."

"What if he doesn't let her go?" I began doubting Edward's abilities. He had stopped pacing, and faced me.

"We need this, Jasper. All of us. We need to get back to…where we were. Something has happened this year, and instead of getting closer by living together, we've grown apart. We need to get back to…us."

He had me convinced. Then again, Edward could talk me into just about anything. "Okay, I'm in."

"Good. I'm going to go work out some details, give my dad a call. I'll talk to you later," he said, heading toward our door.

"Edward, wait." He stopped at my words, and turned to me. No longer able to deny myself this indulgence, I looked at my door to make sure the coast was clear, and I approached Edward quickly. I loved that his I could hear his breath hitch as I stood before him, placing one hand on his chest, feeling his heart pounding beneath the flesh and bone, while the other went behind his neck and directed his lips to mine one more time.

Not wanting to risk it too much, as Bella was right across the hall, it was a quick kiss, but full of everything I wanted to express to him, my apology for jumping to conclusions, my gratitude for taking me home, and the hunger I always felt for him. With his hand over mine, he returned my kiss, and I could sense his desire to deepen it. Pulling back before we got carried away, I kissed my way to his ear before murmuring in it.

"Thank you."

Sighing at our separation, he replied, "Welcome…and Jasper?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Take a shower." Laughing, he walked through our door before turning and winking at me. Rolling my eyes, I turned back and saw the letter on my bed.

Home. I was going home.

"**~~**"

"Should I pack the coffee maker?" she yelled from downstairs. I was up in my room, my door wide open as I stood beside my bed, hands on my hips staring at the mess laid out before me. We were twenty-four hours away from leaving and I had no fucking clue what to pack. My biggest concern was money, so we shortened our trip to four weeks to allow me ten weeks of working at the music store for next year's tuition. Dr. C had offered to fund part of the trip, and talked Chief Swan into letting Bella go, promising her safe return.

Four weeks camping out under the big Texas sky.

Four weeks of being with just Bella and Edward.

Finals were done, and we had been planning our trip for the past few days. While Bella and Edward came up with places they wanted to see, I came up with places I wanted to show them, and people I wanted them to meet.

_Petey._

"Seriously, Bella?" I yelled back at her, shaking my head. Exactly where did she think we would be plugging in the coffee maker when we were camping?

"So, that's a no?" she laughed.

"Bella!"

"Okay, okay," her voice gradually faded, but I could still her giggling to herself, probably in satisfaction of getting me riled up…again. It seemed to have been a goal of hers lately, drive Jasper to the brink of insanity. Even though I was thankful we were at least back on speaking terms, there were still tense moments between us, usually involving Jake.

Edward had told me that Bella's talk with Jake about Texas had gone over a better than expected, Jake actually kissing her good-bye and telling her to have good time, but had reminded her to check in with him daily by phone or text. Groaning, I had rolled my eyes at Jake's instructions.

"Fuck," I muttered, attempting to shove more than physically possible into my huge duffel bag.

"Problem?"

I jumped at his voice and looked up to see him in my doorway. There was something off about him, his face looked drawn, and his hair messed-certainly from running his hands through it.

"Hey," I greeted, and he entered my room, coming to sit on my bed. "This bag is big enough for me to commit a crime, and hide the body in it, but I can't seem to pack everything I need in it."

Leaning over, he scanned the contents of my bag, reaching in, he pulled out my Scrabble game. "Do you really need this?"

Shrugging, I grabbed it from him and put it back in. "Never know-always be prepared, right?"

"Right...prepared for those emergency Scrabble tournaments," his voice was low, and full of wistfulness. "I have something to tell you."

My heart immediately jumped into my throat, temporarily clogging my ability to breathe. "What?"

Looking down at his lap, Edward spoke quietly. "I haven't told Bella yet, but remember that meeting I had at my dad's hospital a few weeks ago?"

Blushing, I mostly definitely remembered the meeting, or rather the white shirt and tie he wore to the meeting, and then out to the bar later that night. "Yeah, I remember."

"Well, it was an interview for a position, an internship of sorts…for this summer."

He let the words sink in, and when they did, I sat on the bed next to him. "This summer," I repeated unbelievingly. Biting his bottom lip, he nodded. "And?"

He took my hand in his, squeezing it before speaking. "I start next Monday. I'm moving home this weekend."

"Shit…"

"My thoughts exactly," he sighed, laying back on my duffel bag. "I can't go to Texas. You guys are on your own."

"Well, this sucks." I realized what I had said and apologized."I'm sorry, Edward. I shouldn't be complaining. I should be congratulating you on getting the position. Your dad must be proud."

"Thanks, and yeah, he seemed pretty happy. As much as I think it's going to be a great step for me," he paused, finally looking up at me, smiling."I was really looking forward to seeing your home, Jasper."

"Me too." We sat in silence for a few minutes as I considered the consequences of Edward not going with us. I had no problem spending four weeks alone with Bella, our relationship needed repairing, and this was a huge step in the right direction. What I did not want to do was spend four weeks without Edward by my side.

I wanted to stay and be with Edward, but I knew my soul needed the trip; it needed the healing Texas would bring.

Four weeks without Edward.

"I don't want to go without you." Fuck my soul, I needed him.

He turned to me with a sad smile, "I'm sure you will be fine, both of you."

"I suppose we should tell Bella?"

"Yes, I will tell her later, but I wanted to ask you something."

"Anything."

"Spend tonight with me?" his bottom lip actually began to tremble, so he pulled it between his teeth. Listening, I could hear Bella still in the kitchen, so I leaned over and kissed Edward's lips.

"Yes."

It was all I could think of…just yes.

"**~~**"

The light from the full moon streamed through my windows, but I was too lazy to get out of bed and close my shades. Instead, I lay on my bed, looking out the window at the black sky decorated with the thousands of dancing lights.

Earlier we had eaten dinner, Bella had cooked us a goodbye meal before heading out with Jake for the night. Edward and I were alone in the house, I had heard him moving around his room while I lay there, the sounds his nearness relaxing me. It was just one more thing I was going to miss.

"All packed?" His voice was quiet, subdued, carrying only a hint of the Edward I was used to. Looking at him, I could barely make out the outline of his form as he stood in the doorway between our rooms.

"Yeah, although I'm sure I am forgetting something."

"Actually, you are." Walking over to my bed he sat down on the edge and rested a hand on my thigh.

"What are you talking about?"

"I have something for you."

I couldn't resist. "Mmm…I bet you do," I smirked, putting my hand over his, I wiggled my eyebrows. With a roll of his eyes, he opened his other hand exposing a small, brown box. Sitting up, I was suddenly excited. "What is it?"

"Open it," he encouraged, his voice sounding lighter. Smiling, I took the box and removed the cover. Inside sat a necklace, thin corded black leather with a small silver charm of what appeared to be Asian letters.

"It's beautiful," I reached out and fingered the smooth pendent, it was heavier than I expected.

"It's the Chinese symbol for courage," he began, removing the necklace from the box, he slid the leather cord wide and held it up. Bowing my head, he slipped it over, and I looked back up at him. "Did you know that the tiger is their animal symbol for courage?" I shook my head, and he continued. "Well, it is, it also means generosity and protection. In fact, they have different colored tigers to represent the seasons of the year, and the red tiger is the ruler of summer." He tightened the cord so the rope became a choker, the charm lying over my racing pulse. "You are the most courageous person I know, Jasper. You gave up so much to stay with me."

When his fingers lingered on my skin, I felt the electricity from his touch surge through me. My eyes had never left his through is explanation, and when he was done it was my turn. Capturing his fingers with mine, I held them, and the charm, tightly as I leaned over and kissed him. We were alone, there was no need for chaste kisses, so my lips parted as soon as they touched his. Eagerly, his tongue entered, and we both moaned, his hand leaving my neck to travel into my hair, fusing me to him. Languidly, our tongues explored, tasted and…promised. It was our last night for weeks, our separation was not going to be easy on either us, but as difficult as it was going to be, we knew I needed it. I needed to see my home again, and Edward had a wonderful opportunity he needed to take advantage of.

We would be apart in body, but not in spirit. It sounded corny, but I knew it to be true. Even though my body craved his constantly, what I felt for Edward surpassed my physical self. I had realized it the day I had attempted to make him breakfast, but I had yet to acknowledge it to him. While part of me wanted to announce publically that I wanted no other but the sweet generous soul of Edward, I was still afraid. Afraid of what it meant to be committed to another man, afraid of how our parents would react, how Bella would react.

These fears kept the part of me that yearned for him hidden, closeted I guess, until a day when I would no longer be able to sequester my feelings, my passion, for the most beautiful boy in front of me.

My kisses were a promise of to not only return from Texas, but to someday be his completely, in every way. Gasping, I pulled away, licking my lips to capture the remainder of his taste on them, I rested my forehead to his.

"Thank you, baby." I ran my hands down his arms until my fingers found his, and pulled them from my hair. Bringing them to my lips I kissed his knuckles. "I love it."

"Well, that's not all." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Ummm," he hesitated.

"What is it?"

"I have something else for you."

"A bracelet to match?" I joked, giggling.

"Shut the fuck up," he laughed as he stood up and headed toward his door.

"Wait, I'm sorry," I called after him as he left my room. Sitting in the dark on our bed, I found my fingers playing with the charm, already warmed from my flesh, while I waited…hoped, for his return. From his room, he instructed me to close my eyes. "Why?"

"Damn it, Jasper, just do it." Loving that I could take him from horny to frustrated in record time, I did as he asked and closed my eyes.

"Okay, they're closed."

"Damn it," he cursed after I heard a bang.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just stubbed my toe." I could hear him moving around his room and then his bare feet padded across the floor to my bed, but he didn't sit down again.

"Hold out your hands," he instructed. This time, I followed his orders quickly, anticipating a certain silk black tie to slide across my wrists. Needless to say when I felt the smooth lacquer finished wood, I was shocked."Open."

Before my eyes even opened, I knew I held what I coveted most.

A Gibson Hummingbird.

Opening my eyes, I confirmed what I already knew. My fingers drifted over the shiny finish, the brown tones ranging from tan to rust, before tracing the design of the pickguard. After exploring every inch of the spruce and mahogany, strings and design, I looked up to see Edward beaming at me.

I hated that I was going to ruin his happiness. Biting my lip, I shook my head. "Edward, I can't accept this…it's…beautiful, but I can't accept it. It's-"

Still standing beside my bed, he bent over and kissed me hard, taking not only the end of my speech, but my breath away with it. The guitar sat on my lap between us, gripping it with one hand, I let my other weave into his hair. When our tongues touched, he groaned, and I could feel the vibrations throughout his body, flowing from his to mine. No matter how many times our lips touched, even lightly, it never failed to ignite the pilot light we both had to full fledge flame, burning us from the inside out.

Finally, he pulled away, and instinctively, my body followed him wanting to be closer. He pushed on my leg with his hand, and I scooted back some, crossing my legs front of me. Sitting down in front of me, he crossed his legs too. A sweet smile crossed his lips as he reached out and plucked one of the strings on the guitar. I watched his fingers, long, delicate but strong, follow the outline of the design as his head tilted-he was thinking about something.

"Edward, I-"

"Don't say it, Jasper. You _can_ and will accept it. Your birthday is in a few weeks and you won't be here. I was …" he stopped, licking his lips and sighing before continuing."I was going to give this to you for your birthday, but since you will be…gone, I am giving it to you now."

"I don't know what to say." Unconsciously, or perhaps very consciously, my hand had covered his and began to mimic his movements over the front of the guitar. "I've wanted it for so long, but, baby, it's so expensive. I could never afford a gift like this for you."

Shaking his head, he had already thought of all my possible arguments, I was certain he had a counterpoint planned for each one already. There was no use debating. "Seeing the look on your face when you realized what it was, that _was_ your gift to me. "

Blushing, I looked down and saw our hands, our entwined fingers gliding as one over the strings. "Do you want me to teach you to play?" I asked, my eyes never leaving our hands.

"Someday," he whispered, and when I looked up, I saw he was watching our hands as well. "When you come home."

"Deal."

Our hands stopped, and Edward looked back up at me."I do have a favor though," he said, taking his hand out from under mine, leaving mine to suddenly feel cold.

"Anything."

Putting his hands in his lap, he leaned forward a bit. "Play for me." The blush that had already colored my cheeks deepened.

"You want to go downstairs, play the piano?" I suggested, getting ready to get off the bed, but his hand on my arm stopped me.

"No, here, play for me here." Nodding, I resumed my position and put the Hummingbird on lap. She felt as though she had been there all my life, easily coming to life under my skilled calloused touch. For a few moments, I played a few random bars, just getting the feel of her in my arms before I began to strum a few notes that made me laugh. Winking at Edward, I began to sing.

"I want you to want me

I need you to need me

I love you to love me

I'm beggin' you to beg me."

Even in the dark of the room, the red of his cheeks was easily seen. After finishing the chorus, I played a few more notes while Edward watched and listened.

"Any requests?" I asked him, nudging his leg with my foot. Shaking his head, he just gave me a faint smile while I continued to play.

"Jasper, you know you're my best friend, right?" His voice was solemn. Without even realizing it, Edward had just requested a song. I watched my fingers softly pluck the strings, and words I hadn't sung in years came out of my mouth.

"When your down and troubled  
And you need a helping hand  
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.  
Close your eyes and think of me  
And soon I will be there  
To brighten up even your darkest nights.  
You just call out my name,  
And you know where ever I am  
I'll come running, oh yeah baby  
To see you again.  
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,  
All you have to do is call  
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.  
You've got a friend."

Looking up at Edward, I almost lost it. His moonlit face was damp from the tears quietly running down his cheeks, he made no move to hide them, or even wipe them away. His only response was to clench his jaw as he tried to ward off more from falling. Before the first tear fell from my eye, I continued the next verse, forcing my mind to concentrate on the lyrics, and not on the ache in my chest.

"If the sky above you  
Should turn dark and full of clouds  
And that old north wind should begin to blow  
Keep your head together and call my name out loud  
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.  
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am  
I'll come running to see you again.  
Winter, spring, summer or fall  
All you got to do is call  
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.  
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?  
People can be so cold.  
They'll hurt you and desert you.  
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.  
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.  
You just call out my name and you know wherever I am  
I'll come running to see you again."

At the end of the song, my voice was broken and barely above a whisper, and I almost didn't make it through the entire song. My eyes had never left his as I sang, both of us letting silent tears fall, neither of us embarrassed by our emotions. Never had I seen his eyes so dark, so fucking green, even though his glint was still present, it wasn't the mischievous one I was accustomed, it was one of something much deeper, something representing the bond we shared.

I knew exactly what it was, I felt it too. Just as much and just as strong. Evidence of this dampening my cheeks with each word I sang, each clench of my chest at the thought of not being with him for a month.

Because when you stripped it all away, the lust and desire for each other's bodies, we were still best friends, perhaps even soul mates. Our bond transcended the physical passion we shared, and no matter where we would go or who we might be with, I could honestly say that Edward would always and forever be a part of me.

We sat in silence, with only the beats of our hearts between us. Long after his face had dried, he reached over and cupped my face. "That was…" his began to choke on his words, and he stopped to gather himself. "Thank you."

It was all he needed to say, I already knew everything else. Leaning into his hand, I covered it with mine. "Ready for bed?" It was still early, before nine, but I wanted nothing more than to lay with Edward with nothing between us, not my even new guitar, for the rest of the night.

I needed him closer.

Standing up, he held out his hand and I handed him my guitar, which he gently placed against my dresser, the light from outside off reflected off her shiny surface. Then he turned to me and held out his hand again, I took it and got off the bed to stand before him. Without a word, I lifted my arms and he grabbed the hem of my tee shirt and slid it over my head, letting it fall to the floor beside us. I returned the favor to him, unable to resist placing a kiss on his chiseled chest once it was bare. My hands were on his jeans, undoing his button and zipper, as he did the same to me. We continued to undress each other, neither of us speaking a word, but a few moans escaped us as hands ghosted over sensitive skin and hardening erections. It didn't take his touch to make me hard, or even the sight of his naked body; it was simply that fact that he was near me that made me want him.

Turning, Edward pulled our sheets down and climbed under them, leaning his back against the headboard, he invited me between his legs. Laying my back against his chest, his arms immediately wrapped around me, holding me tightly to him, groaning at the sensation of his erection pressed against my back. Resting my head on his shoulder, I took his hands in mine and tangled our fingers together. He sighed, his breath grazing my ear as he released it, and I don't think I had ever felt safer, more comfortable, more…loved.

"Edward?" I finally broke our silence.

"Yes?" he licked the shell of my ear, sending a shiver throughout my entire body.

"The way you make me feel is…just perfect." I couldn't find another word to describe how I felt with him, it _was_ just perfection.

"Me too. When I'm alone with you, Jasper, everything's okay, no matter what else is going on in my life, when it is just you and me; I know it will all work out."

_It will all work out_.

What did Edward want out of his life? I knew he wanted to be a doctor, to help people, especially children, but rarely had he mentioned what he wanted in his personal life. Did it include me, where did he see our future together?

"Edward?" I brought our hands up to my lips and kissed them.

"Yes?" he traced my shell again, and I could hear the slight chuckle in his voice at my repetitiveness.

"What do you want?" I meant to ask more, to ask what he wanted out of life, but it came out more broad, perhaps my fear protecting me from hearing that I wasn't included in his future.

"You."

My heart skipped a beat, my fear put to rest for eternity with just that one word. However, I needed to know more.

"What else?" I asked tentatively. He answer was immediate, certain.

"Just you," he whispered.

Sighing, I smiled and tilted my head so he could kiss his way down my neck. It wasn't sexual, it was tender and caring. Again, silence encircled us. This surprised me, I thought on our last night together, we would be eager to talk, to fill the night with all the things that needed to be said, that we wanted to say. However, it wasn't like that, I realized what was being said was so much more than verbal, it was in the way he held me, the way I kissed him, the way we were comfortable naked in body and soul.

It was his turn to break the silence. "I'm jealous of Bella."

"Why?" I leaned to my side a bit and turned my head to see him better. His profile was nothing less than breathtaking, his strong jaw covered in his nightly scruff, his lips were full and pouty, and his slightly imperfect nose was strong and proud. Feeling my eyes on him, he blushed and looked at me.

"I wanted to sleep with you under the starry Texas sky." I brought a hand up to his cheek.

"You will be." I gave him a soft kiss. "Every night, you will be."

"Please…" It was all he said, and yet it meant so much.

"Please what?"

Taking a deep breath, he gazed at me, his bottom lip sticking out as he considered his request. "Please come back to me, Jasper. I fear I will be broken without you."

"Of course I'm coming back, Edward."

Trying to lighten the mood, he smiled. "Don't run off with Petey." He demanded more than requested.

"Are you jealous?" He blushed at my words, which apparently hit a bit too close to home, his irrational fear that my former best friend would find his way back into the number one spot. How Edward could not realize that he held that spot in my heart for the rest of my life, I don't know.

"Just promise."

"Baby, I promise with all that I am, that I will come back to you." This time my kiss wasn't soft, it was demanding, forcing him to believe my words, my heart, when I told him I would return to him-more complete than when I left.

"You were wrong earlier. I'm not the most courageous person, Edward, you are." He leaned his head against mine while our fingers constantly played with each other, tracing, squeezing, and holding.

"See…that's what I am going to miss." Remaining silent, I waited for him to continue on his own. "How you make me feel complete with just a few words. How do you do that?"

Shrugging, I shifted my weight a bit, and felt his cock twitch against my back. "Magic." I answered, not sure I was referring to his question or the feeling his body brought to mine. He moaned, and slightly thrust his hips up into me, pressing his growing erection against me. His hips were at my lobe, sucking it between, nibbling it before releasing and murmuring in my ear.

"Then you are fucking Hudini." Groaning as his moist breath fell across my cheek, I turned and parted my lips for him. I'm not sure there was anything that could compare to the feeling of kissing Edward, actually, his lips anywhere on my body was enough to send my heart racing, and it wasn't long before our kiss had turned from soft and tender to passionate. Twisting my body, I sat up, straddling his thighs, our cocks twitching as they came in contact with each other. Resting my hands back on his knees, I slowly pushed my hips forward, letting my length rub along his. With my head lulled back, I groaned.

Seriously, nothing, _nothing, _beat being naked with Edward.

"Feel good?" he asked in a deep husky voice. With the force I bit down on my lip, I thought it would start to bleed.

"Fuck yeah." I was such an eloquent speaker during the height of passion. However, I was about to discover a new height as I felt Edward's hand on me, and realized he held both our cocks in his hand and began pumping furiously up and down, rubbing them together. My hips wantonly pumped into his fist, the sensation of his cock rubbing against mine sending fucking lightning bolts through every cell in body. I had never felt such physical intensity, and as my balls quickly began to tighten and the rush of pleasure began to spread throughout my loins, I forced my eyes open and saw Edward on the edge of his own climax, eyes closed with his lip between his teeth, his chest heaving, and cheeks flushed.

"Fuck, Jasper," he moaned, bucking his hips up into his own hand as much as he could with my weight on him. "Feels so good…"

"Baby," I gasped, my hands on his shoulders for leverage as my body began to feel weak. Slowly, his eyes opened, hooded and dark with lust, his glint was back to mischievous. "So close…" Nodding, he tightened his hand around us, spreading and mixing our precum with each stroke. "Come with me please…"

"I want to watch you come, Jasper. I want to remember it while you're gone."

The thought of Edward thinking of me while he lay in his bed stroking himself was enough to propel me over the edge, and my stomach muscles clenched in anticipation. "Edward," I cried out, my body convulsing as I my orgasm ripped through my body, shooting milky fluid over his chest.

"Oh God, Jasper…" he panted, reaching up with one hand to bring my lips down to his. Just as our lips touched, he grunted into my mouth and I felt his climax hit him hard, his muscles flexing on my touch, his cock erupting with hot cum over his chest and stomach, mixing with my own. We continued to kiss as we rode out the waves of our orgasms.

I collapsed on him, letting my heart slow down to a semi-regular beat. Placing kisses along his shoulder and collarbone, I took keep breaths. "That was…." I was at a loss for words, so I stopped and let the sweat of his body cover mine, our orgasms mingling between our sticky bodies.

"Amazing?" he filled in my blank.

"More than." We lay for a few minutes, just holding each other, letting our bodies return to their pre-orgasmic state. "Shower?" I mumbled on top of him, his fingertips running up and down my spine lulling me to sleep.

He shook his head and spoke in a hushed tone, "No, let's just clean up real quick. I don't want to let you go even to shower." Agreeing, I lifted my head and pushed myself off him. Leaning over the edge of the bed, I reached down and grabbed my tee shirt. Using it to wipe our chests and stomachs off, I cleaned up as much as I could before tossing it back on the floor.

"Thanks," he smiled at me. I slid by body down his, pulling him with me until we were both on our sides facing each other. Hooking one leg over his hip, I pulled him close, and he wedged one of his legs between mine. One of my hands was in his hair at the nape of his neck, letting the pieces thread through while my other hand held his tightly between us. I felt like I was crushing his fingers until I realized he was holding mine just as tight.

We didn't want to ever let go.

Our bodies were sated as we lay staring at each other, every now and then kissing or sighing. With our hands together, he began tracing a pattern on my chest over my heart. Suddenly, he blushed and glanced down at our hands.

"What do you keep it?" he asked quietly. It was the first time either of us had spoken since getting laying down. Furrowing my brows, I studied his face, considering his question.

"Keep what?" I had to ask, feeling clueless.

"My heart. You stole my heart, Jasper. Where do you keep it?" There was no doubt he was being completely sincere, and I could only return the favor.

Forcing his eyes back up to mine, I told him the truth. "Same place you keep my soul." I kissed the tear that fell down his cheek away.

Our hearts and souls were no longer our own, his were mine and mine were his, and while we were separated, they would be stored away together, somewhere safe until we were reunited.

"I am going to miss you so fucking much, Jasper." They feel freely now, even without the guitar in my hand and words of devoted friendship, we both let them fall without shame.

"Me too, baby, me too," I sighed heavily.

"I was thinking, if you don't mind, I want to sleep in our bed while you're gone."

"_Our_ bed…I like the sound of that." I had been calling it our bed since the weekend Bella had gone away. My heart swelled at the idea of Edward thinking of it as 'our' bed as well. Kissing his chin, I mumbled into his warm scruffy skin. "I fucking love the idea of you in our bed."

Warm fingers guided our hands up the charm resting at my neck. Gently, he picked it up.

"Make me another promise?"

"Besides not running off with Petey?" I chuckled, making him smile.

"Yes, besides that," he retorted quickly. "Promise that you won't take this off and…"

"And?" I pressed, bringing his eyes back up to mine.

"When you look at it, think of me…every day." He sniffed, his breath catching his throat. Kissing his lips, I let my tongue trace them, lingering there to pick up the salty taste of his tears.

"Every minute of every day." I swallowed, surprised at how difficult it was to get the words out. The reality of me leaving the next day finally hit me. Four weeks without Edward. Since we had met, we had barely gone twenty-four hours without at least seeing each other, and now it was going to be more than twenty-four days.

Looking into his eyes and seeing the turmoil I was brining to him by leaving, I realized I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave him. Bella would understand. Our hands, damp from our tears, clenched each others' between us. Pushing my hair from my face, he smiled sadly.

"I wish I could read your mind, knew what you were thinking," he dreamed wistfully.

"Don't let me go, Edward." It was exactly what I was thinking, if he didn't let me go, I would be able to stay with him, guilt free for having backed out.

Edward answered with his truth, with our truth, one that would help me get through the month without him. "Love, I'm not letting you go. You will always be with me, no matter where you are. It doesn't matter if you are in this room in our bed, or under a Texas sky, you are with me…always."

He had done it again, brought be back from the brink. Only a few minutes prior, I had been convinced I couldn't do it alone, my confidence clawing for something to grasp and then after a few whispered words of his, I realized I would be okay.

It would hurt like fucking hell, but it was something I needed to do. I needed the closure I never got, I needed to say goodbye to my home, to Petey and close the chapter of my childhood so I could move with my future.

With my Edward.

"Jasper, we can call or text every day. We will be separated by miles and geography only. You'll be okay…we'll be okay."

"You sound like Jake," I chuckled. Playfully, he rolled his eyes.

Words were no longer necessary between us. I pulled him even tighter to me, our bodies completely entangled and flushed against each other. Slowly, my eyes drifted close, my head nestled in the crook of his warm neck.

There, safe in Edward's arms, he began to hum, and I couldn't help but smile through my tears when I recognize the song as the one I had sang earlier.

_You just call out my name and you know wherever I am  
I'll come running to see you again_

As my mind began to float into unconsciousness, my last thoughts were of Edward, as they always were, and I swear I heard him reply.

_I love you, Edward_

"Me too…always, Jasper."

"**~~**"

Thank you for reading!

Also, a huge, huge thank you to everyone that voted for **Mergers and Acquisitions** for the Slash/Backslash contest, M&A has made it to the final round, should you want to vote again, all entries can be found here: http: // www. fanfiction. net/u/2110516/Slash_Backslash (remove spaces)

I am humbled by the support the story has received, and I look forward to continuing it after the conclusion of the contest.


	9. Lost Without You

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-Dannie insists that I warn you all of some angst ahead. This was not a planned outtake, but when I was chatting with Dannie one night, it came to me, so here it is. It is probably the one and only time we see this pov.

Hugs to C Me Smile, who did a quickie turn around on this chapter for me.

Huge hugs and apologies to **Dannie**-I'm so sorry I did this to your Perfectward.

I am incredibly honored by the comments feedback these outtakes have received, each word of every review makes me smile, I love how well loved the boys are, thank you all so much. You are all the best! *group hug*

"****~~**"**

Lost Without You

Location: Seattle, WA (Miserable)

"****~~**"**

Without you I'll be miserable at best  
You're all that I hoped to find  
In every single way  
And everything I would give  
Is everything you couldn't take  
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away  
And the hardest part of living  
Is just taking breaths to stay~Matchbox Romance

"****~~**"**

_Epov_

My back was to the nightstand, the warm humid air caressed my bare skin as the sheet bunched up around my hips. Before, I might have enjoyed the sensation of the cool cotton against my body, and perhaps even have let my hand wander down to my morning erection.

But there was no morning wood today. My cock was soft, limp…useless without him.

I didn't need to roll over to see the time.

The clock would be blinking the same it did every morning, mocking me and my inability to sleep.

Alone.

Each morning I woke up after intermittent sleep, and for a few brilliant, amazing seconds, I would forget he was gone. Then reality would slam into me, unforgiving in my grief, and in the loneliness that settled deep within me and refused to leave.

At first, I fought it. I went to work, I studied, and I went about my boring daily life. After three days, I was waving the fucking white flag, surrendering to the pain that had gripped my heart so tight it hurt to taking a fucking breath.

I fucking missed him.

Groaning, I rolled over onto my stomach and buried my face into his pillow, inhaling his muted sweet scent deeply into my lungs in an attempt to breathe some life back into me. With each deep breath I took, I begged to borrow his strength, just enough to get me through the day without him. Enough to keep me going until I could get back home and return to our bed.

Slowly prying my eyes open, I ignore the pain that shoots through my head at the reintroduction of the new day.

Even though dawn had risen, no sun streams through our window.

No sun has shined since he left.

Two fucking very long weeks ago today.

That was the worst day of my life. Watching my lover, with my best friend by his side, drive away from me as I stood there helpless in the early morning mist. Like some Lifetime movie, I had been tempted to run after him, beg him to stay with me, to not take his love away. But I just stood there, numbly waving as the red truck got smaller and smaller. Even after it was out of my vision, I remained, clinging to the hope that he would change his mind and turn around.

Return to me…to us.

After several minutes, I slowly realized he wasn't coming back, the tears on my cheeks grieving for the loss of my hope as it died a quick and painful death.

Wiping my eyes, I had turned and walked back to the house, the ache already crushing my chest with the weight of his leaving.

The only positive thing in my life was my work.

I can't deny that I enjoyed my internship at the hospital; it really had turned into a great opportunity for me. The patients and doctors kept me busy most days and shadowing my father on his daily rounds had quickly become my favorite part. The light that shined in his eyes as he cared for each patient, gently holding their hands while they complained or thanked him for helping them inspired me. It was what kept me getting up day after day to face the mundane routine even when I didn't think I could take another hour, much less another twenty-four. Working with my father and his colleagues was fulfilling, but each day as I woke up alone, ate alone, and came home to an empty house, I questioned if it was all worth it.

Every night when I undressed and crawled naked into our bed, I would lay in the dark silence, listening to nothing but the sounds of the summer night outside our window while sleep eluded me, never allowing me to fall blissfully into the darkness, never allowing me the relief I longed for from the pain. Instead, sleep would sit at my side, close enough to reach out and touch, but never close enough to embrace me completely, only a teasing brush of blackness before the light rudely called me back.

I was broken.

My body was with me, a vessel to get what was left of my heart and soul through the day. The rest of me, the important part of me, was over two thousand miles away.

I never knew someone could ache so much.

Days off like this were the worst. Without the distraction of work, my mind had nothing to do but dwell on the emptiness of the house, of my fucking soul.

Sighing, I rolled over and glanced at the clock.

Fucking five thirty.

It was useless to stay in bed. The pain of being in our bed alone almost overwhelmed the comfort I gained from sleeping where we had spent our last night together. Clenching my eyes to both recall and suppress the memories of his expression when he saw the guitar, how his eyes light up when he realized what it was, or his voice low with sadness as he sang, his warm body pressed against my back, his strong thighs straddling my hips as he called out my name when he came.

Pushing the heels of my palms against my eyes, I forced myself to build a resolve, even if just a brief one to get me through the next hour.

It was how I lived now, hour to hour. By the end of the four weeks, it would be minute to minute.

Sitting up, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, and after sitting for a minute, I felt strong enough to get up. My phone sat on the nightstand next to the clock and my fingers literally twitched with the need to pick it up and call him. If only to hear his sleepy voice say hello.

I just needed to hear his voice.

Who the fuck was I kidding? I needed much more than his voice.

I just fucking needed him. All of him.

No, I would resist calling him for as long as possible. The entire reason for the trip was to regain what he and Bella had lost due to her relationship with Jake. Certainly, calling to check on him, to just hear his fucking voice, would not be beneficial to what he was trying to accomplish with her.

In the dark, I made my way to his bathroom naked. I could have easily gone to my bathroom, but mine lacked…him.

Lacked his presence.

It was everywhere in his bathroom. From his green cup, to his electric razor, to the towels hanging on the back of his door, even in the odd-colored bathmat he had chosen.

In his shower, I turned on the water, forcing it as hot as my body could tolerate, the heat and mist enveloping Jasper's essence around me as I used his body wash and shampoo. The shower was my favorite part of the day, it was where I felt the least guilty when the tears would fall, the water from the showerhead blending with them, carrying them down my body, not leaving behind any evidence of their existence.

Like a robot, I went through my morning routine, a ritual to get me through the day. After my shower, I dried off and threw on my jeans before going to Jasper's dresser. Opening one of his drawers, I shuffled through his shirts before spotting the one I wanted to wear. The cotton was soft in my hands as I slid the shirt over my head and down my body. As I did every morning, I pulled the material up to my nose and took a deep breath.

Disappointed when it smelled more of detergent and softener instead of his scent, I continued with my ritual. Releasing the shirt, I whispered, "Morning, love," and closed my eyes, picturing Jasper in front of me, waves of his hair in his face, damp from his shower as he smiled at me, his full lips pulled into a dimpled grin. Reaching up, I would push his hair from his face before pulling him down for a kiss, wanting to feel the satin texture of those plush lips on mine.

I loved the rare mornings when we didn't have to rush, when we could be ourselves, and take our time waking up, untangling our limbs from one another slowly. Like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, we would stretch languidly, our hands fluttering over each other, always ending up where we desired them most, before finally escaping the safety of the bed to spread our wings for the day.

I always flew higher when he was by my side.

Now I wanted nothing more than to be in the cocoon again, because not only was I not flying high, but I felt like any minute I was going to get snared in a net, unable to break free.

Closing the drawer, I glanced over at his laundry and realized I was going to have to do it soon. He had taken some clothes with him, but he and Bella had packed light, figuring they could stop to do laundry and would be buying some items on the road.

The first few days after he had left, I had worn a shirt from his basket, one he had worn and smelled of him so strongly that I felt like he was next to me. However, after three days of consistent wear, I was forced to toss it back into the dirty laundry.

Sighing, I left our room and headed down the stairs.

I had put off going to the kitchen as long as possible.

I fucking hated the kitchen.

Ironically enough it used to be one of my favorite rooms. It was where we would gather after each day, while Bella and I would cook, Jasper would watch, often in awe, and we would talk about our day. We reconnected there every night.

Jasper and I had reconnected there in a very different way.

As I stood barefoot in front of the marble counter, I remembered the cool, hard stone against my ass as I had sat on it while Jasper kissed me, right before he pulled me off and lowered himself to his knees.

I had never expected anything could be so…fucking amazing.

The warmth of his lips, the silkiness of his tongue, the way his eyes looked up at me from under his lashes. When he had taken me into his mouth for the first time, I thought my entire body would burst from sheer pleasure. Admittedly, I had been eager for that day to arrive, the one where he felt comfortable enough in our relationship to perform such an intimate act. Each time we were together, his confidence in us built, each time he pushed his boundaries, expanding them bit by bit. I was patient, I would take whatever boundaries he wanted to set, and when he was ready to leap over them, well, fuck, I gladly followed his lead.

His embarrassment over gagging or pulling away when I came was one of the most fucking adorable things I had ever seen. The blush, the shyness, his shame over not being perfect.

How did he not understand it _was_ perfect? There was not one second of him being on his knees for me that wasn't perfection.

Fuck, there wasn't one second of being in his presence that wasn't perfection.

Forcing my eyes from the countertop, I glanced at the toaster and couldn't help but smile. It was one of the few times I smiled each day.

However, the hardest place to look was not the toaster, but rather the dull black pot that sat alone on the stovetop. The morning he and Bella had left, after he hadn't turned around, I had come into the kitchen. Kneeling before the stove, I had opened the drawer and pulled out his spaghetti pot before standing and setting it on the shiny black surface of the stove, just where it had been when he had cooked bacon in it.

The pot hadn't moved in two weeks.

The pot represented my life; black, empty and not moving.

Finally, I opened the refrigerator, standing in front of the cold glow while trying to decide what looked appetizing. I had eaten like shit since Jazz had left, my appetite was little to nothing. The thought of cooking something made my stomach queasy, so I grabbed the milk, a bowl, and a box of cereal from the counter. Sitting down at the island, I poured the cereal and milk, and digging my spoon in, I lifted the food to my mouth.

I tasted nothing.

The sugary rush I usually got from cereal never hit, instead, the tiny pieces tasted dull and dry. It was complete silence with the exception of my own chewing. I attempted to finish half the bowl before finally giving up and tossing the rest into the trash.

At least I had made it through more than the day before I began to feel nauseous. I saw that as improvement. Eager to get out of the kitchen, I walked into the living room and considered turning the on television.

But nothing was worth watching.

Instead, I went over to my piano. Even though dust coated the black wood, it stood proudly waiting for me to sit and play, but I wanted nothing more than to curl up under it, letting it cover me in its dusty blackness, protect me while I nursed my wounds. Although, there were no bandages for the wounds I felt, there would be no healing until the one I missed was in my arms again.

Sitting on the bench, I let my fingers caress the black and white keys, the cool ivory soothing against my skin. Pressing random keys, off notes burst through the silent room, through my silent heart. It was my routine, to sit and touch the keys while pondering what song to play.

I don't know why I fucking bothered to even think about another song.

I always played the same song.

I would play only one song until he returned.

Sighing, I allowed my fingers to play the first few notes before stopping. Gasping for breath, I wrapped my arms around my stomach, hoping to hold together the gaping hole that had been created by the notes. I leaned my head down to rest on the piano as I let my body rock back and forth in effort to salve the hole, stitch it temporarily so I could continue.

Sheer, utter pain.

It hit me every time I began the song. Only it was worse, sharper and more intense than ever before.

Closing my eyes, I saw him sitting on our bed before me, his arms holding his new guitar as he sang to me. I saw him sitting between my legs on the bench while my arms encircled his waist as we stroked the keys together, making beautiful music. I saw him dancing shirtless, his hips swaying to the bass as the music coursed through the building. I saw him lying in my arms, his cheeks wet from tears as I hummed our song to him, coaxing him to sleep.

I saw him as mine, giving himself to me.

I saw him mouthing the words 'I love you, Edward' right before sleep claimed him from me.

I had lain next to him all night, never once closing my eyes for fear of morning coming too soon. All night I held him, clutching his warm body to mine, stroking his hair and whispering our lyrics in his ear. As he slept, I watched over him, his guardian angel one last night, praying that someone worthy would take over my watch for the next four weeks.

_Bella._

It was up to her to keep him together, keep him sane and make sure he accomplished what he needed to do in Texas. I was depending on her more than I ever had before. My life was literally in her hands. I had told her this the morning they left, whispering the words to her as I hugged her during our goodbye.

_Please return him to me safe and sound._

She promised, smiling sadly up at me as I kissed her forehead.

In his absence, I had found out what I was made of. It wasn't flesh and bone and muscle. I was made up of Jasper and our collective moments together, some short, some long, but always together. It was these moments that kept the air in my lungs.

I needed those moments.

Before I realized it, I was standing in front of the mantel over the fireplace. My fingers skimming over the pictures framed there. Moments of time captured by my mother smiled back at me. Bella, Alice, Jasper and I dressed for Prom, Jasper and I at one of the Christmas parties making faces in front the lit tree, Bella and I sitting on the porch on a summer day eating ice cream cones, the four of us dressed for Halloween. Jasper looked striking in his Confederate uniform with his arms around me and Bella while Alice laughed at something I had said.

Settling on the last one, my favorite, framed in a plain wood, I picked it up and examined it. I don't remember how old we were, but it was a few years ago. Jasper and I were outside in the snow, our cheeks flushed from the cold, our arms draped around each other's shoulders. His blue eyes fucking pierced through the honey curls that hung in front of his beautiful face while he grinned, showing off his dimples to my mother. Next to him, my grin was just as big, my hair sticking up everywhere, damp from the snowball fight we just finished. Only I wasn't looking at my mother, I was looking at him with eyes bright with the emotions I felt for him.

Anyone else looking at the picture would see two friends having fun.

I saw one boy madly in love with another.

And I was so fucking lost without that boy.

Walking back over the bench, I never took my eyes off his as I sat back down, setting the framed image gently on the top of the piano. Placing it just right, I smiled at our faces and whispered to him.

"This is for you, love."

With more strength now that he was near me, I started to play. The notes began to come easier, the pain in my chest easing as I kept my eyes on his smiling face. Filling the air with song, my piano kept me company, supporting me with the music she helped me make.

With tears streaming down my face and falling onto the ivory keys under my hands, I began to sing, as I did every day.

"When your down and troubled  
And you need a helping hand  
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.  
Close your eyes and think of me  
And soon I will be there  
To brighten up even your darkest nights.  
You just call out my name,  
And you know where ever I am  
I'll come running, oh yeah baby  
To see you again.  
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,  
All you have to do is call  
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.  
You've got a friend."

By the end of the first verse, my voice was almost a whisper, but I continued.

As fucking hard as it was, I continued.

Just like I would every day until he was home.

Until I was whole again.

As the last note faded, the silence once again welcoming me back into the world of loneliness, I hung my head and just let them fall.

There was no fucking use trying to stop them anyway.

The ring of my phone startled me, giving me one more minute of light from the darkness I was about to walk into. Pulling it from my pocket, I grinned when I saw his name.

Of course he called, he had heard me.

_All you got to do is call  
And I'll be there_

It had been his promise to me.

"Hey, love," I answered, unable to keep the smile or tremble out of my voice.

"Hi, baby," he sighed, I could hear the relief in his voice as much as my own. I knew he hurt as much as I did. Of this, I had no doubt. "I was just thinking about you." I recognized the hidden sadness in his voice all too well, having become accustomed to disguising it myself.

"I was just thinking about you too," I whispered as I slid my fingers along the keys of the piano, thanking them for getting me through one more hour.

"You were?" his voice sounded hopeful, as if he thought this separation was only affecting him. I wanted to tell him how lost and useless I was without him, but I couldn't. There was no way I would ask him to return early for me. I would make it by going through the motions each day until he walked into our house again, all smiles and hugs.

"Always, Jasper."

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading!

A huge, huge thank you to everyone that read and voted for Mergers and Acquisitions, as it came in second place in the Slash/Backslash contest, out of 60+ entries. I was shocked, speechless and excited. We have already begun the next chapter of Mergerward and Escortsper.

I'm thrilled to announce that Dannie and I have partnered up to host a contest called Devirginizing Edward. Details can be found here http :// www . fanfiction . net/u/2180161/Devirginizing_Edward (remove spaces). So, get busy writing Edward gettin' busy for his first time!


	10. Call Me

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-Some fluff to keep the boys happy while they are separated. We are back to Jpov.

My lovely beta is busy to the bone, so this chapter is unbeta'd, all mistakes, grammar and otherwise are my own.

Huge hugs to **Dannie**-I'm trying to fix Perfectward for you, hope this helps.

This chapter is dedicated to someone very special, in remembrance of payphone fail. Love you, baby.

I am incredibly honored by the comments feedback these outtakes have received, each word of every review makes me smile, I love how well loved the boys are, thank you all so much. You are all the best! *group hug*

"****~~****

Call Me

Location: Abilene, TX (Homesick)

"****~~****

The stars are dancin' on the water here tonight  
It's gonna fall a soul when there's not a soul in sight  
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life now I'm alive and well

And today you know that's good enough for me  
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can't you see  
Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive  
And well...I'm alive and well ~Dave Matthews/Kenny Chesney

**"**~~****

The television was muted as I rested my back against the fake paneled headboard of the bed, pillows propped up behind me, legs stretched out in front me with my bare feet crossed at the ankles. My fingers played with the smooth silver charm on the leather band around my neck. The longer I had been gone, the more I found myself touching the pendant, tracing the symbol as my mind would automatically wander back to the night it had been given to me.

If I closed my eyes and concentrated, I could not only see his beautiful face, but hear his soothing voice, its deep, husky tone resonating through me even though he was thousands of miles away.

"_You are the most courageous person I know, Jasper. You gave up so much to stay with me."_

He was wrong. I was not courageous. I was weak, dealing with the hurt each minute that passed a bit less easy than the one before it.

He had thought I had given up so much to stay with him. I would have given up a lot more than a college scholarship in order to keep him happy and safe.

On table beside me, my cell sat mocking me, fucking begging me to pick it up and dial the number it knew I wanted to call. I had tried to give Edward some space, I knew he was working hard at hospital and putting in some fucking long hours. After we had first left, we talked to him every day, sometimes more than once, but after we had been gone for a week, the calls had almost ceased. We figured he was overwhelmed with work and we didn't want to call and disturb his rare chances to sleep.

While I knew that was the right choice, it didn't take the sting of not hearing his voice every day away. I had no shame in admitting I desperately missed him.

A fucking lot.

Nothing had hurt more than driving down the street, watching Edward in my rearview mirror, the battle of whether or not to come after me visible in his movements. "Please," I had mouthed to myself, willing myself not to cry in front of Bella.

_Please come after me. _

_Please don't come after me. _

_Please don't let me go._

_Please let me go. _

In the end, he had chosen to remain fixed, his body not betraying his heart's desire to stop me. He had known I needed to return to Texas, and so had I, but as the hours passed and the silence in the truck had grown thick with tension, I had rethought my decision more than once. Almost every second of that long drive had been devoted to him, my thoughts rarely straying from his eyes, his smile, his laugh, or his spirit

The night before Bella and I had left, Edward and I had spent the night together, falling asleep completely wrapped up in each other. As sleep had begun to overtake me, his humming lulling me into its numb state, I had only one thought.

I loved him.

Honestly, I think I had known for awhile, perhaps even as far back as the summer of our junior year when he had told me about him and Bella. When the jealousy had raged throughout me, I debated if it was because they had shared a secret I was not privy too, or because he had shared something with her and not me. She had a part of him that would forever be hers and not mine.

And Edward was mine.

And I was his.

You question some things in life, people come and go and as each one enters, you wonder, will we always be friends, enemies, or anything beyond.

The day Edward had walked into my life and stood up for me against Newton, I immediately knew we would be beyond friends. Perhaps at the time, I hadn't realized the extent of what the 'beyond friends' meant, but I had known he would forever own a part of me, that in some way our lives would always be entangled.

The first few hours after leaving, I had had his strength, his faith in me and us, that I carried deep inside my heart to get me through the long days without him. The drive to Texas had been long, and so fucking lonely.

It had taken me days after leaving Seattle before I could think of him without tears threatening me. I had tried hard to keep it together in front of Bella, but there were times I had locked myself in the stall of a truck stop restroom to let the caged emotions escape me in private. Reaching in my back pocket, I would pull out my wallet, opening it to a picture of Edward and me.

Mrs. C had given it to me before we had moved to Seattle. It was of me and Edward outside in the snow. We had just finished a snowball fight, and we stood next to each other with our arms slung around the other's shoulders. Cheeks flushed from the cold air, my hair hung in front of my eyes while Edward's was sticking up everywhere, damp from the snow. We were both grinning, me at Mrs. C and Edward at me. Even in his profile, I could see the brilliant green of his eyes, their light bright and angelic.

Most people would have looked at the picture and seen two friends having a great time.

I saw one boy in love with the other

And I was totally lost without him.

As the sobs had silently hit me, I had stood with my head resting on my arms crossed against the stall's metal wall. Taking as much time as I had thought I could get away to indulge in my misery before I would exit and splash cold water on my face in hopes of hiding some of the redness.

When I climbed back into the truck, Bella had eyed me suspiciously before reaching over and covering my hand with hers in a sympathetic gesture.

The tension between Bella and I had been palpable. From snapping at each other radio stations, to bickering about Jake, to fighting over where to eat, it seemed we could agree on nothing. It was in those short moments after I would return to the truck with red eyes and she offered me comfort that gave me hope that things would work between us, that we could repair what had been damaged. I don't think she knew the extent of my longing but she offered sympathy regardless.

The tension finally broke on our third night on the road when I had gone into a store to pay for some gas and had come out to find Bella in danger. Keeping her safe and sound, as I had promised Edward I would, was first and foremost in my mind, and certainly far above and beyond concerns of my own safety. As I had approached the men, I had held out hope we could just get in the truck and drive away. The closer I got, I had realized that was unlikely, and when they turned to face me, I knew it was going to hurt.

And, fuck, did it hurt.

Ten days later and I was still sporting the bruises from their repeated punches.

As much as the injuries hurt, their pain was nothing compared to how much I had yearned for Edward's arms around me that night instead of Bella's. She was sweet and helpful and caring, but she…she wasn't Edward.

I would taken more pain to have had it been his fingers caressing my colored flesh, his soothing touch washing away the dried blood, his voice assuring me everything would be okay. As I had fallen asleep that night wrapped up in Bella arms, I imagined Edward's warm hard body next to me, his fingers in my hair, his voice lulling me into a comfortable sleep.

The fight in the parking had turned out to be a catalyst for Bella and me. We had finally started to talk more, even discussing Jake's proposal. Each day, I saw the conflict in her when she spoke with him, the decision weighing heavily on her mind the longer we were gone. She rarely mentioned him, and honestly, I didn't mind. It was no secret he was not my favorite person, although I couldn't say why. I felt Bella deserved better, someone worthy of her generous heart and soul.

Her perfect mate was…well honestly, it was Edward.

He already loved her, they had even been lovers. Many times I had witnessed the looks their shared, the small touches of affection, the lingering hugs. While it might have been my body that turned Edward on, there was no doubt that Bella was in his heart as much, if not more, than me.

My fingers clasped the charm between them, tightening their grip as I glanced at my cell phone again. I resisted picking it up, instead I forced my attention to the television.

I couldn't call him, he needed his sleep.

Clenching my eyes, I sighed.

I was so fucking weak.

It only rang once before I heard the most beautiful sound in the world.

"Hey, love."

Immediately, my tense body relaxed. Two words and I simply melted, every muscle suddenly calmed, every thought now clearly focused at the sound of him.

"Hey, baby," I sighed, unable to keep the sadness from my voice. While I heard relief in his voice, I heard a tremble there too, the result of the worry escaping his body. "I was just thinking about you," I admitted. Since our last night, I rarely held back my feelings for him.

"I was just thinking about you too," he whispered. My heart raced in hope at his admission.

"You were?" I asked, letting the rush of hope seep into my voice.

"Every fucking minute of every day."

Again, I sighed. He was fucking magic. His words, and the blatant power behind them, were just as powerful as his touch. Certainly my body was highly affected by his, it craved the slightest brush of his fingers or lips, as he had said 'every fucking minute of ever day' but it was my heart that ached during our separation, an ache that could only be relieved by the salve of his voice.

I needed more. So much more.

I cleared my throat, hoping to sound more casual and less desperate. "So, what are you doing?" As soon as the words left me, I chuckled at how I cliché they sounded.

Almost like a phone sex ad.

My cock twitched at the thought of sex, phone and Edward all in vicinity of each other.

The irony was not lost on him, as I heard him chuckle too. "I'm at the piano," he paused. "Want to know what I'm wearing too?" he teased.

_Fuck yes I do_.

My hesitation wasn't long, but it was long enough for him to catch it. "Jasper?"

"I'm here," I attempted to cover quickly. "Just muting the television."

"Sure." I swear I could see him smile.

It was useless.

I missed him, he knew it. I wanted him, he knew it. No sense hiding it.

"Fuck, okay, yes I want to know what you're wearing."

It was his turn to hesitate.

"Edward?" I hedged lightly.

"Jeans and…"

I was frustrated. I wanted to be able to see him, to touch him, to trace his full lips, and tell with him my touch that it was okay to continue. Further words of encouragement were lost in my throat with the possibility that he was _only_ in jeans.

Edward bare-chested at his piano.

That image had fueled my fantasies on more than a few occasions. As my breath quickened at the images, Edward finally spoke again.

"One of your tee shirts."

I much rather preferred him bare-chested.

"You haven't done laundry?" He certainly had a legitimate reason to have skipped laundry, given his schedule.

"I've done laundry."

"Then why…." He interrupted me before I could continue.

"I don't know, it just…it just…helps," he said quietly.

While I knew exactly what he meant, my charmed helped me as well. Those long nights without him, I would touch it repeatedly, using it to help me fall asleep knowing that while I was not in his arms, the next dawn would be one more day closer to returning to him.

I now had confirmation, even if not verbal, that he was struggling with our separation as much as I was. The thought of him missing me enough to wear one of my shirts made my heart swell. Disappointed for having not thought to bring one of his shirts with me to wear, I frowned at my bland tee that smelled like Tide instead of Edward.

I was clearly an ass.

He was home, missing me while sitting at his piano in one of my shirts.

Not only did I not have something of Edward's on, but I had left him, packed up my truck, stole his best friend, and drove out of his life for four weeks.

What the fuck had I been thinking?

"You had to go, Jasper. You know that."

I furrowed my brows. How the hell did he always do that? Was I really that much of an open book, or was it only him that he power to read my thoughts.

"I know, but…"

"Jasper," he scolded, and I quieted.

Of course, he was right.

"I don't have anything of yours," I said sadly.

"Yes, you do."

"I do?"

"Yes, right above your heart, resting on your pulse."

During our conversation, my hand had never left the charm, and I noticed my fingers were still tracing the outline of the symbol. He had shared with me, it was my turn.

"I play with it all the time," I said quietly, "and think of you…of us."

Chuckling, he repeated. "Play with it all the time and think of me, huh?"

I rolled my eyes, and for the first time, my fingers let go the necklace and slowly descended down my body.

"So," he began, and I heard his voice change, a slight infliction most might not have noticed, but I caught it. The beginning of an excitement building in him, and excitement that made my body hum. "What are you wearing?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit," he called me out on my bluff.

Laughing, I continued. "Jeans and white tee shirt. Exciting, huh?"

"Jasper, anything you wear, or don't, is exciting to me."

Again, the image of a bare-chested Edward at his piano flooded me. A sexually charged image, but one that also made me realized how much I had missed watching him play, watching his long fingers float above the keys, letting his talent roll off him as he pressed the ivories skillfully. The world that he entered while playing was one I had been privileged enough to visit a few times, he had let me into his sanctuary of music, a place where he felt safe. It was also a place I shared with him, I was all too familiar with the safety of that world, I often entered it myself when my guitar was cradled in my arms.

"I miss it," I confessed.

"Miss what?" he asked, confused at change of topic.

"Your music, watching you play for me." I considered for a minute, and then shyly added, "What we do to each other while you play."

"Do you want me to play for you?"

"You'd do that?"

"Of course, love. Hold on." I waited impatiently for him to return. "I put you on speakerphone, can you hear me?"

"Yes," I sighed happily.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Anything."

"Since you left, I have only been playing one song," he admitted in a quiet voice.

"What song?"

I knew the answer already, it was the same song that I had played on my iPod several times a day, it was the song that brought his heart to mine no matter the distance between us.

It was _our _song.

"You've got a Friend."

I swallowed hard in an attempt to suppress the emotions that were threatening to overrun me. With a trembling voice as I lost the battle, I confided my secret. "I listen to it and think of us several times a day."

"But for the first time since you left, I want to play something else."

"Okay," I replied shakily, biting my lip.

The first note broke me.

He was playing my lullaby.

Each note that followed proved me right, and I exhaled deeply as the song, his song for me, flowed through the phone. The notes filled us both, soothing scared souls and healing new wounds with its highs and lows. It was easily the most beautiful music I had ever heard. Nothing I had ever written came close to the wonder of that song. As I listened to him play, I could barely hear him humming to himself along with the notes; it was comforting in so many ways.

Laying there, I imagined him at the piano, his back perfectly straight, but relaxed, as he effortlessly let the music stream from his soul to the keys. His bare feet pressing on the pedals, the muscles of his back and shoulders flexing under _my_ tee shirt as his hands moved across the piano keys.

After playing through my song twice, he finally let the notes fade away, leaving a silence between us.

I broke through it first. "It was beautiful, thank you for playing for me," I murmured to him.

Picking the phone up, he took me off the speaker, and I could hear his voice my ear again.

For the next thirty minutes, I caught him up on our adventure, filling in the details of our time with Peter. He laughed when I told him about our night at the bar and how Bella's singing had made my ears bleed.

Edward's laugh was loud and joyful. "I warned you not to let her sing karaoke," he reminded me.

"I know, but there was no stopping her, and Peter was no help, he just encouraged her," I explained shaking my head at the memory of their double dog daring one another. Somehow the topic worked its way to our sleeping arrangements, and I decided to share my frustration with him.

"Edward, I don't know what to do, it's just so frustrating. Then," I begin to rant, "then she calls it 'cute'. Cute! Can you believe that? She looked at me and said, 'it's cute'." I sighed heavily.

"Cute? That's blasphemy!" he mocked. "More like fucking hot."

Blushing at this compliment, I continued to rant. "I was just as surprised it happened as she was, trust me."

"It's a perfectly natural thing, why were you surprised?"

"It might be natural, but it doesn't happen to me often, not since I was a teen. Only a few times since then."

"Like When?" he asked with a hint of entwined curiosity and hope.

If he had admitted he was wearing my shirt because it helped, the least I could do was tell him the truth.

"Like when I wake up next to you." He had to have known he was the only one that affected me like that, the only one that made me harder than a fucking rock just by being next to me, and being next to me naked was just an added benefit that I enjoyed immensely.

"I love that I can do that to you," he sighed proudly.

"You most definitely do _that _to me."

I smiled, fucking beamed, at how good it felt to tell him that, to be so open with him, to know that connection was not lost even though we were separated by so many miles.

"So, where's Bella?" his voice was quiet over the connection, I could hear the exhaustion return to his voice.

"She ran to the store with Peter to grab a few things for tonight." I glanced around the bed for the remote to change the channel from the motivational speaker to something a bit less…intense

"Would you like me help you?" he offered, his voice picking up a bit.

"Help me, how?" I asked skeptically, even though I already suspected what he was hinting at. There was no use denying him, and it's not like I didn't want it to. In fact, I wanted to a lot. I could hear Edward moving on the other end, probably heading up his room and porn stash.

"You going to put some porn on the television and hold the phone up to it again?" I laughed, recalling a time we had been in high school and I had been grounded one weekend for missing curfew. Edward had felt bad, it had been his fault I was late, so to make it up to me, he had managed to get a porn video and had popped in his laptop. As he watched, he described each and every movement they made to me over the phone.

The images sounded hot, but it was when his voice took a hunger filled tone that I had gotten hard as a rock. Breathlessly, we had stroked ourselves, him to the video, me to his voice, until our climaxes hit us surprisingly hard. At the time, I never would have dared to tell him that it wasn't the porn video that I got off on, but rather the sound of his fucking sexy voice.

Edward sitting at his desk, his limp cock in his hand, evidence of his orgasm on his stomach had been an image that I borrowed on more than one occasion. We had begun a ritual that when either of us were grounded, he would call me and describe porn. It didn't take long before we didn't even have to be grounded for him to do it, just horny. He was my own personal spank bank.

"Or pop some quarters in this vibrating bed for me?" I suggested.

I hear movement stop on the phone "Wait, your bed vibrates?" he inquired, and I could see the wheels turning in his head, I was sure with the very same fantasies I had when I realized our bed vibrated.

Curious, one night I had popped the quarters in while Bella and I sat on the bed eating pizza. As soon as the last quarter clinked at the bottom, the bed began to tremble, working up to a full fledged shake. Raising her eyebrow at me while trying to grab a slice of our pizza as it danced across the bed was worth more than the quarters I had used.

There were parts of Edward I would have loved to have seen vibrate, preferably while they were in me.

"Yes, and for one dollar, you too can vibrate for five minutes. Come on Edward, hurry. "

He chuckled. "In a rush, Jasper?"

"Fuck yes, I don't have much time."

"Okay, okay," he conceded, and I heard he sound of his feet taking the stairs two by two to his bedroom.

"Do you have the porn on yet?" I prodded, my hand sliding down my stomach to the waistband of my jeans in anticipation, my cock already beginning to harden.

"Better than porn, Jasper" Now I could hear him shuffling around in his room. Does it really take that long to find a porn video? Doesn't he have them on his computer like everyone else? I was just about to give up when he finally spoke again.

"Okay."

"Are you in your room?" I asked as my breathing beginning to quicken already.

"Umm. No, not exactly."

"Where are you?" My hand paused and shifted my weight, anxious to hear his answer.

"Our room."

I couldn't reply. The emotions from earlier crept back and I took a deep breath. "Our room."

"I've been staying in our room since you left." He paused, but I heard him moving around. "Do you mind?"

He was calling it our room, our bed, he was wearing my tee shirt and could only play one song the piano. What the hell did he expect me to mind?

"I love it."

"Okay, ready?" he changed the subject quickly and suddenly my cock throbbed, reminding me of what we were doing.

"Yes!" I reply just a bit too eagerly, closing my eyes ready to focus on listening to him describe the porn.

"So just listen to me, just do what I say, don't ask questions."

"Okay," I promised, nodding as if he could see me.

"Undo your pants," he gently instructed.

Okay, not quite what I was expecting, but I went with it.

My thumb and index finger slid the bronze button through the slot, but I pause at the zipper, feeling a bit awkward.

"All the way, Jasper."

How the hell did he know?

I snagged the zipper tab and pulled it down, allowing my fingers to gently graze over my sensitive erection as the pulled the flaps of my jeans apart.

"Done."

He took a breath, and then continued with his directions. "Slip your fingers under yours boxers, pulling the elastic down over your head," he paused."Fuck it, just pull them all the way off."

My eyes shot open." I can't Edward, Bella might walk in, I need to be able to cover up quick if I need to."

Seemingly frustrated, he sighed, "Fine, just down over your hips then."

"Hold on." I cradled the phone with my chin on my shoulder, and shimmied my jeans down to my thighs, letting the waistband of my boxers stretch tight over the muscles in my legs. My cock sprung free, bouncing once before settling above my stomach, nestled in the wiry blond curls surrounding the base. Quickly, I grabbed my sac, giving a firm tug, enlisting a moan from me. The hotel comforter was scratchy on my ass and I briefly considered getting a towel to put under me, but I didn't want to move. I just wanted to get off.

"What was that, Jasper?"

Fuck, he sounded hot.

_Keep saying my name like that Edward. _

"Nothing. Okay, you got the porn in?" I was more than ready to begin.

"No porn today, Jasper. I'm going to tell you what to do."

"Huh? Wha-" The phone slipped from my shoulder. "Shit." Suddenly, I got a brilliant idea and smiled devilishly.

"Just listen to me, Jasper. Trust me." Of course, I trusted him, but my mind was running through the possibilities of what he had in mind. Suddenly, I got a brilliant idea and smiled devilishly. "Jasper, where'd you go?"

"I'm here, just putting you on speakerphone. "

"Do you have lube?"

"Oh yes, because that would be so easy to explain to Bella. "Oh that? It's just my lube for when I need to get off." I said mocking my own voice.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." His laugh filled me, it simply filled me.

Fuck, I missed him.

"You're going to have to make do with salvia," he suggested.

I glanced down at my cock as a string of fluid had seeped from the slit and was dripping onto the heated skin of my stomach. Thoughtfully, I gathered the drop with my thumb, spreading it around my reddening head. "Nah, I have something better I can use. "

"Oh…what?" he asks curiously, before realizing. "Oh, oh, yes. Well, precum is nature's lube after all,"

"Tick, tick," I reminded him of my lack of time.

"Oh, yes, sorry," more shuffling.

"What are you doing, Edward?"

"Just getting comfortable, Jasper." I could hear the faint sound of a zipper being lowered.

I swallowed.

His voice dropped, taking on a fucking sexy tone. "Go head and touch yourself, Jasper. Run your fingertips up and down yourself. Be sure to rub around your head, pinching the tip to squeeze out some more cum."

My breath hitched as my fingers did as he had instructed, tightly pinching my head until I felt another drop drizzle onto my thumb.

"Close your eyes and take yourself in your hand, Jasper. Begin with a slow stroke down, then up. All the way…very slowly."

It was slower than I was used to, I usually jumped right in to the good stuff, but I did as I was told. With a tight grip, I embraced my hard cock, my hips bucking up into my hand reflexively.

"How does that feel?" It took me a minute before I even realized he had asked me a question.

"Fuck…feels good, really good," I finally replied, already breathless.

"Good. Now keep that pace and take your other hand, bring it down to play with your balls."

Again, I did as told. Spreading my legs as wide as I could with the constriction of my jeans, my left hand kept the same languid pace while my right hand reached between my legs, tapping the wrinkled skin before gripping firmly and tugging downward.

"Mmm," I groaned, hearing a long exhale from Edward.

"Fuck, Jasper. Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

I was too far gone to reply, only able to release a moan at the sound of the lust in his voice. It had been a bit less than two weeks since I had touched him, but it had been the fucking longest two weeks of my life. My body craved his as touch as much as my heart craved his soul. To know that he was just as affected by voice, the actions he was directing me to do only turned me on even more.

I finally spoke, my voice rough with need. "No, why don't you tell me what I do to you, baby," I practically begged.

"Oh fuuuck." he murmured in my ear, I imagined the feeling his wet breath in my ear.

"What?" I asked, curious to what had affected him so much so quickly.

"Your accent, Jasper. It's much stronger than it was, and such a fucking turn on."

He found my accent sexy?

"Yee haw," I chuckled. "When I git home, and I git my fuckin' hands on your body, the things I'm going to do to y'all."

"God you make me so hard. I just want to touch you so fucking much. I want it be _my_ hand on your cock, pumping you up and down."

"Yes," I agree.

I would have given anything to have him there. Memories of the last time he held my shaft in his hands, how tight his fingers had been, how firm his stroke had been as he had simultaneously worked us while I straddled his hips, wantonly encouraging him with feral sounds. The memory of the look on his face as he had come made my cock twitch in my hand, and instinctively quickened my pace. The middle finger of my right hand found the satiny patch of skin behind my balls firm and tense with pleasure, and began to rub back and forth. Occasionally, it slid back to my entrance, tracing around the puckered opening teasingly slow before following the path back up to my tightening balls.

"Only, if I were there, I wouldn't be using my hand," he admitted bluntly.

"Oh, God," I could barely speak when he continued.

"Yeah, no hand for me. I want to suck your cock…hard."

My cock impossibly hardened even more at those words. I barely had time to indulge in the sudden fantasy before he was continuing.

"First, I would lick some of that juice off you…mmm delicious. Then I would take the tip of my tongue and run it down the sides, stopping at the base to take a deep breath. You smell so fucking good."

I groaned. Loudly.

_Very_ loudly.

My hand slid over my throbbing cock, tugging flesh as my wrist flicked slightly at the top. When my hips thrust up into my grip, my head pushed back into the headboard. I snagged my bottom lip between my teeth, attempting to stop the primal sounds that were working their way up from my groin from escaping.

"I just want to nuzzle my nose in your balls, Jasper. Perhaps lick the insides of those tanned thighs before dragging my tongue over that dark patch of skin between your legs. So, so soft. I can't wait anymore, Jasper. I want to take you in my mouth, taste you again. I'm going to lap my tongue back up to your head, and then I am going to suck the tip, dipping my tongue into your slit, forcing out some more tasty cum."

"Oh fuck," I managed to growl out."God, Edward, please…don't stop." I pulled my tee shirt up my chest, feeling the air conditioned breeze instantly cool my sweaty skin. After licking my fingers, I twisted and plucked one of my nipples, feeling it pebbled under the tantalizing touch while Edward continued his description.

"Slowly, I take you deeper into my mouth, sliding my lips along you, running the flat of my tongue to all way down to you balls as your head hits the back of my throat. Ung, fuck, Jasper, you make me so hard."

I vaguely heard Edward's own hand pumping his dick as I imagined his lush pink lips wrapped around my cock while he was on his knees before me, his fist working himself.

"Fuck me, Edward," My imaginary self murmured out loud, and apparently, so did I as I heard Edward reply.

"Well, Jasper that's a bit tough when I'm two thousand miles away, but I'm trying the best I can," he chuckled. I nodded slightly, feeling small bead of sweat run down my face, and my tongue darted out to like the saltiness off my lips.

"You feel the vibrations of my lips when I moan around you, one of my hands on your ass, holding you tight to my face while my other hand is rolling your balls around, tickling and caressing. As my head bobs up and down, your fingers weave themselves in my hair, guiding me to set the pace faster. I love it when you pull my hair, pushing yourself deeper in my hot mouth. I love it when you fuck my mouth. Are you close, love?"

"Fuck yes, please, don't stop…please." I was far past the point of the embarrassment of begging. I would have done just about anything to make him continue. Each one of his words propelled me closer to the high was seeking, my hand furiously stroking myself as my hips wantonly bucked off the bed and numerous sounds of pleasure were hissed through gritted teeth.

"I love it when you beg me, Jasper. I love that you need me," he gasped out in small breaths, and I knew he was close too. "I love your cock in my mouth, I feel your cum slide down my throat, all thick and hot."

"More…." My balls started to tighten, and I felt the familiar, and very welcome, burn in my abdomen.

"Of course, Jasper," he panted. "Fuck my mouth hard, thrust into me with your cock, pull my hair. Tell me how good it feels, how much you want me to fuck you. I graze my teeth along your length, nipping your pink head before taking it my mouth again, hollowing my cheeks out, sucking you so fucking hard yo-"

"Cumming," I grunted as my muscles clenched, lifting my head and chest off the bed, groans and cries poured from mouth, along with a healthy list of profanities as my cock pulsed, shooting steams of warm, milky fluid onto my stomach where it mingled with sweat. With each grunt, my eyes closed tight, hips grinding up into my hand as spasms wrecked my body. Panting, I fell back on the bed, my hand still pumping my semi-hard cock as I enjoyed the last burst of ecstasy through my sated body.

"God, fucking incredible," I mumbled as I finally let go of myself, my softening dick falling against my hip, still leaking a small string of cum. One hand still rubbed my chest, lightly grazing over the goose bumps created from my orgasm.

Edward was silent on the other end except for the sound of his heavy breath as he stroked himself faster. I knew his preferred technique, I knew with every upstroke he would palm his head with his free hand until he began to cum, then he would reach down and pull on his balls, twisting them tightly as he whimpered and bit his lip while spilling seed onto himself, resting for a moment while it ran down his hand before he would let himself go and collapse back onto his bed.

"I can tell your close, Edward. I can hear it. Let me return the favor, baby." I laid the drawl on thick for him. "You're naked and spread as I kneel between your legs, my hair bouncing as my head bobs up and down you cock. You tap the back of my throat with each buck of your hips. It's your turn to picture you balls deep inside my wet mouth, watching me devour you. And it's my turn to see just how good you taste, how salty, musky."

Closing my eyes again, I could see Edward lying before me, ecstasy written on his face as I suck him hard, not gagging once as I deep throat him. I moaned, feeling my cock start to pulse again at the thought of watching his body writhing before me as his back arches off the bed, his nipples hard as his own hands played with them. Continuing, I described more of my fantasy to him. "I flip you over, laying on top of you, rubbing my cock against you, kissing your back, your shoulders. I grab one of your arms and pull it above your head, holding it there as I turn your head and kiss you. Your legs are together as I press myself into you more, you can feel the tip of me at your hole, ready and waiting to enter you."

"Yeah…"

"Does that feel good Edward? Do you want me to fuck your ass? Do you want to feel my hard cock pushing deep inside you?"

"Ugh…" I smirked with pride at his inability to talk; at least I wasn't the only one that found this incredibly fucking hot.

"God, you losing control is one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard. I want more, Edward," I whispered. "I want you to come. Please come for me, baby,"

"Fuck!" he cried out as I imagined his orgasm ripping through his body intensely, his cum spilling over his hand and onto his stomach, his bronze hair matted to his forehead with sweat as the last shudders of pleasure migrated through him. His breathing was heavy as he slowly began to bring it under control. "Jesus, Jasper. That was just…fucking fantastic. You will be describing that to me every night you're gone from now on."

Smiling, I relax against the pillows, briefly wondering if I should get cleaned up before Bella walked to found me in all my glory, with a stomach coated in cum, my cock limp with satisfaction.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"I haven't done that since you left."

At first, I wondered why. I knew I hadn't, but my circumstances were different, being alone in our house, he definitely had more opportunities than I did staying in a small tent or hotel room with Bella around. Then I remembered his work schedule and realized he was probably too tired to engage in such activities.

But I had to ask.

"How come?"

He didn't immediately reply, so I waited patiently. "I've missed you too much," he finally whispered sadly.

"Edward?"

"I…."

_I love you._

"I know, love, me too."

Once again, he saved me, just like he always did.

I don't know how long ago the tears had started, but it was then that I felt them on my cheeks. Even through the pain of missing him, of not being able to tell him what I wanted so desperately for him to know, I smiled at his words.

Without speaking them, he already knew.

Perhaps he had known as long as I had.

Instead of saying the three words that engulfed my thoughts, I said two just as important ones. "Thank you."

"For what?" he replied quietly, and I imagined him sitting much the same as myself, only knowing Edward, he was completely naked.

"For…everything."

The last tear had fallen and been wiped away by the heel of my hand as I felt my strength begin to build from my savior lending me some of his.

I heard brief movement, than a small chuckle. "You're welcome."

"I should, um…go get cleaned up before Bella walks in and finds me in this compromising position with you on the phone. "

"Now that's an explanation I would love to hear."

"And not one I want to give. Thanks again, baby. It was wonderful."

" Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Remind me to get a Bluetooth headset for my cell phone when I get home, I think it might come in handy sometime."

His laugh was deep, and full. "Of course. I might have look into one as well."

"Only two more weeks until I see you again," I sighed, unable to contain the sadness, the longing that had crept into my voice the last few minutes. "Think of me until then?" I begged.

_Love me until then._

"Always, Jasper." And with a click, he was gone.

"**~~**

Thank you for reading!

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	11. Tempted by the Fruit of Another

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-So, not sure I ever mentioned that would be some angst in this story, but I am sure you all expect it, I mean, come on, it's me, right? I am pretty certain this chapter will piss a great many of you off-and I accept that. What happens in this chapter will eventually make sense…I hope!

This Peter is the AU of S&S Peter, in L&F, he and Charlotte are not married.

Huge thanks to C Me Smile for her extremely fast turn around so I could post and then run and hide.

Huge hugs to **Dannie**-enjoy Peter….

**"**~~**"**

Tempted by the Fruit of Another

Location: Abilene, TX (Temptation)

**"**~~**"**

Many times I've been alone

And many times I've cried  
Anyway you'll never know the many ways I've tried,

But still they lead me back  
To the long and winding road  
You left me standing here  
A long, long time ago.  
Don't leave me waiting here  
Lead me to you door. ~The Beatles

"**~~**"

"It's hotter than a two rats fucking in a wool sock out here, wanna go for a ride?" he asked as we sat on the deck in the blistering midday sun. Snorting, I glanced over at him dressed in his tee shirt and jeans.

He had certainly filled out since I had last seen him and I found myself, a bit unwillingly, admiring his body. I missed his curls, and had told him that shortly after arriving. He gave me shit about my hair being too long and I gave him shit about his being too short. Those curls had been one of my last memories of him as we had driven away that day so long ago. Still, the black of his hair was beautiful against his dark skin and his eyes.

Fuck, his eyes were amazing. Their light gray color hypnotized anyone that dared to give them more than a passing glance. Years ago I had trusted those eyes, they comforted me when I told him I was moving, they told me I would be alright, releasing the tightness that had clenched around my heart for unexplainable reasons.

Without words, they also told me how much he would miss me, and as he hugged me that day before I climbed into the car and I saw them glisten with unshed tears, I knew they were honest and truthful and loyal.

They also held a mischievous glint I had never seen in anyone since. Even Edward's beautiful green eyes never held the same impish sparkle that filled Peter's on a daily basis. It had been those very eyes that had got us into mischief more than once. Somehow, with one look and tilt of his head, he had been able to convince me to do anything from sneaking into a rated "R" movie, to skipping school on a warm spring day to go to the river.

The Major had taken the belt to me on more than one occasion as a result of Peter and his fucking gray eyes.

"Where to?" I asked, squinting at him in the sun, smirking a bit at the ironic angelic glow the sun's rays seem to give him.

Peter was anything but angelic.

Shrugging, he reached for the hem of his tee shirt and began to slide it up. Unconsciously, my heart skipped a beat at the motion, and raced as soon he pulled it over his head and tossed it onto the table next to him. He leaned back in his chair, stretching his long legs before him, crossing his booted feet. "Fuck, I dunno. The river?"

The river brought back many memories.

"Is it still there?" I asked, knowing he knew what I was referring to.

"The river?" he asked sarcastically.

"No, shithead, the rope," I shook my head, irritated at how easily he was still able to push my buttons. Bella and I had been back in town less than twenty-four hours and had been with Peter and Charlotte ever since. Charlotte had dragged Bella off to do some girl bonding and shopping. I had laughed at Bella's pleading glares at me to rescue her from hours of unnecessary shopping. Instead, I kissed her cheek and waved goodbye.

Chuckling lowly, he nodded. "Yeah, it's still there, well, at least, last I knew it was. It's been a few years since I've been out there though." He paused and looked down at his feet. "It's just not the same without you," he finally confessed.

"Aw, shucks, man, I didn't realize you missed me that much," I teased playfully, nudging his foot with my own.

"Shut the fuck up, you know what I mean," he feigned hurt. Glancing at him, my eyes quickly wandered over his sculptured chest and taut abdomen. Even though he hadn't followed his father's footsteps into the military, instead choosing a rather cushy job at the courthouse, he had not only developed a hard body, but had maintained it as well.

Confused, I turned away quickly and reminded myself to call Edward later.

When Peter stretched his arms above his head and groaned, I felt a twitch in my pants. I needed a change of scenery, and fucking fast.

"The river sounds great, let's go," I said hurriedly as I stood up, anxious to be anywhere but there. The ice cold water of the river would do my burgeoning erection some good.

"Well, okay then," he laughed. Standing up, he grabbed his tee and pulled it back on over his tanned skin.

I sighed in relief.

"**~~**"

"Are you sure this is the way?" I asked anxiously as he drove his truck through some thick brush.

"Fuck man, course, I'm sure. What's got your panties in a bunch?" he knitted his brows, looking at me.

_You don't want to know._

"Nothing," I lied, "Just eager to cool off." Which was the truth.

"Well, hold your horses, we'll be there in a minute. It's been awhile, need to clear the path again."

Finally, he slowed the truck and stopped. "We got to walk from here," he said as he turned the truck off and opened his door. We had grabbed swim shorts before we left, but hadn't taken the time to change. Side by side we walked, pushing thicket and small branches out of way as we made our way along the formally well-worn path.

"Been a long time since anyone's been down here, huh? I thought for sure the other kids would find it," I commented.

"Me too, but guess it stayed our dirty little secret," he mused, winking at me. Scarlet painted my cheeks and I looked away.

He remembered.

I wasn't sure he would, it had been so long ago. Actually, I wasn't sure it was something he wanted to remember. However, it was one that I had recalled often, especially late nights in my room shortly after we had moved. Sleep often eluded me those first few months.

New town, new school and one friend.

Edward.

Confused, I had lain in my bed missing Texas and Petey more than I had thought possible. My mother had limited our phone calls in the hopes of me making new friends, and all I had wanted was to hear his velvet southern drawl. When we did get the chance to talk, the whispers reassured me, confiding our secrets to each other just as if we were sleeping in the bunks in his bedroom. Over the years, we had kept in close contact, although the topic of our phone calls changed, the meaning behind them never did.

I missed him and he missed me.

It was part of what had driven me back to Texas to begin with, the desire to say a proper goodbye to him. We had been torn apart so quickly, our lives turned upside down by circumstances beyond our control that had left us barren of anything but sadness.

Our steps fell in time with each other as we followed the footpath long ago grown over by long grass and brush. We fell into a few minutes of silence before we entered the clearing and saw the river flowing wide and calmly before us. There were parts further downstream that were more whitewater, but we both preferred the quieter part, where we could enjoy floating around without the fear of being swept away.

"Here we are," Peter sighed, looking up and down the river. "Hasn't changed much, huh?"

I shook my head as I began to pull off my boots. "Not really."

Keeping my eyes averted while Peter pulled off his tee shirt again, I slid my own over my head and tossed in a small boulder. I heard his zipper being lowered and felt my heart pound in my chest, the feeling stealing my breath with ghostly touches. Slowly and methodically, I undid my own jeans and lowered them.

The whistle caught my attention. "Wooee, well, Jasper sure did grow up, didn't you? And I thought Charlotte filled out nicely, but damn boy, she's got nothing on you," he teased. He had always given me a hard time about my height, I had always been a bit too tall and lean, but after years of Esme's cooking, I had filled out, gaining muscle from workouts and my constant running. Shyly, I cast my eyes down as I felt the heat cover my cheeks, thankful the tanned skin wouldn't show the embarrassment I felt.

The last one that had seen me in this few clothes had been-

"So, tell me about Edward, Jasper, who is the guy that took my place?" Stunned by his question, I looked up at him. He had pulled his jeans off and stood before me completely naked.

He had gone commando.

And was more beautiful than I had remembered.

The body of the fourteen year old awkward boy had been transformed into that of a well-toned man. Not only was his stomach more defined than I had first thought, but the 'v' leading to his hips begged for me to drag my tongue along its deep gouge. His chest, already shiny with sweat, was lean and firm and ….my eyes traveled quickly south.

Limp and heavy, his cock hung nestled in black curls and I swear it twitched when I licked my bottom lip. Forcing my eyes away, they continued down his thick legs dusted with dark hair. Images flashed through my mind of those legs straining to hold himself in position as he thrust into…

"Jasper?" His fingers snapped. Mortified at being caught, and my obvious lack of self control, I blinked a few times before looking back up at his face where I practically drooled at the strong unshaven jaw and high cheekbones. Forcing my eyes to his, I saw the mischievous haze I that had gotten me into so much trouble as a boy and knew that that day would be no different.

I was going to be in trouble.

And I wasn't sure what I was going to do about it.

"Aren't you changing?" I asked hopefully, motioning to his trunks on the ground.

"Nah, fuck it, we used skinny dip all the time. You don't mind do you?"

_Fuck, no._

"I don't give a shit," I pretended with a casual air and reached for my own trunks to pull on. As I hooked my fingers in the elastic of my briefs, I felt the weight of his stare on me and I glanced up. "What?"

"Well, I figured if I was going au naturale, you would too," he shrugged before spreading the towel he had brought on the ground. "Ready?"

Nodding, I slowly slid down my briefs, wiling my cock to remain in its semi-soft state. With a few quick strides, he reached the edge of the water and I heard a splash as his body made contact with the icy river. Following him, I almost dove into the water, submersing myself before coming up and slicking my hair back off my head. The effect of the water on my body was immediate, the shock of it calming my overactive libido.

That was until Peter rose from the water next to me, shaking his head, spraying water everywhere. My eyes watched the water run down his body and stopped at his cock as it floated near the top of the water. It wasn't my imagination, it had lengthened.

He had watched me run into the river as my swimming trunks sat on the dry ground on the shore.

"So you never answered my question?" He lowered himself into the water again and my heart began to resume a normal rhythm. Raising an eyebrow at him, I leaned back and floated a bit. "Edward, tell me about him."

Where do I begin?

He was everything.

"Well, we met in biology, he was my lab partner. My asshole of a teacher made me stand up and introduce myself, and my nerves got me and I kind of stuttered."

"You never did like speaking in public," he chuckled.

"Hate it, and being the new kid, even worse. Anyway, on my way to lunch, some kids decided to give me shit about my accent, and Edward came up behind them and defended me. We've been…friends every since."

_Lovers._

"Friends?" he questioned, and I nodded slowly, unsure of what he was getting at. "Tell me more, what's he like?"

_He's perfect._

Laughing, I began,"He had a nice stash of porn mags under his bed. And one day his mom found them when she was cleaning, and gave them to his dad. His dad called us into his office and gave us the speech on respecting women, and keeping our hands off Bella. I was so fucking embarrassed, but Edward? He took it all in stride, like he didn't have a care in the world. After, I was all concerned we had lost our entertainment, but Edward had been prepared and had hidden some under his dresser too."

"Sounds like a smart guy," Peter smiled.

"He is, very. Med school is going to be tough, but I have no doubt he can make it through."

"A doctor…impressive. That's why he couldn't come, right? Something about a hospital?"

Sadly, I nodded. "An internship too good to pass up at his dad's hospital. It's too bad though, you two would have gotten along perfectly."

"I'm glad someone's got your back up there, God knows you need it. Keep your ass out of trouble."

Scoffing, I dunked my head under the water. "Yeah, I seem to recall you getting me _into_ trouble, not out of it. "

"Touche'," he laughed. "Does Edward have a girlfriend?"

I felt the heat in my cheeks and splashed water on my face. "Um, no. He and Bella…well, they are close, but not in a relationship."

"Fuck buddies?"

"Jesus, Peter, do you have to be so crude?" I glared at him and he just shrugged. "No. Well…once, a long time ago, but not since then. Edward's too busy."

"Too busy to fuck? No such thing," he debated. "A guy always makes time to get off," he surmised.

Biting my lip, I debated on telling him that not only did Edward get off but it was usually with me. In our bed as our hands and mouths encouraged lust and desire and cries of release as we came.

"Someone's got a man crush," he chuckled, staring at me.

"Shut the fuck up," I mumbled before slapping the water, spraying droplets at him.

Wiping the water from his face, he asked, "Want to head downstream a bit?" I nodded, thankful the conversation had taken another turn and followed him to the middle of the river where we began to swim with the current, his long limbs easily keeping up with me. Each time my head came out of the water, I forced my eyes away from his pale ass as it almost sparkled in the sunlight. Reaching the whitewater, we turned and headed back upstream, not stopping until we reached the small cliff where the rope was. Peter made his way over to the edge of the water and I stared as he gradually walked out and onto the shore. His ass was even more perfect out of the water, alabaster skin over deliciously curved muscle. Swallowing hard, I felt my cock begin to harden at the sight. He glanced at me over his shoulder "Coming?"

_Not yet. _

"I'll just watch for now, make sure you don't kill yourself," I answered as he climbed up the ledge to the top. Facing me, he grabbed the rope that hung out over the water from the thick limb of a tree. "Make sure it can hold you, you're bigger now," I yelled up to him as he tugged on the rope to test its strength.

"Aw, how sweet, worried about my safety," he called back down to me. Kneeling in the water, I watched as he slowly made his way to edge to estimate where he wanted to land, and then he backed up. With a wink to me, he burst into a run and holding onto the rope, leapt off the cliff with a yell and swung out over the water before releasing it exactly where he wanted to and falling feet first into the river. Laughing at his antics, I waited for him to emerge, my eyes scanning the top of water as it ripped out from where he had entered. Long seconds passed and he had not broken through yet. Panicking, I quickly looked around the shoreline and further out from his entry point. He should have come up by then, the water was deep there, but not deep enough for it to have taken so long to swim back up the top.

"Peter!" I yelled out, standing up to get a better view. "Peter!" I began to make my way toward what was left of his wake.

"Yes?" his cool breath washed over my ear, sending an exciting chill down my spine. I should have been pissed at his worrying me, but all I could concentrate on was his hands running down my arms as his lips met the back of my neck in a tender, hesitant kiss. The pounding of my heart had begun when he had come up behind me continued for an entirely different reason. Lightheadedness overcame me as his nails dragged up and down my arm. When I didn't pull away, he gently let his hands explore my chest, pressing my back tightly to him as his fingertips traced and teased my nipples. Constant shivers ran through my body, and they had nothing to do with the chilly water I was standing in and everything to do with the familiar hands intimately touching me.

It had been so long since I had felt those hands explore my body.

It was the summer before I had moved, we were enjoying the lazy, hazy days together at either the tree house or the river when the heat got to be too much. After a pick-up game of baseball, we had made our way to the river on our bikes to cool off. Not having suits with us, we thought nothing of stripping down naked and jumping into the water from the rope. We had splashed and swam for an hour before finally making our way to the shore to collapse on the brown grass. Laying our backs, the sun drying us while the grass tickled our skin, we talked about a girl named Charlotte that Peter had been eyeing around town. Sighing, Peter daydreamed about her young curves. As he spoke of touching her, I imagined replacing her with myself. Having no control over my body's reactions to his story and my imagination, I was surprised when I felt myself almost fully erect. I opened my eyes and found his closed, he hadn't seen my erection. Relieved, I began to roll over onto my stomach in hopes of hiding it until it went away. As I turned away from him, I felt his cool hand on my hip, stilling my movement.

"Don't," he murmured quietly as he pulled me onto my back again. As I watched his lips near mine, I felt his fingers thread through my curls until they wrapped around my cock. Gasping, I sucked in his breath as his face hovered over me.

"Don't be scared," he whispered before his lips descended onto mine. Cool and soft and full, they pressed against mine in gentle curious brushes before I felt his warm tongue trace along my top lip. Unsure what to do, I let my body's instincts take over and parted my lips. I hadn't even kissed a girl yet, and there I was with my cock in my best friend's hand. When I felt his tongue against mine, my entire body tensed at the wave of pleasure that hit me. His hand remained still, but tightly wrapped around me, as I tilted my head and deepened the kiss. Wanting more of him, I weaved my hands into his black curls and tugged on them, trying to tell him to touch me, to do…anything.

"Is this okay?" he asked, pulling away from my mouth to look into my eyes. If he was looking for uncertainty, he found it, but I knew there was nothing I wanted more at that moment, I just didn't know why I wanted it. Nodding, I pulled him back to me for another kiss. Releasing his hair with one hand, I reached down to his hand on my cock and pumped once. Taking the hint, he began slow strokes up and down. Instantly, my hips bucked up off the ground and into his small embrace. No longer able to concentrate on kissing him, I left my mouth open as his tongue continued to sweep inside and twist with mine before he too began to just pant into my mouth. I vaguely felt his hips rubbing against my thigh as he sought friction for his own aching erection. Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I thought I should touch him, return the rapture he was granting me, but all my thoughts focused on his hand on my cock, his mouth on mine as he continued to stroke me. Even though his touch lacked rhythm, and my hips met his hand inconsistently, I had never felt anything more exciting. I had explored my own body a few times, stroking myself late at night in the privacy of my room, but nothing I had ever done, or imagined, compared to his hands on me. I felt the still unfamiliar warmth begin to spread through my abdomen as my balls started to tighten.

"Does it feel good?" he asked as his tongue traced around my nipple.

I replied in a shaky voice," Y…e…s…"

"Are you close?" he asked, his forehead resting on my shoulder as his cock rubbed against my body and I felt his precum damp on my skin. Unable to speak, I nodded, my eyes clenched as all I focused on was his hand's movement over my pulsing cock. "Me too," he gasped, "Come with me, Jasper."

I cried out, my muscles contracting so much they lifted my shoulders and ass off the ground as my hips thrust up and my cock erupted wet and sticky over his hand and my stomach. Throbbing as he continued to stroke me, I realized he had lifted his head and was watching me come, watching his hand milk the last of orgasm from me. I loosened my hands in his hair and pulled his mouth back to mine, my tongue entering his parted lips. Tugging on his arms with my hands, he released my cock and positioned himself over me, rubbing his cock along my softening one, spreading my climax over us with each roll of his hips. Overcome, he pulled away from our kiss, and placed his forehead on my chest, his breath coming in heavy pants as his hips sped up uncontrollably. Not sure what to do, I let one of my hands travel down his back to his ass, squeezing it as he grunted and pushed into me one last time before I felt him shoot hot and thick between us, his cock pulsing with each wave of his orgasm. Finally, he collapsed, rolling to my side, and laid his head on my chest as he gradually caught his breath. Remnants of my orgasm still sparked in me as we drifted into a light sleep only to wake up a few hours later when the sun sat low in the sky.

We never spoke out loud of that day, and while we shared knowing glances, and even though every time we went to the river after that, my heart raced with memory and anticipation, we never touched each other like that again.

Two months later, I watched him try not to cry as I pulled away, leaving our potential undiscovered.

Until today.

Behind me he stood, and my head lolled back onto his shoulder as I leaned my weight against him, letting him partially support me. Our bodies had come a long way since that summer. Not only had peter's muscles developed, but as I felt his hard cock against my ass, I realized he had filled out in other areas as well. His hand snaked around to my growing erection and he grasped it tightly in his long fingers.

"Remember this?" he mumbled against my wet skin as his lips traveled over my shoulders. Like that day years ago, I could only nod my reply, unable to focus on anything but my cock in his hand. "Why don't we go to the shore," he suggested, stepping back from me, he took my hand and led me to the grass where our towels were spread. Silently, I took my position and lay on my back while Peter settled next to me, resting on an elbow.

"Is this okay," he asked the same words as before as his lips began kissing my jaw, traveling down to my neck. Arching off the ground, I angled my head go give him more access as I felt his fingers brush the underside of my cock before his strong hand embraced it again.

"Yes," I finally answered his question, my hand grazed up the side of his body while he began to slowly stroke me. Against my hip, I felt his hardness, the slit weeping with clear fluid as he ground into me. Weaving my fingers through his hair, I fisted what I could, missing the day when he had had curls long enough to twist my fingers around. With one hand in his hair to keep his lips to my body, I let my other squeeze between us. I smiled in satisfaction when I felt him jump at the first touch of my fingertips against the head of his cock.

"Fuck," he murmured, grinding into my hand as I did my best to wrap my fingers around him. His tongue lapped at my nipple before his teeth bit it, and I cried out. "Like that?" Unable to answer, I gripped him tighter and awkwardly began to pump his cock. "Jesus fucking Christ," he gasped.

What goes around comes around.

Lifting his head, he looked at me. "How about we get more comfortable?" Confused, I nodded, wondering what he had in mind. Releasing me, he climbed over me and straddled my hips, his hand returning to my cock to resume his stroking. His weight felt pleasant and warm, the inside of his thighs soft against my hips as he began to rock them back and forth. His gray eyes, having lost their mischievous glint, were filled with a more familiar look of lust.

Biting my lip, I tentatively reached out to his cock, my thumb tracing the ridge of his head before spreading the fluid over him and watching it shine in the sunlight. He closed his eyes and lulled his head back. Curious, I wrapped my fingers around him and began to stroke him. More skilled than I had been at fourteen, I timed my strokes with the movement of his hips, gauging his reaction.

Moaning, he arched his back, his right hand stroking me quickly. With his weight holding me down it was difficult, but my hips wantonly bucked up into him as I writhed below him. My eyes traveled over every inch of his body, the water long dry, sweat had started to gather as he worked our bodies. Wide shoulders, long arms, thick chest, trim waist, the deep 'v' leading to his hips. Finally, I dared to look at us.

His hand on me, the veins moving with each pump was undeniably hot. I took my other hand off his thigh, where it had been resting, and reached beneath his cock to his balls. The skin was hot, his scent musky, as I took them into my palm and rolled them. He practically purred as I touched him, his chest vibrating with the deep sound of bliss.

Watching our hands work each other quickly brought me close to the edge, the teasing of his touch in the water, the verbal flirting, seeing him shirtless at the house had all contributed to me being ready to explode as soon as his hand firmly grabbed me. I felt my cock pulse, aching for a release that, at that moment, only he could bring me.

"More," I groaned,"please, more. Close." The words were short as they escaped me in short heaving breaths.

"Look at me," he demanded. Pulling my eyes from our cocks, I looked up at his face, flush with excitement. "Watch me while you come." Nodding, I licked my lips and kept my eyes on his steel gray eyes.

I wanted to kiss him again. Desperate, I let go of his balls and slid a hand up to his chest, vainly trying to reach his neck to pull him down me. Realizing what I was doing, he leaned forward, and while keeping the strokes, put one hand on the ground by my shoulder and placed his lips against mine.

Not even bothering to pretend I didn't want him, my mouth was already opened, welcoming his velvet tongue, sucking it as he moaned into our kiss. When his weight lifted off mine, I felt my hips thrusting up into him, my cock seeking out his hand while it really wanted the tight hold of his ass.

Pulling away from my mouth, his placed his forehead to mine. "Watch me, Jasper," he reminded me. Opening my eyes, I looked into his darkening ones. "That's it, watch me, beautiful."

With a loud grunt, I came hard, my hips bucking up, my cock jerking as cum erupted from it in long bursts. I felt warmth hit my chest as it gathered thick and milky. His hand never stopped, encouraging every last drop from my aching cock even has it began to gradually soften, his stroking continued over the ultra-sensitive flesh.

My eyes had never left his.

For the second time in my life, Peter had brought me to an incredible orgasm.

As my body trembled, I realized my hand was gripping his cock so tight it must have been painful. Lost in my own climax, I had stopped stroking him, but his hips had remained moving into my vise-like hold.

"Please," he begged. Resuming my rhythm, I saw a twinkle in his eye and felt his tongue lick along my top lip. I darted mine out to meet his, and between us they mingled as I stroked him. "Fuck, Jasper, that feels so fucking good."

"Do you remember, Peter?" I don't know why I chose that moment to ask, but I had to know. Did he think about that day, did he remember as fondly as I had?

"Always, Jasper."

Two words brought me back to Edward. It was always Edward, and it would always be Edward.

My heart clenched at his words, and I almost stopped but I felt he was close. His raspy breath, the shivering of his body as it tensed, readying for his orgasm. Seconds later, he forcefully thrust down into me and groaned long and hard as he came on me, his heated cum landed on my stomach and ran down my hand, slickening my hold on him.

With a sigh, he slipped from my hand and rolled to my side, once again, taking his position and laying his head on my chest. Instinctively, my fingers when to his hair, soothingly running through the close cut locks as his body slowly came down from his high. One of his arms lay across my waist, and I was sure it was in some cum, but he didn't seem to care, his body was sated as he kissed my sweaty skin.

I should have felt guilt, I should have felt shame for the act I had just done.

Yet I didn't.

It was Peter.

He had been my first, and while Edward was heavy in my heart, Peter held a portion of it as well, and always would. My relationship with Peter was different than Edward. After years of being gone, I had returned to his open arms, and we had fallen back into our routine as if I had never even left. There was a comfort there that soothed me, a comfort I had returned seeking.

"I miss your curls," I admitted sadly. He raised his head and looked at me, and I saw his eyes had begun to lighten again.

"They'll grow back, it's just easier for work this way," he explained before placing his head back on my chest. His voice was softer, a different tone than he usually had, one I felt he had only reserved for me alone.

"Can I ask you something?" I knew he would say yes, he would tell me anything.

"Course," he replied simply, as if there had been a doubt.

"I thought you and Charlotte…." I trailed off, not sure how to proceed. I felt him chuckle against my body.

"No, no. I mean, we live together and are best friends, but…well, we tried it a few times."

"What?"

"Dating, sex…everything. It was nice but it lacked something, and it took me awhile to realize that something was a dick." I couldn't help but laugh. "Though," he began thoughtfully, and I waited until he was ready to continue. "I can honestly say, I love her like no other. I would do anything for her…except maybe the sex thing again."

With a sigh, he lifted his head and rested his chin on my chest. "We've even talked about getting married. She wants children someday, and I don't like the thought of her being with someone else. It hurts me to think of her with another guy, even though we aren't like that. And if I didn't love her romantically, why would that hurt, ya know? I just…I don't know." He released a long breath and put a hand over my heart, making circles with his thumb. "I know I need her in my life in some way,"

Shifting his weight, he leaned over me more and brushed his lips against mine. While it made my heart race, I didn't respond, and he pulled back, conflicted.

"I thought you were…."

"I don't know, Peter, I don't know what I am but I know I can't do this with you right now." I had never felt more confused than I did right then. His touch ignited something in me that only one other had been able to do, and I didn't know what that meant. With Edward, I wasn't scared, there was a quality to what we did, an underlying current that while excited me, also calmed me and assured me that what we were doing was alright. With Peter, that underlying current wasn't calming, it was…intoxicating, dizzying, and addicting.

And I fucking wanted more and more.

His was a touch I had yearned for, that awakened a long sleeping desire. It was with Peter that I realized it wasn't only Edward that could conduct my body like a skilled musician.

But it was Edward that conducted my heart.

I felt Peter's dry fingers on my chin as he turned my face toward him.

"Is there…" I nodded before he finished, and squeezed my eyes shut to avoid the look of hate that I was sure to find in Peter's brilliant eyes. "Edward," he sighed, releasing my chin. "It's not just a crush, is it?"

Shaking my head every so slightly, I whispered, "I can't do this to him."

"Do you love him?" he asked with hurt in his voice.

_Yes, yes, yes. _

It was a question I had asked myself many times, possibly hundreds. It was question that was answered every time he looked at me, every time he smiled, every time we touched. I had probably been in love with Edward for years, only it had grown and developed from the bud of friendship to the beautiful, colorful petals of full blossomed love, so gradual that it had snuck up on me. What I had once thought was just undeniable physical attraction for my best friend had become something otherworldly.

Was it love…or more? Was there more than love?

Opening my eyes, forcing myself to face him as I told him the truth, told him what was in my heart, I said in a low, confident whisper, "With everything that I am."

His smile was sad, perhaps even regretful, as he tried to lighten the mood. "Well, can't blame a guy for trying."

Offering him a small smile of my own, I wanted to express how much he meant to me, that he wasn't just some guy or hand job by the river, that he was a huge, and important, part of my life and always would be.

"Under different circumstances, a different time," I offered. Thoughtfully, he gazed at me, taking in my words of possibility, for what good they did him.

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn't left?" His fingers never stopped their light grazes over my body, and I felt myself start to once again react to his touch.

"All the time. It's why I came back. I needed to say goodbye good and proper." I knew my words were no salve for the hurt he might have been feeling at that moment. Peter wasn't a player, he was loyal and devoted and gave all of himself to those he loved. His lover would be his soulmate for life.

Still, he was honest and blunt. "So this is it then, you are going to pack up and head back there in a few days and that's it." I was surprised at the sting in his voice, at how much it hurt me to hear him talk like that- those harsh, but honest, words.

"No, of course, not. Well, I mean, yes, I'm going back but…oh shit…I don't know, Peter," I said exasperated, confused…hurt.

Without warning, his lips were pressed against mine again, and I felt my cock lengthen. Unable to resist, my body buzzed and performed for him as he directed.

"Peter," I whispered to stop him, even as my hands went to his hair, searching for those long lost curls.

"Shhhh," he breathed as his lips left mine and went to my ear. "Just one more time, please…for me, Jasper…." As his voice, and request, hit me, I reached for his arm to pull him on top of me, eager to finally dip my tongue along that 'v'.

He was my long lost best friend, he would forever be a part of me. I would deny him nothing. When I felt his growing erection grinding against my own, my heart tightened even as my cock hardened.

Hours later, we had arrived back home and were watching the fashion show that Charlotte insisted on putting on for us. Peter sat next to me on the couch, his shoulder touching mine as Charlotte twirled in front of us, asking our opinions. Peter and I shared a few intimate, knowing looks when we could, and each and every time I felt the blush heat up my face. He would just smile and pat my knee.

Having him next to me was comfortable, and warm, and I loved it.

My phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket, surprised to see it was Edward. He usually called Bella's phone, not mine, except for the time we had….

"Hey," I answered quietly, standing up to head to the bedroom for some privacy. I felt Peter's eyes on me as I walked from the room and into the bedroom Bella and I were sharing. Edward didn't answer right away but I heard him.

Short gasping breaths and shaky sobs escaped him.

He was crying.

"Edward, what's wrong? Are you okay?" I asked urgently but as quietly as possible, not wanting anyone to overhear me.

I heard him sniff before exhaling a long breath. "Yeah, I'm okay, everything's okay, I just needed to hear your voice, love."

"Edward," I answered, "I know something is wrong, please…tell me, baby." In all the years I had known Edward, I had rarely seen him cry, he was the stronger of the two of us. I was at a loss as to what to do. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be home with him, holding him, telling him that no matter what it was, it would be okay.

Yet, I was two thousand miles away.

"Please," I whispered, "tell me." Pausing, I waited to see if he would start to talk, when he didn't, I continued pleading. "Is everyone okay? Esme, Carlise?"

"Yeah, they are okay. We're all fine. It's…." Without patience, I waited for him to gather himself. "Something happened at work."

More soft crying.

"What," I asked as I sat down on the edge of the bed in the dark room.

"Do you have a few minutes, I don't want to keep you," he asked, and I heard him get comfortable as well.

"Fuck yes, just tell me, Edward," I sighed, frustrated.

"I was at work last night, I was on until six this morning, and I was helping out in the emergency room. I've worked in a there a few times since I started. I like it, the shifts go by really fast because you're so busy."

I smiled at the thought of my Dr. Cullen in his white lab coat helping a hurt child.

"A few hours into my shift, and an ambulance comes in, they had called in an assault, and the patient's stats were critical. They arrived, and wheeled him, he was covered in blood, his arm was broken and twisted, his face was completely bashed in… and Jesus, Jasper. I swear it was you. He was tall, his feet stuck out over the edge of the gurney. His long blond hair was matted with blood, his lips were cracked and swollen, one eye was swollen, he had a huge laceration on his forehead, blood was dripping from his ear…" He sighed heavily. "My father and I began to check his vitals, and I opened his eyes…and they were… oh God, Jasper, they were the same color as yours… and they were unresponsive." He began crying heavier again.

"What does that mean? Unresponsive?"

"It meant he was more than likely brain dead."

"Oh." There was nothing more to say, it was tragic, and I could understand why Edward was shaken, given the guy apparently resembled me but I wasn't sure why it had lead to his being so upset. "Is there more?" I hedged, not wanting to push.

"Yeah." He took a deep breath. "We took him to x-ray, found a broken arm and several broken ribs. A CT scan showed severe brain damage. He wouldn't recover, he was comatose."

"Edward, I'm sorry that must have been difficult-"

He cut me off. "There's more." A pause. "The call had come from Club Café."

It had been the dance club that Edward and I had gone to.

"I don't understand," I admitted.

"He had been beaten, Jasper. A gay bashing right outside the club. Of course, there were no witnesses, no one saw shit, and the assholes that did it are still out there." The anger rose in his voice. "They had jumped him when he left, on his way home. Beat the shit out of him with a pipe of some sort."

"Jesus Christ," I murmured.

"It gets worse. So we have this twenty year old kid, still in college, his life ahead of him and he's brain dead. Someone reached his parents and they arrived a bit later. When they came into the room, I was there with Jaxen. His mother, God, she was a mess. They had been woken out of bed, she was still in her nightgown. Her hair was everywhere, her eyes were red. When she saw her son, she just dropped to the floor, wailing, crying 'No, no. no, not my baby' over and over. It was the most awful thing, Jasper. To watch this mother crawl on the floor to her son because she didn't have the strength to stand, pull herself upright by the bed and just lay her body over him, as if she could protect him. Her cries echoed in the room, she grabbed his hand, kissed it. Told him how much she loved him, that he was her baby boy, for him not to leave her."

I felt the tears begin to slide down my own cheeks. Edward continued, "His father. At first, the guy just stood there. Shocked, I assumed, as he watched his wife and son. He didn't look nearly as distraught as she did, but I figured he was just trying to be strong for his family. After some time with their son, my dad took them into a room to give them the prognosis and discussed possible organ donation."

"Oh, Jesus," I whispered as I wiped my eyes.

"Dad sits them down, tells them there is zero hope for recovery, their son is brain dead, he's on life-support. The mother, she just breaks down even more, crying, denying it, telling dad he was wrong, that Jaxen would be fine, he was a strong boy. Dad leaves them in the room to weight their options. I stayed with Jaxen, held his hand, cleaned his face up. I just sat next to him and cried, Jasper. He reminded me so much of you."

"Oh, baby," I was at a loss. There were no words that could comfort him.

"They came back in several hours later, they never signed the papers for organ donation. The mother said she couldn't bear for him to be in any more pain, to be cut open. She wanted peace for him. They decided to turn off life-support."

Tears steamed down my face as his voice lowered, and I imagined him comforting the boy when his parents said they were turning off life-support.

"They said their goodbyes, well, the mother did anyway. She kissed his forehead, told him she loved him, and she hoped he found God. The dad, he just stood there, never touched him, never said a fucking word. My dad made me stay while they turned it off, I had to watch the vitals, watch his breath gradually stop, until he flat-lined." His voice quivered. "Then my dad declared him dead, the mother sobbed over his body. My dad gives his sympathies to the family, and the father, you know what the father said, Jasper? He told dad, 'He was a faggot, he got what he deserved'."

"Oh, Edward," I sighed. There was nothing to say, I knew my words would offer him no comfort, he was suffering in a place I could only imagine. He had witnessed a horror, one he could eerily relate to. "I'm sorry." I could offer nothing more.

"Jasper," he began to sob harder. "What if, if…what if it had been you? I don't know what I would do without you." His sobs slowed to muffled cries as I wept along with him.

"I know, baby, I know," and I did. I knew exactly how he felt. Edward had become such a huge part of my life, so ingrained that even when I wasn't consciously thinking about him, he was always there with ghostly murmurs and thoughts.

My life without Edward would be no life at all.

There was not a piece of me he didn't know, not a moment I didn't want him by my side. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him, even without him asking. There was_ nothing_ I wouldn't do to keep him safe and sound.

"I'm sorry, Jasper, I didn't mean to dump all this on you, I just…just got home and had to hear you. I almost called you last night, I needed to know it wasn't you. Even if his ID said Jaxen, I needed to be sure, but I concentrated on him, telling myself I was foolish for thinking you weren't alright. It just a hit a bit too close to home, being the same club…"

The club had been nice, in a safe area, but it didn't matter. The bastards that beat him didn't care about where it was, just that he was gay. A life was taken simply because he preferred men.

Like Edward.

Like me.

I remembered being beat the truck stop. The damage they inflicted was nothing compared to that of Jaxen, and for an entirely different reason. I had never told Edward about that, and right then, I was thankful I hadn't. He certainly didn't need the worry.

"I gotta go, love, but please promise me something?"

"Anything," I replied quietly.

"Please be careful, for me, please, love," he repeated.

My heart ripped open, oozing as I gathered courage. "Edward,"

"Yeah?"

"I…I lo-"

"Don't say it. Just come home, Jasper. Tell me in person," he bargained.

I hoped I could.

"I have to go, I will see you soon," his voice sounded lighter, hopeful.

"I miss you, Edward. Please take care of yourself," I requested.

"Always, Jasper."

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading…so how much do you all hate me right now? Do I need to change my name and zip code?


	12. Never Can Say Goodbye

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-For those that read S&S as well, you will notice that updated at the same time. This is because S&S and L&F will begin to mesh quite a bit for the next few chapters, so they will be posted simultaneously. Also, those that read S&S first will notice some scenes repeated here (and visa versa) with a L&F twist of course.

Warning: derogatory language near the end. Oh, and the angst I mentioned last chapter? As they say, so it begins.

This Peter is the AU of S&S Peter, in L&F, he and Charlotte are not married.

My lovely beta is busy with work so this chapter is unbeta'd, all errors are mine and mine alone. Huge hugs to **Dannie** for the encouragement and feedback.

**"**~~**"**

Never Can Say Goodbye

Location: Abilene, TX (Conflicted)

**"**~~**"**

Even though the pain and heartache Seem to follow me wherever I go  
Though I tried and tried to hide my feelings  
They always seem to show  
Then you try to say you're leaving me  
And I always have to say "No"  
Tell me why is it so?  
That I never can say goodbye ~Gloria Gaynor

"**~~**"

"I know something happened, Jasper." I shook my head, denying his accusation. "Fuck, don't give me that shit, I know you, I can tell," he sighed, plopping down on the couch next to me.

It was late, a few hours since I had gotten off the phone with Edward. After his call, I had sat in the bedroom for a few minutes absorbing the story he had told me. With my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands, the tears started. The mixture of fear and relief in Edward's voice had been staggering, ripping me to the core. Guilt overwhelmed me, he had needed me, even if just to hold his hand and offer support on what he had witnessed, and I hadn't been there.

I had been with Peter.

Touching him, kissing him, coming with him.

There would be moments in our lives that we wouldn't always be there for each other, that was a given and I accepted it. But I felt I had let Edward down, I had been selfish coming back to Texas to relieve a childhood long since gone.

But I had to. I had to see Peter, I had to say goodbye to what could have been, to what he and I might have had. Although I hadn't expected such an intimate goodbye, it had been what we both needed, and I only realized that after we had left the river.

It had been silent in the truck as he drove home. I had sat next to him with my head resting on his shoulder, his hand holding mine in my lap as we made the relatively short drive back to his house. Our tryst had been powerful, primal, full of need and want, desire and passion…and yet…

It had been Edward's name that I associated with love.

Though there was no doubt I loved Peter. It was just…different. It was the love of possibility, of broken dreams, of something that you know is there but never quite becomes tangible, something you can't quite explain or put words to.

With Edward it was everything else.

Somehow over the years, Edward had weaved our lives together so completely that each and every breath I had was for him, because of him. He was the one that gave me the strength to face every day, to wake up, to try to be the person I wanted to be no matter how many times I fell short. He was always there to pick up my broken pieces. The one time he needed me to pick up his pieces, I had failed him by not being there-once again falling short of the man he deserved.

Of the love he deserved.

When we had arrived back home, Peter and I walked into his house, our hands together until we reached the threshold, then he squeezed mine tightly before letting it go and walking into the house where Charlotte had greeted us with excitement while Bella just smiled and rolled her eyes at the shopping horror stories Charlotte began to tell us.

When I had walked back out into the living room after the call, Peter's eyes never left me as he watched me with the intensity of an animal watching its prey. Even as I attempted to hide it, his uncanny ability to read my moods allowed him to see something was upsetting me. Bella too had sensed something, offering me an out of the blue hug. After a few hours, Charlotte and Bella had gone to bed, but Peter had stayed up with me, joining me on the couch bare-chested in his soft, gray pajama bottoms.

Gently, he placed a hand on my thigh.

"Jasper?" he hedged. With a heavy sigh, I laid my head on his shoulder seeking a comfort I didn't deserve.

Taking a deep breath, I began to tell him what had happened, what Edward had witnessed and the end result. As I told the story, I could see emotions flash in his eyes, each one there mere seconds before moving onto the next; anger, sympathy, jealousy, frustration and grief before they finally settled on affection.

Vivid and clear, his affection for me was strong and deep and willing.

When I finished, he shook his head. "I can't believe shit like that still happens in this country. I mean, not that it's acceptable anywhere, but I can understand it happening down here where there is less tolerance, but up there?" he paused. "It just ain't fucking right. Some poor kid loses his fucking life because he likes dick. Big fucking deal. He wasn't hurting anyone, he was just living his life…" he stopped, as if he was at a loss for words.

"I didn't realize that hate crimes still happened. I thought it had gone away in the nineties but I guess not."

"Nah, shit Jasper, it happens all the fucking time and it sucks. Just last year in Tye a gay boy was dragged through a field behind a truck after he was caught looking at someone in the locker room at his high school. The kids that did it said the boy needed to be cleaned of his sins. Worst part? The fucking jury bought their defense. They fucking got off with time served and a few fines. "

Stunned, I lifted my head and looked at him. "Are you serious?"

"Sure as shit am."

I almost didn't dare ask. "Did he…"

"Nah, he lived. Paralyzed from the waist down though."

He hesitated for a minute and then continued, "Then over in Gail about, oh I don't know, three or four months ago, another boy was beaten to death, they haven't made any arrests yet. The worst part, his funeral was crashed by some anti-gay rights group. They protested his funeral. His poor fucking parents buried their son while people chanted 'the faggot is dead' outside the church."

"Jesus," I murmured, realizing I had led a sheltered life. All of my experiences with Edward had been in the privacy of our own home. Only once had we ventured out into public, and even then it had been to a gay club where we had done nothing more than dance and kiss. I had never realized, or put much thought into, what life would be like out of the closet.

Fuck, it had been with Peter that I realized I _was_ gay, that I was attracted to men, that it was with a man that I wanted to spend my time and devote myself to…but at what cost? To stay closeted meant denying one's real self, to be ashamed of whom you were, but to come out, to be open and free suddenly seemed so fucking dangerous.

Dangerous was not an option.

Why was life so difficult for us, why were we forced to make a choice between openly expressing our love for someone, possibly risking our lives, or pretending to be something we were not? Straight couples sailed happily along in their perfect houses with their two-point-four kids, able to fuck each other with the shades open if they wanted…but not us. We had to sneak around, holding hands clandestinely while stealing kisses in the dark.

We had to give blow jobs in the back rooms of seedy bars. We had to jerk each other off on the banks of remote rivers.

"Hey," Peter nudged me. "You alright?" he asked in his perfect drawl.

"Yeah. Just thinking…"

"Well, don't strain yourself," he joked before standing up. "Come on, let's go to bed. It's late, and tomorrow is your big day."

Glancing at the clock, I smiled and stood up, my chest almost touching his. Gasping, he bit his lip before bringing his hand up to cup me cheek.

"It's after midnight. Happy birthday," he whispered before placing a sweet kiss on my lips. Slowly, he pulled away and headed for his room. Just before he reached the hallway, he turned around. "Oh, Jasper, about tomorrow. What do you say we go out dancing, ya know, take your mind off shit. "

"What about the party at Charlotte's?" I asked as I stretched my arms above my head. His eyes roamed over me, admiring the way my shirt rose to expose my stomach as my pajama pants sat low on my hips. Quickly, I lowered my arms and gave him an apologetic smile.

Clearing his throat, he smiled. "We can hit the party for a bit, then head over to this bar I know. They won't even know we're gone, Charlotte will cover for us. It'll be fun."

"Okay, sounds good. Night, Peter," I said quietly.

As he turned for his room, I heard him reply, "Night, Jazz."

I went into the bedroom I shared with Bella and climbed into bed. Behind her I lay, listening to her sleepy, steady breaths. Snuggling in close behind her, I inhaled her comforting scent and closed my eyes, my mind restless with images of a poor boy bleeding and alone.

I never slept.

"**~~**"

The next day after breakfast Charlotte and Bella had left early to go help Charlotte's parents get ready for the barbeque later that night.

As soon as she was out the door and in her truck, I looked at Peter. "Ready?"

The mischievous glint in his eye got brighter and he nodded. "Damn straight, I'm ready. Been waiting years to do this." Peter agreed as he gathered his wallet and keys. "Can't believe we've waited since we were fourteen to get these done. What better way to celebrate your birthday."

"Since the day we became blood brothers," I reminded him. "Do you know what you're getting?" I asked as we climbed into his truck.

"I was thinking of getting the words 'cepi corpus'," he chuckled.

"What's it mean?"

"'I got the body'," he said seriously.

"You're so full of shit," I smirked at him, tipping my hat down to shade my eyes from the sun as he pulled out onto the street.

The parlor was well-lit and comfortable with a waiting room and a pleasant girl behind the counter. Peter greeted her by name as he approached and asked if Jay was in.

"Sure, let me go get him," she answered, stepping out to the back room. A minute later, Jay walked in, dressed in a black tee shirt and jeans, both his arms were covered with intricate, colored tattoos. Grinning, he held his hand out to Peter.

"Shit, Peter, been forever, how are ya man?" Jay greeted happily.

Peter shook his hand before turning to me. "I'm great. Do you remember Jasper Whitlock?"

"No fucking way," he looked at me in awe. "Little shit that used to chase my sister around the Base, right? I haven't seen you since junior high. How the hell you been?"

"Good, living up in Seattle now. Just came back for a visit," I replied, shaking his hand.

"Sweet, sweet," he replied before turning to Peter. "You ready?"

Peter motioned to me. "He's getting one too."

Jay asked me, "Ya know what you want or do you need to look through some designs?"

"I know."

"Great. Well come back here, boys and let's get you setup." He led us through a door and into an open room with three leather chairs that resembled dentist chairs and a screen around each one to offer privacy. Peter immediately pulled his shirt off over his head and put it on a table. Jay pulled on some gloves and began swabbing Peter's shoulder with a cotton ball. "You guys can sit over there if you want," Jay informed me, pointing to a stool nearby. I grabbed one and dragged it closer to watch his work on Peter.

After preparing the area on Peter's shoulder where he wanted the tattoo on, Jay applied the transfer and pulled it off. Holding up a mirror for Peter, he asked gruffly, "That what you want?"

"Perfect," Peter smiled and winked at me as Jay began with the needles. "Damn, that stings," Peter groaned.

"Pussy," Jay mumbled as he continued without hesitation. Slowly and precisely, Jay worked on Peter as I watched. They talked about mutual friends and gossiped to me about some old friends from the Base. Before we knew it, Jay put the tool down and admired his work. "Looks fucking great if I do say so myself."

"Always were a bit conceited," Peter sighed, "Got that mirror." Jay held it up and Peter grinned. "Shit man, you're right, it does looks great."

Jay turned to me. "What do you think?"

Four Latin words were written in an elegant script, thin swirls extending from the 'M's, 'A' and 'F', each letter shaded in faint shades of red and blue. "Meus amicus, meus frater," I read quietly, "My friend, my brother," I translated.

"Damn right," Peter returned my smile and I held fist out for him to bump. Jay finished applying the ointment, then a bandage to Peter's tattoo and tossed him his shirt.

"Please cover up the goods," he chuckled before turning to me. "Your turn."

Slowly, I tugged my tee shirt over my head and put it on the same table Peter had. Slightly embarrassed to be standing in front of them shirtless, I felt my cheeks warm up. Shaking my head, I pushed my waves back off my face, tucking them behind me ears.

"Speaking of goods," Peter winked.

"Fuck off," I rolled my eyes and climbed into the chair, resting my elbow on the arm.

Jay had brought over sterile supplies and was setting them up as he began to ask me a few questions. Handing me a piece of paper, I wrote down what I wanted and how I wanted it to look. He asked me a few detailed questions as he prepared my upper left arm the same way he had Peter's shoulder. Peter sat on the stool and watched. Self conscious of him watching me so closely, I kept my eyes in my lap or looking around the shop. It stung at first, but gradually became a rather numb feeling, the pin pricks dipping the ink into my skin. When he was done, I held my arm up for inspection, the elegant script letters were the same exact style as Peter's.

"Looks great, man," Peter complimented his approval.

"Yeah?" I asked as I looked at it in the mirror. "Thanks, Jay. It's just what I wanted." I waited as he applied the ointment.

"Do ut facias?" Peter murmured before forcing his eyes from my newly stained skin to my eyes.

"'I give so that you may do'," I whispered, looking down at my lap, and I swear he gasped. Jay covered it up with a bandage and handed me my shirt. Standing, I pulled it on over my head, my arm a sensitive as the material skimmed it. "Ready to go?" I asked Peter.

"Thanks for coming in. Great to see you again, Jasper," he held out his hand again.

Shaking it, I replied, "You too, thanks for the tattoos. You do great work."

"Thanks. You guys can pay Amy out front," he ushered us through the door to Amy. After paying, we walked outside into the heat of the mid-day sun.

"Where to now?" Peter asked as we headed to his truck.

"Let's go grab some lunch," I opened the door and got in the truck. "Then we should head over to Charlotte's and help out."

"Yeah, we probably should," he agreed.

"**~~**"

"I can't believe how many people are here?" I told him as we unloaded the trucks.

"See? I told you they wouldn't miss us when we leave later," he winked as he brushed by me carrying a cooler. Bella helped Charlotte and Betty finish decorating while Peter and I helped Jack with a small dance floor and stage. Guests began to arrive, each and every one bringing dishes of food to add to the buffet tables. As I spoke with Charlotte about the band that was warming up, Peter came up behind me.

"Come with me," he demanded in a soft tone before reaching for my hand. With an apologetic look to Charlotte, I followed Peter toward the barn. It was wide with stalls lining both sides, the middle isle was uncluttered and clean. It barely smelled like a barn.

"It's really nice," I said, dropping his hand, I headed toward the first stall. Most were empty, the horses spending a good portion of the day out in the fields. Each stall was large with a nameplate at the top. A large chestnut stuck his head over the half door as I approached holding my hand out confidently to stroke the blaze on his face. "He's beautiful," I smiled, looking up at his nameplate. "Hello, Impish," I greeted. Peter came to my side with a carrot in his hand.

"Remember when we used to borrow them?" he asked, that mischievous glint became a roaring blaze.

"You mean steal?" I challenged with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey, we always returned them, no harm done," he gave me the lethal combination of his mischievous glint and wicked grin. Laughing, I recalled the many times we had 'borrowed' their horses, wanting to get to the river the quickest way possible. Sometimes our bikes were not an option, so we would sneak into the fields, jump on a horse bareback and ride them down the river. We were pretty successful until the first time a horse stopped and Peter didn't. He went flying off, breaking his collarbone with a hard snap as he hit the ground.

"Did Charlotte every find out?" I asked as I fed Impish the carrot.

"Nope, and I don't plan on telling her either," he smirked. "It's between you and me. Come on," he grabbed my hand again, tugging me toward the stairs. Lithely, he took them two by two as I followed closely behind him. When we reached the hayloft, we walked to the edge and looked out the open window. Low in the sky before us sat the sun with its last rays of the day splaying out across the vast sky in brilliant shades of orange, pink, and even some purple. As we stood there in complete silence, we watched as the earth seemed to swallow the sun. The lower it got, the faster it seemed to move. Moving behind me, he wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder. "Remember watching the sunsets at the top of that hill?"

I wanted to say yes, I wanted to tell him I would never forget. Instead, I lay my head on his shoulder and nodded, my hands sliding over his hands, my fingers weaving with his.

"It's beautiful," I finally commented. His breath was warm on my cheeks as he exhaled. It was so hard, so hard to resist falling into him, to pull him into the hay and let him make me his. His warmth was comforting and exciting at the same time, enticing me every second he was near, with every beat of his heart. "We should go," I pulled away quickly and turned for the stairs before I did something would further regret.

Just I reached the top of the stairs, he grabbed my wrist, yanking me back to him. Shoving me hard against the wall, he pressed his body to mine, every inch of him flushed against me. I felt heat radiating from him, his tee shirt clinging tightly to his sweaty chest. Shocked, I stared at him, watching his eyes as they transformed before me with a deep seated undercurrent of stormy need.

Securely held by him, I gazed at him as I felt his fingers dust along the sensitive skin of my neck and a lazy grin graced his face.

"Peter?" I gasped as his hand went behind me, curling his fingers into the damp waves at the nape of neck. His other hand closed over my hip, keeping me to him tightly as he ground his hips into me, I felt his erection, hard and desperate, rub against my own growing length. The wood behind me was rough and unforgiving, scratching me through the thin cotton of my shirt.

With his forehead to mine, he spoke in a hushed, pleading tone, "Feel that?" He rolled his hips forward for emphasis, his cock straining in his jeans, encouraging mine to do the same. "Does he want you like I want you, Jasper?" he asked in short breaths. On a quiet moan, I parted my lips, but didn't answer his question. "Does he?" he repeated with a sharp thrust of his hips.

I trembled.

"Tell me, Jasper, tell me we don't belong together," he commanded softly, righteously. My body betrayed me, responding to him in every way, my racing heart, aching cock, and flushed cheeks all exposed my desire for him. Even my hands had found their way to his shoulders, gripping them tightly as I tried to resist the temptation that was pure Peter.

"Please…" I began, my voice shaky and uncertain.

"Please what, Jasper?" he asked, his breath sweet and hot on my face. I wanted nothing more than to dart my tongue out and lick the sweat the beaded just above his lips.

"Don't make me choose," I finally blurted out. Lifting his head, he eyed me, looking for traces of what was us in me, searching for the love that I had for him, even though it now stood in the shadows of another. "Because…it'll be…him." I looked away, barely focusing on something behind him on the far wall. Sighing, he laid his forehead on my shoulder, his hips still keeping me against the wall, his erection still pulsing in anticipation. Releasing my hip, he dragged his fingers up my side, over my chest to my neck where they traced the silver pendant.

"Is this from him?" he asked knowingly without spite or anger. Nodding, I felt my pulse jump as his fingers brushed over the soft skin. "What does it stand for?"

"Courage," I answered simply. He brought his eyes to mine, and I saw a tenderness that surprised me. He was touched by Edward's thoughtfulness.

"I can feel what I do to you, Jasper. I know how I make you feel." A slight sensuous buck of his hips proved he did know how he made me feel as my cock ached in my jeans.

"Y…yes," I whispered, ashamed at my want.

"I can see your internal battle. It's in your eyes. Dark, conflicted, lost…"

Licking my lips, I stared at him, certain if he were to move again, I might have lost the battle I was trying to hard to fight with honor.

"I don't suppose you want to take care of my little problem for me, huh?" he chuckled sadly. Weaving my fingers into his hair, I pulled his head up to look at me.

"I know for a fact it's not 'little'," I gave him a small smile in hopes of breaking the blanket of tension I had pulled over us. Slowly, he released his hold on my hair and pushed away from me. I leaned my head back against the wall, collecting myself while he walked to the stairs.

"Coming?" he asked, holding out his hand. Nodding, I pushed off the wall and joined him.

Just as we exited the barn, I was greeted by Charlotte who grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the crowd.

"Everyone," she called out. "This is our birthday boy, Jasper."

My cheeks turned scarlet as birthday wishes came from people I had never met before. Strangers came up and greeted me, introducing themselves as some relation to Charlotte. Eventually, the line faded and Betty announced it was time to eat, a rush of people swarmed the buffet tables, piling food on their plates. Bella came up behind me with her plate.

"Have you ever seen anything like this?" she asked in awe.

"It's the way we do things down here," I shrugged, realizing I had said the word 'we' instead of 'they'. I was beginning to include myself as a Texan again and I smiled at the thought.

It truly was my home.

Gathering our food, we took it to the table where Peter and Charlotte sat. Across from them, Bella and I sat next to each other and began eating. Chatter was all around us, everyone gossiping or talking about work and families. Peter and I told some more stories, mostly embarrassing ones for me, to Bella.

"Hey y'all," Betty spoke from the microphone on the stage, and everyone turned their attention to her. "First, thank y'all for coming all the way out here for our little party. Please help yourselves to more food, but we're going to get the party rumbling with some music. Where are you, Jasper?" she asked scanning the crowd. Bella pushed my back and I raised my hand. "There you are," she pointed at me. "There's the birthday boy. Happy birthday, darlin', and this first one is for you."

Behind her a small band had gathered, picking up their instruments. As she walked off the stage they began to play Garth Brook's "Friends in Low Places". Everyone broke out into laughter and began making their way to the small dance floor.

"Well shit, ain't that a fitting song," Peter laughed.

"You would know," Charlotte challenged with a smile. "Come on, dance with me," she stood, pulling on his hand.

Turning to Bella I raised an eyebrow in a silent invitation.

She began shaking her head. "No, no, I can't," she argued.

"Why not, you danced at Gilly's? Come on, Bella, it's my birthday." I lowered my chin and pouted my lips.

"So not fair with the pouty lips," she sighed heavily, holding out her hand, which I grabbed quickly before she could change her mind. Practically dragging her, we made our way to the crowded floor. Turning, I took her into my arms and she placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Remember the steps?" I asked and she nodded. Then we were two-stepping our way around the floor, weaving in and out of other couples like we had been doing it all our lives. Bella's feet moved effortlessly as we kept our hold. Peter and Charlotte smiled at us every time we neared them, and Bella would smile back proudly.

"I think it's time for a twirl," she suggested.

Surprised, I looked down at her. "Well, aren't you livin' la vida loca," I grinned. "Ready?"

"Yep." We took our two slow steps before she released me and twirled before coming back to me for our two quick steps. Glancing up at me, she winked, proud of her accomplishment.

Two songs later, we sat down and Peter whispered in Charlotte's ear. Smiling, she nodded in response. Peter turned to Bella.

"Bella, you mind if I steal Jasper for a few hours? There's a place I wanna take him for his birthday," he turned on all his southern charm for what it was worth.

It worked on me, but Bella was a tougher sell.

"What, a strip club?" she asked with a giggle.

"They are called gentlemen clubs now, and no, that's not where I'm taking him," he shook his head. Tilting his head, he looked up at her though his lashes. "Come on, darlin' it's the last time I'll see him on his birthday."

"Sure," Bella sighed and looked at Charlotte. "Will your parents mind?"

"Nah, they won't even notice, not with the family here an' all." Peter stood up quicker than I thought possible and kissed Charlotte's hair, whispering his thanks. We quietly headed for his truck, climbing in, he started it up.

"Where are we going?" I asked as I rolled down my window and took my hat off, letting the wind control my curls. "I'm not exactly dressed fancy." I looked down and pulled at my tee shirt.

"Don't worry about it, you look fine," he glanced at me before pulling out onto the main road. The sexual tension from earlier still remained, but it was subdued, calmed by our slight distance and his self control, which I sorely lacked. "Hey, remember that year the Major took us camping for your birthday?" he started laughing before he was even finished asking the question.

"Fuck, yes, that was a mess of a weekend, what could go wrong-"

"Went wrong," he finished for me. The drive went fast while we reminisced about camping and life on the Base. Pulling into a parking lot, he turned off the truck. Reaching over me, he opened his glove box and pulled out his wallet. "Might need this," he smiled as he slammed the door closed.

We got out and headed toward the sidewalk. Not recognizing the surroundings, I looked around, trying to figure out where we were. It was dark, only slight light from the occasional neon sign in a window lit up the sidewalk.

"How far?" I asked, easily keeping pace with Peter's stride.

Shrugging, he glanced around warily. "About a block," he replied as he pointed ahead. "See that red sign? That's it."

I stopped walking. "The Cock Fight?" I asked and he stopped and turned around with a raise eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Well, yeah, but not with rosters," he winked and turned back around, expecting me to follow him.

I did.

Mumbling under my breath the entire time, even as I saw him trying to avoid the smile that tugged at his lips, we arrived at the door. Peter flashed the bouncer his smile and ID, who gave it no more than a fleeting glance.

At least this time I knew what to expect.

I wasn't surprised when we entered and there were shirtless men bouncing on the dance floor under lights that flashed with the beat of the music.

I wasn't surprised when a man brushed behind me, his hand casually grabbing a handful of my ass as he did so.

I wasn't surprised when a boy to my left winked and smiled at Peter before waving him over.

I was surprised when Peter went.

Wrapping his arms around the other boy's neck while the boy's hands went straight to Peter's hips, they swayed together. Watching them closely from the edge of the floor, I saw them talking, Peter offering more than one of his brilliant smiles to the boy. Thin, he had an innocent twink look to him that I had to admit was cute. He was shorter than Peter with dirty blond hair and dark eyes, he had a beautiful, free smile that he wore often while they danced.

They seemed comfortable with each other and I grew curious.

Sweat and the stale stench of alcohol hung in the air while groups of men danced together, some rather openly sexual while others were more conservative. When the song ended, Peter released his hold on the boy and motioned me over to them. Keeping my eyes on the boy as I approached, I walked up behind Peter, resisting the urge to put my arms around him.

Still in the boys hold, Peter turned to face me. "Riley, this is Jasper, Jasper, this is Riley" he paused, glancing behind him at Riley. "He's my ex," he admitted to me.

"Ex as in boyfriend?" I asked, a bit stunned, I had never seen Peter as the steady boyfriend type and my heart clenched a bit at the thought of someone else sharing his bed, his life…his cock.

My thoughts, and reactions, were unreasonable and I knew it.

Peter laughed along with Riley. "Yes, as in boyfriend. Is that so hard to believe?"

_Yes_.

"No," I lied as I tried to picture it in my head.

"We dated for, what was it?" he turned to Riley, who lifted his shoulders. "Six months? Something like that."

"You still seem… friendly," I choked out, a bitter taste in my mouth.

Riley grinned at me as he nibbled on Peter's ear. "We ended on good terms," Peter offered before taking Riley's hands and forcing him to release him. "I'm going to go dance with Jasper for a bit, save one for me later?"

"Anything for you, gorgeous" Riley replied in a sickly sweet voice. With a kiss to Riley's cheek, Peter took my hand and led me to the center of the dance floor just as the song changed.

Spinning, he turned to me, and wrapped his arms loosely around my neck. "This okay?" he asked, making sure I was comfortable with the physical closeness. With a growl, I grabbed his hips and pulled him to me, our chests rubbing as I swayed us back and forth.

"This is better," I mumbled, not liking the feelings that stirred deep in me. Jealousy was not something I wore well or often and I hated the weakness I felt due to it, but it was unavoidable. Deciding to lose myself for the moment, I closed my eyes and thought back to the night Edward and I had gone to the club. The blond boy I had danced with while Edward watched, how turned on he got, how fucking possessive he became when he met me on the floor. Taking the tie from his neck and putting it around mine.

Later that night with the tie….

"Mmm," Peter moaned at the motion of our bodies together, grinding and meeting over and over again in sensual, wanting ways. I knew then that I could be like that with Peter, I could openly show my desire for him without it having to progress, we could be friends and be flirtatious. He had done it with Riley, he had proven to me it could be done. It might take some restraint, some self discipline, but we could resist the urge to become sexual and keep it as the possible lovers we would always be. "Hear the song?"

I had only been feeling our bodies, his heat and flesh against mine, and had barely even noticed music was playing. The music was only an excuse to hold him to me one last time.

Bella and I were leaving the next day.

Previously, I had been excited to return to Seattle, and more importantly, to Edward, but the excitement had begun to wan and turn into something else altogether, an apprehension of sorts that troubled me.

Certainly, part of it was that I didn't want to leave Peter, or Texas, but there was something more, I just wasn't sure what.

Listening to the song, I smiled at him. For the first time in days, it was relaxed, happy and even a bit carefree. For that one last night, I was going to forget my worries and fears and enjoy it, enjoy the time I had left with my childhood friend who held my past in his heart.

"Never can say goodbye, boy" I sang with the song. "Tell me why is it so, I don't want to let you go."

Grinning, he tightened his hold on me and began singing back to me in a soft voice only meant for my ears. "Even though the pain and heartache seem to follow me wherever I go, though I tried and tried to hide my feelings, they always seem to show, then you try to say you're leaving me, and I always have to say no."

The words hit me harder than I expected, my heart aching even though his eyes were light and full of their mischief, I felt like I was doing the wrong thing.

Like leaving Texas was wrong.

Like leaving him was wrong.

"It's not wrong, Jasper," he whispered to me, just loud enough for me to hear. Had I spoke the words aloud? "It's what you need to do, and I understand. Let's…" he smiled thoughtfully. "Let's just enjoy tonight."

Nodding, I kissed his forehead and murmured against it. "Thank you for letting me go."

I would have left regardless, I would have returned to Edward, there was no doubt, but having Peter tell me it was what I needed to do, that reassurance was exactly what I needed to hear.

I belonged with Edward.

Giving me a sad smile, he nodded and tightened his arms around my neck. Song after song, we danced in each other's arms, sometimes separating for the faster songs, but our hands were always on each other, even the slightest touch reassuring the other that we were still there for that one last night together. The lights and other boys faded away, nothing distracting me from Peter as he owned me all night. We were together until Riley came up behind Peter, putting his hand on his shoulder casually as he whispered in his ear. Peter smiled and nodded, his hands still holding mine as we moved to the song.

"Riley wants one last dance, do you mind?" Peter asked hopefully.

I wanted to say yes and tell Riley to fuck off, but I nodded and released his hands. Backing away slowly, I watched as Riley turned Peter around to face him, his hands going straight to Peter's waist, crawling up under the hem of Peter's shirt and up his back as he pressed himself completely to Peter's body. Even in the dark, I saw his hands drawing lazy circles on Peter's smooth back as he buried his face into Peter's neck, closing his eyes.

Peter lowered his head to Riley's shoulder and they moved gently to the music.

It was sweet and caring and hard to watch.

"Wanna dance?" the dreaded words were asked by a tall boy next to me. Barely glancing at him, I shook my head.

There was only one set of arms I wanted around me.

He took the hint and scampered away into the crowed. Just then the DJ announced the last song of the night. Thinking it would be a good time to go get a drink, I turned to head to the bar but a hand on my shoulder stopped me.

"One last time?" his silky voice touched my soul. He didn't wait for my answer; he just took my hand and led me back to the floor. As I pulled him to me, my arms around his waist, his around my neck, I looked at him.

"Where's Riley?" I asked.

"Ssshhh," he said. "No Riley, no Edward, just me and you one last time, Jasper," he told me but it sounded more like a request.

_One last time_.

They sounded so final, so fucking scary. Nausea rose in my stomach at the mention of those words, and I pulled him to me, not leaving any space between us. He rested his head on my shoulder, and I laid mine against his, his hair tickling my cheek as I nuzzled him.

We simply held each other.

One last time.

After the song, the house lights came up, their brightness irritating to eyes that had grown accustomed to the dark.

"Time to go," he murmured into my chest.

I didn't want to let him go.

But I did.

Slowly, I lifted my head and released my hold on him. Before he slipped away, he kissed my cheek.

"Thanks, Jasper," he said as he stepped back and stretched. "Let's get the fuck out of here," he grinned. Spotting Riley near the door, we headed over to say good night. He hugged Peter.

"Don't be such a stranger, gorgeous," he said as he embraced him.

"I won't," Peter promised, placing a kiss on Riley's cheek.

"Jasper, night to meet you," Riley said as he pulled back from Peter and held out his hand. Shaking it, I smiled.

"You too. Take care of him, huh?" I requested.

"You bet," he winked.

"I don't need a fucking babysitter," Peter laughed as we headed for the exit. "I do just fine on my own."

The cool air was refreshing on our sweaty bodies as we left and turned right, heading down the dark sidewalk toward the parking lot. There were sounds in the distances, a few cars, some laughing and chattering, but for the most part, we were alone in our walk.

Tentatively, Peter reached over and grabbed my hand, weaving his fingers with mine while we walked silently. The fact at that we seemed to be walking extra slowly did not go unnoticed by me, as if we were both trying to drag out the night for as long as we possibly could. With a sigh, Peter laid his head against my arm.

"Well, look at what we have here. A couple of faggots." The voice was harsh, loud and slurred.

Peter and I both stopped, our hands immediately letting go of the other. Standing up straight, Peter glanced behind him out of the corner of his eyes.

"Three," he whispered. Nodding, I acknowledged him and kept walking, our pace quickening as we ignored them behind us. I heard their footsteps gaining on us, getting louder and more consistent.

"Aw how cute, did you see that, the fucking fairies were holding hands," another voice exclaimed. My heart pounded in my chest, adrenaline rushing through me at unknown speed. I thought back to the night at the truck stop, images of being hit all too fresh in my mind.

"Fucking fairies is right," the first voice replied.

"Fuck," Peter murmured and stopped walking.

There weren't three of them.

There were six.

Three behind us and three in front of us. They had appeared from an alley to our right, one held a long piece of metal, the other two were empty handed.

We were surrounded.

"Hey guys," one of the guys in front of us called out to his friends. He wasn't very tall, but he was muscular with black hair slicked back. "These friends of yours?" he mocked.

"Fuck no, we don't hang out with no fucking queers," someone replied.

With an evil grin, the one that spoke in front of us glanced at Peter. "You're kinda cute, queer. Want to suck my dick?"

"Fuck off," Peter sneered. Peter had a temper; I had seen it many times. He also knew how to fight, but the odds were stacked against us is more than one way. We were out numbered and out powered. We had no weapons.

They had numbers and weapons.

"Oh, your boyfriend is feisty," he smiled at me with the same evilness. I wanted to reply as Peter had, but I remained quiet, glaring at them in hopes they would get bored and leave.

I wasn't so lucky.

"What should we do with them?" a small hesitant voice asked from behind us.

"I want a fucking blow job," the guy with the pipe replied. "I want to fuck his mouth," he pointed to Peter. "You guys hold him down while I do that."

Peter couldn't let it go. "You don't think me sucking your dick makes you a faggot?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Shut the fuck up," he replied, his hand balling up into a fist. Behind me, I heard them gathering closer to Peter and me, circling around us. "Let's take them to the lot, teach them a few things about talking back."

"Are we going to fuck them up," someone asked eagerly.

"Fuck yes, after I have my way with that one," the other instructed, "while his fucking faggot boyfriend watches."

I was tense, ready to either fight or flight, I was waiting from the cue to Peter as to what he wanted to do. My fists clenched at my sides as my eyes scanned our surroundings quickly. We were still a block from the truck, the dark alley to our right looked ominous and it was dark behind us, the club having closed and people had left.

We had little choice.

If we survived it was going to hurt.

Suddenly, I was grabbed from behind, strong arms wrapped around my chest, pinning my arms to my sides. Peter spun to help but was too late, and he was grabbed from behind as well.

"Teach you faggots how we do things with fags in the south, eh? We don't right like your kind much down here, got no use for you," their leader said as he approached Peter with a leer. "Should just line you all up and shoot you is what we should do." His hands fisted Peter's tee shirt.

"Get your fucking hands off me," Peter raged, moving against the two men that held him. My mind raced with possibilities and different scenarios.

"Make me," the guy smirked as he ripped Peter's tee shirt into two pieces and gazed at his newly exposed chest. Drawing his arm back, he hit Peter directly in the stomach with a forceful blow. The air escaped Peter in a loud gasp and I saw him tighten his stomach muscles in preparation for the next punch, which came seconds later. Repeatedly, Peter absorbed blow after blow.

The two quick jabs to Peter's jaw and blood gathered on the corner of his lips as he stood up straight, ready for the next hit.

But it didn't come.

"You think because you can take a few punches, you're a man, huh? You ain't nothing but a faggot who likes dick up his ass. Tell me queer, how does it feel to have a cock in your ass? Huh? Answer me!"

Peter glared at him silently for a few seconds before he spat some blood onto the ground, hitting the man's shoes. "Let me fuck you and then you can tell me?"

The fist struck his eye, Peter's head flying to side just in time to get hit with the other fist coming from the other direction. Breathing heavy, the man stopped, his hands going to Peter's pants, undoing the button and zipper, he yanked Peter's jeans and underwear down to his thighs.

"What the fuck!" I screamed. Peter's head lulled as he swayed in and out of consciousness. I was helpless to do anything. Already hurt and bleeding, I feared it was only the beginning of what could happen to him.

Of what could happen to us.

I had never been more scared in my life.

"And it thought a queer would have a bigger dick than that. Fag, you ain't got nothing bigger than a twig," he laughed. "I see you got no balls either."

"What you gonna do?" the hesitant voice asked. Their leader turned to one of the guys holding me.

"First, I'm gonna fuck his mouth, then I'm gonna cut his dick off and feed it to him. Teach him about being a fucking faggot in Texas," he grinned at his last words. "And that one there," he pointed at me. "You boys can do whatever you want with him, take him for a ride behind the truck, beat shit out of him, fuck him, I don't care." He paused, glancing around. "Take them to the alley."

Kicking and thrusting against them, they began to push me while the others dragged Peter, his feet barely holding him upright as they forced us into the dark abyss of the alley. About half-way down they stopped and held Peter against a brick wall. When I looked down toward the street for help, I realized we were hidden by a few dumpsters. My mind reeled as I tried to figure a way out of our impossible situation. Bare-chested with his pants down, Peter's arms were gripped tightly as the leader began to undo his own pants.

"On his knees," he demanded, and Peter was pushed roughly to his knees, his skin scraped as he fell onto the pavement. His pants undone, the guy stepped forward and grabbed Peter's hair, ripping it out as he jerked Peter's head back hard. "Suck me, faggot," he commanded as he put one hand on his soft dick and began to put it in Peter's mouth.

"Fuck you," Peter murmured, clamping his mouth shut with what little strength he had left. After a few unsuccessful attempts at opening Peter's mouth, the leader turned to me.

"Well if he ain't gonna do it, then you are," he curled his lip as he spoke. "One queer is just as good as the other."

I looked down at Peter, his head hanging as he wheezed and sucked air into his lungs. Blood seeped from the wounds on his face, one eye and his lips were beginning to swell. Twenty minutes earlier, he had been standing strong in my arms, singing to me as his scent surrounded me while we danced and smiled and laughed.

Now he was broken in a dark alley, his life in danger.

And it was my fault.

If we hadn't gone out, if I had said no, if it wasn't my birthday…if we weren't gay.

So many 'ifs' and not one held the answer I needed right then, the one that would save our asses.

If this was it, it my life was over as I knew it, then I wasn't going down without a fight. Tearing my eyes from Peter's bloodied, bruised and naked body, I looked at the leader, lifting my chin.

"Fuck you," I drawled out slowly, smiling.

He looked around at his posse before turning back to me, "Guess I had it wrong, this one is the feisty one. Maybe it should have been his mouth I wanted to fuck all along. He does have sweet lips that would look great around my cock." He reached down to his dick and took it in his hands again, stroking himself as he eyed me and licked his lips.

"Get him ready," he nodded to the guys holding me. Each with one hand, they reached around and grabbed the hem of my tee shirt, pulling it up to expose my torso before tugging it over my head so it gathered behind my neck. "Nice" the leader approved, gazing at my stomach. "Let's see if your dick is bigger than your boyfriends. You must like it when he fucks you hard, huh? Scream like a little bitch I bet," he clammy hands went to the button of my jeans and he popped it open.

"Leave him the fuck alone," Peter demanded as he struggled uselessly against the men holding him, earning him a knee to his ribcage. "Fuck," he gasped for air. "Don't fucking touch him," he growled, looking up at me with despair in his eyes.

"Shut him up," the leader called to his buddies holding Peter. The guy to his left kicked him hard in his side before hitting the back of his head with his elbow. "The only thing I want to hear is this guy's moans while I fuck his mouth." He palmed my cock as he began to lower my zipper. "Let's see what kind of goods you got, faggot."

I felt his hand inside my open jeans and just as I went to draw my knee up into his arm I heard a scream in the distance.

Confused, the leader stopped and spun around, his hardening cock bouncing at the movement. "What the fuck," he called out to his buddies, who just shrugged.

"HEY!" a familiar voice shouted from the end of the alley. "What's going on down there?"

_Riley. _

"RILEY, HELP!" I shouted as loud as I could. Footsteps, many of them, began to head toward us. Suddenly, I was released and immediately falling to the ground where I felt one swift kick to my side before they ran off in other direction. On my hands and knees, I crawled to Peter. I pulled him to me, cradling him in my lap, holding his face to my chest.

"Peter, you okay?" I asked worriedly as I forced his face up to look at me, checking over his injuries.

"Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened?" Riley asked, shocked, as he reached us and knelt before Peter. Reaching out, he tenderly brushed the back of his hand along Peter's bruised cheek.

"Call nine-one-one," I instructed.

"No," Peter whispered. "I don't want to deal with the police," he said weakly.

"But," I began and he shook his head with more strength and defiance.

"Please, Jasper. Just help me get home," he requested, lifting his head off my chest. Riley stood, offering his hand. Peter took it and we both helped him up. While Peter leaned against me, Riley pulled up his pants and did the button up just as another three men appeared. I reached behind my neck and pulled my shirt back over my head.

"What happened?" they asked simultaneously, looking at me and Peter.

"Some dickheads fucked with us," Peter choked out. "But we showed them, didn't we Jasper?" he attempted to chuckle but coughed instead. "Fuck that hurts," he groaned.

Riley cupped Peter's cheek, "You sure you're okay, gorgeous?"

Nodding, Peter gave him a smile, his swollen lips barely moving. "Yeah, thanks for the help, sweetheart. Jasper can get me home."

Riley glanced up at me and I nodded. "If you need anything, he has my number," he instructed. "Call me anytime. Come on guys," he turned to his friends and as they walked out the alley, I heard Riley begin to tell them about the scene he had discovered.

With my arm around Peter's waist and his around my shoulders, we ambled to this truck and I opened up the door and slid him into the passenger side. Grabbing his keys, I went to the driver's side and climbed in. Stopping as I went to start the truck, I took a deep breath.

"That was too close for comfort," I whispered.

Peter was leaning his head against the window and I saw him close his eyes. "That was nothing," he sighed. "We lived."

That we had.

But what kind of lives would we live with fear of it happening again over our heads all the time.

Inserting the keys, I started the truck and pulled out onto the street. In the dark cab, I reached over and took his hand in mine, clenching onto it tightly, no pretense of a casual touch, I needed to feel him, to know he was really okay.

When the first few notes of the all too familiar song came through the speakers, it hit me.

It all just fucking hit me.

The tears silently rolled down my cheeks unabashedly, I made no attempt to hide them. I accepted them for what they were and let them fall.

Peter opened his eyes and turned his head toward me, his voice barely a whisper. "You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am I'll come running, oh yeah baby, to see you again," he sang with the song, just as he had sung to me at the club, just as I had sung to Edward the night before I had left.

I took up where he left off, "Winter, spring, summer or fall, all you have to do is call, and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got a friend."

Our voice sang together quietly, each of them cracking slightly as the emotion of the words overwhelmed us both.

I had a friend, a dear friend, that would have done anything for me, and while I had always known that, his actions in the alley had shown me just how far he was willing to go for me. Bringing his hand to my lips, I kissed it, knowing he felt the dampness of my tears on my lips, but I didn't care.

I just…felt.

Pulling into his driveway, I turned the truck off and reluctantly let go of Peter's hand so I could get out. He slumped against me as soon as I opened his door, his ripped shirt revealing the misshapen discolored bruises that marred his beautiful body.

"Come on, beautiful," I mumbled as I put one of his arms over my shoulder and let him lean his weight on me as we walked to his door. We stumbled through and shuffled our way to his bedroom. Well after two in the morning, Charlotte and Bella had long since gone to bed, so as quietly as possible, I got Peter into his room. If Charlotte saw him hurt, she would kick my ass and I had had enough of that for one night.

After sitting him on the bed, he started to perk up a bit, knowing he was home and safe. Standing between his spread legs, I pulled off what was left of his shirt and tossed it on the floor.

"So much for that shirt," I tried to joke.

He shrugged. "Not one of my favorites anyway," he said as he stood on shaky legs and unbuttoned his pants. Seeing him struggle, I knelt and pulled them down for him. He put his hand on my shoulder as he stepped out of them and I tossed them with the shirt. Before me in only his boxer briefs, I could more clearly see his injuries. Gently, I touched them with the tips of my fingers before placing a kiss on each bruise that covered his abdomen. Then I lay my cheek against his thigh and sighed.

"I'm so sorry, Peter."

I was sorry for what had happened, that I was going to leave him…for everything.

"Hey," he said, putting his hands on my shoulders and pulling me up. "Jasper," he began, cupping my face in his hands. "Tonight was not your fault, don't you even think about taking the blame for those dickheads. Shit like that happens sometimes. It just part of being what we are."

"It shouldn't have to be," I sighed.

"No, it shouldn't but…it is," he gingerly sat down and I briefly wondered where the first aide kit that Bella had bought was.

"I'm going to go get something to clean you up," I said as I headed out of his room to the bathroom. Scrounging through their cabinet I found some ointment, and then I grabbed a towel and went to their kitchen to fill a bowl with some warm water. When I returned to the bedroom, Peter was still sitting up, leaning back on his palms with his eyes closed. He looked exhausted and battered. I placed the supplies down on the table and sat next to him. Dipping a corner of the towel in the water, I washed the cuts on his cheek and corner of his lip. He hissed at the contact, but didn't pull away. Once they were clean, I put some ointment on my finger and dabbed it on the wounds just like Bella had me. Finishing, I leaned back and admired my handy work. He looked less bloody, but not much better.

"Do you want some aspirin?" I asked as I placed the ointment on the table.

"Nah, it's going to hurt like a mother fucker tomorrow anyway, aspirin won't help," he uttered quietly. He reached up with his right hand to his left shoulder. "Can you check my tattoo for me?" Nodding, I turned so I could see his tattoo. The bandage was crumpled a bit but still attached. Carefully, I peeled the tape off and pulled the bandage back.

"It looks good, red, but not cut from the…" I stopped. "Do you want me to change the bandage?"

He shook his head, "Nah, I'll do it tomorrow. Thanks, man." I reapplied the bandage, pressing down on the tape gently. "Hey, can you get that bag over there," he asked and pointed to small bag sitting on a chair that was covered in clothes in the corner.

Standing, I walked over to it. "You need to seriously consider doing some laundry soon," I said, picking up the bag and returning to his side and handing it to him.

Shaking his head, he said, "No, it's for you. You're birthday present."

"Peter," I started but he interrupted.

"Just fucking open it," he raised an brow as if I would deny him in his condition. I reached in the bag and pulled out a tissue-wrapped gift. Tearing the paper, I revealed a picture, apparently taken the last time we were at Charlotte's parents, surrounded with a cherry stained wood frame. Carved at the top were the words "Texas Forever." Peter and I were sitting next to each other at a table, his arm was around my shoulders and my head inclined toward his so our heads were touching. Each of us wore a huge grin, my dimples showing while Peter's eyes sparkled with his glint.

We were everything best friends should be.

I ran my fingers over it reverently.

"It's beautiful," I whispered as a tear fell. "Thank you so much. It will treasure it forever." I leaned over and kissed him, on the mouth, tenderly.

When I pulled away he stared at me for a long time before putting his forehead to mine. "Texas forever," he smiled.

"Forever," I repeated. It didn't matter where I went, who I loved or where I lived, I was Texas born and bred, and it would forever be a part of me, and me a part of it. "Let's get you into bed," I suggested, standing up. Peter stood and pulled the sheet back on his bed and gingerly climbed in and slowly laid his head the pillows. I pulled my tee shirt over my head and threw it on the floor and began undoing my jeans. Peter eyed me.

"I'm okay, Jasper, you can go to Bella," he groaned as he moved to his side.

I toed my boots off. "No."

"Jasper, I'm fine," he sighed wearily. I pulled my pants down and stepped out of them.

"I'm not leaving you tonight," I defiantly answered. Down to my underwear, I got into the bed with him, lying down to face him on my side. He reached out and brushed my waves away from my face.

"No, but tomorrow you are," he whispered sadly. Unable to face the anguish that filled his eyes, I looked down and took his hand in mine, hoping to sooth some of our grief away, grief I shared with him. I wanted to take him in my arms, to hold him tight and close but I resisted for fear of hurting him further. I settled for holding his hand. "Will you come back someday?"

I brought my eyes back to his and nodded. "I promise."

With a smile playing at his lips, his eyes drifted closed as his exhaustion finally overtook his body. "Happy birthday, Jasper," he murmured before sliding into sleep.

I spent the night watching him, I told myself it was because I wanted to make sure he was okay, that there were no lasting effects of the beating he had sustained. For hours, I watched him breathe and sleep and sigh.

Lying next to him with my eyes open, I did what I had come to do, I said goodbye to the part of my life he would always hold.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~

How can you not love Peter? Poor guy….


	13. All Out of Courage

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-WARNING: This chapter contains sexual violence. The angst picks up…full steam ahead. The prologue for S&S…happens in this chapter.

Once again, S&S was updated with L&F, and there are duplicate scenes altered to fit this AU. If you read both, I would suggest reading S&S first.

My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise are my own.

As always, many thanks and lots of hugs to Dannie, this wouldn't be here without her.

"**~~**"

All Out of Courage

Location: Nowhere (Grief)

"**~~**"

"_All out of strength_

_All out of courage."_ –Sarah McLaughlin

"**~~**"

The silence was thick.

We had had silence before but it was different. It was me that didn't feel like talking, I just couldn't bring myself to begin a conversation.

She sat next to me, learning back against the headrest, just staring blankly out her open window, her hair whipped around her face from the force of the wind, after she had given up trying to pull me from the quiet I was sitting uncomfortably in. She had been eyeing me since early that morning when she had met me in the kitchen after seeing me walk out of Peter's bedroom. I knew she was confused, and part of me wanted nothing more than to tell her what had happened after we had left the party.

And part of me knew the details had to stay between only Peter and myself.

Peter had fallen asleep in my light grasp, as much as I had wanted to hold him to me as close as possible, I didn't want to hurt him further. As his eyes closed and he whispered happy birthday to me, I watched over him. The feeling of his almost naked body pressed against me was a rush I would never have the chance to get used to.

As dawn had broken and I fought sleep as it tried to take me, I saw his eyes open, well, one was almost swollen shut, but the other was open and staring at me intently as only Peter could. Still in the position he had fallen asleep in, he was facing me, his hand still clasped in mine. I swallowed hard, choking back some of the emotions threatening to betray my fake calmness.

I sighed, trying to act casual but felt my hand tighten around his a bit. He rolled me to my back, leaned against me and placed his chin on my chest

"Mornin'," he greeted. "What are you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about how to tell you that you snore louder than a fucking freight train."

"Fuck off, I do not," he smiled.

"Do too," I smirked. His other arm had come around to rest across my stomach, his thumb briefly lightly caressing the skin on my side before he dragged it up to my arm. I had taken the bandage off before getting into bed the night before. He tentatively touched my tattoo; his fingertips barely skimming the surface of my newly stained skin.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked.

"Nah, does yours?"

"Fuck, my entire body fucking aches, the tattoo is nothing compared to the rest of me," he admitted. His fingers never left my skin; instead, they constantly traced the pattern of the inked design. The more his fingers brushed over me, the quicker my resolve weakened.

Letting out a heavy sigh, he rolled onto his back with a groan. My skin immediately missed his presence, forcing me to follow him so that I was the one leaning over him on my elbow.

He looked up at me, surprised, confused, wanting.

I didn't see it, but I felt his hand skim along my arm up to my face where he pushed my blond curls back, his eyes never leaving mine. His fingers continued to run through my hair.

The touch was intimate, that of a lover, not of a friend.

It was wrong, I knew it was. While I knew it was going to hurt like hell, I couldn't stop myself.

I wanted him.

Just once I wanted him.

I didn't care if it was only for one hour.

My eyes closed in hope and fear and betrayal. His other hand came up to cup my cheek and I opened my eyes to see him gazing at me.

"This is going to hurt," I warned him as I leaned down to capture his lips with my own.

Immediately his hand in my hair fisted my curls tightly, his other slid to my neck to draw me even closer to him. His tongue traced my bottom lip and, with no hesitation, I allowed him entrance to my mouth. The first taste; the first touch of his tongue against mine, enticed an embarrassing moan from me.

My hands reached up, curling under his head, pressing him to me as closely as possible. Our breaths were coming in pants as I pulled away from his lips, daring to let mine roam over his jaw. Tilting his head back in my hands, he allowed my mouth better access to the tender skin on the column of his neck as his body arched up into mine.

He wanted more.

I let one hand travel down his side and back up again, grazing over his injuries. Trembling under me, he whimpered as I nibbled my way down to his collarbone, my tongue tracing the lines from one side to the other. My erection pressed into his side, with only my briefs between us.

I rested on one elbow, my body half covering him, I returned to his swollen lips. When I slipped a leg between his, I felt his fingers run down my back, curve around my side and reach between us. My cock twitched when his fingertips brushed over its head, I groaned into the kiss and deepened it even more.

It felt fucking amazing.

Then he wrapped his fingers around my cock through the lightweight material, and I thought was going to come right then. Pulling my lips from his, I continued down over his discolored skin, placing light kisses over each and every bruise he had received.

"I'm so sorry," I murmured against him, not able to apologize enough for what had happened, for what was going to happen.

"It's okay," he whispered. I slid my body back up his until my lips were touching his once again. The backs of my fingers stroked his cheek as he let my tongue slip past his parted lips. Back in my previous position, his hand returned between us, wrapping his fingers around me as best he could through the material. Instinctively, my hips thrust into his light grasp.

There was nothing stopping us from continuing. Even if we never told another soul what happened, we would be permanently changed, and so would our relationship.

I knew if I made love to him, I could never go back to Edward.

It wasn't just sex. It was so much more than a release, an orgasm that no doubt would be mind blowing. It was about love, commitment…forever.

Things I had dreamt about with another.

Pumping me slowly, my hips began a rhythm into his hand while my tongue explored his mouth. Whimpering into the kiss, his hips rose in an attempt to meet mine, but my weight held them down, frustrating him immensely as his hard cock sought the fiction of my touch.

Knowing all I had to do was slid my hand down his body and under his boxers and he would be mine. I could bring him to climax with my hand, my tongue, my body, watch as wave after wave of ecstasy passed through him. Those thoughts, the fact that I was on the precipice of having him was too much. When it felt like my heart was going to burst through my chest, I went to pull away from the kiss, but he just followed me, not letting me go. His grip on my shaft tightened as he slowly stroked up and down and I groaned loudly.

I was quickly losing control. I couldn't let it go further, no matter what my body wanted…and it wanted it so fucking bad. The morning wood I woke up with morning after morning was finally getting the attention it had yearned for. With one hand, I reached down to his and gently pried his fingers from around me. He broke the kiss, laying back, rejection flowing into his eyes. I shook my head, and put my forehead to his.

"No, it's not you…it's just…" I gasped. My dick desperately missed his touch, twitching against him, begging for more. His eyes clenched and he nodded in understanding. As the fog of passion cleared from his brain and thoughts of what we almost did entered it, he sighed. "We just…can't." I pleaded for him to understand.

"I know," he murmured, "you're right."

If I could be in two places at once, give them each a part of me, I would.

But Edward deserved more than part of me. He deserved so much more than me.

It was only a minute later I was climbing out of the bed and pulling on my jeans before I had second thoughts, before I could no longer deny the primal pull I felt for him. I didn't know what to say to him as I dressed quickly and he lay on the bed watching me with those fucking steel eyes, their glint fading with each article of clothing I put on.

I didn't know what to do, but I knew enough to not to tell him it was going to be okay. I had no fucking clue if it was and I wasn't going to lie.

With a final glance back at him, I opened the door and left his room. As I walked into the kitchen, I found Bella and Charlotte already there cooking breakfast. I had hoped to slip back into my bedroom and into bed with Bella without being noticed.

But I had been caught.

Charlotte raised an eyebrow while Bella just looked fucking confused. I blushed under Charlotte's stare, and felt my heart skip a beat when I heard his door open and close behind me.

"Holy shit," Charlotte exclaimed as he entered the kitchen in a tee shirt and boxers, the worst of his injuries hidden by his shirt. "What the hell happened to y'all?" She rushed to his side, her fingers on his chin turning his face side to side to examine him. Bella came to me and put her hand on my arm.

"Some fuckers in an alley thought I was cute," he chuckled in pain.

"Are you alright?" Bella asked me worriedly. The fact that I had just exited from Peter's bed no longer forefront in her mind as her eyes scanned me for wounds.

"Yeah, he got the worst of it, I only got hit a few times." I admitted. Quickly, her hands went to my tee shirt and she pulled it up exposing the bruises that had developed on my abdomen from their kicks to my side.

"Jesus," she mumbled as she looked me over.

"Ladies," Peter began. "Stop worrying, we're fine," he lied convincingly as he looked at me with sadness.

We weren't fine.

We would never be fine again.

Charlotte let him go and pushed him to the table. "Sit and have some breakfast, you too, Jasper."

She served us eggs and bacon, my own plate sitting untouched in front of me as I pushed the food around absently. Peter gingerly ate his, his swollen lips and sore jaw made each and every bite painful. The girls talked about the party the night before, filling Peter and me in on what had happened after we had left.

Peter and I did not fill them in on what had happened to us.

The phone rang and Charlotte jumped to get it. After answering, she turned to Peter. "It's for you, it's Riley," she held it out for him.

"I better go get packed," I excused myself and went to the bedroom. I stripped the bed for Charlotte, putting the linens in a laundry basket and I straightened up the rest of the room before changing into clean clothes and packing our bags. As I carried them through the living room one by one I could hear Peter talking quietly on the phone. On my last trip to the truck, I heard the soft click and then a heavy sigh as he hung up.

He entered the living room, one arm lifted as he rubbed the back of his neck slowly. When he looked up and saw me, he gave me an apologetic smile.

"He was just checking to make sure I was okay," he shrugged. "He said to say goodbye to you."

"I bet he did," mumbled before turning to head to the truck. His hand was on my wrist quicker than I had expected him to be able to move.

"Jasper, don't be like that," he pleaded. "Not when _you're_ leaving me."

"Peter…" I began but stopped. Nothing I said would matter anyway, or change that he was right, I _was_ leaving him. No words would sooth the fact that in less than half an hour I would be on my way home.

"I know," he sighed as he let go of my wrist. "I gotta get dressed." He turned and went to his bedroom, closing the door with a solid slam.

Less than thirty minutes later, we all stood beside my truck, Charlotte in my arms as she cried softly and murmured something about coming back soon. She lifted her head from my chest and reached up on her toes.

"He's goin' to miss you so much," she whispered in my ear. Closing my eyes, I nodded slightly and she pulled away. She was only gone for a second before Peter threw his arms around me in a strong embrace. Over his shoulder, I saw Charlotte hug Bella tightly, whispering in her ear as well.

"Go get him, you ugly fuck," Peter mumbled his encouragement the only way he knew how. I held him as tightly as possible, I was sure his bruises hurt, but he didn't say anything. Burying my nose in his neck, I inhaled his scent deeply and clenched my eyes closed to prevent the tears that wanted to fall.

I felt weak.

"It's okay," he whispered. "He needs you." He told me everything I needed to hear, giving me the strength to leave. Before releasing me, his lips were at my ear. "Don't forget me, Jasper. Always remember, Texas forever."

Nodding, I whispered back, "Goodbye doesn't mean forever, Peter. Doesn't mean we'll never be together again."

He released me, his voice shaky as he spoke. "Have a safe trip, Jasper. Call and let us know when you make it home. Charlotte will be worried sick," he glanced over at her to see if she would call him out on his white lie.

"I will. And I'll be back, I don't know when, but some day I'll come back," I promised quietly. After shaking my hand, he turned to Bella and hugged her just as tight.

"Take care of each other," he instructed her before continuing, "Keep the fucker out of trouble."

Bella actually smiled at his words before agreeing to his demand. Letting him go, she went to the passenger side and climbed in, closing the door behind her. With a tip of my hat to Charlotte and Peter, I got in and started up the truck. I rolled down the window and backed out the driveway.

Peter held his fist out toward me. "Texas forever!" he yelled.

Putting my own fist out the widow toward his, "Texas forever," I called out loudly.

Driving down the road, I looked in my rearview mirror, catching a glimpse of a fourteen-year old boy brushing his messy black curls from his face as he cried before he morphed into the man running his hand through his hair as he bit his lip and stared after his almost lover, who was once again leaving him.

Exhaling heavily, I pulled my eyes from the mirror. The finality of leaving hitting me harder than I as hard as I expected, the ache in my heart as powerful as it had been the first time I had left him behind.

At least we had had a proper goodbye.

We had driven like that for a few hours. Her staring silently out the window while I watched the road.

"Want to talk about it?" she offered hopefully. I shook my head, not even looking at her.

"Jasper…." she sighed, giving up.

We stopped at a truck stop for gas and some food. Bella sat in the truck and called Edward while I ran inside to pay for the fuel and pick up some Sno-Balls for her. She was holding out the phone when I climbed back in the truck and tossed the Sno-Balls in her lap.

"Edward wants to talk to you," she handed her phone to me.

"Hey, Edward," I greeted quietly, suddenly the cab feeling a lot smaller than it had a few minutes earlier.

"Hey, beautiful," he mumbled sleepily and I instantly glanced at Bella to see if she had heard him.

"Did we wake you??

"No," he yawned. "I was actually… um…" he hesitated.

"Edward?"

"Aw, fuck it," he sighed. "I was painting."

"Painting?" I asked, confused.

"Yes, painting. It was supposed to be a surprise. I had some bookcases built for Bella in her bedroom. All kinds of shelves, doors, drawers…everything she needs for school." he admitted.

"That time we were talking to you, the banging?"

"Was the construction guys, they got it done in a few days, but the painting has taken me awhile, but I'm trying to get it done before you guys get home."

With all the hours he worked, the night shifts he was putting in one after the other and instead of spending his days sleeping, he was painting.

For her.

It was one of the most thoughtful things I had ever heard. Being an English major, the amount of books Bella had collected was three times what I had. Even the library of medical books Edward lugged around didn't compare. Literature, grammar, writing, you name it, Bella had it. The books had begun to overtake her small desk, even taking up residence on the floor next to it, balancing precariously on each other. While I noticed the tower of books every time I was in her room, it never dawned on me to get her shelves to store them on; I had only suggested selling them at the Cullen's annual yard sale. My suggested had been met with a cold glare. Edward, on the other hand, knew how much Bella treasured each and every book.

He was the one that thought to build something for her to keep her books on. Sacrificing his sleep to get it done for when she arrived home.

I said sell the books, and he built her something to keep them.

It was one of many differences between us.

"Is everything okay? Bella said you seemed upset about something," he asked, concerned.

I glared at Bella as she cowered in the corner and shrugged her shoulders. "I'm fine, Edward, just tired."

"Jasper…." he sighed. It hurt to hear his voice, instead of soothing my soul as it normally did, I felt an ache that he could not fill.

"Edward, I'm just tired, been driving a lot and haven't slept much. Please…" I pleaded, though I wasn't sure what for.

"I miss you," he said with conviction. "I can't wait to see you."

"Me too," I sighed, almost happily as I thought of him laying on our bed talking to me.

"Hurry home, I…"

"What?"

"I want to begin our lives together," he admitted in a soft voice.

I had no reply, my throat closed up and heart raced. "Me too," I barely choked out. Bella had turned to the window to give me some privacy, but it wasn't much, she had heard every word I had said, she heard the emotion in my voice.

"See you soon, Jasper." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Goodbye, Edward," I replied, smiling a bit myself before hanging up and giving Bella her phone.

"Everything alright?" she asked as she tossed it into her bag. Unable to speak, I nodded and started the truck, heading back to the highway. Bella reached over and squeezed the cactus, and he began to sing for us. I glanced at her and rolled my eyes.

Two hours later Bella brought me out of my haze with a squeal of delight, her hand pointing to a sign on the side of the road for the Mustang River. We were somewhere in Arizona, but I had lost track of the towns as they blurred by us one by one at eighty miles an hour.

"Oh, Jasper, we _have_ to stop there," she insisted.

"Bella, it's getting late and we still have five hours of driving until we stop for the night," I argued.

Turning to me, her back against her door, she curled a leg up under her. I made a huge mistake in glancing over at her. Her hair blew wildly around her, her full mouth in a small pout, her small chin cast downward while those eyes begged me.

I sighed heavily in defeat. Why did I even bother to argue? "Fine, but not for too long. Okay?"

She smiled in victory, as if she had ever doubted she would get her way.

We took the exit and followed the signs to a dirt path.

"That's it," she pointed down the road. Examining the GPS, I realized the road was even on it, although there was a small blue line indicating a river nearby. There had to be another road further up.

Shaking my head, I looked around for evidence of life…or something. "I don't think so Bella, there's no one around, this is some sort access road or something. "

"Exactly," she agreed, looking at me. "Like access to the river," she smirked.

"Okay," I sighed, turning on the path, barely wide enough for the truck to fit down. As the brush got thicker and the road got thinner, I tossed an 'I told you so' glance to Bella; to which she rolled her eyes.

"Ah…Bella? You sure that was the right turn? Because we seem to be blazing our own path…"

"I'm sure, just keep going," she directed confidently. The sound of the sound of the brush scraping along the side of my truck made me cringe.

Of course, she was right. Five minutes later, we reached a small clearing where I was able to park the truck. I dared to glace over at Bella, who had a very smug smile on her face, arms crossed over her chest, eyebrow arched.

"Fine. You were right, I was wrong. Happy?"

"Yes, very. Now let's go check it out."

Somehow, Bella had led us to paradise. Not far from where I had parked truck flowed a beautiful river, not huge and certainly not rushing, but smoothly flowing downstream. There was a small sandy area surrounded by large rocks at the river's edge. The water was crystal clear, with the occasional white foam gathering around weeds and smaller rocks. Trees lined both sides, offering shaded protection from the sun.

"Oh, Jasper…it's beautiful," she stood, hands on hips, admiring the river.

"Yea, it is," I walked up behind her. "We should go for a swim." She said nothing but nodded with her head tilted up, eyes closed, enjoying the warm sun. "I'll go get the blanket and towels," I started to walk away and she turned around to face me.

"Wait, we don't have suits?"

It was my time to arch an eyebrow at her. "Bella, it's not like we haven't seen each other naked before. Besides, we're adults, I am sure you can control yourself around me,"

"Oh, I don't know, Hale, you're pretty enticing," she teased and turned back to the river. I headed to the truck for the blanket and towels we kept in the bed. We undressed down to our underwear and waded into the water. It felt incredible. I hadn't realized how hot I was until my feet hit the fresh, cold water. The next few hours, we splashed, swam, and floated in the small river. We let the cool water flow over our bodies as we lay on our stomachs near the shore, using our hands for balance and letting the buoyancy of the water hold us up.

We spoke about our upcoming classes. Bella was particularly nervous over her upcoming internship with one of her English professors. He had been an exceptionally hard on her the previous year, but they shared a mutual respect and at the end of year, he had asked her to return as an intern for the fall semester to help prepare for class and grade papers.

Of course, we talked about Edward and how his medical internship with his father had gone, how tired he seemed. It was coming to end in a few weeks, hopefully leaving him enough time to recuperate before starting his fall semester. The mere mention of Edward's name encouraged a sparkle in her eye and a smile to her lips.

After the water had cooled our bodies, we made our way to the blanket and lay down on our backs, arms at our sides, eyes closed, letting the sun once again warm us.

Apparently, we were all talked out, as we were completely silent.

I tried to concentrate on the sounds of the flowing river, the heat bugs buzzing, the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees nearby, but my thoughts turned to Edward, as they unfailingly always did. His messy hair, pale skin and deep green eyes, which I knew would have dark circles under them from his lack of sleep. I didn't care. There were so many things about his body that turned me on, not just his firm build, but the way his unshaven jaw looked in the moonlight, the way his abdomen quivered when I breathed on it or the way his shoulders sloped perfectly down to his arms.

Desperately, I tried to imagine our future together as a couple. Edward spoke of starting our lives together, but what kind of life we could have? I saw blurry images of us together, holidays, summers, classes.

We were together, but separate.

Separate because of the danger our relationship would bring us. There was no hand holding in public, no quick kisses to greet each other after class or work, no marriage…

No rights.

What if Edward got hurt and ended up in the hospital, I didn't even have the right to visit him.

Not even as his partner, if that's what I was.

The word 'partner' did mean shit. Lawyers were partners, business men were partners… I was nothing.

Yet, when I imagined Bella and Edward together, the image became crystal clear, their smiles bright and complete with no piece of their life missing, as they were able to freely express their love as openly and honestly as they wanted and they would be accepted.

Suddenly, it hit me.

I had been what stopped them from being together. Edward had made love to her for the first time when she had asked, Edward had consoled her after her argument with Jake, and Edward had bookcases built for her precious books. The way she smiled with he called, words of love falling so easily to each other, the emotion that filled her eyes when she spoke about him.

It had always been Bella.

I had just been so blinded by my own love for him that I had missed it all along.

She was the right choice for him. A relationship with me would just fuck up his life. I felt my throat tighten as the thoughts rushed through my head.

When I thought I couldn't take anymore, and was about to suggest we leave, Bella asked to spend the night there. While it would set us back several hours, I complied and got the sleeping bags and some food from the cooler. After a quick dinner of salsa, chips and water, Bella requested a few songs but I politely refused.

There was no way I could hold the guitar in my hands without the emotions overtaking me, and Bella was already suspicious, I didn't need to add fuel to her flame. I told her I was too tired and we climbed into our bags instead. She turned in hers to face me, her arms sneaking out to lie over my stomach as she drifted to sleep.

It was only moments later I heard her soft snores assuring me of her sleep. I stared at the stars above me for hours, their twinkling in the black sky unhindered by trees or a city skyline.

Then, I did something I hadn't done in years. I began to pray, to whoever would listen. I prayed for the courage to do what I knew was best for all of us. I prayed for Edward to be safe and find happiness. I prayed for life to fulfill his dreams, for them all to come true.

I closed my eyes, and when I did, the tears that had hovered on the edges silently streamed down my cheeks.

I cried, I prayed and I thought about Edward.

For the third night in a row, I didn't sleep.

"**~~**"

Turned out our little paradise had been just north of Albuquerque, putting us a bit less than twenty-three hours from home.

Twenty-three hours left.

Soon, I would be down to counting the minutes.

We had gotten up as the sun rose, quickly packing up our bags and heading back to the highway, only stopping at a store to pick up some donuts and coffee for breakfast.

I never touched mine.

My lack of sleep had caught up with me, and as the highway stretched neverending before me I would feel my lids droop and drift closed. Bella's chatter, and challenges of This or That topics, kept me alert enough for driving, though my thoughts were often disorientated and distracted. No matter the discussion, my mind, and heart, always returned to one thing.

One more night and another day's worth of driving and we would be on the doorstep of home.

Eleven hours after getting into the truck that morning, we pulled into Salt Lake City. Unable to stay awake any longer, I turned into a hotel just off the highway and we checked in. While I took a very welcomed hot shower, Bella went to get us some food at a Chinese place down the road. We ate lo mein and moo goo gai pan while we sat on the bed and watched some television. Well, Bella watched, I just stared at it, not really comprehending the mindless comedy that was on. It was barely eight when I looked at Bella, my jaw slack and my eyes closing.

"Gotta sleep," I mumbled as I rolled to my side, away from her. Lithely, she reached over me, grabbing my lo mein before I knocked it on the floor, and placed it on the table next to the bed, my plastic spork still sticking out of it. Vaguely, I felt the bed shift as she put her own food away and turned the lights off. There was the soft glow from the television lighting up the room as she went into the bathroom. My body exhausted, I never heard her exit, or get back into bed.

Two men were holding Peter, he was kneeling looking up at me with sad eyes, one already beginning to swell, begging me to help him. His pants were down, his cock limply hanging out for everyone to see. I struggled uselessly against the two assholes that held me.

Their leader directed the other men to bring Peter over. They bent him over a wooden table face down only a few feet in front of me. Behind him, the leader pulled off his shirt before ripping Peter's off the rest of the way. Leaning over Peter's back, he looked at me while he spoke in Peter's ear.

"I'm going to fuck you something real good, faggot, while your fucking fairy boyfriend watches," he slurred. With Peter's pants already down around his ankles, the guy undid his own pants, tugging them down below his ass while his goons held Peter's arms, one on each side, pressing down with all their weight as Peter resisted. I pulled and tugged to try to free myself from their grip. They only held me tighter.

"Let him go, you fuckers!" I screamed, my chest heaving with the sight before me. Peter, almost completely naked, laying on the table, his chin resting on the splintered wood as he hissed out a list of profanities while the leader stood him behind stroking his own cock until he was hard. He smacked Peter's ass with a hard slap before running the head of his dick around Peter's entrance. Suddenly, he gripped Peter's hips and thrust into him.

No lube. No condom.

Thrust after thrust, he rammed into Peter while Peter accepted the abuse, his eyes never leaving mine as he grunted while the man took him. The leader hung his head back, his tongue licking his lips as he continued to pound into Peter so hard the table began to move forward with every buck of his hips.

As I watched, my jaw clenched in anger and frustration, my body sore from fighting those that held me, Peter stared at me.

His black hair turned a lighter auburn shade, slightly longer and messy. His steel gray eyes turned dark, hints of green washing over them. His Texas tanned skin faded and became alabaster.

"Jasper, please don't let them do this to me," Edward begged me as I watched. The leader gripped Edward's hair and pulled his head off the table. "Please, love…help me."

"What the fuck did you say faggot? You like my cock in your bitch ass?" His tongue slithered out and he licked Edward's cheek. "I'm gonna come in your ass, fill you with my hot seed. How you like that? Oh…and by the way, I'm positive."

"NOOOO!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "EDWARD!"

Giving up, Edward let his head fall back to the table when the guy let it go, Edward's body willingly accepted the punishment. Closing his eyes, he went limp, letting the man fuck him without resistance.

"Fuck, yeah, I'm going to come. Fucking tight ass," the man groaned as he thrust one last time before coming deep inside Edward. "Mmmmm…such a good fuck for a faggot," he collapsed onto of Edward's back, his breaths reeked as he gasped. I saw him move his hips as he slid his cock out and stood up. Bending over, he pulled up his pants and looked at the two men holding Edward.

"Who wants to fuck the fairy next? He likes it, come on..." he encouraged.

"FUCKING ASSHOLE!" I screamed, tears pouring down my face as I struggled with everything I was against my captors.

"Me," the small one said, another had taken his place to hold Edward while the guy walked behind Edward undoing his pants. He was already hard from watching. Edward was unresponsive as the guy entered him harshly, grabbing Edward's shoulder with one hand for leverage, he bucked into him repeatedly, grunting loudly each time.

Edward lay limp.

Unable to take anymore, I looked away. The leader walked over to me, grabbed my chin and forced my head up.

"You better watch, queer. See how you much you want your boyfriend's ass after we're done with him. After we've had our way with him, he won't want your small dick, he'll want only a real man."

"Fuck you," I spat in his face and he punched me.

"FUCK YEAH," the guy fucking Edward cried out as he came, his body shuddering as he jerked inside Edward. Pulling out immediately, he did up his pants and returned to his place by Edward's arm.

"Anyone else?" the leader offered, and the next man stepped up behind Edward, his pants already down.

"Fuck!" he yelled as he began to buck wildly into the man I loved. Raking his nails down Edward's back, he left red marks as he scratched his perfect skin over and over again.

Turning me, their leader grabbed my cock through my jeans. "You're next pretty boy."

Suddenly they were gone. I was freed and ran to Edward, who was still on the table.

"Oh my God, Edward, Edward," I repeated over and over as I tried to get him to answer. I could see the bruises forming on his sides as well as his ass. As I kneeled to pull up his pants, give him some dignity, I saw it.

A small trail of blood seeping from his entrance.

The fuckers had made him bleed.

"…_and by the way, I'm positive."_

Edward slumped against me as I peeled him off the table. Murmuring, he laid his head on my chest and lost consciousness.

I was sitting next to him, he was in a hospital bed. I was crying profusely. He was still young, but his body was worn, thin and gaunt, his skin stretched over his bones that protruded from him. His hand was in mine, his grip weak. The lesions on his face had faded and begun to heal.

But his organs had begun to fail.

One last time he opened his eyes, still a brilliant emerald green, and looked at me.

"Always, Jasper," he whispered before his lids closed for their last time. The beep was continuous as the doctor called the time of death, gave me a sympathetic look and left the room.

"Edward, Edward…it's all my fault, I'm so sorry, baby. I love you…." I sobbed into his cooling body.

"Jasper!" she yelled at me, shaking me. My eyes flew open to find Bella there, her hand on my chest. "Are you alright? You were screaming Edward's name over and over."

It had been nightmare.

That could become a reality.

Sweating and gasping for breath. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry I woke you," I mumbled as rolled back to my side and felt the first of many tears fall.

Did everyone live in fear? Certainly, to a point. Did gay people live in more? Most definitely.

From being bullied in high school to gay bashings, if you were open about your sexuality, it was risk you willingly took everyday.

I would not let Edward take that risk for me.

She sighed and curled up behind me, wrapping an arm around my waist, she tried to offer me comfort.

It didn't help.

The next morning, we were up and out early. After Bella had woken me from my nightmare, I hadn't slept. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Edward lying on the table looking up at me, pleading me to make them stop as they raped him one by one.

For the rest of the night, I never closed my eyes again.

After we got Bella some breakfast, we headed on the highway. Bella eyed me, her attention unnerving as I sipped my coffee while we merged onto the highway. Finally, I looked over at her and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" I asked.

Shaking her head, she sipped her coffee before speaking. "Nothing, you just seem down or something."

_Or something._

"Still tired," I replied flatly. Reaching over, I turned on the radio, hoping the music would hinder any further conversation.

Less than eight hours left and my mind and heart battled inside me, between my selfish love for Edward and my desire to keep him safe. I thought about Jaxon, about the fear in Edward's voice when he had relayed the story to me, how he had been so afraid of it being me.

What if it had been me?

Edward would have gone on, he would have survived.

But if something ever happened to Edward, I would no longer want to live. I wouldn't want to live in a world where he did not exist. I refused to risk his safety for my pleasure.

My love wasn't worth his life.

Beating, rape, AIDS, discrimination…the list was neverending. It was an uphill battle every day.

What would his parents say, his colleagues at the hospital? Would patients want him as doctor if they knew he was gay? Would the parents of the children he treated turn and walk away with their sick child rather than let him lay his healing hands on them?

I couldn't shake the fact that I had let him down by being selfish. By wanting him.

No. Edward deserved a life so much better than that, and I couldn't give it to him.

But Bella could. She could give him so much I could not offer.

Marriage. Children. Stability.

A life of normalcy.

Four hours left. We had stopped for lunch, though I had barely eaten, settling on drinking some lemonade while Bella ate a salad and chatted about a text she had received from Rosalie, something about Emmett and a big surprise he had planned.

Two hours left. I pulled over on the side of the road and ran into the woods, claiming I had to go to the bathroom. Once I was out of her view, I fell to the ground on my knees just as my stomach dry heaved, clenching and twisting up nothing. Wiping the tears that had gathered in my eyes, I stood up and leaned against the tree, convincing myself I could it.

Returning to the truck, I got back in and pulled back out without saying a word. Bella just stared at me.

She was on to me.

For the last hundred miles I reconsidered my decision. Perhaps we would be okay, perhaps he didn't want normal.

Maybe he wanted me.

_Jaxon._

_"...he was more than likely brain dead."_

"_He was a faggot, he got what he deserved…"_

"_What if it had been you?"_

"…_and I'm positive."_

The closer we got to Seattle, the more my heart felt like it was being ripped from chest.

"I can't wait to see him," she said excitedly. When I didn't reply, she looked up from her cell phone; she was texting Edward, letting him know we were about ten minutes away. "You okay, Jasper? You've been awfully quiet."

She sat with her bare feet up on the dashboard. Her tee shirt was loose, the wind from her open window catching it and blowing it away from her body. Her hair was in a loose, and once again blowing in her face.

I wanted to ask her to take care of him for me, make him happy in away I never could. "I'm okay. Just tired. We've done a lot of driving, it will be nice to lay back and relax for a few weeks before classes start."

She reached out and ran hand down my arm, stopping briefly at my hand. I turned my palm up and she entwined her fingers with mine.

We drove like that in silence.

Holding our hands together while my heart fell apart.

It seemed only seconds later we pulled into the driveway of their house. I saw the silver Volvo in front of the garage.

Edward was home.

Barely able to contain her excitement at the thought of seeing Edward, Bella let go of my hand and had her door open before I had even come to a complete stop. I took a deep breath, trying to slow my racing heart, got out, and headed to the bed of the truck to retrieve her bags. Bella was practically jumping in place beside me as she waited for me to fold the cover back to access our stuff.

"Bella, go on in and see Edward, I'll get these for you," I smiled at her.

Grinning up at me, she reached up, placing the softest, briefest kiss on my lips and then she was turning, running to the steps of the house. I glanced up at his window and saw him looking down, grinning at me, waving.

It was perfect, to see him that way. Happy one last time. I had many memories to cherish, and his crooked smile would be one I treasured for the rest of my life.

I couldn't help but smile back.

"Just toss them on the ground, Hale, we can grab them later," she said as she went inside.

I walked to the steps, placing her bags on the porch next to the wicker chair. I looked at the door and considered, for a second, about going inside, offering myself to Edward, for his forgiveness for fucking up his life, for putting him in danger.

I couldn't find the courage in me to go inside to witness their happy reunion. Her jumping into his waiting arms, his grin wide with the joy of seeing her for the first time in weeks. She would wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him as he spun her around, laughing, commenting on how skinny she was or what a mess her hair was.

When it should be me in his arms, me that he kissed.

No. It was better this way.

She loved him so much better than I could.

I saw their future together; her coming home from work, Edward at the kitchen counter finishing up dinner, turning to hug and kiss her before ushering her to the table and serving her a plate of home-cooked food. After, they would cuddle on the couch and watch television, laughing and talking about their day. Ending the night in bed, him on top of her as he thrust in and out of her slowly, staring at her with so much love while she brushed his hair out of his eyes and moaned at the sensations he filled her with. Love and passion flowing effortlessly between them as they both cried out the other's names as they came together.

I felt sick.

I turned and headed back to the truck, climbing in behind the wheel once again. Leaning back against the headrest, I closed my eyes as they filled with unshed tears.

I had only one regret, and it wasn't the things we had done.

It was the one thing I hadn't done.

I had never told him out loud that I loved him. I hoped he knew that every touch, every look, every word, was full of my love for him. It was him that gave me the courage to do what was right, to give him his chance at normal.

Through blurry eyes, I looked back up at his window.

He was gone. Probably already in Bella's arms.

"I love you…always, Edward" I said out loud to no one in the cab.

My phone vibrated with a text message and I flipped it open.

_U coming inside, love? _He asked_._

I immediately typed my reply.

_Be there in a few, need to call home to check in with the Major_

I lied.

_Ok hurry, want to see you._

I took a deep breath and started the truck. My resolve and determination was cracking quickly. I was breaking the promise I had made to him the night before I left when I had vowed to return. Shifting into reverse, I backed the truck out of the driveway.

"**~~**"

I drove.

For hours, I just drove, not stopping for gas or food or to take a piss, knowing slightest pause would give me enough time to reconsider my decision and ultimately lead me back to Seattle…to Edward. My cell phone vibrated every few minutes with a new text message or voice mail. I knew he was panicking but I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I contemplated turning it off, but it seemed too harsh, too real.

With my free hand, I wiped at my face, I thought the tears would have been long gone but I had underestimated the pain my decision would cost me. My face was wet as tears rolled down my cheeks, the neck of my tee shirt soaked from the tears mixed with sweat. My curls were damp, clinging to my forehead and neck, even the breeze from the open window was not enough to coax them from my skin.

I ached.

My heart ached so fucking much. I could be burned alive and gutted and feel better than I did at that moment.

My head hurt from concentrating through blurry eyes to make out the road in front of me.

My entire body ached from hours of driving. My bladder felt like it was going to burst if I didn't stop soon.

I pushed harder on the gas pedal. Miles of woods passed by me at speeds not even near legal. The faster I went, the further I could get.

Next to me, my cell phone vibrated again. Without a second thought, I grabbed it and whipped it out my window, watching in my mirror as it hit the road and shattered into pieces.

Just like my heart.

The fucking tears came faster.

Harder.

I could feel my chest beginning to heave as I entirely lost what little control I had had over my emotions. Pulling over to the side of the road, I threw the truck into park and rested my forehead on the steering wheel.

I sobbed.

I cried.

I screamed in agony and loss.

Agony for what we could have had. Loss for what we had.

My entire body shook with more pain than I ever believed fucking possible until there was nothing left in me but emptiness, weakness. Every part of me drained, leaving nothing in its wake, the pain had stolen my life from me, pulling it from me in tears and screams until I was broken.

Numbness slowly circled itself around my heart, allowing me to finally open my swollen eyes and realize night had solidly fallen. Once again, I started the truck and pulled out on to the road, leaving my sorrow to rest on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. That was exactly where it belonged.

I had done what I was supposed to do.

I had buried my love for him deep inside my soul where it would forever remain a part of me.

I had delivered her to Edward's arms. I knew she would care for him, watch over him, love him. Of that, I had no doubt.

I was lost and he was found.

I had made sure he would remain…safe and sound.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading…..I said it would be angsty, right? Remember what happened to Edward/Peter was only a nightmare. There have been a few reviews questioning if this was the end, it is not, we have more to go.

Also, there is a thread for S&S/L&F on Twilighted, the link is in my profile page.


	14. Everything I was

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N-A short chapter… and maybe a bit angsty.

Once again, S&S was updated with L&F, and once again, there will be duplicate scenes altered to fit the L&F AU. If you read both, I would suggest reading S&S first.

My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise, are my own.

As always, many thanks and lots of hugs to Dannie, this wouldn't be here without her.

"****~~**"**

Everything I Was

Location: Hell (Agony)

"****~~**"**

"The finest years I ever knew,  
Were all the years I had with you  
And I will give everything I own,  
I'll give my life, my heart, my home  
I will give everything I own  
Just to have you back again_."_ -Bread

"**~~**"

A blinding white light streaked across my face and my eyes shot open. Panicking I was swerving into oncoming traffic, I bolted up straight and grabbed the wheel. For a perfect, wonderful second, my heart swelled, thinking everything was okay, that I wasn't alone, that I hadn't left.

Only the next second brought back the painful ache as reality hit me.

I was alone.

I had left.

I had left everything that was good in my life, good in _me,_ behind and it utterly fucking broke me.

My tired eyes adjusted to the dark and I realized I was sitting in the parking lot of a truck stop. One I didn't even remember pulling in to. It had been the first time I had slept in over two days. After dropping her off, I had just driven as fast and as long as I could until I found myself almost running off the highway in a place I didn't recognize. I didn't even know what state I was in, much less what town. Apparently, I still had some sense in me as I must have pulled into the next truck stop and parked, finally allowing my eyes, long since dry but swollen heavily from the crying, to close.

As soon as they had, I saw him standing in his window smiling and waving at me as I looked up at him. The tears started and in the dead silence of the cab, with the windows up, I had wailed as the agony overcame me once again. As it had traveled throughout my body like a parasite eating me from the inside out, I tried to fight it, clawing at it uselessly to drag it out of me. But it remained, solid and powerful.

On both sides of my truck, engines purred loudly and lights entered and left my cab repeatedly as big rigs pulled in and parked. Drivers with nicknames like Big Bear and Red Duke turned in one after the after the other to fuel up, eat, or sleep. No one ever knew anyone's real name. Truck stops were places of animosity, no questions were asked no matter how shitty you looked. It was just the type of place I needed to be. Pulling my wallet out of the glove box, I counted what little cash I had and got out of the truck. Every muscle in my body was stiff and sore, each one protesting as I slowly walked into the small diner. After using the restroom, I found a stool at the end of the counter…away from everyone.

The waitress came over put a mug in front of me. "Coffee?" I nodded. "Black?" I nodded again. "Talkative fella, ain't ya?"

Shrugging, I took the cup as soon as she was done pouring it and took a sip. It was tasteless, but hot and caffeinated.

"What can I get for ya, sweetheart?" she asked and I cringed at her words.

I wanted to tell her not to call me that, that I was no one's fucking sweetheart.

"Just coffee," I said, not surprised when my voice sounded rough and unnatural. They were the first words I had spoken since leaving him.

"If you change your mind, give me a yell," she said before walking off. I was on my third cup when two older men came and sat a few stools down from me. The waitress came over, poured their coffee and took their orders. Hanging my head, letting my dirty hair fall over my eyes, I tried to ignore the nervous feeling that invaded me.

"How much longer you got?" one asked the other.

"I should be home in about four days, have one more delivery and then a pick up before I can head back to Kansas. You?"

"I just started, at least two weeks still," he took a sip of his coffee, "but damn I miss her and the kids already."

"I know what you mean, Helen and I are like teenagers when I get back from a trip. Just lock ourselves in the bedroom for days on end."

The other chuckled, "How long you been married?"

"It'll be twenty years next month," he answered proudly.

"I hope we make it that far," he sighed, then reached into his pocket. "Have I showed you a picture of little Jenny yet?" He opened his wallet to reveal the image of a baby. "Two months yesterday."

"She's beautiful. You're third?"

"Fourth."

"Sounds like you're busy when you get home as well," the other laughed. "I don't know what I would do without Helen. She keeps me grounded. All the days on the road, the late nights, I just picture her and it's all worth it. Her smile, her glow…nothing like lifelong love."

"Yeah I know what you mean. Patty is the most wonderful thing. I don't know what I'd do without her and the girls in my life."

Sighing, I got up and left money on the counter. Luckily, I made it to the door of the diner before the tears began to fall again. By the time I reached the truck, my vision was so blurry I had a hard time getting the keys into the lock, barely making it inside the truck before I began sobbing.

Those men had spoken of things I would never know. While there would be no life long love for me, Edward would have his chance at it. He would be able get married, have children, and experience all that love brought with it. Things he could never have had with me. I had left my heart with him and it would never belong to another. His heart wasn't my soul's temporary home just while I had been gone to Texas, it was its permanent home for the rest of eternity. No matter where I was, Edward would always be my home.

What scared me even more than the pain I felt at that moment was the bleak future that faced me. A world without Edward was not one I wanted to live in. My best days were behind me, buried in a collage of memories, while my future held nothing but darkness. It was only going to get worse, and I had little hope of my heart and soul surviving the decent.

As the clock on my dash ticked off the hours, I felt the talons of despair begin to release their hold on me, and while my surrender to the numbness was anything but sweet, I was able to pick my head up off the steering wheel and take a deep, but not cleansing, breath. Even as I felt my heart being wretched from my body, I started the truck and drove back out onto the highway.

I drove fast, but no speed was enough to chase the thoughts from my head. Hoping to distract me from the barrage of images, I turned on the radio and flipped through a few stations. My fingers stopped as soon as I heard it and no matter the anguish the lyrics brought me, I couldn't bring myself to change it.

Our song filled the cab.

I saw him sitting before me as I had played it for us, his eyes thoughtful and caring, his body excited and willing for mine. His voice was soothing and coaxing.

He called me love.

Quickly changing lanes, I came to a screeching halt on the side of the road. Not even turning the truck off, I got out and ran to the passenger side just as my stomach heaved up its empty contents. Spasm after spasm, my muscles forced up nothing but bitter bile and self hatred as I fell to all fours. Saliva trailed from my mouth as the tears welled in my eyes while the last notes of the song wafted from the windows. Gradually, my stomach returned to the emptiness I had become familiar with since leaving and I exhaled. Feeling the worst of it was over, I sat back on my heels and wiped my mouth before spitting on the ground that had been darkened by my tasteless coffee. I berated myself for my weakness as I put a palm on the side of the truck and pulled myself upright. Folding my arms on the edge of the bed and laying my forehead on them, I caught my breath while waiting for the blue to turn to black, to let me into the void of numbness instead of the ache I felt. I made my way to the driver's side and climbed back in, resting my head against the seat for a minute before merging back out onto the highway.

The miles passed, the towns went flying by as I kept my foot on the gas and eyes on the road with the radio off. I should have known better than to have let his memories assault me, but it was like wild horses dragging me back into a happiness too recent to forget so soon. I had never felt happier and more complete when I did when I was with him. Even if we were just hanging out with his family or studying, those quiet unexpected moments when he would brush by me in the hallway, or chance a kiss in my room with the door open and Bella across the hall, made my heart race. The devious hue in his eyes when we might get caught was thrilling and he was able to pull me into that dangerous zone.

But getting caught was exactly the problem. Not just by his family, Bella and other friends but by the general public. Our relationship wasn't accepted by everyone, and some took that hatred to a level that was deadly.

Maintaining my focus, I concentrated on the road, my tires eating the white dashes under me as I continued to put more and more distance between us.

"**~~**"

When I couldn't drive anymore, I took an exit and found a grungy hotel. After checking in, I went to the room and stripped out of my clothes and got into the shower. The scalding hot water reddened my skin as I absently washed my hair and lathered up. Once I was done, I got out, dried off and finally put on clean clothes. Disappointed when I realized there was no liquor bar in the room, I grabbed my wallet and left. I walked into the small office, which was actually someone's living room, and rang the bell on the counter. The woman that had checked me in walked over.

"I need a bar," I stated.

"There's one down less than an eighth of a mile on the left, O'Reilly's," she replied, pulling the cigarette from her mouth.

"I need one that doesn't…."

"Check IDs?" she assumed and I nodded. "You look like you could use it. I know Ryan, the bartender; I'll give him a call and tell him a friend of mine needs some liquid refreshment."

For the first time in days, I smiled, grateful of her understanding and said thanks before I headed out the door. Leaving the truck behind, I walked to the bar, hoping that when I was done I wouldn't be in any shape to drive.

It was a small bar with a few men sitting on the wooden stools in front of the long counter. Hesitantly, I sat down near the farthest end and waited for Ryan to wait on me.

"Shelia's friend?" he asked as he approached.

"Yeah."

"What can I get for you?" He tossed a cocktail napkin in front of me.

"Jack, straight," I requested. Nodding, he turned and grabbed a fifth before filling a glass half way with the amber alcohol. As it burned my throat going down, I pursed my lips and readied myself for the next gulp. Two glasses later, my body felt heavy, my head hanging low, my thoughts mixing and blending together as the alcohol began to have an affect.

While I had wished the whiskey to chase away my thoughts of him, they only made them clearer. There was no numbness I had been hoping for. After my third glass, I gave up and I stumbled my way back to the hotel and unlocked my door. The room was dark except for a slight glow of moonlight through a small window. I fell onto the bed and lay on my back. Unwillingly, my heavy lids succumbed to the alcohol and drifted closed.

Immediately, I saw us naked in bed facing each other, his eyes bright and smile crooked as he leaned in and kissed me. Our formally sated cocks began to harden as his lips worked their down my neck to one of my nipples. I felt my hand to the same, tracing the route his lips had taken. Pinching a nipple between my fingers, I skimmed my hand down my stomach over my shirt to the button my jeans. As wrong as I felt it was, I wanted the temporary distraction a release would bring me. For a few precious seconds, maybe even a minute, I could forget the horror that was my reality and believe that he was mine. Quickly, I undid the button and unzipped them, opening the flap before sliding my hand inside over my cock. I felt it twitch under my briefs as I palmed myself. Behind my eyes, Edward was doing the same thing to me with his hand. Rocking his hips against my thigh, he looked up at me as he pushed my shoulder so I was flat on my back. Sweat ran down his heated skin as he crawled on top of me and straddled my hips.

My hips rose into my hand as I pushed the elastic of my briefs down and covered my cock with my hand, feeling it harden as the images of Edward encouraged me to continue. Wrapping my fingers around myself I began to stroke, slowly and deliberately. Edward moved his hips in circles, grinding into me while his eyes watched my face. Putting his palms on both sides of my shoulders, he leaned forward, rubbing his slick cock against my own.

"Feel good, love?" he asked, his sweet breath intoxicating me.

"What kind of question is that?" I chuckled as I bucked my hips up against him as much as I could. Biting his lip, he moaned and leaned down to kiss me, his hips never stopping their seductive movement while he brushed his lips across mine. With my hand stroking faster, I began to pant as my fingers tightened around me and I felt the tension, the spring deep inside me begging for release. I felt his weight on me, his heat and scent surrounding me, as if he was there with me. I wanted nothing more than for it to be true, to have him next to me, kissing me, holding me…sleeping with me. The few complete nights we had spent sleeping together had been the most wonderful of all. Nothing would ever compare to waking up in his arms, feeling his warmth around me, seeing his beautiful face when I opened my eyes.

He dragged his tongue along my lips before entering my mouth, seeking mine. When he moaned, I just about came undone. Desperate for more, I pumped myself faster, chasing that feeling that only he could grant me. Moist with precum, my cock was slippery against his as his pace quickened and he pulled away from the kiss.

"Jasper," he drawled and I opened my eyes to see his hair shorten and darken, his eyes taking on a mischievous glint that I was all too familiar with. Winking at me, his features changed to those less delicate than Edward's, suntanned skin replaced alabaster. Hesitantly, I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair.

"Peter?"

"'Course, darlin'," he murmured as pressed his pelvis against mine, his hard cock moved perfectly against mine. My hand stopped stroking and my eyes clenched as I came, my cock pulsing as cum shot from it, landing on my stomach. The orgasm that rushed through my body was tainted by the guilt I felt, and my eyes watered up just as the last of burst of cum landed on me, dripping down the slit to my hand.

Gasping, I lay there for a minute, clearing my head of the post-orgasm fog. My masturbation didn't bring me the euphoric release I had been seeking but rather confirmation that I had done the right thing. As painful as it was, Edward was better off without me.

Disgusted with myself, I got up and cleaned myself off, washing my hands and stomach before returning to the bed.

Standing at the end of it, I stared the emptiness.

I saw us spooning, him waking up behind me, placing a kiss on my back as he pushed his morning wood against my ass and sighed happily.

I saw…us, together.

I couldn't sleep in it alone.

"Fuck," I mumbled as I grabbed my bag and headed for the truck. Unlocking it, I got in and closed the door. Lying down across the seat, I used my bag for a pillow and closed my eyes just as the first of many tears fell.

"**~~**"

Three days later, I was still driving with no idea where I was going. I just drove, passing through towns, cities, and some pretty fucking rural areas. Places rarely seen by anyone but those like me…without a destination. Stopping only for gas, caffeine, or a bathroom, I hadn't eaten anything solid since before dropping Bella off. My stomach churned with the very thought of food. I hadn't slept since the night in the bar. In fact, I never wanted to close my eyes again. Even when I blinked, flashes of him sleeping next to me, or laughing and playing the piano pierced my mind and tortured me.

The feelings of grief, guilt, anger, and selfishness had been through me like a kaleidoscope. Each one had taken up a residence in my soul several times during my driving. With each thought I had, the emotion changed, wearing me down even more, pulling me into an abyss to deep to crawl out from. Grief had been the strongest, its hold on me powerful and unforgiving, often stealing my breath when I least expected it. I had lost people in my life before. As a child, both set of my grandparents had passed away. Then we moved and I lost Peter. But those losses had been as a result of something beyond my control such as illness, old age, and my father's employment. What I had done, voluntarily leaving, had been entirely in my control, and that made the grief even worse. While it was my fault I was suffering to begin with, I also had the power to end it.

I just had to turn around.

The guilt for the way I had left was almost as painful as the sadness. When the guilt was washed away by the next emotion, my last thoughts were always that I hoped they could forgive me, that someday they would understand why I had done it.

Anger and frustration had been the intense emotions that had led me to seek out the failed attempt of comfort from jerking off. I was angry with the world for not letting us be open and free to express our love without putting our safety, our lives, at risk. I was angry with Bella for being perfect for him, for being what he needed, what he could be everything with. Finally, I was angry with myself for not having told him, just once, that I loved him. That he was…my life.

One by one I considered my options in the rare moments of clarity I had. I could return to my parents with my tail between my legs, asking for a place to stay in Forks until I could get my life together. The Major would not be happy, and possibly refuse my request, telling me I had to grow up and be a man. But my mother would look at him with her blue eyes and he would cave, all the while giving me the disappointed glare I had grown accustomed to. I couldn't even imagine the disappointment he would have if I ever told him I was in love with a boy. The look of shame on my mother would break my heart. If I returned home, they could never know the real reason I wasn't with Edward and Bella.

Returning to the university was also an option; I could attempt to get in a campus dorm. Thought, I would have to room alone because the idea of a roommate made me sick. The campus was huge and I knew their schedules, their classes; I could manage to avoid them with some effort.

I could keep driving, ending up some fucking place in the middle of nowhere, finding a job and making the best of a non-existent life.

Or I could go their house. Crawling on my hands and knees, begging for a forgiveness I didn't deserve. Neither of them would grant it quickly. Fuck, I missed Bella. I needed her, her humor, comfort, friendship. She would be angry with me for scaring them, for leaving without word or reason.

He would…hate me.

After all, I had broken the vow we had made to each other the summer after graduation. Bella had made us promise that we would 'never split up, never leave one another behind, to always be together, no matter what happened'. Even though I had pledged my loyalty to them that night when I covered their hands with my own, I had left them.

_I had left them._

The words were so final, so desolate.

With each mile I was on the road, I considered the choices, my mind always returning to the desire to go back home, that pull they both had on my life was undeniable. Every time I stopped, even at a red light or stop sign, I had to fight the urge to turn around. The highway, without stoplights, was my savoir in preventing me from acting on the need to return to them. It would have been so easy.

A beeping alerted me that I was low on gas. I dreaded stopping but took the next exit a few miles later and pulled into a small gas station. Glancing around the parking lot, I saw a lot of license plates from Nebraska and Kansas, leading me to believe I was near the border of one of those states. I went inside the small convenience store and grabbed a few waters from the cooler before going to the counter.

"Fifty on pump four," I said. Putting the waters on the counter, I looked around for a newspaper, hoping to find out where I was. When I didn't see any, I was forced to ask. "What state is this?"

"State?" the cashier asked ringing in my waters. Nodding, I slid my money across the counter. "Well, you're a bit less than two hundred miles north of Kansas in Silver Creek," she answered as she took my money and gave me change.

"I'm in Nebraska?"

"Oh, sorry, yes, Nebraska."

"Do you have a bathroom?"

"Outside, around the corner to the left. You don't need a key."

I took the waters and went back to the truck to pump the gas. When I was done, I pulled into a parking space and went into the bathroom wondering how the hell I had gotten to Nebraska and hadn't realized it. Vaguely, I had remembered passing through a few states, apparently criss-crossing my way across half a dozen of them. Knocking before I pushed the heavy steel door opened, I was glad to see it was for only one person. Over the past few days I had been in my share of public restrooms, usually running in and out quickly, avoiding my reflection in the dirty mirrors. I used the toilet and went to the sink to wash my hands, making sure to keep my head down.

There was no way I could look as bad as I felt.

Slowly, I lifted my eyes to my reflection.

I had been wrong, I could look as bad as I felt. I looked like fucking shit. Uneven scruff covered my jaw, my eyes were bloodshot, and the area under them was puffy from the crying and dark from lack of sleep. Formally tanned skin had paled and looked gaunt, greasy hair was plastered to my head and my tee shirt had certainly seen better days. My lips were dry and chapped from dehydration and the constant gnawing on them with my teeth to try to stop the fucking tears.

My eyes traveled down, the reflection of the silver pendant catching my eye. Reflexively, my hand went to it and took the charm between my fingers. I wondered if he regretted giving it to me. It stood for courage and I had been anything but courageous. The way I had left, or my reason why, had been anything but brave, and in Texas it had been Peter that had been the courageous one, not me.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't look away from it. I hadn't taken it off since I he had put it on me and part of me wanted to rip it from my neck, I didn't deserve it, the gift or the meaning. Before I had left, I had promised to not take it off and look at it every day and think of him…and I had. But I had also promised to return…and I hadn't. Releasing it, I let it fall back against my neck. I wouldn't take it off, I refused to break another promise I had made.

I still hurt.

Curiously, I slowly pulled my tee shirt up to my shoulders. I ran a finger hesitantly down the center of my chest.

It didn't make sense.

My chest was fine; it was in one piece, unmarred on the outside. The gaping hole I felt there was completely invisible to the naked eye. I squinted and looked harder at my image, trying to see the cracked heart that barely beat underneath my flesh. Other than being in some serious need of sleep and a shower, physically I looked fine.

All of my scars were on the inside and hurt more than anything I had done to the outside.

I dropped my shirt and turned the water on, washing my hands before splashing some cold water on my face. I rested my palms on the side of the sink staring at the water running down the drain. Just like my life, circling the drain, just waiting to flow into nothingness.

The pounding on the door broke me from my trance.

"Just a minute," I called out. I turned the water off and opened the door.

"Sorry, man," he apologized in a silky voice. I stood there, staring at him. He was thinner, and his hair wasn't quite the right color, but he had the same high cheekbones covered in a natural blush, and the same color green eyes framed with long lashes. Even the way he looked expectantly at me with a raised eyebrow as I blocked the doorway. When I didn't move from the doorway, he spoke again "Do you mind?" he motioned behind me.

"Oh, sorry," I mumbled and held the door for him as he walked past me. Digging my keys out of my pocket, I walked with my head down, staring at the pavement as I hurried to my truck. I needed to get the truck and get the fuck out of there before I lost it. A car's tires squealed and my head snapped up and what I saw stopped me in my tracks.

The very thing I had spent days avoiding was right in front of me.

I hadn't seen one in a long time but it called to me like nothing else. The security it could provide me, the small space warmed by the midday sun. While my hand rested in my pocket on my keys, my fingers unconsciously searching for what I needed. Before I knew it, I was standing inside, the glass dirtied with greasy handprints surrounding me as I picked the receiver up off the lever and dropped the change into the slot one coin at a time. Without actively thinking of it, my trembling fingers hesitated over each number; numbers that could give me all I hoped; all I ever needed. Those numbers held my fate. They were hard to make out through the tears streaming down my face.

It rang.

I took a deep breath.

"Hello?" the deep voice was velvety and soothing, just like I knew it would be; just how it always had been. At the sound, I began to cry harder, my shoulders shaking. I leaned my forehead against the glass, exhaustion taking over my body. I ran a hand through my hair and attempted to regain control of myself. I didn't want him to hear me that way. "Jasper? Is that you?"

Instead of answering, I gasped, my breath quivering, his voice already a salve on the cracks on my broken heart.

"Please, Jasper…is it you?" he begged for an answer I wasn't sure I could provide.

I struggled to find my voice, when it came out it was weak and shaky.

"Edward…." I whispered before breaking into sobs as I hung the phone up and ran back to my truck. Sitting there, in the former sanctuary of the cab, I had a sudden calmness spread over me.

Hearing his voice had helped me realize what I needed to, where I need to be.

I needed to be with him.

I needed to be home.

"**~~**"

Less than twenty-four hours later, I pulled up in front of their house. After having driven almost straight through, I had followed the GPS directions, only stopping twice for gas and a bathroom. I wasn't sure I wanted them to see me dirty and worn, but something told me they wouldn't care, that their anger would overshadow any bad hygiene of mine. I took a few deep breaths, collecting myself before I opened my door and got out. I felt uncomfortable, the house both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Frightened of their possible reactions, their possible rejection at my return, I began to tremble and have second thoughts. What if they didn't want me back? What if what I had done was so horrific, they wanted nothing to do with me? I worried about what I was going to tell them, where I had been...and most importantly why I had left.

My heart raced, beating harder than it had since the day I had left that driveway. All the lights were out as I walked up the steps, I didn't even know what time it was but it must have been late. Even though I could, it felt wrong to just walk in. Biting my lip, I knocked and waited, listening for signs of life on the other side of the door. Just as I had given up hope and began to turn around, the door swung open.

He stared at me with a look of shock on his face.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

""**~~**"

Thanks for reading~


	15. Split Wide Open

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N- Where do I begin! This little AU of S&S has over 300 reviews and some pretty steady readers. Thank you all so much…and hugs to all that are sticking it out even though they are pissed at Jasper. The past few chapters, I have writtten S&S first and adapted some (not all) of the scenes to L&F, however this chapter is completely L&F original, and S&S was adapted to it, with the exception of the very end, which was written for them both last fall-some may recognize it from my Twi25 drabbles-though it had been written for this first.

The angst ain't over…just saying. Oh, and some dark themes.

My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise, are my own.

As always, many thanks and lots of hugs to Dannie, this wouldn't be here without her.

"****~~**"**

Split Me Wide Open

Location: Hell (Anguish)

"****~~**"**

"I'm here without you baby  
but your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
and I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
but your still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me_."_ -3 Doors Down

"**~~**"

I had expected he would be surprised but hadn't planned on my arrival being met with quite so much annoyance.

Quickly, he tried to recover. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm fucking glad to see you but…I just thought it would be a bit longer."

"Can I come in?" I shuffled back and forth on my feet a bit, my bottom lip still between my teeth. He tilted his head, suddenly taking in my appearance, the dirty clothes, greasy hair, unshaven face and eyes that were barely open.

Immediately, he asked, "Are Edward and Bella okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, they're fine….please…."

He stepped aside and that's when I saw him. Sitting on the couch, he looked comfortable…and clean. When I hesitated, Peter grabbed my hand and pulled me inside the doorway, closing it behind me. Tightly, I gripped his hand, the small comfort of his heated skin against mine was more than I had felt in days. Not even caring that I had obviously interrupted them, or the look of distain that Riley was giving me, I didn't let go of Peter's hand and kept my eyes downcast, ashamed of how I looked and the desperation that must have been palpable around me.

"Riley, you remember Jasper," Peter said quietly. Riley stood and nodded. I held it together as he walked over and gave Peter a kiss on his cheek before whispering something in his ear.

With a passing glace at me, he opened the door. "Nice to see you again, Jasper." Before I could even think to reply, he was gone.

As soon as the door clicked closed, I fell to my knees, the sobs overtaking my body. Instantly, Peter was on the floor with me.

"Jesus, Jasper, what's going on? Are you okay?" he asked as his hands traveled all over my body looking for evidence that warranted the condition I was in. I didn't even have the voice to tell him the wounds were all on the inside. That I had I already looked on the surface for the gaping hole and had found nothing but paling skin covered in sweat and dirt. "Jasper…" he whispered as he gathered me into his arms and pulled me to him. Resting my cheek against his shoulder, I let my grief soak his shirt thoroughly as his hand ran up and down my back. We stayed like that for a few minutes before he broke the hold and began to stand up. "Come on, let's get you into bed."

Holding my hands, he helped me onto shaky legs, gripping my hips until I was steady enough to move on my own. I headed for the room I had stayed in with Bella, but he stopped me.

"This way," he said as he tugged on my hand and led me to his room. After sitting me on the edge of the bed, he pulled off my boots and socks. Wordlessly, he slid my shirt over my head and unbuttoned my jeans. "Stand," he insisted, grabbing under my arms to support me. Trembling, I stood and vaguely felt my pants pool around my ankles before he lifted each of my feet out of them. As soon as I was in my briefs, he pulled the covers back on his bed and pushed me down. Wiping my cheeks as I laid my head on the pillow, I remembered feeling his warmth press behind me, an arm going around my middle as he placed a soft, brief kiss on the nape of my neck.

"Sleep. I'm here," was the last thing I heard before I finally, for the first time in days, let myself fully succumb to the hell of sleep.

The sunlight was harsh, sharp and piercing. Rolling over, I buried my face into the pillow and felt the empty space next to me. Squinting my eyes, I confirmed he wasn't in bed and I panicked. Had I not returned to Texas, had it been a dream? As my eyes adjusted to the blinding light, I realized I was in Peter's room, alone in his bed. Just as I rolled over to get up, the door opened and he entered.

"Fuck, did I wake you? Shit, I'm sorry," he apologized as he climbed back into bed. "I had to go to the bathroom. Sorry," he repeated. Lying down next to me, he faced me, placing his head back on his pillow. I remained quiet, and just stared at him.

Every mile I had driven between Nebraska and Texas I had fought with guilt. I knew I shouldn't have returned to Peter when my heart was in Washington. Selfishly, I knew Peter could take care of me, perhaps even mend a few of my broken pieces with the love of friendship. I had never needed him more than I did then. When my life was falling apart, I was counting on him to put it back together for me. After offering me comfort, he would know what to do, he could guide me when I was blind. But in order for him to put the pieces back together, he had to know what happened and I wasn't sure I could tell him.

The backs of his fingers stroked my cheek as he gave me small smile. "Jasper, please, talk to me." Adamantly, I shook my head, refusing to speak. He placed a kiss on my forehead before resting his against it. "Whatever it is, beautiful, it's going to be okay."

I sighed, praying he was right and broke the gaze he held.

"Please," he begged again.

Before I could explain what had happened, I needed to know if I was unwelcome. Finally, I spoke. "What was Riley doing here?" He lifted his head and forced my eyes back to his.

"You come here last night completely inconsolable, won't tell me why and all you do is ask what Riley was doing here?" Regretfully, I nodded. "Jesus, Jasper. What the fuck does it matter? Even if he was here to fuck me, he left when you arrived. Last night, and right now, _you _are what's important to me. Now tell me, what the fuck is going on?"

His words almost brought on a new onslaught of tears, but I took a few deep breaths and staved them off. Just being in his presence was completing a part of me that I had I been missing since I had left Edward. So many things had been revealed to me during my stay in Texas, not the least of which was my attraction to men, as well as my love for Edward. While he was where my heart would always lie, Peter's touch and soul alleviated some of the pain.

"I didn't go home," I admitted quietly. Furrowing his brows, his eyes diving into the depths of mine as he searched for the answer to his unasked question.

"Bella?"

"She's home. I drove her home and then left."

"Left?" he hinted for me to elaborate. When I tried to look away, his fingers held my jaw steady. "Tell me?"

It was too soon, too painful and I felt my cheeks dampen. "It just wasn't going to work between Edward and I. He needs to be with Bella. She's right for him and I'm…." I paused, working up the courage to say the words aloud for the first time, "wrong. He deserves better than me."

"And what did he say? Did he hurt you?"

"No, no, nothing like that," I was quick to defend Edward. "He doesn't know. I never went inside, I never talked to him I just…" a sob escaped me, "left."

"Oh, fuck, Jasper," he sighed and pulled my head to his chest, holding me while I attempted to recapture what little strength I had. "Does he know where you are? What happened to you?" Regretfully, I shook my head against his warm body. "Jesus…" he murmured as he held me tight. Gradually, I felt the tenseness in my body begin to fade as sleep once again overcame me. It was peaceful and deep and safe in Peter's arms.

The urgent need to use the bathroom woke me. It was dark out again and I still lay wrapped in Peter's protective embrace. Careful not to wake him, I extracted myself from his arms and tiptoed to the bathroom. After washing my face and hands, I brushed my teeth with an extra toothbrush and went back to the bedroom. He had rolled to his side and I crawled into bed behind him and watched him for a few moments. There would be no more sleep for me without his touch, so I greedily curved an arm around his stomach and pulled my body flush with his and closed my eyes.

When my eyes fluttered open again, it was still dark, and the space beside me was empty. Stretching, I sat up and looked for my jeans. I stood up and searched the room but did not see them anywhere. Physically I felt much better, my muscles had relaxed after so many hours in the same position. Mentally, emotionally, I felt utterly drained and broken. There was still a gaping hole in my chest and ached with every breath but for the moment, my eyes were dry and I felt better than I had in days.

I was beginning to think it was the best I was every going to feel. Giving up on my clothes, I opened the door and headed down the hallway.

"Yeah, he's still here." Pause. "I don't know, but however long he needs, he can stay," Peter spoke quietly into his cell phone. When he heard me, he looked up, smiled and held up a finger. "Hey, he's up so I'm going to go. I know, me too. Bye Riley," he finished and closed his phone. "You okay?" he asked me as he put his phone down and walked over to me. After a quick hug, he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his sleep pants.

"Yeah. What time is it? I rubbed my eyes.

"Almost midnight. You've been sleeping since last night, straight through."

"Shit," I mumbled. "Sorry."

"Don't be. You obviously needed it. I just came out to call…"

"Riley?"

Peter nodded. "Want to go back to bed?" He asked, holding out his hand.

At that moment, I wanted nothing more, as Peter's bed seemed to be the only place of peace for me. I entwined my fingers with his and let him lead me back to bed where we climbed under the sheets. I lay on my back and he rested his head on my chest. His leg was over one of mine, his arm around my waist while his fingers drew small circles on my side. There was nothing sexual about it; it was soothing, caring…loving.

He spoke without prompting, answering the question I had asked hours, maybe days before. "Riley was here the other night to check up on me. Charlotte is out of town with her parents, and Riley was concerned for me. Since the fight, he's been calling every day, and stopping in here and there."

The relaxation my body had possessed began to fade as I clenched my jaw and felt my throat tighten.

"Are you back together?" I asked.

He hesitated, and lifted his head to look at me. After studying me, he answered. "Do you think I would be here, in bed with you, holding you, if he and I were back together?" I shrugged. "No," he continued with a heavy, sad sigh, "we are not together."

My arm wrapped around his back a bit more, pressing him to my side. I felt his fingertips tracing the letters of my tattoo.

"It's beautiful," he whispered. "Not only the design but the meaning. It's very you. Always putting everyone else's happiness before your own."

"My friend, my brother," I said quietly as my eyes closed. The last thing I remembered was feeling his breath on my chest and imagining it was Edward's.

"I'm positive," he growled as he thrust into Edward. With a greasy hand he pulled Edward's head off the table and licked his ear while keeping his eyes on me. "You're next pretty boy," he promised as he grunted and came in Edward, spreading his poison throughout Edward's beautiful body.

Then it was me bent over the table, my shirt torn to shreds around my exposed back. Edward's limp body lay next to me, they had released him but he had made no attempt to move. As I felt my pants being yanked down and my ass being spread, I stared into Edward's lifeless eyes. As the leader's cum slicked cock forced its way into me, I begged Edward.

"Please Edward, stay with me, please baby, please," I began to chant over and over as my body took the abuse thrust by thrust. I felt my tender skin being ripped from the roughness. While two men held me down, their leader continued to mercilessly rape me, pounding me into the table, the splintered wood scraping my chest with each abrasive pass over it. "Edward…don't leave me." I closed my eyes when I saw the life drain from his for the final time.

"Ain't that sweet, the faggot is sad for his queer boyfriend," one the men holding my arms sneered.

"Get rid of him," the man raping me ordered. Opening my eyes, I saw one of them push Edward's spiritless body off the table and with a thud, he landed on the cold, damp ground, naked, bleeding and used.

"Fucking assholes," I screamed as loud as I could.

"What'd you say, bitch?" the leader reached over and grabbed my hair, snapping my head up, letting his saliva drip from his mouth down my cheek.

"I said fuck you," I repeated through clenched teeth.

"Bitch boy," he said as he pushed my head down to the table and wrapped his fingers around my throat. "Let's see how much you talk when you can't breath, faggot."

Gasping, my throat constricted, forcing what little air I could get into my lungs, I fell limp, hoping my relaxed body would conserve air.

"Mmmm, yeah, fag, tight ass just like your boyfriend did. You like a real man's dick in you though, huh? No some little queer fuck. Fuck…going come. Give you the virus too, whore." With a loud groan, he came inside me, shooting his disease into me, coating my hole and entering my wounds.

After two more of them had had their way with me, I was tossed to the ground next to Edward, completely naked, my body cut and seeping life, I crawled to Edward and took his cooling body into my arms. My tears fell from my eyes and onto his hair as I kissed his lips over and over. Curling myself around him, I held his worn body to me. He was gone. Never again would I see his smile or feel his love. I didn't want to live in a world without Edward…and I closed my eyes for the last time.

"Jasper," he called to me. "Wake up, it's okay, wake up," his voice coaxed me from knocking on heaven's door. Slowly my eyes opened, eager to see my angel with me once again. Peter's hand was on my chest as he shook me. Focusing, I saw the look of fear on his face, his eyes wide. "What the hell was that?"

"What?" I murmured.

"You were fucking screaming 'stop' and Edward's name, and then your entire body was shaking, convulsing. Then you just stopped and said 'always, Edward.' That's when I woke you up. Scared the shit out of me." He kissed my chest before laying his forehead on it. Instinctively, my hands went to his hair and I weaved my fingers through his short strands.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"Jasper, please tell me what's going on?"

How could I tell him? How could I tell him that I had left Edward because he had taken me to a gay bar on my birthday, where we had been attacked, beaten and almost raped? How that night had made me realize how unsafe our life would be together. That I wasn't going to chance Edward's life. Torn I had returned to Peter, undecided if I was risking his life as well. But Peter had been there, he had gone through it with me, Edward had merely been a bystander with Jaxen's attack. Edward hadn't directly experienced the fear, the hate, the pure evil. Firsthand he had witnessed the death and destruction left in the aftermath of evil. We had each seen a different side of it, and separately we both suffered from the worry if had been the other. The fear in Edward's voice that night he had told me about Jaxen had been undeniable. As much as I never wanted to hear that fear again, it revisited me almost every time I slept, I heard his wails, his begging me to save him as he was raped over and over again. The nightmare varied but the end result was always the same, Edward's used broken body in my arms as his life drifted from him.

I shook my head and rolled over, away from Peter. I thought he would leave, but instead, he sighed and pressed himself against my back. When I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, my lids heavy, I felt them flutter closed and I unwillingly fell into the darkness.

The next time they opened, it was dark and I was alone. Slowly, I got out of the bed I had barely left for days and dressed in my jeans that Peter had folded on the chair. I reeked and desperately needed a shower, but had to get my luggage. Shirtless, I went outside to the truck. Carefully, I opened the bed and reached in for my luggage. When my fingertips skimmed along the edge of my guitar case my stomach churned. The guitar represented everything that was Edward; thoughtfulness, generosity, and love. Flicking the locks open, I slid it out of the truck and opened the case. Instantly, I heard our song in my head, and my fingers plucked a few of the strings.

_Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there….you just call out my name and you know wherever I am, I'll come running…_

Could it be that easy? Could I just call his name and he would be there with me? My eyes closed as my fingers continued to play. "Edward," I whispered into the hot, dry air.

"Yes, love?" his faint voice was carried on the wind.

I smiled.

And my heart broke.

My hand grasped the guitar and I pulled it from its case. I didn't deserve it, just like I didn't deserve him or his love. It was a symbol of a life I would always miss and long for and never experience again. I wanted it broken and destroyed like I was, I wanted something, anything, to share my anguish with me.

There, in the driveway at night, I knew the truck could withstand the damage more than the guitar. Just as I was about to swing it over my head, I felt his arms around me, his vice like grip pinning my arms to my sides.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked. I fought his hold, my weak muscles straining against him.

"I don't need it anymore. I don't want it," I growled, struggling to break free. It was useless; his solid hold on me was unwavering. When I realized what I had almost done, I slid to the ground, taking Peter with me. From behind, he held me as I fell apart, my body shaking violently as I cried and gasped for air. He supported me, his arms around me, his lips on my back, constantly whispering, telling me it was going to be okay.

I had called Edward's name, and it had been Peter had come to save me from myself.

Gradually, I calmed, my body going from shaking to quivering. We sat on the rough pavement at the back of my truck, the moon and stars decorating the black blanketed sky above us. His fingers released my wrists and he took the guitar I had been clutching, gently placing it on the ground next to him, safely out of my reach.

"Did he give it to you," he asked into my neck as he grabbed both my hands into his, his arms still restricting mine to my sides. Slowly, I nodded, my head hanging low, my chin resting on my chest. He sighed. "Don't destroy it, Jasper. It was given out of love." Continuing to hold me, he let my body return to its calm state before he pulled me to my feet. "Go inside, take a shower, I'll bring your stuff in."

Obediently, I went inside and headed for the bathroom. I took a long, hot shower, relishing in the hot water as it nearly scalded my skin. He had done as he promised. When I got back to his bedroom, my clothes were on his bed while my guitar remained safely in the truck. After I dried off, I put on clean underwear and slid back into bed, knowing he would join me soon.

I wasn't wrong. Moments later, he climbed into bed behind me, taking his position and wrapping his arm around me, luring me into slumber.

"**~~**"

"Jasper," he called from the doorway. Groaning, I rolled over to find him standing there in nothing but a towel tied around his waist. "You need to eat something, come get some food."

Nodding and numb, I got out of the bed and followed him to the kitchen where there was some pizza on the table.

Apparently, it wasn't morning.

"What time is it?" I asked as I sat down.

"About six, I got up about an hour ago, called in the pizza and took a shower. I got out just as the delivery guy came. I think he was a bit surprised when I answered in nothing but a towel," he smirked. I actually smiled, picturing the awkward delivery boy trying to avoid looking at Peter as he paid for the pizza. "You feel okay?"

Shrugging, I grabbed a slice of pizza and took a bite. It was the first solid food in days, and it was tasteless but it quickly filled me up.

"Are you going out?" I asked worriedly.

Glancing down at his towel, he shook his head. "No, I'm not leaving you. I just smelled like shit. I was going to watch a movie. Care to join me?" he swallowed and took another bite. I nodded and we continued to eat in silence, finishing off about half the pizza. When we were done, Peter stood and put the leftovers in the fridge before heading for his room to get dressed. When he joined me on the couch in the living room a few minutes later, he was in a pair of cotton sleep pants and shirtless.

"Want a beer?" he asked heading into the kitchen.

"How do you have beer?"

He winked over his shoulder at me. "Charlotte, she's a year older and after the night at the club, she bought some in case I needed to relieve the pain. I don't drink often but it's nice to have some around. Want one?"

The night in the bar I had had whiskey and had felt a bit lighter when it had flowed in my bloodstream. I knew alcohol wasn't going to make the pain go away, it would help me forget for a few minutes. And if a few minutes was all I could get, I would gladly take it.

"A few please," I replied. Chuckling, he returned with a six pack and placed it on the coffee table. After opening one, I took a long swig. It was refreshing and cold going down. Immediately, I wanted more. He sat behind me, stretching his legs along the couch for me to settle in between them, lying with my back to his chest. While one of his arms was draped over my chest, his other hand held the remote and he flipped through the channels until he found some action movie.

"This okay?" he asked, tossing the remote down. I wasn't sure if he meant the intimate embrace or the movie he had chosen. Either way, I was fine with both. Silently we watched the movie, I paid no attention the plot or dialogue, I only felt Peter behind me, his warmth seeping into me, radiating around me. My fingers weaved with his and I held his hand over my stomach. After three more beers, I felt my head become heavy, my entire body relaxed and sunk into his. Shifting my weight, I rubbed my ass against his cock and felt the vibrations of the moan in his chest through my back. Without further permission, I rolled over and faced him, my hips on top of his. The surprise on his face quickly faded to desire as I placed my hands on either side of his head and lowered my lips to his. Hungrily, he returned the kiss, his tongue entering my mouth, the alcohol stale and bitter as our tongues met and twisted together. Groaning, his hands went to my ass, pushing my hips down to his as he bucked up, his erection lengthening as it made contact with my own through the thin material of our clothing. As I continued to move my hips in circles against him, he broke the kiss and moved his lips along my unshaven jaw and neck. Lifting my head, I stretched my neck and gave him more access.

"Fucking hell, Jasper," he mumbled against my damp skin as he kissed and sucked his way long my collarbone. A wet spot had developed on my briefs as precum leaked from my slit in anticipation of our union. Completely hard, I rubbed myself against him, the friction not quite satisfying enough. Reaching between us with one hand, I yanked my underwear down enough to free my erection. Imitating my movements, he did the same, and when I lowered my hips, our naked, and now slickened, cocks met. Hissing at the sensation, his hips bucked up.

"More," he moaned breathlessly into my ear. "More."

I should have stopped it.

But I didn't want to. I wanted to feel something, anything, beside agony and pain and emptiness. I wanted to be free even if only few a seconds, I wanted to just…feel.

He arched his back and pressed his head into the arm of the couch, the corded muscles in his neck straining as his chased a release. Chasing the same feeling, the tension coiled in my body, ready to spring at any second. I wanted to delay it as much as possible, knowing as soon as the euphoria had passed through my system, I would be left with nothing but darkness once again. Leaning down, I sucked on his Adam's apple before kissing along the column of his neck, his jaw and ear, inhaling his freshly showered scent. Desperately, my hands went to his hair, grasping at the short pieces for leverage as I rolled my hips into him. Urgently, his hands were at the elastic band of my briefs as he pushed them down over my ass. Pulling away, I got off the couch and removed them completely before bending over and tugging his pants off. Naked and wanting, he lay on the couch for me. Licking my lips, I glanced at his cock and saw it twitch right before I joined him again, our completely naked bodies humming with excitement as we kissed and groped. Wet and slippery, our cocks slid together while our hands explored new territory. After a powerful thrust of my hips, I felt my cock slide between his legs, the head resting at his entrance. An inch further and I would have been inside him.

I wanted it.

He would have given it to me.

Repositioning myself, I lifted my hips away from the temptation of his entrance, and my cock caressed his.

"Feels so fuckin' good, Jasper…so good…" he murmured, pulling me into a chaste kiss.

"Fuckin' good" I repeated in his drawl. Our feverish rhythm faltered as we neared climax, each thrust of our hips bringing us closer. "Close," I gasped before I recaptured his lips, parting my own, letting our breaths mingle between us.

Through my hair, I looked down at him just as he looked up at me. Simultaneously we stopped moving. Just then, his orgasm ripped through him, his body tensing and releasing with each wave that fell on him, his cock shooting hot and wet between us, coating our stomachs. As soon as my cock felt his release, it pulsed and I came hard. Clenching my jaw, I grunted, my body absorbing the climax in bursts, the bliss momentarily relieving me from the previous few days. For a minute, I was comfortable, my body sated as the tingling spread throughout me. Spent, I collapsed on him, my breath coming in deep gasps. As the fog from the orgasm faded, and the realization of my situation dawned on me, I jerked my head off his chest and caught him watching me.

"Jasper?" he whispered hesitantly. My name had barely left his lips and I was pushing myself off him and running for the bathroom. Not even closing the door, I knelt in front of the toilet just as my stomach twisted my dinner back up. Sweaty, I leaned back against the wall, naked with cum running down my stomach and hanging from my cock. He stood in the doorway, his pants back on, a look of worry on his face.

"You okay?"

Repulsed by myself, I couldn't even look at him, but I nodded.

"Let's go to bed," he said simply, holding out his hand. Shaking my head, I brought my knees up and rested my forehead on them. "Jasper," he sighed and walked over to me. When he put a hand on my knee, I started crying, the gaping hole wasn't empty anymore, it was filled with guilt and shame and self hatred.

I had used him. Since the second I arrived on his doorstep knowing he would take me, providing me exactly what I needed, I had used him and our friendship. Only I had taken it to the next level, from just accepting his hugs to wanting him to relieve me sexually. What kind of monster was I becoming?

Suddenly, the nauseous returned and I leaned over the toilet again. His hand rubbed my back and my body gagged and retched. Weak, I laid my head on my arm, my sides heaving from the exertion. I felt a damp towel as he wiped the cum off my stomach and cock. Sliding his hands under my arms, he lifted me up. With an arm around my waist, he helped back to the bedroom. I had woken up hours prior thinking I had improved only to then realize I had taken many steps downward my own staircase to hell.

In his room, he laid me on the bed, covering me with a sheet. I could feel his indecision as he debated on whether or not to get into bed with me. Perhaps he feared I would take advantage of him again. But he climbed in anyway, and when I felt his warmth pressed solidly to my back, I began to calm, the air flowing into my lungs more freely.

He kissed my neck and held me tighter.

I cried harder.

"**~**~~"

"Jasper, fucking help me out here," he growled as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me from the truck. I didn't know what time it was but it was dark out as he and I shuffled up the stairs to the door. He leaned me against the wall and I swayed while he unlocked the door and guided me inside. "Can you make it to the bedroom?"

"Yessssir," I slurred as I rested my head on his shoulder. "How'd I get here?" I spoke but my own voice sounded distant and unrecognizable. Pushing his door open, he stood me by the bed and as he went to pull off my shirt, I lost my balance and fell onto the mattress. "Wheeeee," I said as the room spun in circles. "When did the bed start movin'?" Sighing heavily, he pulled off my boots and roughly yanked my pants off. "Jesus, man, careful of the goods," I complained gruffly.

"Move your ass to your side of the bed," he demanded. Slowly, I did as I was told and crawled to what had become known as my side and felt my head hit the pillow. "You better not fuckin' get sick," he insisted as I felt him get under the sheets behind me.

For the first time since I had arrived on his doorstep, he didn't press his warm body to mine.

The alcohol, thick in my blood, encouraged a deep, dark and nightmare free sleep.

The throbbing wouldn't stop, every part of my head pounded as I struggled to open my eyes. My throat felt as though something had long since died in it and tasted even worse. Slowly, I turned my head to the side and saw him lying there, sleeping peacefully. I didn't remember much from the night before, the last thing I recalled was arguing with Peter about college.

"Are you fucking shitting me?" he had almost yelled. With my head bowed, I shook it and remained silent during his tirade. "You got a fucking full scholarship to University of Texas and you fucking refused it?" That time, I nodded, still refusing to look at him. "I can't fucking believe you did that." He stood up and walked into the kitchen. I heard a few cupboard doors slam before he reappeared in the doorway. "Explain why? Tell me, Jasper, why did you not want to come home?"

I traced the pattern on his couch with a finger, plucking at the random strings while I tried to think of an answer that was honest and wouldn't hurt him.

I failed.

I never would have told him, it was a secret I had carried alone for over year until Edward had seen the letter. Not thinking, I had asked Peter to get something from my luggage and he had found it. When he stood in the doorway of the bathroom while I shaved, he had the envelope in his hand and asked what it was. I couldn't lie and confessed about the acceptance and scholarship. After the look of shock on his face turned to outrage, he threw the letter on his bed and stormed outside. I dressed quickly and went to look for him, finding him pacing along the deck between the plastic chairs. His rant began out there but we ended up in the living room where I sat on the couch like a scolded boy as he sat beside me, making no attempt to conceal the frustration flowing freely from him.

He returned to the couch and sat next to me again. "Why Jasper?" he asked quietly, his voice calmer than only seconds earlier. "You had a chance to come home and you didn't do it."

When I finally spoke to defend myself, my voice was meek, "I couldn't."

Running his hand through his hair, he sighed heavily. "You must really love him."

He knew. He knew my reason wasn't because I didn't want to see him, or be in Texas, but it was because I couldn't have left Edward.

Which was exactly what I had done, only a year later.

"It doesn't matter," I whispered, confirming his suspicions.

The anger returned to his voice. "The fuck it doesn't," he declared. "Jasper, you gave up almost eighty thousand dollars, you'll be paying back student loans for years…you gave up Texas, all you had ever known. You gave up …me."

Finally, I raised my head and looked at him. His face was passive, the anger suddenly gone, replaced with a tranquility. Without another word, he got up and left the room, closing his bedroom door lightly behind him. Less than a minute later, I was grabbing my keys and heading for my truck.

When he groaned, his eyes opened and he caught me watching him.

"How do you feel?" his voice was husky with sleep.

"Like shit," I answered thickly.

Stretching, he mumbled, "I'm not surprised."

"Do I even want to know what happened?"

"What do you remember?"

"Talking about college with you," I replied, glancing away.

Sitting up, he got out of bed and grabbed clean clothes. "I'm going to go take a shower."

"Wait, tell me what happened last night?"

"We'll talk about it later, but Jasper, you've got some thinking to do. You've been here a week, and I know it's been rough and you're hurting but…" He opened the door but turned to me before he left. "You need to decide if you're staying here or going back to Washington. But…aw fuck, you know I'll support whatever you decide, and if you decide to stay in Texas, you're welcome to stay with me."

Leaving me with that thought, he closed the door softly behind him. Sighing, I closed my eyes, trying to drive the panic that had risen in me away. Finally, he had confronted me, no longer holding me close and comforting me no matter the reason I had returned, which I had yet to tell him, but he had basically told me to cowboy up and decide what the hell I was going to do. I was drifting with no direction and it was only fair to him that I decide what I was going to do.

He was asking me to do the very thing I was afraid of doing.

Going on with my life.

A few hours later, he had left, finally returning to work after taking five days off to be with me. Charlotte wasn't due home for a week, so I was home alone. After sleeping most of the day away, and doing my best to avoid any thoughts relating to my life, I finally crawled out of bed and went into the bathroom. Even though the Texas sun was shining brightly, a darkness enveloped me, thick and hazy, settling around me like ash. Hoping I could wash it away, I stripped off my boxers and headed for the bathroom.

Naked, I stood in front of the scarred porcelain sink as I dragged the razor blade slowly along the soft, tender skin of my throat in long upward strokes. My hands expertly guided the plastic handle over my Adam's apple, curving along the tougher skin of my jaw covered in blond stubble, leaving trails of bare skin in the white foam. In my reflection, my eyes ignored the face in the mirror, instead they focused only on following the movement of my hand as it continued. Out of habit, after every stroke, I banged the razor on the side of the sink, dropping small whiskers in the porcelain, then quickly rinsed the blade under the running water before reintroducing it to my throat.

After tapping the blade against the sink, I looked down at it curiously, studying the thin strips of metal with tiny hairs scattered on them. Such small weapons for the damage they could inflict, the life they could drain.

So sharp.

I ran my index finger horizontally along the blade, crimson drops splattering onto the white porcelain below, landing, spreading out until they were only thin, faint pink drops before being captured by the water and circling down the drain. Turning my finger over, I inspected the slices closely, three thin perfectly straight marks decorated my fingertip, the small flaps of skin already pale from lack of blood. I relished in the sting the self inflicted cut had brought me.

Suddenly, frighteningly, I realized I wanted more; I realized my heart was distracted by the burn of my finger. For a moment, I felt…something. Though it was far from normal. Not sure I would ever feel normal, whatever the fuck that was, again, but I did feel something other than the intense ache that had dug a hole in my black soul and nestled in my chest. With every beat of my dead heart, my blood pushed the ache throughout my body, making sure it wrapped tightly around every muscle, touching every fucking cell and fiber. Bringing my wrist up close to my face, I studied the blue tinted map of veins running just under the delicate layer of skin. I imagined how much a larger burn would ease the burden of my heart even more, distract the ache in my chest, even temporarily.

It would be so easy.

So fucking easy.

Glancing at the tub I had just gotten out of, it occurred to me that it would be the most appropriate place to perform such a messy task. The image of my pale, cold body, half covered up with tepid pink-tinted water flashed before my eyes. The blurry form of my legs, folded up to fit into the small tub, my eyes blank in death, half open, blue clouded over with emptiness left in the wake of my actions. Damp curls stuck to my face, mouth gaped open a bit as my last breath escaped from my purplish lips, my head lay against the back of the curved tub. I saw my wrist hanging over the edge, fingers with dirty nails dangling as lines of blood ran down them, dropping red blots onto the tiled floor where they pooled before congealing, thickening to a syrup-like texture. As my life drained out of me, it gathered on the linoleum, grouping where the dirt and lint there discolored it as it spread out, gradually increasing the size of the puddle.

The dull florescent light above the mirror flickered and caught the reflection of a tear, drawing my eyes back to my face. I hadn't looked at myself in days, avoiding seeing the broken man that had taken my place, my new best friend, the empty shell that had become Jasper Whitlock. Silently, the tears fell from my eyes, down my cheeks and dropped into the sink, mixing and blending with my blood there. Bloodshot eyes, dirty, greasy hair, pale skin and black circles greeted me in my reflection. With my bloody finger, I reached up, tracing my face in the mirror, down my cheek, along the curve of my half-shaven jaw line, smudging faint blood engraved with fingerprints along the marred mirror. Mesmerized by the bloody face staring back at me; I realized the outside of my body was finally start to match the inside-bitter, dirty, worthless. Even my inked skin seemed pale and dull. The words faded as I stared at them. Their meaning never being truer than it was then. I had given so that they may do. Glancing from the razor to my dead body in the tub, my fingers gripped the plastic handle tighter. Just drag it along….

So easy.

I could physically do it. I was sure of it.

I couldn't emotionally do it. I was sure of it.

The desperation, the isolation, the fucking loneliness, wouldn't leave me, instead they had each wrapped their evil vines tightly around my soul, draining it more and more with each beat of my heart. Sucking, taking everything good from my life and replacing it with nothing but darkness, a darkness I couldn't see through. Pangs of agony ran through me, though I had been comforted by Peter, the solace I had hoped to find in Texas was non-existent, no matter how hard I had hoped to find it.

Closing my eyes, my palms rested on the edge of the sink for balance as I felt the angel's large, warm hands wrap around my waist, the warm, moist breath on my back as soft lips placed tiny kisses along my skin, my muscles flexing under the brief caresses. Long fingers grazed my abdomen, outlining the indentations shadowed there, other fingers ran the outline of my tattoo. Deftly, the tips of the fingers slid lower, skimming over my flaccid cock, coaxing it to lengthen. My head lolled back, and I felt the shaving cream begin to slip down my throat a bit when my lips curled up into a satisfied smile.

The angel's breath tickled my ear as he whispered to me. "Hey, love."

Not even sure the word was audible, but I choked out a 'hey' in reply, the vines strangling the word as it escaped me, denying his angel ears the chance to hear. Thinking I hadn't replied, that I didn't care, that I didn't love him, he removed his hands from around me, and with one last kiss to my shoulder began to fade away, unable to hear my response to his greeting, not knowing how much I loved him.

_Please, angel, don't leave me, I need you, _I begged silently.

For only in my angle's eyes, I was a complete man, not the shell standing there thinking of an escape route because he was too fucking weak to deal with the pain.

Thoughtfully, I stared at the razor, tempting my fingers to bring it to my wrist. With little planning, I could be resting, suffering no more. I briefly wondered if I would leave a note, easing their minds of their involvement in my decision; or would I leave them wondering why for the rest of their lives.

I would do neither.

It wasn't my heart to stop anymore. My angel owned it, not me. It hadn't been mine since the day he had saved my ass in the hallway at Forks High School all those years ago. The night before I left, I had told him his soul was where my heart resided.

And it always would.

I entrusted it to him, knowing I had done the right thing. I hoped he would watch over it for me.

I considered that. If he did have my heart, then how could it fucking hurt in my chest so much; the constant ache, tightening, throbbing always there just under the surface. How could my heart hurt if it wasn't even in me?

So easy.

So easy just to end the ache, to fill the emptiness with nothingness instead. I didn't realize I had dropped the razor until I heard it clink on the sink, sliding down the side, landing at the bottom while the warm water steadily flowed around it.

With a loud cry, I fell to my knees, my hands fisting my hair as the sobs wreaked havoc on my body and soul, traveling through it forcefully. I fell against the cool tub, my hot flesh jumping at the contact, I drew my legs up to my chest, resting my forehead on my knees, the tears soaking my skin quickly. Loud cries fill the tiny room as the uncontrollable emotions flowed throughout every cell in my body, seeking escape. I had let the most beautiful thing in my life walk away without a fight; without even telling him how much he meant to me.

It fucking hurt.

So much.

I prayed briefly for it to end. I prayed longer for the strength I knew I didn't have to end it.

For what seemed like hours, I sat there, my body shaking from the exhaustion the emptying of emotions left behind. As my wailing cries withered into whimpers, I felt completely drained, my stinging eyes eventually dried, dehydration setting in.

Almost as if I had drained the blood from my body already.

Those drops of blood long washed away in the sink had his name on them, my blood was his, my heart, my breath.

How could I survive without those things?

As I sat there, slowly I realized I could go on with my life. I would be that empty shell of man, cold blood filling my veins instead of his warmth, bitter tasting air in my lungs instead of his sweet breath, and stone harden muscle in place a soft thumping heart. With a few deep breaths, I picked myself up off the floor, once again facing the mirror.

I looked at my eyes, the blue hue still visible, but the life behind them clearly not, only emptiness was left behind.

That was the man I would have to become if I was going to survive.

So easy.

Like Peter had said, I had a decision to make. Only it wasn't whether I was going to stay with him or return to Edward, it was whether I was going to live or die.

I was too weak to follow through with taking my life, and I was too ashamed to return to Edward. Staring at my lifeless eyes, I decided I would compromise by becoming walking dead. Physically alive, but emotionally void.

Decision made, I quickly wiped off my face and went back to the bedroom. I didn't have to look hard, it was sitting on top of my clothes in my duffle bag. Pulling it out, I went to the bed and grabbed the phone on the table.

I was going to give so that he may do.

I dialed the number.

"University of Texas admissions office, how can I help you?"

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~

So was anyone surprised? I think it was about 50/50 on whether he was at Edward's or Peter's, a few thought he went to his parents and some even thought Carlise and Esme's. Now, just how many are gathering the pitchforks?

As of now, there are two more chapters, then the epilogue. But…Dannie won't let me end the story, so there are outtakes (ikr? Outtakes for the outtakes!) planned after the epilogue has been posted.


	16. Through Their Eyes

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N- The end result is the same, but for some reason, L&F was written first, some of it adjusted for S&S. You will see what I mean. I ask that once you realize what is going on, don't skim this chapter. Honestly, it's one of my favorite things I've written.

The angst ain't over…

My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise, are my own.

As always, many thanks and lots of hugs to Dannie, this wouldn't be here without her.

"****~~**"**

Through Their Eyes

Location: Home (Helpless)

"****~~**"**

"Reachin' out to touch you,  
I can feel so much,  
Since I've found you  
Lookin' through the eyes of love.

And now I do believe,  
That even in a storm, we'll find some light;  
Knowin' you're beside me,  
I'm alright_."_ –Melissa Manchester

"**~~**"

They thought they hid their love.

What they didn't know was how obvious it was, in every touch, every word, every glance… a love so strong, those around them felt it.

I felt it

I envied it.

Since the day I had walked into the cafeteria with Edward and he had introduced me to a handsome blond boy with curls and intense blue eyes, I had known they were more than friends. At the time, it was nothing obvious, nothing tangible. There were no loving glances or holding hands, but there was something indescribable between them, something you just felt.

Though to this day I am not sure they knew what it was. They just knew…it was. To them, it was how all friends were, the way they always seem to know what the other was thinking or feeling. Sometimes it frightened me, how Edward could practically read Jasper's thoughts, and how Jasper seemed to always know what Edward was feeling, what he needed.

Even though there was such a unique connection between them, I never once felt left out. They included me, protected me, and loved me in their own way. It was that love that had led me to ask Edward for a huge favor. I had never had steady boyfriend, and I thought I would never love anyone like I did Edward and Jasper. They would both forever be a part of my life, nothing would ever separate us, and knowing that, I wanted to lose my virginity to someone I loved. I was young, I feared I would never have a boyfriend that understood me as well as they did. A few weeks before the Prom I had asked Edward to take my virginity. My decision between them had been easy as Jasper was dating Alice, leaving him unavailable. Cool, calm Edward had been embarrassed at my request, his cheeks flushing when I asked. Nervously, I gave him my reasoning. Never asking if he was a virgin too, I explained my desire for it to be with someone I loved, that would always be in my life, not some random guy. Finally, though reluctantly, he agreed.

The entire night we had all been on edge. Jasper and Edward had shared some anxious looks, and I had wondered if Edward had told Jasper. We danced, ate, and sat at the table. I wasn't surprised when they had both disappeared for awhile, Alice and I entertained ourselves with gossip about everyone's dates. When it was over, we dropped Jasper and Alice off and went to a hotel.

Once in the room, we undressed and climbed into bed. As we kissed, Edward's hands roamed hesitantly over my body, his heart racing in his chest. Nerves got the better of us and we giggled a few times as we explored each others bodies. As his cock grew hard in my hand, he moaned in my ear. When I felt his fingers searching between my legs, I arched my back and spread them. He pulled his cock from my hand, explaining he was afraid of coming too soon, and focused his attentions on making me climax. I had had orgasms brought on by my own hand but they didn't compare to someone else's touch. The moment I reached that peak, gasping, our friendship was forged into something else, something we shared between us that no one could ever take away. While I will still on my high, he climbed on top of me and positioned himself between my legs. He slipped a condom on and asked if was sure. After nodding, he gently pushed inside me, slowly until he met resistance. Staring at me, he thrust forward, and I cried out, the burn instant and intense, but quickly fading. Edward soothed and comforted me even as he began to thrust in and out, his pace uneven. It wasn't too long before the burn eased, and I was able to enjoy the feel of him inside me. Soon, he grunted and stilled before collapsing on me, gasping. After pulling out and taking the condom off, he lay down next to me with a look of guilt on his face. Fearing he felt guilty over us not being a couple, I tried to ease it, assuring him it had been what I wanted, that I didn't expect more.

It wasn't until weeks later that I realized it wasn't me he had felt guilty about. Then it was me that felt guilty for not having realized it sooner, and for having asked him to begin with. I hadn't realized their feelings had become physical until months later at the Cullen's holiday party our senior year. Edward had sat the piano to play for the guests. As his eyes closed and his hands flowed over the keys, I stood beside Jasper and watched. Everyone in the crowd was awed by Edward's talent, but Jasper - he was completely motionless with the exception of his tongue darting out to lick his lips. I swear I heard his heart pounding as his chest began to rise and fall rapidly. His blue eyes were trained on Edward, he didn't hear any word I said, he just…watched.

And loved.

When Edward was done playing and his eyes opened, they saw no one but Jasper. People clapped, congratulated him, told him how talented he was, but he heard none of it. He had played for one person and one person only. Jasper's thoughts and approval were all he cared about. After standing up and absently shaking a few hands, he made his way through the crowd to us, to Jasper. Smiling, I complimented Edward on how beautiful it was, he hugged me and said thanks. Edward blushed, his eyes downcast, when Jasper told him how talented he was. Edward made a joke to cover up his embarrassment. The one that he had played for smiled at Edward's lame attempt at a joke and put a hand on his shoulder, leaning in, he whispered something in Edward's ear, his full lips almost touching Edward's sensitive flesh.

The blush deepened to a scarlet as Edward's eyes grew wide with excitement.

Later, as the guests mingled in the great room, I had gone into the kitchen to fetch something for Esme. When I walked in, I heard hushed whispers of need and the slight movement of bodies. I turned the corner to the dark hallway connecting the kitchen the back stairs, assuming I would catch Jessica and her latest conquest making out.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Edward had Jasper pressed against the wall, his hands under Jasper's sweater, resting on his waist. Their foreheads were touching, their eyes closed as their lips met over and over in familiar, soft, controlled, but urgent, kisses. Jasper's hands were on Edward's shoulders, his fingers digging into Edward's shirt as he tried to restrain himself from taking the kiss further.

"Jasper," Edward whispered desperately as he too resisted deepening the kiss. "I need you."

Feeling like I was intruding on their private moment, I quickly turned and retreated to the kitchen with a smile. When they rejoined the party a bit later, there was a flush to both their cheeks and Edward's shirt was uncharacteristically rumpled. I reached out and pulled Jasper's sweater down that had gotten bunched up from Edward's roaming hands. They stood in front of Jessica and I laughing and joking about something a teacher had said and I glanced down at their hands just as Jasper's fingers twitched in need to reach out for Edward's, which were dangerously close.

After witnessing their undeniable passion for each other, I felt as though I understood them in a new way, and immediately felt even more protective of their relationship.

Our relationship continued like that for awhile. They pretended they weren't together while I pretended not to notice they obviously were. There were a few times, I thought one or both of them would come out, but it never happened. I felt Edward wanted to a few times but held back for Jasper. Of the two of them, it would be Jasper that would be nervous about what others would think. Edward never cared though, he lived his own life. As beautiful as he was and the attention he garnered from everyone, he was used the spotlight, but he never relished in it, never yearned for it. He lived for one person only.

Jasper.

Jasper wasn't just Edward's this year love, he was his lifelong love.

We had all applied to colleges, all hoping to get into University of Washington, none of us fooling ourselves into thinking we could be separated. We applied to other colleges to please our parents but there was no doubt we wanted to be together. I had never seen Jasper so tense before. For weeks on end, he was on edge, worried, nervous, short-tempered. Even Edward's typical soothing effect he had on Jasper failed to work its magic. In the spring of our senior year Jasper's fears of not attending college with Edward and I were alleviated when he got accepted to University of Washington. Immediately, we began making plans for our college years, Carlise purchased a small house for us to live in while we attended. The boys could have probably roomed together in a dorm, but neither of them were willing to leave me behind, and I loved them both for it.

After moving into together, their feelings for one another became unconsciously more obvious, more open, at least with in the confines of the house. Jasper practically jumped for joy when he saw that two rooms in the house had an adjoining door. I swear I could see the flashes of possibilities in his head as he quickly claimed that he and Edward should have those rooms, being the two boys. It only made sense, I agreed with a knowing grin.

Rosalie and I had become good friends and I would often go to her place to study to give the boys some alone time. I could tell when they needed it, when they needed to reconnect with each other openly. I had only officially caught them in bed together once, although they had tried to hide it. Jasper and I had gone to a frat party and had arrived home a bit drunk. We said good night and went into our bedrooms. The next morning, I went to check on Jasper, to see if he had the same throbbing headache I did. He didn't answer when I knocked, and assuming he was still sleeping, I opened the door only to find his bed empty, his clothes on the floor and the door between their rooms closed. Curious, I went to Edward's door and knocked. On the other side, I heard a muffled panicked voice waking Edward up. In a sleepy voice, Edward told me through a closed door that he hadn't seen Jasper and perhaps he had gone out jogging. Chuckling at his reply, I had been tempted to ask him if Jasper often ran without his sneakers, which were lying on the floor in his room.

About an hour later, Jasper came downstairs with a very satisfied look on his handsome face as he sat the counter. Avoiding my eyes, he apologized, said he had been hungover he never heard me knock. I never told him he had forgotten to lock his door. Minutes later, a freshly showered, and just as satisfied Edward, joined us, sharing a look with Jasper that melted my heart.

I think it was in that moment that I knew they would always be together, that no one else would ever own their hearts. As much as they loved me, and I had no doubt they did, I would eventually be on my own, but they…they would always have each other. When I started dating Jake, there was a strain put on our relationship that I had begun to think we would not recover from.

Jasper never accepted Jake.

Hell, Jasper would never accept anyone for me; no one was good enough in his eyes. While Edward felt the same way, he knew I had to find out on my own who I was meant to spend my life with, who would be my partner. He buried his uncertainty of Jake while Jasper made his dislike clear with snide remarks and obvious avoiding. I loved Jasper, but his lack of faith and confidence in my decisions hurt. I was not a weak person who couldn't think for herself. I was reasonable, sensible, and while I appreciated his concern, he needed to believe in me more. Our relationship became stressed, both of us avoiding the other until we were ready to combust. When Jake had asked me to marry him, my immediately reply was I needed time to think about it. Marriage wasn't something I had ever really considered. It hadn't worked out for my parents, and growing up, I hadn't had the most positive image of marriage.

The night Edward came into my room and suggested a road trip, I jumped at the chance. Not only did I it allow me the space and time that I had requested from Jake but I thought the time with Jasper would help him realize I was a grown woman, and not the scared girl he had met all those years ago. Then Edward got the internship with his father and couldn't pass up the chance to work the summer at the hospital. Admittedly, I was nervous about going with Jasper alone. Edward had been the salve between us and it scared me to not have him around to keep Jasper and I from killing each other.

The night before we left, I had spent the night at Jake's per his request. We ate dinner in and watched a movie before falling asleep on the couch. I knew Edward and Jasper needed some alone time more then than ever. It was misting out the next morning when Jasper and I were finally packed and ready to go. While Jasper waited by his truck for me, Edward hugged me tightly before whispering in my ear his request.

_Please return him to me safe and sound._

It had been a reasonable request and I quickly promised I would do it.

At the time I had no idea I would fail.

The trip with Jasper had started off tense, the silence in the cab of the truck was thick and heavy and weighed on us both. We were both leery of saying the wrong thing, of upsetting the other. It wasn't until we pulled into a truck stop on the second night of our trip that we realized how much we needed each other. While Jasper had run into the store, I used the bathroom. The parking lot was dark and nearly deserted when I returned back to the truck. I had begun to pump the gas when two men came up behind me. They were obviously drunk, the stench of alcohol fresh on their breath, as they approached me, quickly cornering me. One grabbed my arm while he tried to convince me to give his friend a kiss for his birthday. My heart raced, my eyes wide as I thought of what to do.

Then I saw him.

Jasper approached from behind the men, his manner calm, his voice confident as he told them to let me go. I had never been more thankful to see Jasper as I was then. He truly was my knight in shining armor. Their attention left me and they focused on Jasper as he ordered me into the truck. I wanted to stay and help but instinct told me to listen to him. From inside the truck, I watched as punch after punch landed on Jasper's body and face.

When it was over and we were alone, I broke down, and he just held me. He had been beaten but he was the one comforting me. Edward had given me something of himself the night we slept together, and that night, Jasper gave me something of himself as well. He had risked his life for mine. He had even bought a singing cactus as a peace offering of sorts.

But he hadn't needed it.

At first, our sleeping arrangements had been awkward, and Jasper insisting on sleeping in the chair if the hotel only had one bed. I wasn't sure if he was uncomfortable because of Edward, or because of the lingering tension that remained between him and me. But something changed the night of the fight. The need to be close, to hold and sooth each other took precedence over any awkwardness and from that night on, we slept together. There was nothing sexual about it; it was comforting to us both, to wake up in a strange bed together rather than alone. On more than one occasion, when I had woken up with Jasper wrapped around me from behind, I had felt his erection pressing into me. It had provided me many mornings of teasing as he would pull away quickly and apologize.

I learned so much about Jasper on that trip. Some little details I didn't really need to know, like that he tended to snore in his sleep, preferred his boxer briefs to be black, used too much shampoo, and hogged the blankets.

I also learned he could cook like a four-star chef over an open fire, sang the most beautiful music, and missed Edward every second of every day.

I don't think he realized how much he missed him. I knew Edward very well, intimately even, but I didn't really know Edward until I saw him through Jasper's eyes.

Through the eyes of love.

The way his face light up when Edward's name was mentioned, the way he smiled randomly when we were driving, the way he blushed when a certain song would come on the radio. Sometimes I would bring up Edward's name just see the pink stain Jasper's cheeks.

After arriving at Peter and Charlotte's, we immediately felt welcomed. I could see why Jasper had missed Texas, and his friends, so much. Each day he showed me something new, taking me on his own little tour of his home state, his pride and knowledge in it evident as he showed me around. Each day our bond grew, and I began to appreciate Jasper on a new level.

Of course, Edward had been right. The trip had been just what we needed to reestablish our friendship. It healed our friendship and it healed me. Observing Jasper miss Edward day after day, I realized Jake and I wouldn't work. Jasper longed for Edward far more than I did for Jake. I wanted to experience their kind of love, the love that encompassed me, made me believe nothing was impossible, that there was no one else in the world more perfect for me. It was not the kind of love I had for Jake. In a way I loved him, but not in a way that would hold a marriage together

The morning we were supposed to leave, Charlotte and I were in the kitchen making an early breakfast when Peter's door opened and Jasper exited. Stunned, I stood and watched as he walked into the kitchen. Charlotte chuckled to herself while I just felt confused.

_Edward._

As soon as Peter emerged from the room battered and bruised, I had understood why Jasper had been with him. I had done the same thing when Jasper had been hurt, I felt responsible for him, and felt the need to take care of and look over him. There was no doubt Jasper would feel the same way about Peter.

After a long goodbye in the driveway, Jasper and I headed home. I should have known something more was wrong but I had assumed he was already missing his friends. Had I suspected it was something more, I would have done what I could to have prevented it.

Every time I was with Edward and Jasper, I felt their connection. I loved them both, for different reasons, but together for including me into their world, for letting me experience love via them, even if they didn't know it. They showed me it was possible, that true love existed for everyone. That love could, and would, overcome all obstacles.

Until now.

Never before I had seen anyone so…broken.

He just stood there.

He hadn't moved since Jasper had dropped me off over six hours ago.

Six hours since he said he would be right in.

When I had opened the door, Edward was bounding down the stairs, sweeping me up into a hug as soon as he saw me, swinging me around, and kissing my cheek before he put me down. There was a light in his eyes I had missed so much, and while I knew he was happy to see me, I knew the light wasn't for me, but for the boy outside. Excitement and anticipation practically came off Edward in waves as he went to the door and swung it open.

He turned to me, the excitement in his face had been replaced by confusion "Where is he?"

Shrugging, I looked around him and saw the truck was no longer in the driveway.

"I don't know, he said he was coming right in."

Edward stepped on the porch and looked around. "I text him and he said he was going to call his parents. Do you think something happened?"

"Maybe. Maybe he had to go home. I'm sure he'll call."

But I wasn't.

Suddenly, Jasper's behavior driving home began to fall into place; his lack of eating, throwing up in the woods, going without sleep in order to get home faster.

He had never intended to come home.

Edward sat on the wicker chair on the porch, my suitcase on the wooden planks next to him. I sat with him, my hand on his thigh. Neither of us spoke.

He just stared at the empty spot in the driveway.

After a few hours, I encouraged him to move inside. I had been able to get him inside the door, but he wouldn't move past the window that overlooked the street. Every time a set of headlights passed through the panes of glass, a look of hope crossed his face, only to be destroyed seconds later when the car drove past our house. We had both text and called him several times, getting no response.

Eight hours later and no word from Jasper. Edward hadn't moved, hadn't spoken. Even when I asked him a direct question, he ignored me. He was in his own world, away from me, his thoughts with the one that wasn't with us.

Ten hours. Edward's head was resting against the window when I walked up behind him and put my hand on his shoulder. He didn't jump or even flinch.

"He's not coming back." It hurt to say the words out loud even though I had suspected them to be true for a few hours.

At first, I assumed he wouldn't reply, but then he sighed and closed his eyes, as if gathering the strength to talk. "Yes he is. He won't leave me…us… he can't."

"Edward…." I began but stopped.

He turned to me, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. "I know him, Bella. I _know_ him. Something's wrong."

The sobs hit him fast and strong, his body shaking as he cried, unable to contain his emotions. His body no longer strong enough to hold him up, he slid down the wall and sat on the floor, his forehead resting on his knees. I followed him, taking him in arms, his head on my shoulder as he continued to cry, his breaths short and gasping. Running my hand up and down his back, I whispered in his ear, told him it was going to be okay.

I lied.

I woke up the next morning sitting on the floor by the door, my arms still wrapped around Edward, his head still on my shoulder. I was sore and stiff but I didn't move until Edward had opened his eyes. He quietly apologized and then stood up. I offered to cook some eggs and bacon for breakfast, but the simple words brought on a new wave of tears from Edward. I went to hug him again but he broke free of my embrace and ran upstairs. A minute later, I followed him up the stairs and knocked on his door. When it pushed opened, I saw an empty bed and a few clothes in the floor but no Edward. I walked through his room to their adjoining door and opened it.

Edward lay on Jasper's bed on his side, tears falling silently down his face. The room had been well used. Clothes were on the floor, books scattered everywhere, a few empty water bottles stood on the desk.

Edward had been staying in Jasper's room while we had been gone.

I realized then that Edward was making no effort to hide their relationship from me. He was openly agonizing over Jasper's absence as a lover, not a friend.

"Why, Bella, why didn't he come back to me?" he asked me in a tired, broken whisper.

I wanted nothing more than to be able to answer him.

Crawling into bed behind him, I pulled him close and wrapped an arm around his middle. I held him as each wave of anguish hit him throughout the day and night. With each tear that fell from his eyes, with each soft cry he let out, my heart broke again and again. As much as I wanted to be pissed at Jasper for hurting Edward, I knew Jasper was no better. Whatever had taken him away from us, whatever had lured him into thinking that it was for the best, I knew he was suffering as much as Edward was. I had gotten to know Jasper so well during our trip, and I had seen his love for Edward, I knew whatever it was that was keeping him away, it was also tearing him apart.

The next day, I climbed out of bed to answering the ringing phone, hurrying to get it before Edward woke up.

"Hello?" I answered, hoping to hear Jasper's voice on the other side.

"Bella? Welcome home." It was Carlise. "Is Edward there? He was supposed to come into work today and he hasn't shown up yet."

"Hi, Mr. Cullen, yeah he's here but he's not feeling very well. Stomach virus I think."

"Okay, tell him to get some rest, and plenty of fluids. Why doesn't he take tomorrow off too, he hasn't missed a day yet and I know he will want to spend time with you and Jasper. Come over soon so Esme and I can hear about the trip."

"Of course," I put on a fake happy tone. "Talk to you soon, Mr. Cullen."

"Bye, Bella."

As soon I set the phone in the cradle, I ran to my room to get my bag, which still sat just inside the door. Searching through it, I finally found my cell phone, and immediately hoped to find a missed call.

My heart dropped when there were none.

I couldn't believe I hadn't thought to do it sooner, but I had been so preoccupied with taking care of Edward that I had completely forgotten.

I had Charlotte's number.

It rang three times before she answered.

"Hello?"

"Charlotte, it's Bella," I spewed out quickly. "Is Jasper with you?"

"Well, hi to you too," she chuckled, oblivious to the urgency of the situation.

"Charlotte, is Jasper with you?" I repeated more forcefully.

"No. Isn't he with you? I'm with my parents, we aren't even in Texas. Bella, what's wrong?"

Sighing, I told her what had happened, leaving out details about Edward and Jasper's relationship.

"Shit…no, Bella, I haven't talked to him since y'all left. I'll call Peter and see if he's there, but…"

"But what?"

"Well, even if he is heading back to Texas, he won't be there yet. You said he dropped you off day before yesterday. It's probably about a thirty-six hour drive, and that's straight though."

"Damn… I hadn't thought of that," I resigned with a sad sigh.

"Let me call Peter, I'll call you right back." With that, she hung up and true to her word, called back less than five minutes later.

"Sorry, Bella, Peter didn't answer his phone, but I left a message. As soon as I hear from him I'll let you know."

"Thanks. Take care," I said quietly before hanging up and went back to Edward.

Only he wasn't there.

Quietly walking down the stairs, I found him at his piano and if it was possible, my heart broke even more. He sat on the bench, his shoulders slumped as he held something in his hands and stared at it. As I approached, I saw it was a picture of the two of them. It had been taken in high school after a snowstorm. Edward and Jasper were outside in the snow, their arms around each other's shoulders as Jasper smiled wide for the camera while Edward was gazing at Jasper with his crooked grin, both their eyes bright and excited.

It was so obviously two boys madly in love with each other.

I jumped when the glass hit the floor and shattered, the wooden frame splintered into pieces and scattered along the hardwood. Shocked, I gasped and looked at Edward. He had barely moved but his chest was heaving, his face clouded with anger.

"Where the fuck is he, Bella?" he asked me, enraged. I couldn't answer him; I glanced from the broken picture and back to him. "Why won't he come home? Or fucking call?"

He stood up so quickly, he knocked the bench over. With long strides he walked over to another picture of them on the mantel. Taking in his hands, he lifted it over his head and smashed it on the hearth before reaching for another and another. One after the other, he broke the pictures, shards of glass covering the floor around his bare feet.

"What the fuck did I do! Please, Bella…please," he looked at me with overwhelming grief. "Please tell me what I did? I need to fix it, I need to make it right," his voice softened. Tears began to fall, dampening his cheeks even as his hands fisted at his sides. Turning, he grabbed another picture and slammed it to the ground.

Useless, I stood and watched.

"Please…" he begged and sobbed. Out of pictures, he walked through the glass, his feet getting cut in the process. Leaving a trail of bloody footprints behind, he walked into the kitchen and went to the stove. Worriedly, I followed him, wanting to warn him of his feet but I knew he didn't even feel the wounds. At the stove, he took a deep breath before picking up the pasta pot that sat on it and with every bit of strength he had, threw it to the floor. The noise echoed throughout the house, but it was his silent tears that I heard the most.

Falling to his hands and knees, he tried to regain his breath. "Please…Jasper…come back…I …I can't do it without you…" he whispered over and over again as he rocked back and forth. I got down onto the floor and crawled over to him, sitting in front of him, I put my hand in his hair and stroked it.

"I need him, Bella…I need him so bad. I don't know how…." he stopped.

"How to what?"

With a deep breath, he looked up at me. "I don't know how to do it without him."

"Do what, honey?" I gave him a weak smile.

"Live."

My heart stopped. Biting my lip, I continued to touch him, hoping I was soothing him in some small way. After a few minutes, I got to my knees and put my hands on his shoulders.

"Edward, we have to get your feet cleaned up. I think you cut them." I knew he had, I could see the blood seeping from the slices on the bottom of his feet and pooling on the linoleum. Nodding, he slowly stood and gingerly walked to the table where he sat down. I wet a towel and kneeled in front of him. Resigned, he lifted a foot and I wiped the blood off, exposing two long slices on his left foot and one jagged gash on his right. After some pressure, the bleeding stopped and I examined them more closely. "You might need stitches," I said looking up at him.

Furrowing his brows, he tilted his each foot so he could see.

"The left one is fine," he said before looking at the bottom of his right foot. "I've got a butterfly stitch in my bag, I can use it on this one. Can you get it for me, it's in our room."

"Our?"

Looking down, he exhaled softly. "Jasper's."

Without another word, I ran upstairs and found his bag on the floor by the desk. Grabbing it, I returned to the kitchen and found him on the floor wiping up the blood.

"Leave it, I can get it later. Let's take care of your feet."

With sure hands and little fuss, he bandaged his left foot with expert skill. To his right, he applied a butterfly stitch and bandaged it up as well. When he was done, I offered to make food or get him a drink, he wanted neither.

"Aspirin?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm going to go upstairs, I will clean up later."

Standing, he hissed when he put weight on his feet but then headed for the stairs. I finished cleaning the floor in the kitchen and then moved to the living room where I vacuumed up all the glass and pulled the pictures from their broken frames. Keeping them together, I put them in a drawer in my desk. I knew he would want them again. If Jasper never returned, Edward would want those happy memories of him to look back on someday.

When I was done, I checked on Edward and found him sleeping restlessly, his body jerking and twitching. Leaving him alone, I went into my room and fell onto my bed, burying my head into my pillow to hide the sobs as they escaped me and I mourned for them both.

A week had gone by without a word from Jasper. Charlotte had called a few times, with still no news of him. She was frustrated, as she hadn't been able to reach Peter yet either, though she said it wasn't surprising for him to not check messages often.

Our worry had turned to anger, back to worry, and while I had begun to move into acceptance, I knew Edward was far from accepting that Jasper was gone. He hadn't eaten since I had come home, although I had managed to keep him hydrated. He had called his dad and had taken the rest of the week off from work, but he was due to return to work the next day.

Every night he slept in Jasper's bed, every morning he stayed there, getting up only to use the bathroom.

I had never seen Edward so distraught, utterly and completely destroyed.

Sitting at the kitchen table, I mindlessly ate some pizza while staring into space when Edward entered the kitchen. It was the first time he had been in it since his breakdown. Surprised, I smiled at him and he actually gave me a half-hearted attempt at one himself.

"Pizza?" I asked as he sat down. Pushing the box of pizza over to him, I offered him a slice. My heart leapt when he took it.

When he saw me smiling at him, he tilted his head. "What?"

I motioned to the pizza. "You're eating."

He shrugged and took another bite. "Not sure why, not really hungry."

"Edward…" I started but paused, unsure how to continue or if should continue. When I saw him looking at me expectantly continued. "Can I ask you something?"

Nodding, he took another bit.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

At first, he looked confused, then he realized what I was referring to, and with a sigh, tossed his pizza into the box. Immediately, I regretted my question.

"I had promised him we would keep it a secret, even from you, until he was ready. I had hoped after your trip with him, that he would come back ready to tell you or maybe even…" he ran his hands through his hair, "that he already had." He snorted. "But I guess not, huh?"

"No…" I agreed. "But he didn't have to Edward."

His hands stopped in his hair and with his head down, he looked up at me. "What do you mean?"

Reaching out, I took his hand from his hair and held it. "I've known for a long time."

"How long?" he choked out nervously.

Shyly, I looked down. "Since the first day I saw you together. There was just…something there, but I couldn't place what it was. I knew it was more than a unique friendship after the Prom. After we slept together, you seemed to feel so guilty. Took me forever to realize why, but once I did, I started looking for it and I saw it, Edward. In everything. It was in every touch, every look, every word."

He actually blushed at my words, his cheeks coming to life at the mention of their obvious love.

I continued. "Christmas our senior year at your parent's party, you played the piano. I was with Jasper while you played and I watched him watch you. He was mesmerized, Edward, completely…just lost in you. Then a bit later, your mom asked me to get her something from the kitchen and I heard something in the back hall…"

His head shot up and his eyes widen. "You didn't see us, did you?"

Biting my lip, I nodded. "Yeah. Kissing." I admitted.

"Oh, my God," he lowered his head to the table. "All this time, you knew?"

"Yes. But, Edward, look at me." Reluctantly, he lifted his head, his tears running down his flushed cheeks. "It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was so pure and raw and real. Touching. It made me love the both of you even more."

He laid his head back down on the table and mumbled, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I couldn't do that to him."

Still holding his hand, I bit my lip before speaking again. "Edward, I don't know if this will make it better or worse, but…" I felt my eyes well up with tears. "He missed you so much. Every day he missed you." He looked up at me, smiling a bit at my words, so I continued. "One day I asked about the necklace he wore, and he said you had given it to him. I could tell he was embarrassed so I didn't press him, but he was so…proud of it. He just beamed when he said it was from you."

His smiled widened. "I gave it to him the night before he left. He promised me he would look at it every day and think of me."

"I can assure you that he did. I caught him staring it or touching it all the time. And the guitar?"

Resting his head on his outstretched arm that held my hand, he spoke quietly, "I gave it to him for his birthday that night because he wasn't going to be home for it. He had wanted it for so long, but he would have never spent the money for it. So I did. The look on his face when I gave it to him, Bella…it was beautiful. He was so happy. Of course, he tried to refuse it, but he took it. Then he played for me and I had never heard anything more amazing. "

"He sang to me too, he held the guitar like he was holding you."

"He promised me something else that night," his eyes remained on the table. "He promised he would come back to me." Slowly, he pulled his eyes up to meet mine. "Why didn't he come back to me, Bella?"

"I wish I knew-"

Suddenly, his head jerked up and he whipped his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, frowning when he looked at the number.

"Hello?" He paused, a mixture of concentration and confusion on his face. "Jasper? Is that you?"

I gasped at his words, gripped his hand tighter.

"Please," he began to cry, failing to hold it together. "Jasper…is it you?" A minute later, the phone fell from his hand, hitting the table with a small thud. He made no motion to move.

"Was it him?" I asked anxiously. I wanted to know more, was he alright, how did he sound, where the fuck was he.

Edward only nodded before getting up and leaving me alone at the table. I followed him a few minutes later and found him on Jasper's bed staring at the ceiling.

"Edward," I said from the doorway. He just rolled away from me.

Almost a week later, I was in my bedroom, finally organizing my books onto my bookshelves that Edward had had built for me. He had gotten up and gone to work like he was supposed to but he wasn't the Edward I knew and loved anymore. He was a void, an empty shell of a man just going through the motions of his days, just doing enough to remain alive…barely. He showered, he dressed, but he didn't eat, barely drank and did nothing but sleep when he was home.

I tried to comfort him the best I could but it wasn't my presence that was going to ease his grief. While Edward was at work, my phone rang and I rushed to get it, anxious when I saw it was Charlotte.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bella. He's there. Peter just called. But Bella," she paused.

"What?" She remained quiet on the other end. "Charlotte, tell me."

"He's a mess. Peter said he collapsed when he arrived. He hadn't eaten, he was crying, shaking. Peter said he has been sleeping since he arrived."

It sounded very familiar.

"He's alright though? He's not hurt?"

"Peter didn't say. I assume he's okay. Why did he leave?"

"I don't know. Thanks for your help, Charlotte."

"Anytime, Bella. If there's anything I can do, please let me know."

We hung up and I set the phone down. Immediately, I wanted to call Edward and let him know, but thought better of it. He was at work, it was hardly the place to give him the news. Instead, I returned to my task, my body imitating Edward's and just going through the motions.

I had fallen asleep on my bed and woke up to find the sun had set and night had fallen. I had decided to not tell Edward about Jasper, at least not yet. Edward was just starting to begin to heal, although he had a long road ahead of him. Knowing Jasper was with Peter made me wonder if he had left to return to Peter all along.

I thought back to the morning we had left, and seeing Jasper come from Peter's room. Maybe that was why he had been so distraught driving home, he knew his heart lay with Peter and he couldn't face Edward to tell him. Perhaps he chickened out the last minute and took some time alone to think things through before returning to the one he loved more.

His childhood friend.

How could I tell Edward that? How could I break his heart even more than it had been already? And why had it taken Jasper a week to get there? I wanted to be the source of comfort, not more agony. My head ached as I slowly climbed out of bed to go check on Edward. I often got up several times throughout the night to make sure he was alright. I think it was as much for myself as for him.

Tiptoeing to Jasper's room, I stopped in the doorway. Muffled cries came from the other side and I pushed the door open. He lay with his back to me, his legs curled up, his arms wrapped around his middle, his side heaving with the short breaths he took. The cries were broken up by gasps as he tried to regain control of himself.

Tears flowed down my face as I stared at my broken friend.

I had the one thing that could fix him.

Even though he didn't acknowledge me, I was sure he knew I was there. Taking my lip between my teeth, I took a deep breath.

"He's in Texas," I whispered.

"**~~**"

We had grown up together, almost from the time since we took our first steps, we had been friends. Our fathers had been stationed together, our mothers became friends and our homes were separated only by few houses in between.

My first solid memory of our friendship was in second or third grade. We were at school and presenting projects on the Oregon Trail. Jasper had stood to give his presentation, his voice stuttering, his lanky body shifting back and forth as he nervously read from his crumpled paper. Jasper was always filling me in on random history facts. We would be riding our bikes to the river and he would blurt out information better than an encyclopedia, and probably more accurate. Enthralled, I sat and watched him, attempting to ignore the cruel remarks a few of our classmates were whispering. The girl next to me, Sarah, sat with wide eyes and a silly smile plastered on her face as she watched Jasper flick his head to get the curls out of his face. Jasper stumbled through his presentation and rushed back to his seat next to me as soon as the teacher gave him permission. I looked over and gave him thumbs up as he sighed in relief. When it was my turn to go, I wasn't nervous. I didn't care what other kids thought of me, I only cared what Jasper thought.

No other opinion mattered.

At recess, I spotted one of the snickering classmates walk around the side of the school alone. I followed him, and made sure he would never gave Jasper a hard time again. After, I returned to the swings where Jasper was laughing with Sarah. Irritated, I went and pulled him off the swings, and kept him with me for the rest of recess.

It wasn't until years later that I had realized why I had felt irritated at little Sarah's sad attempts at flirting with Jasper.

I wanted him for myself.

We spent almost every waking hour together, we were rarely separated. Weekends at each other's houses, baseball games, fishing and swimming in the river after borrowing Charlotte's horses. For a few months, we had even had our band, playing in Jasper's garage around his the Major's tools. Our friendship grew, we were dependant on each other and in the small community of the Base, we were able to grow up without the influence of the outside world in our own protected bubble. I showed him his first porn magazine in the treehouse, and gave him his first beer a few months later.

I had always been the devil that sat on his shoulder and whispered in his ear.

It was me that usually got us into trouble, and Jasper that usually got us out. He had a charm about him, innocent, endearing and honest. Usually it only took one of his large dimpled grins and a flash of his blue eye and his mother would forgo any punishment. The Major, however, had taken the belt to Jasper more than once because of me…and that was only the things they caught us doing.

When we were thirteen, we had eaten a pie Jasper's mother had made for an upcoming bake sale. The Major caught us with evidence on our shirts and mouths, even as we both tried to deny it. I was sent home while Jasper endured his punishment. Later that night we met in the treehouse where Jasper slid his pants down and showed me the red welts across his ass. I remember my heart racing at the sight of his pale backside lined with pink.

It was then that I realized I was a bit different.

But I didn't know if Jasper was.

One day I bought a few magazines up the treehouse and showed them to Jasper. Mixed in with the usual porn was a Muscle and Fitness. While we both frowned at the overly huge men, I heard Jasper gasp at the athletic builds and barely there bikinis. That night, we slept in the treehouse, and after climbing into our sleeping bags, I heard the distinct sound of skin on skin next to me as Jasper brought himself to climax.

As I listened to him, I reached down and touched myself, my cock growing in my hand and in reaction to the sounds Jasper was making. When I was sure he was asleep, I finished myself off to images of his sparkling eyes and bare bottom.

The following summer our friendship advanced into something more. Like every summer, we had spent almost every waking, and even most sleeping, moments together. After a pick-up baseball game one day we had ended up the river and skinny dipped to cool off. Lying on the ground, I felt his naked body next to me, so close I could feel the water slid down his arms as they pressed against mine. We were talking about Charlotte, and I felt Jasper's body twitch as I described what seeing her in her bikini did to me. How the blood rushed to my dick and how hard I got. As I described these details, I heard Jasper's breathing increase and he rolled over to hide his arousal. I stopped him, returning him to his back before I slowly leaned down and kissed him.

He didn't stop me.

When I felt his cool lips respond to mine, I felt certain it was right. His hard body under mine, his hands in my hair, his cock in my hand, it was all as it should be. Feeling his heart race in his chest, I tried to calm him, give him a chance to stop but instead he put his hand on mine and guided it over his cock. I took control from there and stroked him to climax only seconds before climbing on top of him, grinding myself against him until I came.

We never spoke of that day again that summer, but we both knew it had felt right. It was only a matter of time before we did something like that again.

Jasper and Peter.

We were inseparable.

Until the Major retired and got a job in Washington.

I'll never forget the day Jasper told me.

He had called, his voice quiet, and said he had to see me and asked me to meet him in the treehouse after dinner. I had barely been able to contain myself at dinner, my mother eyeing me as I rushed through my meal and asked to be excused. As soon as I was out of their sight, I broke into a run. When I climbed the treehouse, I found Jasper already there, sitting with his back against a wall, his knees to his chest, his forehead resting on them as he rocked back and forth.

"Jasper?"

He looked up at me, tears rolling down his cheeks.

My heart sank. Fearing he had regretted what was happening between us, I almost turned around and left, not sure I could handle the rejection from my best friend. But I stayed, crawling over to him on my hands and knees, I took him into my arms and comforted him, letting him cry on my shirt as I told him it was going to be alright. After a few minutes of sniffling, he finally lifted his head, his blue eyes dark and troubled.

"We're moving," he said without warning. Stunned, I stared at him, my nails digging into him as I absorbed what he had said.

"Where? When? Why?"

"Washington, three days, my dad got job there."

"Fuck…" was all I managed before I pulled him to me again.

The next three days were both the fucking worst and the best of my life.

I treasured every second we had together, we even managed to laugh a few times. Our parents were had felt bad so they allowed us extra time together and we took advantage of it. The night before he left, we had gone to Charlotte's and borrowed a horse. Riding double, we rode to the top of the hill and watched the sunset together. I sat behind Jasper, my chin on his shoulder as the sun gave us a brilliant display of reds and golds and set slowly for us. Jasper laid his head on my shoulder, and I kissed his neck.

It was our first real physical touch since the day at the river and I felt his body shiver under my lips. I couldn't help but moan as I wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him tightly to me. Not wanting one part of us to not be touching. The wind blew his curls, which danced and tickled my face. Craning his neck, he turned to me, his lips already parted and fucking wanting. Accepting his invitation, I kissed him, softly but urgently, my tongue entering his mouth to twist with his. We both knew there would be no chance to kiss goodbye the next day, we would be surrounded by family.

But there, on the hill watching the sunset, we shared our goodbye kiss, full of promises of never to forget.

Breaking the kiss, he smiled and put his head back on my shoulder. I sighed and nuzzled his neck as the sun made its final decent over the horizon.

"That was pretty," he mumbled.

"You're pretty," I blurted out, a heat rushing over my cheeks. His body vibrated with his chuckle. "I can't fucking believe I just said that," I admitted embarrassedly. Turning his head to me, he captured my lips again, more forcefully that time, his hand coming up to cup my cheek while his other entwined with my fingers on his stomach. Panting, I pulled away and rested my forehead to his.

"You're pretty too," he smiled. Suddenly, compared to his smile, the fucking sunset had lost all its beauty.

"Hey, Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"Texas forever," I smiled and wiped the tear from his cheek.

"Texas forever," he repeated, his breath warm on my face.

As it darkened, we rode the horse back to his field and slid off before walking the rest of the way home through the trail we used so often. We held hands until we reached the view of the houses. We spent the rest of the night in the treehouse, holding hands, sharing a few kisses and pretending it wasn't our last night together. I had given him a keychain, a pewter Long Star. As he touched it with his fingers, he smiled up at me.

"Come 'ere," he said as he wrapped a hand behind my neck and pulled me into a soft, grateful kiss. When he pulled away, he looked sad. "I don't have anything to give you."

"You gave me you."

When the sun rose, we were still awake, having stayed awake all night, we hadn't wanted to waste one second of our last night. His mother called us in and we ate breakfast silently. It seemed only minutes later the Major was calling Jasper out to the car to leave. Out in the early midday heat, I gave him a quick, manly hug.

"Don't forget me," I whispered in his ear.

"Never," was his simple answer before he pulled away, his keychain clenched tightly in his hand, and turned to get into the car. I sat on my bike as they pulled away. Through the back window he watched me, and I waved frantically, mouthing Texas forever until I couldn't see him anymore. I brushed my unruly curls from my face, wiping the tears away in the process.

I was fourteen and not supposed to fucking cry.

But I did.

Five years later he showed up on my doorstep with a girl. He hadn't changed.

Well, he had changed, a fucking lot. He had gone from pretty to fucking gorgeous, even with a black-eye and swollen lip. He still had his wheat curls, dimples, and the bluest eyes I had ever fucking seen. He had also grown to over six feet and filled out. Gone was the lanky boy of my childhood, before me stood a sexy man.

The heat that radiated from him was enough to fucking cook an egg on.

He felt it too. We joked and laughed but we both felt the sparks reigniting. It seemed neither of us could wait until the girls were gone the next day. We pretended to hang out on my deck, but I felt his eyes on me the entire, teasing him with comments and a tight tee shirt. When he suggested we go somewhere, I jumped at the chance, offering the river. His eyes widen at the memory and he couldn't get out of his seat fast enough. At the river, he blushed as we stripped. As we swam it was like he had never left, we talked about everything and reminisced about our childhood. I told him about my work, he told me about his school…and Edward.

I suspected when he mentioned his name Edward was more than a friend. I saw his eyes light up and his cheeks flush. There was an unexplainable lightness about him when he spoke about Edward.

I really fucking wanted to hate the guy for replacing me, but I couldn't; not when I saw how Jasper felt about him. But as I kissed him in the river, and then led him to the shore, Edward was the last thing on my mind.

And Jasper's too.

He said little, but his body spoke to me, and it wanted me. We touched, explored, came in each other's embrace. It wasn't until after when I went to kiss him, and I saw the guilt, that I knew Edward was more than a friend.

He loved him.

We had never said those words to each other when we were kids. Fuck, I hadn't even thought them. I knew we were close, we shared something special, but love…I had no fucking clue what love was.

Until he had left.

Then when my chest ached and I felt sick, I realized he had been my first love.

Even though he had told me that he loved Edward, I was an asshole and pushed him anyway. I knew he would do it, I knew I he would touch me, want me as much as I did him. Part of me wanted to remind him of what we could be, of what we had been. The other part was just fucking selfish and needed him to want me.

After he returned from his trip east, we celebrated his birthday with a bar-b-que at the ranch and then I took him out to a local gay bar. My first time there, I had met Riley. I had been nervous and standing at the end of the bar, he had come up, took my hand and regardless of my protesting, fucking dragged me out to the dance floor. We danced all night, closing the place down. I went back to his place, we fucked and slept and fucked some more. The next morning we fucked some more, he asked me out and we dated for about six months. In the end, we both needed some time apart. We both felt suffocated and walked away. Even though it had been about six months since we had broken up, neither of us had dated anyone else.

I shouldn't have been surprised at seeing Riley at the club, he was a regular there. What did surprise me was the tension I felt coming from Jasper when I introduced them. His jaw was clenched, his eyes narrowed.

I just stared at him with a shit eating grin.

Jasper was jealous.

And he was sexy as fuck.

We danced, we held each other, we said our own goodbye again.

The fucking assholes that stopped us on the way to the truck were everything wrong and evil in the world. I had been out of the closet for awhile, my family knew about me, my friends and colleagues, but Jasper wasn't out. He was naïve and scared and innocent.

Those asses took that from him. They stole his belief that people were good and kind. I would have done anything to have kept him from experiencing that. Jasper was tough, he could hold his own, but we were outnumbered. When they touched him, I wanted to kick their asses. I didn't care what they did to me, but to Jasper….

Fear never entered my mind. Anger, frustration, rage all did. But I saw fear in Jasper's eyes, along with confusion and despair. I wanted to tell him I was okay, not to worry but as my pants were yanked down, I was hit and my body dragged into the alley, I began to doubt my assumption of feeling we would be alright.

Just as I walked the line of conciseness, Jasper was holding me and then I saw Riley. The rest of the night was a blur, but I clearly remember, and will never forget, Jasper holding me in my bed that night.

Or us the next morning when Jasper told me he wanted me and we touched and felt each other one very last time. He left only hours later, yelling Texas forever out his window as I waved and returned it back to him. I had spent the rest of the day sleeping, my heart already missing his soul, my body already missing his touch. Charlotte left the next day with her parents and Riley stopped by every day to check on me, even staying for dinner and a movie one night. He had been curious about Jasper, about our history and his visit. I was honest with him, told him what had happened, both as kids and during his stay.

We were just discussing what it all meant when there was a knock at my door.

Fucking devastated. That was the only way to describe his condition. He looked like shit, his skin was fucking pale, his eyes were red and swollen, and his hair was greasy. I was fucking beyond shocked to see him, I mean, so soon anyway. Riley quickly left and so soon as the door closed, Jasper collapsed. I had never seen anyone to fucking broken and utterly ruined.

And I had no fucking idea why.

Panicked, I made sure he was physically okay and then got him into bed, thinking sleep would solve his problem.

I was wrong.

For days, he slept and I held him. I had gotten up a few times to go the bathroom and call Riley, but at that time, Jasper was my priority, nothing else mattered.

I saw him sinking deeper and deeper into a void, and I couldn't fucking prevent it. Nothing I did or said helped, and I had never felt more useless. Offering comfort, I held him, I whispered to him, I stayed with him. When he told me he had left, that he hadn't returned to Edward, the agony made sense, but I he hadn't told me why he had left.

Part of me hoped he had left to come back to me, but I knew it wasn't true. It was obvious by his grief he had left against his will.

I just tried to be there for him. To be what he needed.

Nothing more, nothing less.

And as his heart broke more each day, mine broke for him. Seeing my best friend so worn and tired and empty was almost too much to bear.

I didn't dare let him out of my sight, even when he went out to his truck, I had followed him. When I saw him slide his guitar out and play a few notes, I vaguely recognized the song as the one from the night we had been attacked.

Then he lifted his head to the sky and whispered, "Edward."

The ache in my chest grew, for him, for them… for me, as I realized how much he loved Edward. I tried to be everything he needed but no matter how hard I tried, how much effort I made, I would never be _him._

As he lifted the guitar above his head, I ran up behind him, wrapping my arms around him, refusing to let him destroy something that he loved so much. Sinking to the ground, I went with him, never letting go of my hold of him.

I was never going to let him go.

Finally, he released the guitar and went inside while I put it away, wondering if Edward knew how lucky he was, how much he was missed.

Finally, one night, I demanded he come eat and surprisingly, he listened. He ate pizza, we watched a movie and I held him. When he rolled over, his body seeking mine, I gave him the physical comfort he needed, the chance to escape his reality with a release. If only for a few minutes, I would grant him that one thing.

I felt fucking useless otherwise, so if I could offer him a few minutes of bliss, I would do it.

Our touches were urgent, needy and demanding. With his weight on top of me, he pressed his hips into mine, kissing me, hands fisting the arm of the sofa by my head as he strained and moaned. When I felt his head at my entrance, I knew with another inch, he would have been in me.

I would have given it to him.

Instead, he rubbed his cock along mine, grinding his hips, as we kissed and panted. When I came, my cock pulsed between us, fucking exploding just before he did the same. I was still enjoying the haze when Jasper was running for the bathroom.

I followed, wiping myself up along the way.

To fucking see him throwing up… just fucking broke me all over again.

That night, I pressed my body against him, my arm around his waist, as he cried himself to sleep…again.

That was the first night I cried with him.

We had been intimate, and he had gotten sick. I had thought I was doing the right thing by giving the physical distraction he needed, but I couldn't have been more fucking wrong if I had tried.

I had failed him. Instead of being what he needed, I had been greedy and selfish. As he lay there in guilt, mourning Edward, I lay there in guilt, mourning him.

The next day I had found the letter from the University of Texas, and I had gotten fucking pissed. A full scholarship given up for his friends, friends that if they loved him so much, could have gone to Texas with him. I had yelled, in complete disbelief of his ignorance at what he had sacrificed for them…for him.

After I had gone into my room to be alone, I had heard the front door closed and knew he was gone. For a second, I considered going after him but I knew he needed time alone, he needed to think about what he wanted and where he wanted to be.

In my heart, I knew he wanted to be in Washington.

Lying on my bed, I just fucking stared at the ceiling and thought.

He had given up the scholarship, he had gotten sick with guilt after we had fooled around, he cried himself to sleep every night, and he had almost trashed his guitar.

Each of those acts all told, hell, fucking screamed, the same thing. He was madly and deeply in love with Edward and being away from him was tearing him apart and soon there would be nothing left but an empty soul. Sighing, I rolled over and grabbed my cell phone for the first time since he had arrived. Other than to call into work to take the week off, I had ignored everything since he had knocked on my door. The twelve messages blinked at me and I fucking panicked, not breathing until she answered.

And then proceeded to bitch me out for not returning her call sooner. I told her Jasper was there, and how being there for him had been my first concern.

After we got off the phone, I rolled over and let my emotions out.

I had lost him.

Though, I knew he hadn't been mine to begin with, at least not since he had left for Washington all those years ago. So many times I had wondered what it would have been like if he hadn't moved, where he and I would be. My mind drifted to the morning after we had been on the couch. We woke up in our usual position. His back to me, my arms and legs wrapped around him.

"Are you upset at what we did?" I asked quietly in the still, dark room.

In broken gasps, he spoke. "I took advantage of you. I needed it, to come, to…forget."

"And you think I fucking didn't? I'm a fucking big boy, Jasper. I know what I'm doing. You may have grown up, but I could have certainly stopped you."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I didn't want to. I wanted to feel it, coming with you again, your body against me, excited."

Sighing, he opened my eyes and turned around to face me. He was handsome and vulnerable, the edges of his eyes shiny with concern. "I don't deserve you," he said painfully.

"No, you don't," I chuckled softly, "but you're stuck with me."

"Thank you," he said as he placed my head in the crook of my neck. In that position he had fallen back to sleep, taking comfort in my presence for once.

Just as I had finally drifted off to sleep while thinking about it, my phone rang and woke me up.

"Yeah?" I answered.

"Nelson? It's Roger from the PD.I think we've got a friend of yours here."

"Who?" I asked sitting up and swinging my legs over the side of the bed.

"A guy named Whitluke."

"Whitlock. Fuck," I mumbled. "What's he there for?" I ran my hand through my hair tossing on my jeans and shoes. I went the kitchen and opened the fridge.

All the beer was gone.

"Drunk and disorderly. Started mouthing off in a bar, he was drunk when he entered, the bartender refused to serve him. Whitluke got agitated, started arguing, tried to start a fight with one of the customers. Gerry from the bar called us, we came and got him. He kept saying he wanted his one phone call even though we hadn't arrested him. When we asked where he was staying, he gave us your address. Said you guys were friends."

_Friends._

_Almost lovers._

"Yeah, you could say that."

I was in my truck and driving down the road while he continued on. "So we tossed him in the drunk tank to sleep it off. He didn't to any harm or damage, no one is pressing any charges so we were just letting him sleep it off but thought you might want to come get him," he finally finished.

"I'm on my way, be there in less than ten minutes."

Mumbling about his stupid ass the entire way there, I pulled up in front of the police department and entered, saying hi to everyone along the way. Working in the court, I knew a lot of the guys there. I had even slept with one of them. Walking out back, I signed in and Roger met me in the hall and took me to the cell where Jasper was. I found him lying on the cot, flat on his back, singing our high school anthem. He sat up when he heard my voice, using the wall to pull himself upright.

"Let's get you the fuck out of here, Jasper," I sighed as Roger opened the door and I walked in. As I neared him, I could smell the alcohol on his breath and clothes.

"Hey, Peter Cotton Tail," he slurred his childhood nickname for me. Pulling him off the cot, I had him lean against me, and I put one arm around his waist and one of his around my shoulder. Holding that hand, I led him through the station and out to the truck. He swayed and stumbled a few times but he stayed upright. Every now and then he would fucking bury his nose in my ear or lick my neck, but I would pull away.

"Whass the mattah?" he asked me.

Ignoring him, I opened his door, I pushed him inside the truck and put on his seatbelt, trying really fucking hard to ignore his hips when he thrust them up into me when I leaned over him. The ride home was quiet; I had his window down hoping the fresh air might sober him up a bit. Once home, I got him into the house, stripped his clothes and got him into bed. Seconds later he was asleep, leaving me to think about what the fuck I was going to do.

I wanted to be his friend, I wanted to support him, be there for him, but he couldn't do shit like that. It had been a week, it wasn't fair to any of us that we didn't know what he was going to do.

Stay.

Go.

He had some decisions to make and he needed to know it. It was time to tell him.

The next morning I woke up and found him watching me, feeling a little satisfied that he was hungover. He hadn't remembered much from the night before other than our argument. I climbed out of bed to get ready to go back to work that day, and told him he needed to decide what he was going to do. I was his friend, and I would support him no matter what, but I wouldn't let him waste his life away any longer. I left for work about an hour later, checking on him one more time before I walked out the door. He was sleeping soundly on his stomach, the sheet barely coving his ass. For once, lying there in the morning sun, he actually looked peaceful.

The fucking day dragged. I called home a few times to check on him. Finally, quitting time fucking came and I couldn't get home fast enough. I had missed and worried about the bastard all day. When I walked into the house, I found him in the kitchen, staring at the toaster, some sandwich items laid out untouched before him. He looked like he had begun to make a sandwich and had gotten distracted.

"Jasper?" I asked so I didn't surprise him when I walked up behind him.

Spinning, he faced me and I saw a new look on his face. One of resignation, an eerie calmness that both scared and relieved me.

He had made his decision.

My heart clenched as I walked up to him and took his hand and pulled him to the table.

"Sit. I'll make dinner."

He didn't respond, but he did as I told him. Gathering what I needed, I went out the grill and cooked us cheeseburgers. Silently, he followed me, watching every move I made but never saying a word.

He was starting to freak me the fuck out.

Internally, I berated myself for having left him alone all day. I had thought the time alone would give him the space to think without my influence but perhaps it had been too soon. Maybe I had pushed him too fast to do something he clearly wasn't ready to confront. When the burgers were done, I put his in front him and I sat down across from him with my own. The sun was just lowering in the horizon, the hot dry air from the day cooling a bit. Without a word, he picked up his burger and took a bite.

It was a simple act, but my heart leaped a bit.

A few bites later, he pushed his plate away and looked at me.

"I decided," he announced.

Racing in my chest, my heart felt like it was going to fucking burst right through my flesh and bone. Not betraying it, I calmly nodded and put my burger down.

"And?"

"I called U of T today and accepted the scholarship. It wasn't easy, I had to jump through some hoops and they need some paperwork from U of W, but I am going down day after tomorrow to register for classes for September."

Exhaling heavily, I looked down at my half eaten meal. He had said exactly what I had wanted to hear…so why didn't I feel relieved?

"Are you sure, Jasper?"

The night may have been setting and the light on the deck poor, but I could still see the tears as they gathered in the corner of his eyes.

"It's what I need to do."

Need. Not want.

"Can I stay here until the semester starts?" he asked quietly.

"You know you can."

"Thanks," he mumbled before getting up and bringing his dish into the kitchen. We spent the rest of the night watching television until I said I had to get to bed. I headed into the bedroom, Jasper at my heels. We undressed and climbed into bed, taking our positions. While I held his warm body to mine, his breathing steadied as he entered sleep, I suddenly realized how much I was going to fucking miss having him in my arms like that every night. Closing my eyes, I pulled him tighter and let my breaths join his, even and deep and sleepy.

"FUCKING LEAVE HIM ALONE YOU FUCKERS!" he screamed, his body thrashing next to me. One arm was around his middle, the other when to his hair, brushing it off his face.

"Jasper, wake up. Wake up, it's okay. It's okay." I repeated over and over until his brilliant blue eyes opened. Panting, he took long breaths as he attempted to calm himself. "Jasper, what the fuck is going on? Tell me…please tell me."

Looking away, he sighed and pressed closer to me. He had one arm under his head, the other around me, his fingers began stroking my back.

"There's this nightmare I keep having…" he stopped.

"About?"

When the first tear fell, I reached up and wiped it off his cheek with the rough pad of my thumb.

"The night we were attacked. At first, it was you and me, and there were…doing things to you." he gasped.

"Things…like rape?" I guessed, and he nodded. "Jasper, they were just fucking with us, they wouldn't have done that."

"You don't know that, he wanted you to give him a blow job, why stop there? If Riley hadn't come…"

"But he did, and we're fine. I'm fine. Tell me more."

Exhaling heavily, he closed my eyes and told me. "They were raping you and you changed to Edward, so they were… raping…him…and…" he sobbed and sniffled, "gang raped, they were positive. Edward begged me to help him and I couldn't." He broke down, burying his face in his hands as he rolled away from me. Soothingly, I rubbed his back and when he was calmer, I continued. "At the end of every nightmare, he dies. Sometimes a long slow death from AIDS, sometimes they kill him then…but he always….dies. And I can't stop it, I just watch…useless, hopeless."

Feelings I knew well.

Kissing his shoulder, I left my lips linger there before mumbling against his skin. "That won't happen, Jasper. It was just a nightmare."

"It's a reality for us, Peter. Every day we leave the house hand in hand with our lover, we risk our lives. We can't get married, we face discrimination daily and we risk our health and our lives. I refuse to be the reason Edward gets hurt."

I snorted. "Do you really think he's not fucking hurting right now because of you? You left him, Jasper. No goodbye, no reason, nothing, just fucking up and left. How is that not going to hurt him?"

"It's different."

"How?"

"He'll get over it. He will move on and live a normal life. His physical safety isn't at risk," he tried to defend his actions.

"Physical safety isn't everything, Jasper," I replied. "You know as well as I do, the bruises from a broken heart take a lot longer to heal and anything you can get from a beating."

Long moments passed in silence and we just stared at each other, letting the words, and the meaning behind them, hang heavy between us. Finally, he sighed and closed his eyes, not seeking sleep but rather the relief my embrace offered him. I kissed his eyelids before he snuggled closer. It wasn't long before I heard his deep, relaxing breaths.

I then knew why he hadn't gone back to Edward. The fucking assholes the night at the bar had destroyed his faith in humanity, they had taken that innocence and replaced it with a fear so great he felt he couldn't live his life- thinking that every time he left his house with his boyfriend, their lives were at risk. I recalled the story he had told me about a boy that Edward had treated in the hospital. That night we had spoken of discrimination, how it was everywhere, and how you couldn't let it run your life, make your decisions for you and yet, he had done just that.

He was staying in Texas to keep Edward safe.

Just before dawn, wrapped in my arms, he opened his eyes and found me staring at him. I hadn't slept all night. I had watched him rest, and thought about what he had said.

About what I knew I needed to do.

Before he could move, I began.

"Jasper, you know I would do anything for you. Right? Including kicking your ass," I paused, taking a deep, reassuring breath. It pained me to say the next words. "Go home."

"I am home," he replied quietly.

"Jasper, you've known for a long time, this isn't your home anymore. As much as I want it to be, and fuck, I want it to be, it's not. You belong with him, he is your home now."

Viciously he shook his head as he clenched his eyes shut. "I can't."

"You love him. You need him." I had never spoken truer words.

"I can't risk hurting him, having him hurt," he said, not denying my statement.

"I can't believe you don't think this isn't fucking hurting him? Maybe not physically, but I bet he is pretty fucking devastated. I know I was…"

He head shot up at my honesty. "But…"

"But shit, I knew I loved you then. I know I love you now. That'll never change, Jasper. But it's not our time anymore. It's yours and his."

My heart ached and swelled at the same time. The conflict of doing the right thing even though it felt so very wrong waged inside my chest, stealing my breath along with my heart.

He sighed and rested his forehead on my shoulder. "He won't take me back after what I did."

Taking his face in my hands, I pulled him away from me and looked into his beautiful eyes so tired and full of anguish.

"Want a fucking bet?" I gave him a weak smile. "Jasper, trust me, you don't fuck with that kind of love. That all encompassing fairytale-can't live without you-love. It only comes around once in a lifetime. Don't fuck it up. "

"I don't know…" he mumbled before he fell back asleep while I kept reminding myself I had done the right thing.

The knock on my door scared the shit out of me. It was still dark out, dawn just readying to break. Removing myself from his hold, I climbed out and pulled on pair of pajama pants before closing the bedroom door behind me. The knocking wouldn't stop, it was insistent and loud. Praying it wasn't Roger with some bad news about Charlotte, I took a deep breath before opening the door.

Standing before me were green eyes that held the same anguish as the blue ones I knew so well. They could only belong to one person.

"Edward, I presume?"

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~

He's back ;)

So… I know a lot of you don't like Bella near your slash, but I felt it was important to see Edward (and Jasper) through her eyes, and honestly, I LOVED writing them through her. And they thought they were being all stealthy. While I wanted to show Edward though Bella, with Peter, I wanted to show what he was thinking and feeling while taking care of a devastated Jasper.

And damn I confused myself with this chapter. Three different povs, but one was two different versions, so technically four povs, two of then slashy and one female, and one straight male- keeping them all straight and making sure you remember to include everything! It was not easy.

We've got one more chapter and then the epilogue (and then outtakes) I know I've been leaving you all hanging with some cliffies lately, and I hate to do it again, but I _really _want to get the next few chapters right, and not forget anything (and I need to write M&A this week) so they will probably take longer than a week to post, and they will probably go up separately.


	17. Texas Forever

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N- Over 400 reviews for outtakes. You guys blow my mind, thank you all so much. This chapter is seriously dialogue heavy and *bites nails* I'm a nervous wreck over it.

My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise, are my own.

As always, many thanks and lots of hugs to Dannie, this wouldn't be here without her.

"****~~**"**

Texas Forever

Location: Abilene (Hope)

"****~~**"**

"I was wrong. It's hard to say  
At least I learned from my mistakes  
I would change everything

And I will fight for a way  
To make up for the mess that I've been leaving  
A second chance is all that I'm needing and  
Anything. I can do. Just to make it up to you  
I would do anything  
I'm dying to live again

I was such a fool to hurt you  
'cause you're the one I always turn to  
When I'm going out of my mind_."_ –Hadley

"**~~**"

"Who's here?" I asked without rolling over when I heard him enter the bedroom. I had felt Peter get out of bed and then had heard the loud knocking on his front door. When he didn't reply, I rolled over.

Two weeks, three days, twelve hours and sixteen minutes since I had left the driveway.

And he had come for me.

His hair was dirty hair, his looked thin and pale. Dark shadows highlighted his redden, puffy eyes, which held a lost, haunted look I had seen lately in my own reflection, the one of grief and sadness.

He looked like shit.

But he had never looked more beautiful.

"Edward?" I had had little sleep for the past few weeks, my eyes were so swollen they were almost closed, my heart raced with the disappointment of him being a cruel illusion.

Softly closing the door behind him, he walked to the bed and without a word he lay down facing me. Reaching out, he put the palm of his hand on my cheek and wiped away the single tear that fell.

For the first time in a long time, I felt hope.

He was there.

"Jasper," he whispered before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine.

It had been too fucking long.

Nothing had ever felt more perfect in my life.

Our chapped lips met over and over again as he wrapped one arm around my waist and pulled me to him, doing all he could to convince me he was real. As his lips brushed over mine, my hand went into his hair, fisting it as I began to cry into the kiss.

The pain in my chest increased to an almost intolerable amount. Only then, it was from the swelling of my heart in the constricted area of my body. It felt like it was going to burst just from sheer relief. The cracks and gashes were healing during every second that passed, every second we were touching, every second he was near me. It had only been a little over four weeks since I had felt the safety and warmth of his body near mine and yet it had seemed like four lifetimes.

Finally my cold, dead heart had begun to beat again.

Gasping, I pulled away and took his face in my hands and just…stared.

"Why are you here?" I asked disbelievingly.

"Because I can't live without you. You promised, Jasper, you promised you come back," he said in a quiet broken voice as his eyes closed, the edges shimmering with unshed tears. "I waited for you to walk in the door, to hug you, kiss you. I waited to start our lives together. And you just… left."

I had no words. I had known he was going to upset when I hadn't returned, but had thought he would get over me and move on with Bella, like I thought he was meant to.

But him being there with me proved me so fucking wrong.

The deep anguish mixed with relief in his eyes showed me it had never been Bella for him.

It had always been me.

Just as I had always loved him.

Nothing I said, or did, would or could ever make up the pain I had caused him, caused us. Resting my forehead to his, I stroked his cheek with my thumb.

Finally, I answered the only way I knew how. "I'm so fucking sorry, baby."

"Why? Why did you go?" he whispered, his lips almost touching mine. Deeply inhaling his sweet breath into my lungs, I gathered confidence to say the most important words in my entire life. The ones he had told me to tell him person when we were together again.

The ones that would forever make him a part of my heart.

Gazing into his eyes, I whispered, "Because I love you, Edward."

The tears steadily rolled down his cheeks and he gave me a small, embarrassed smile. I didn't need to hear them back, his being there told me all I needed to know. Even if he didn't forgive me, even if he left that room and never spoke to me again, he would leave knowing I loved him.

Then my life became more complete than I ever thought possible

Pulling away, he smiled and kissed my forehead. "I love you too, Jasper."

No trip to Texas, no college degree, no 'normal' life could ever satisfy me more than hearing those words pass his lips. My heart raced and skipped and healed as I pulled him to me and buried my face in his neck, my hands fisting his tee shirt. I couldn't get him close enough.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," I repeated into his chest, each time enjoying saying the words more than the previous. I felt one of his arms around my neck, the other around my waist.

"Closer," he said urgently. Reaching down, he pulled the sheet from my body and with no barrier between us pulled me tighter to him, putting his leg over mine. With a hand on the small of my back, his thumbs doing circles there, he pressed his lips to mine.

In each other's embrace, we lay, occasionally kissing, occasionally letting a few tears fall, occasionally just staring.

"Jasper," he finally spoke, "if you love me, why did you leave?"

It had taken me a week to tell Peter what had happened, what I witnessed night after night in my head, the images of Edward being raped and then holding his body as his life faded from his brilliant eyes. How do I tell him I was scared to see him hurt? That I was too weak to handle the discrimination that went hand in hand with our lives, that I was too fearful for his safety.

"Edward, I," I began questioningly.

"I think I deserve to know," he stated simply. He was right of course. Biting my lip, I sat up and leaned against the headboard of the bed with my legs stretched out in front of me. Edward stayed on his side, but propped himself up on his elbow as he waited for me to begin.

"Remember Jaxen? The boy from your emergency room?"

He nodded, "The gay bashing," he sighed, "I'll never forget him."

"That story really hit me. I don't know if it was because it was the club we had gone to, or because you said he reminded you of me, or a combination of the both, but that night I had a hard time sleeping, all I could see was that poor boy bleeding alone in an alley."

"I didn't sleep that night either. I shouldn't have called you, told you. If I had known it would upset you so muc-"

"No, I'm glad you did. I'm just sorry I wasn't there for you. I was here, being fucking selfish when you needed me."

"Jasper," he chided. "You weren't selfish, I told you to come. I _wanted _to you come. Even if you had been home, there wasn't anything you could have done."

"I could have just been there, held your hand, given you a hug, I don't know, just fucking something. But I was two thousand miles away. "

The sigh he released I knew well. It was one of frustration and acceptance.

"The next day was my birthday and-"

"Oh, fuck, oh my God. I totally forgot to wish you a happy birthday that night." He dropped his chin to his chest in disgust.

I put my fingers under his chin and forced his head up. "You had a bit more on your mind than my birthday." I raised an eyebrow and he nodded. "The night of my birthday, Peter wanted to go out dancing after a bar-b-que we had had at Charlotte's parent's house. He took me to some club he'd been to before. It was nice, a lot like Club Café, but when we left, we got…" I hesitated, really fucking not wanting to tell him what had happened. "Approached," I treaded lightly," by six men. They weren't exactly gay-friendly and…"

"Jasper, just tell me. Everything."

"Everything?"

"Yes."

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and saw the men in front of us holding Peter, yanking down his pants, hitting him. All I while I just stood there completely fucking helpless. Just as I started to tremble, my body recalling the fear that had freely flowed through me that night, I felt Edward's hand in mine, entwining our fingers, giving me the strength, his strength, to continue.

In a small whisper, I began, "It was dark, the bar had closed and we were walking back to my truck. We were parked a few blocks away. These three guys followed us for a bit and then three more come out from an alley and cut us off. They started harassing us, calling us faggots, queers. One guy, he was like their leader, said he wanted Peter to suck his dick."

Edward chuckled, "And they said you guys were queers?"

"That's exactly what Peter said, which pissed them off even more, so they grabbed us. Two grabbed Peter, two grabbed me. After telling us we should be shot for being gay, he grabbed Peter's shirt and ripped it in half. When Peter told him to let him go, the guy punched him. Over and over."

"Jesus, Jasper," he gripped my hand and brought it up his lips to kiss. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"After he hit Peter a few times, he went on about being a fag and how did it feel to have a dick up the ass. Peter got mouthy and then the guy… he undid Peter's pants and pulled them down. Underwear too."

"What the fuck!"

"He said he was going to fuck Peter's mouth then cut Peter's dick off and feed it to him. They dragged us into the alley and pushed Peter against a wall, forcing him to his knees. The leader undid his own pants and began touching himself. The guy went to put his dick into Peter's mouth, but Peter clamped his jaw shut. When the guy couldn't get it opened, he came over to me. Said I was going to have to do it instead. "

"Fucking asshole," Edward sneered, his lip curling back over his teeth menacingly.

"The guy came over to me, pulled up my shirt and when Peter yelled at him, one of the other guys hit Peter so hard it almost knocked him out." I took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, tightening my hold on Edward's hand. "He undid the button to my jeans and just as he put his hand inside my pants, Riley came."

"Who's Riley?"

"Peter's ex-boyfriend. He had been at the club. He had stayed to help one of his friends clean up and was walking by the alley when he heard us down there. The guys heard him and ran off. Riley ran down and we helped Peter. He didn't want to deal with a hospital or police of course, so I brought him home."

"I'm sorry you went through that, Jasper. I'm sorry I wasn't here."

My eyes opened. "NO! That's the problem, don't you see?"

Confused, he shook his head.

"What if you had been there Edward, it could have been_ you _being beaten, or worse. If it had been you… I don't know what I would have done. I mean, the worst part wasn't the beating, it was standing there, watching them do that shit to Peter and not be able to help him." I began to cry a fresh round of tears. "I was useless, completely useless while Peter had the shit beat out of him. If that had been you?" He sat up and put his arms around my neck, pulling me into a hug. Inhaling his scent while I rested my head on his shoulder, I continued with more. "I wouldn't have been able to handle it, Edward."

"Jasper, you would have been fine, we would have been fine," he said trying to sooth me, his hand rubbing my back. I pulled away and sat up.

"I don't think so, because since that night, every time I fucking close my eyes, I have a nightmare. Sometimes it changes, but the end result is always the same."

"Tell me," he encouraged, pushing my hair off my face. Closing my eyes, I leaned into the gentle touch I had missed so fucking much. I took a few deep breaths, letting his soothing nature flow over me, caressing my bruised soul before I said the most awful part.

"It usually starts off with Peter bent over a table, they are raping him. Over and over again but then at some point, it's not Peter anymore. It's…" I stopped and shook my head, not wanting to tell him anymore.

"Jasper?"

"It's you. It's you being gang raped over a table while I watch. There are no condoms and the guy says he's got AIDS right before he comes in you. You beg me to help you, and I can't do a fucking thing. You're hurt and bleeding. One time I was being raped you were next to me and I watched you die. Sometimes, they ended up killing you, other times I watched you die from AIDS. In the end, you always leave me no matter how much I begged you to stay. It's my fault you always die because I can't save you." I finished in barely a whisper.

"Jasper," he sighed and held me tight. "I'm not going to die. Nothing like that is going to happen to me."

"But you don't know that, Edward. You can't guarantee that something like that won't happen to us. What if we go out and get attacked outside that club like Jaxen did? "

Edward smiled. "Because I won't let it."

"You're not Superman, Edward. You can't prevent something like that," I chided him.

His smile faded and he turned honest. "You're right, I can't, but that doesn't mean I want to live in fear of it happening. I refuse to let fear run my life. What kind of life would that be if we were afraid to go out, to be us, in public? It's a risk I am willing to take in order to be with you."

"But if you were with someone else, it wouldn't be a risk," I sighed, avoiding his eyes.

"Someone else?" He looked confused and considered my words for a minute. "Bella," he began, "you thought Bella and I…"

"Could have normal life." Finally, I looked up, "If you were with her, there would be no danger. You could get married, which we can't do, you could have children, which we can't do, and you could walk down the street with no fear, which we can't do. You cou-"

He took my face in his hands and kissed me to stop my rant. Softly, his lips grazed over my own, gently but convincingly.

"You stupid fucking fool. Jasper, I don't want that kind of normal. What made you think I did?"

"But-"

"No fucking buts, Jasper. Sure that might be normal to some, but it's not to me, it's not what I want. "

"What do you want?" I whispered.

"You, Jasper. I fucking want you. More than anything ever in my life, I want you. I choose you over everything. Being a doctor, my family…everything. I choose you over fear. But you need to choose me too, Jasper. You need to choose me no matter what. Yes, we are going to face some difficulties, but I'm willing to face them for you. Are you willing to do it for me? What do you choose?"

I pulled him into a hug, tighter than I had ever held him before. I had no idea, no idea he would sacrifice everything, every_one _for me. And what had I done? Walked out on him, on us, not even giving us the chance to explore, to nurture, what we had beyond anything outside the walls of our house. I had been too fucking afraid and for so long he had patiently waited for me. There were so many questions circling and twisting in my head. What would Dr. and Mrs. C say, what about Alice, we had dated, would she think back to our relationship and dissect it for signs of my sexuality? My parents, his parents, our friends…Bella.

I had been so overwhelmed with Edward being there, I hadn't asked about Bella, or how he found me.

"Bella?"

"She knows," he chuckled. "She's known for a long time. She told me she caught us one time at one of my parent's parties. We were kissing in the hall by the kitchen. "

"Shit," I buried my face in my hands.

"Yeah, I think she knows about us spending the night together in my room that night too. She didn't say so but I suspect she does."

"I thought we were hiding it and all along, she knew?"

"She knew," he confirmed.

"And she's okay with it?"

"Of course. Her love for us hasn't changed."

Reaching up I brushed a few pieces of hair from his forehead. "But you slept with her."

"And wished it was you the entire time." My cheeks flushed pink at his admission.

"But how did you…"

"You slept with Alice."

"Point taken."

"Is Bella here with you?"

"No, she stayed home. She said she'd come down if I needed her."

"How did you find me?"

"I don't really know. I mean, she told me you were here, but I never asked how she knew, I just grabbed a bag and left literally within ten minutes of her telling me. I caught the first flight I could. I needed to get here."

We let a silence envelope us, our lips occasionally meeting as we held each other, our hands never leaving the other's body. Grabbing his hair, I pulled him to me and kissed him. The soft, brief kisses from earlier were replaced by parting lips and reuniting tongues. He tasted as I had remembered, sweet and spicy mixed with mint, his tongue as velvety soft and warm, his lips as full.

Peter had been right.

Washington wasn't my home. Texas wasn't my home.

Edward was my home.

_Peter._

Suddenly, I broke the kiss and pulled away, putting some space between us. My heart already began to break with the thought of Peter outside the door as Edward and I reunited in his bed.

The bed that I had shared with Peter for the past week. The bed where he had held me, comforted me, kissed me.

"Where's Peter?"

"I don't know, he said he would give us some privacy and grabbed his keys. I think I heard a truck starting when I came down the hall. I didn't talk to him much, but he seemed nice…quiet."

If I was going to be with Edward, he deserved to know, even though it was going to hurt, he needed to know so he could have the choice to walk away. I was about to tell him something that was probably going to destroy us.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. "Edward, I have to tell you something," I began with an unsteady and weak voice.

"About Peter?" he asked, already knowing.

"We…we've…been together…here without you, I just wanted to forget…the pain, the ache, the failure that I was. All of it. I had been with Peter once the summer before I moved. It was easy to fall back into that. I shouldn't have done it, but," I stopped, knowing the next part might hurt. It might be the end of whatever Edward and I might be. "I'm not ashamed of it-"

He moved back, allowing some space between our bodies.

"Did you have sex with him?"

My hesitation broke his heart and I saw his chest begin to heave as I let the question hang between us, unsure how to answer it.

"We didn't have intercourse," I answered quietly.

He was off the bed in an instant, his hand running through his hair as he paced back and forth in front the bed. Suddenly he stopped and looked around the room for the first time; the pile of laundry on the floor of too many clothes for one person, the pictures on the dresser, the computer on the desk in the corner.

"This is his fucking bedroom isn't it? You've been sleeping in his bed, haven't you?"

"Yes," I replied meekly.

"Alone?" his eyes darted around the room looking for evidence.

Not able to reply I just shook my head, my hands twisting around the sheet in my lap as I was suddenly very aware of how undressed I was.

"What the fuck, Jasper!" he yelled, his voice booming in the silent house. "I thought you were coming down here to say goodbye to your past, not to fuck it."

I looked up at him, my eyes narrowing at his words. "I didn't _fuck_ him. We…"

"What, Jasper? Tell me what did you and Peter do? Blow jobs, hands jobs?" Just as I was about to respond, he stopped me. "No, forget it, I don't want to know." He took a deep breath and sat in the chair in the corner. "Why are you in his bed? Have you been physical every night?" He put his elbows on his knees and rubbed his hands down his face.

Unable to look at him, to see the hate in his eyes, I kept my eyes on the sheets.

"How many times?" he pushed, his voice broken and unsure.

My heart and lungs constricted, making my breaths shallow. "Twice. One since I came back and once when I was here before."

He stood up, pacing again at the end of the bed, his chest expanding quickly as he took short breaths.

I tried to explain, to rationalize what had happened. "We were at the river, where we had gone the summer I left and we were swimming and then things just…I don't know what happened. He touched me and I-"

"Stop," he growled and put up a hand. "I can't hear anymore. I can't hear about his hands on your body bringing you pleasure." He shook the images from his head. "Tell me, did you scream his name or mine when you came?" he sneered at me, his eyes glaring at me through his thick lashes.

My head shot up. "It wasn't like that. It was nice, comfortable. I just…needed him."

"You needed him twice?" he snorted.

"The second time, I just wanted to forget the pain," I sighed, looking away. "But it only made me feel worse."

"Anything else?" he snapped, his hands fisting his hair.

"Yeah," I said with deep breath, and then lifted my head defiantly. "He held me when I cried, and he woke me up from the nightmares when I screamed."

Finally, he looked at me as an instant calm to his stormy eyes. "You cried?"

Nodding, I held his gaze. "Every fucking night."

"Me too," he whispered. "Do you love him?"

"Yes," I answered honestly and he sighed and closed his eyes. "I didn't know it then, but he was my first love. He helped me discover who I was, what I desired. And now, I love him as a part of my past, and for being a wonderful friend and being there for me. But…"

"But?" he opened his eyes again, they were stormy and conflicted, hope and fear swimming in their sea of green.

"But my heart belongs to you, and it forever will, Edward. I thought with space and time, I could learn to live without you, but each day was as bad as the one before it. Time didn't heal shit. The longer I was away, the more I wanted to be with you. Since the day…" I paused to make sure he was looking at me, "you sat next to me in geometry, my heart has been yours. You took my broken soul and repaired it with each look and smile."

His lips curled up a bit at my words, but he asked anxiously, "Does he love you?"

I played with the sheet some more, twisting it tight around my fingers, cutting off the circulation before releasing it and doing it again.

"I was his first love too. Now, I think he loves me in the same way I do him," I said convincingly in a steady voice.

"Bullshit," he said, calling me out on the lie. "He's still in love with you, isn't he?"

Keeping my eyes on the white ends of my fingers as I cut off the blood flow, I nodded. "It doesn't matter."

"How does his love for you not matter, Jasper?"

Finally, I released my fingers and looked up. "Because he knows I don't feel the same way. He knows I love you. In fact, he was the first person that I told I loved you."

His eyes were still churning with emotions. Slowly, he went to the door. My heart sank as he reached for it, his back to me. For the last time, I stared at him, claiming his look to memory to use to keep me company for the lonely nights ahead. I felt my cheeks dampen as he slowly twisted the knob, my heart beat pounded, and I wanted to scream out to him to not leave me.

But what right did I have to beg him to stay?

I had left him.

Twice.

I had essentially cheated on him.

Twice.

For the past week, I had spent my nights in the bed, and arms, of another man.

I had no right to ask him to do anything, stay, forgive, I deserved none of it. As the Major would have said, I made my own bed and I had to lay in it. And he would have been right. Everything that was happening, everything awful in my life, I had brought on myself. I had hurt Edward, deeply, and nothing I ever said or did could ever make it up to him, I could only accept and respect his decision to leave, to end us. As the door opened, a sob caught in my throat and I choked it back, swallowing hard. My heart raced and I licked my lips, the words on the edge of my tongue.

_PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!_

When the door was completely opened, I finally looked away. I couldn't watch him walk out of my life.

"Is there some place else we can talk?" he asked quietly from the doorway. I lifted my head, shocked at his words, and nodded.

"There's a deck out back or we can take a ride somewhere. Just let me put some clothes on." He nodded and closed the door behind him. Relieved I still had time with him, I jumped out of bed and went over to my bag and grabbed the first pair of jeans and tee shirt I saw. I was still pulling the shirt over my head as I walked out into the living room.

"Edward?" I called out when I didn't see him, my heart panicking that he had changed his mind.

"Out here," he said from outside on the deck. I opened the screen door and found him sitting at the table in the shade. "It's nice out there. Hotter than hell though, how did you ever survive these summers without melting?" He squinted up at me.

"Lots of air conditioning," I chuckled as I sat down across from him with my arms on the table. Hesitantly, he reached across with one hand and grasped one of mine. My heart leaped at the gesture. Tightly, I retuned his hold.

"This okay?" he asked, motioning to our hands.

"Very okay," I smiled. We sat in the silence in the heat as he gazed at our hands, constantly moving them. His fingers tracing the lines in my palms, stroking the back of my hand, tangling our fingers together, or putting the tips and palms together like he was comparing their size. The sun was high in the light blue sky and time slowly passed as he played with our hands. "Edward?" I prompted.

"Hmm?" he replied absently and continued to touch our hands together. I wasn't sure if the constant touching was a good or bad thing but it didn't matter, I wouldn't deny him my touch. "You're still wearing it," he said, keeping his eyes on our hands.

"Of course. I never took it off. Sometimes, I would just touch it and think of you, miss you. It made me feel closer to you."

"The shirt you're wearing," he said simply. "It's mine."

I glanced down and realized he was right. I had taken it the night before I had left, it was one of the last things I had packed. When Edward had gone out, I had gone into his room and grabbed it from his laundry. I wanted something that smelled like him. I hadn't washed it since.

"Yeah, it is," I blushed. "I wanted your scent with me. Corny, huh?"

He finally looked up from our hands and met my gaze evenly. "I slept in your bed every night. I wore your tee shirts under my scrubs every day, I studied in your room, I even showered in your bathroom with your shampoo so I could smell you."

"You did?" I choked out.

What had I done? I knew I had left the best thing in my life for what I had believed was a valid reason but I had returned to the arms of another. Even if it wasn't romantically, even if Peter and I had only been physical out of my desperation, I had gone and fucked up any future with Edward. Though every second longer he held my hand, I began to have hope that perhaps, on some small measure, he would allow me to stay in his life.

For I had no life without him.

"You left me broken, Jasper."

I hung my head and held his hand tighter. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I thought I was going the right thing. I thought I was saving you from a life of pain, discrimination, fear. I just… I love you so fucking much that the thought of something awful happening to you makes me sick to my stomach."

"And the thought of a life without you makes me sick to mine. How did you expect me to go on, to have a life without you in it?"

"I don't know," I sighed, running my other hand through my hair. "I just kinda thought that you and Bella could be a couple, be happy without me."

"Jasper, don't you know that without you, we don't have anything? I love Bella, and I'll always want her in my life but I don't want to make a life with her."

Hanging my head, I let my dirty curls fall in back in front of my face. "I thought I was doing the right thing," I repeated. "I just wanted you safe, Edward. The nightmares, they scared the shit out of me, so I guess I began to see things that weren't there. Things with you and Bella to justify my decision to make me feel better about what I was doing."

"What things?" he asked, tilting his head as he reached out and grabbed my other hand with his.

"Her asking you to be her first, and you accepting. The bookcases, the way you can always calm her down when she needs it, the way she smiles at you, the casual touches. You always seem to think of her in a way I don't."

"You do too you just don't know it."

I shook my head in disagreement.

"The truck stop? Jasper you risked your life for her, it doesn't get more important than that."

"It was just some guys fucking around-wait, how do you know? She told you?" He nodded. "I didn't want to worry you."

"The singing cactus, telling her stories from your childhood, cooking for her over a fire, sharing your past with her. It might not have been making love, but it was just as important, Jasper."

"Are you saying Bella and I…"

"No. Well," he shrugged, "maybe in an alternate universe or something but not in this one." We quieted down again, holding hands across the table. He watched them, the way they twisted and moved together so effortlessly. Finally, he spoke up. "Would you have come back?"

"I don't know. Maybe eventually." I decided to take a leap of faith, one I hoped he would accept. "Actually, I got into University of Texas, they reinstated my scholarship. I was going to live here until the semester started, then I was moving to Austin."

"Is that what you want?"

"That depends."

"On?"

"You."

"Jasper, if you want University of Texas, take it. Don't go to U of W for me. You need to live your life for you, not me."

"That's not what I meant," I sighed, sitting back in the chair, my arms still outstretched so our hands could still touch. "I meant, on whether or not you take me back. If you forgive me, I want to be with you."

"Forgive you?" he asking, honestly seeming confused. I looked down at the table.

"For leaving, for…Peter."

"Oh," he said before sitting back in his chair mirroring my own pose, but the very tips of our fingers remained touching.

"I understand if you can't."

He was just about to speak when we heard a truck door slam closed. "Peter?" he whispered and I nodded. He slipped his fingers from mine and put his hands in his lap. Sighing at the loss of contact, I brought my hands back to me and folded them in front of me.

Peter appeared behind me. Immediately, I saw the changes in Edward. The way his jaw clenched, his shoulders straightened and his dark eyes got more intense and scrutinizing.

"Everything all right, boys?" he teased as he sat down in one of the chairs. He had dressed in jeans shorts and a tee shirt.

Edward spoke first. "Thanks for the time alone, Peter, I appreciate it."

"Well y'all came a long fucking way to not be able to talk in private. Least I could fucking do," he gave Edward his cocky grin, the final move on the mask of happiness he was wearing. "With a sigh, he turned to Edward. "Listen, I know you don't know me, but I've heard a fucking lot about you. Every day, I heard Edward this and Edward that from either him or Bella. Anyway, I just want to say this guy was as fucking mess this past week. Nothing I did helped." He glanced at me before continuing. "Crying every night, getting sick, not eating, waking up screaming from nightmares. I might be some nobody from some small town in nowhere Texas, but I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty. He is in love with you. More than he could ever express."

I dipped my head, embarrassed by his words and honesty, and pained by knowing how much it must have hurt him to have witnessed my love for Edward.

Edward glanced at me before looking at back Peter and studying him. Peter sat with his legs spread wide, his elbows on the table, his fingers playing with a mark on the table as he stared at it waiting for a response from someone. I knew Peter, and even though he tried to hide it, I saw the agony on his face as he sat and accepted that he and I were no more, that even if I never returned to Edward, my heart would never be truly open to another. It was hidden deep inside and probably not noticeable to Edward, but Peter's pain was there, as visible to me as the red in the whites of his eyes.

"Thanks," Edward finally said, his brows knitted as he continued to watch Peter. I saw a former lover and friend, but I know Edward saw a rival for my affections, every one of Peter's movements and words was judged by Edward.

"How long are you here for?" Peter asked, finally glancing up at Edward.

"Actually, only tonight. I need to head back tomorrow, I'm due back to the hospital day after next."

Swallowing hard at his words, I began to panic at how little time we had. I had never asked how long he was there for, I had just assumed our time was unlimited.

"Do you have a place to stay?" asked Peter.

I saw the slight flush to Edward's cheeks. "No, I left my house in a hurry, I was anxious to get here. I didn't think to make arrangements."

"Then it's settled, you can stay here with Jasper in the spare room," Peter offered and stood before Edward could refuse. "I've got to run out for a bit, but we can do some food on the grill later." Peter said goodbye before he walked back around the front of the house to leave.

"That was awkward," Edward sighed, running a hand through his hair. I smiled at the way it stood on end, the sunlight casting facets of lights on the different shades of copper. "Surprised he didn't invite me to share his bed too," he muttered with a frown.

Clearing my throat, I pushed my seat out.

"Want me to show you around?" He looked up at me, surprised by my casual question. After all we had talked about, I was offering to show him the sights. "While you're here and all." I shrugged, feeling a bit foolish for asking.

"Sure," he said hesitantly as he stood up. The tension had resettled between us and his expression was a mixture of anger and sadness. Part of me wanted to lean over and kiss him, tell him I loved him and beg his forgiveness. Another part of me knew that any forgiveness that came from him would only happen in time, and nothing I said or did could quicken it.

I could only hope he was willing to eventually grant it.

"Just let me get my keys," I said as I ran inside the house. "Meet me at the truck."

When I opened the front door, he was waiting by my truck, his rental car parked on the street. I unlocked the truck and we climbed into the hot cab.

"I can't show you my old house because it's on base and I can't get on base without Peter, but I can show you some other stuff."

Rolling down his window, he nodded. "Whatever you want, Jasper."

I started the truck and pulled out. As a strong, thick silence settled over us, I began to regret my suggestion. What the hell was I going to show him? The local Wal Mart? The baseball park? The things that had seemed important to me suddenly seemed childish. Foolishly, I just drove around a few blocks, pointing out random things of no meaning while Edward sat against his door, his body turned slightly away from mine as he occasionally nodded or said 'that's nice'.

There was only one other time I had remembered having tension between us. The summer he had told me about sleeping with Bella, we had tip-toed around each other. But that had been years ago, and since then we had grown even closer. Sitting in the truck with him after having admitted that I had been physical with Peter made for one fucking uncomfortable situation.

"Want to see my high school?" I asked hopefully. He sighed and leaned his head back.

"I don't care…sure, why not. Show me where you and Peter were best friends and fell in love."

I sucked in a breath and bit my lip so as not to strike back. The ache in my heart clenched at his words, although I knew he had every right to say them. Shaking, I pulled the truck into a deserted parking lot. At first Edward didn't notice, then he sat up straight and looked around. I pulled into a space and threw the truck into park. With my hands gripping the steering wheel, I looked out my windshield.

"Sure is an odd place for a high school," he mumbled.

With a calm, quiet voice, I began. "I'm sorry, Edward. I'm sorry I left, I'm sorry I listened to you and came here to begin with. Mostly, I'm sorry I hurt you, that I was wrong in thinking I was protecting you. Most of all, I'm sorry I have a past, one that involves another boy. But..." I took a deep breath, not daring to look at him but I felt his eyes on me. "But I'm not sorry I loved him, he taught me it was okay to be who I was. He helped me realize I was gay, he showed me tenderness and that it was okay to feel things. Not easy when you have the Major for a father, by the way. Lately, he has been there for me, Edward. I was so broken, he was there. He couldn't put the pieces together, only you can do that, but he protected them."

"Jasp-"

I turned my head toward him. "Let me finish." He nodded and tugged his bottom lip between his teeth. I turned back toward the windshield, unable to look at him when I told him about what I had considered. "The day I decided to go to U of T, Peter had gone to work and I was alone. I went in to take a shower and shave. When I was standing by the sink shaving, I began to have these thoughts." I held out my hand and looked at the finger I had sliced with the razor, the flesh white and dying. "I took the razor and dragged it across my finger. The sting took the pain in my heart away. Then I realized I wanted the pain to go away permanently. I saw myself dead in the bathtub, blood running down my hands, the water pink. I was going to do it, but then I felt you with me," I whispered, my hand wiping the tears that had begun to fall. I was so sick of fucking crying. "I swear you were right behind me, kissing my neck. You called me love, but when I went to talk to you, you didn't hear me and you faded away. I was too fucking weak to take my own life. I knew then I had to stay in Texas, if I was too weak to take my own life, there was no way I could return to Seattle. When Peter got home, I told him I had made my decision and was staying in here. He told me I could stay with him until school started. That night," I paused, knowing the next part was going to hurt him, "in bed, I had a nightmare. Peter forced me to tell him what it was." I felt Edward tense beside me. "When I told him I thought I was saving you from being hurt, he told me how wrong I was to think that you weren't hurting already. He told me that I needed to go back to you, that you were my home. He said that he and I had had our time and it was my time with you now. He told me that our kind of love only comes around once in a lifetime and not to fuck it up."

I wiped my cheeks and closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the seat.

"I know I fucked up, Edward, a lot. I don't know how to even begin to make it up to you, or if I even can. I just know that… my heart is broken right now with the thought of you not being in my life, but I understand if you can't forgive me. I understand if you want to leave. I can drive you to the airport right now if you want."

Before he could speak, I reached forward and turned the keys. The truck started and I went to shift into drive. His skin was heated when his fingers wrapped around my wrist.

"Don't," he whispered.

Releasing the gearshift, I kept the truck running as h e moved his hand from my wrist to my hand, taking it in his. It was a small comfort to what I knew his coming words were going to be. In the bedroom I had feared he was walking out of my life. There in the truck I feared he was going to say it out loud.

Only he didn't speak. He did nothing but hold my hand, his thumb occasionally stroking the back of it. My crying had ceased to sporadic gasps of breath as I tried to calm myself. I shook my head, my curls so dirty they barely moved.

"I don't know what you want me to do, Edward? I know you need time, but just tell me what you want me to do."

"I want to go back to Peter's."

I looked over at him and saw his dampened cheeks, the last rays of the sunlight glistening off them as it streamed through his opened window.

Before I could speak, he continued. "I'm extremely upset and hurt that you didn't come back, that you didn't give me the chance to have a say in _our_ future. You made a decision for the both of us without asking me. That was wrong and you know it. I was broken too, Jasper. I didn't sleep or eat, I threw things, I screamed and cried. Only, unlike you, I didn't know why. I didn't understand why one minute I was waving to you from the window and the next, you were gone from my life without a word. I worried about you, I grieved for you, for us. I've waited a long time to start our lives together, and I had hoped after your trip here, we could do that. Then you just didn't come home. You have no idea what that did to me. "

"But I told you why I left."

"Yes, and I understand it now. Although, don't agree with it. You should have given me a say, but I understand your thinking. If you had come inside, you wouldn't have left."

"I knew if I saw you, I could never leave, and I had to leave to keep you safe. I realize I should have told you my fears, but I knew you would rationalize them, and brush them off, but they are real fears."

"I know they are. And in addition to all that, even if it's irrational, I'm jealous that Peter has a past with you before me. I'm jealous he knows your body as well as I do. What makes you excited, where you liked to be touched. But more importantly, I'm thankful he was there for you. That you had someone that loved you to hold you, to tell you it was going to be okay and if that person was Peter, then I owe him my life, because he kept you alive, Jasper. And…I want to get to know him. I don't want you to show me shit around town, I want to sit down with the one that knows your past and learn about Jasper the boy before he became the man I fell in love with." He gave me a small smile. "I want to hear the embarrassing stories, the stupid stuff that you both did. I want to know you as well as he does. Then, tomorrow, I want to go back to Washington with you by my side."

He reached over with his other hand and wiped my tears away before wrapping it around my neck, pulling me toward him. Leaning in, he pressed his lips tentatively to mine in gentle, sweeping passes before tracing them with his tongue. Parting mine, I felt his tongue enter, warm and soft, his taste welcoming. Sliding across the seat, he moved closer and angled his head to deepen the kiss. I put on hand on his arm and let the other thread through his thick hair, the pieces sliding through them before I gripped the locks tightly, desperate to hold him. Breaking the kiss, his breaths were shallow and broken. He rested his forehead to mine, not letting me move away.

It was time. I had a past, and I had said goodbye to it, now it was time to say hello to my future. To gasp it, to secure it and hold it tight as we emerged and faced it together.

Releasing my hold on him, I pressed my lips to his. "I choose you," I finally answered the question he had asked me in bed earlier.

"Are you sure? It means being out, Jasper. It means being _gay_, and all that goes with it. The good and the bad."

I kept nodding through it all. "I'm ready," I stated, taking his hand into mine. "Just be with me, help me when I need it. I mean… like telling the Major?" I exhaled heavily at his name. "I'm going to need help with that."

"I know. I'll be there." Pulling away so I could see his face, I saw his eyes, they were more beautiful than ever, the green shimmering in the sunlight, glossed from tears and bright with hope. "Take me back to Peter's."

Nodding, I sat back and put the truck into drive and pulled back out onto the road. Our hands clasped together in the seat between us. When we pulled back into Peter's driveway, his truck was there and his door was wide open. Edward raised an eyebrow at me and I shrugged. We got out and headed into the house to find Peter in the kitchen unloading some groceries. Spread over his counter were various meats, marinades, spices, and vegetables.

"Just in time, boys," he called over his shoulder as we walked in behind him. "Jasper, can you grab that tray under the cupboard, please."

Reaching down, I grabbed it and placed it on the counter.

"Is there any food left at the grocery store?" I asked, pawing through the bags of food.

"Fuck you," Peter chuckled. "Why don't you go get the grill going while I get the food ready?" Turning to Edward, I motioned to the door and we headed back onto the deck. The sun had set, and dusk was darkening the sky when I lit the grill and the candle on the table.

"Need any help?" I yelled into Peter.

"Nope," he replied and I went to sit down at the table with Edward. We sat in silence, Edward had his eyes closed and was leaning against the back of his chair. Minutes later, Peter came out carrying the tray of food. "Sorry," he mumbled when he caught me watching Edward, who quickly opened his eyes and sat up straight. Turning, Peter opened the grill and started putting the meat on.

"Peter, unless you've invited all of Charlotte's relatives, you've got way too much food there."

With his back to me, his shrugged. "Nothing wrong with some leftovers. Mama always said everything tastes better the next day."

"Chinese food and cold pizza," Edward added.

Peter glanced at Edward over his shoulder. "Exactly." Peter continued to cook the meat, running in and out of the house to grab bowls of salad and vegetables to grill. Once it was all done, he put it all on the table and told us to dig in.

"Jesus Christ," Edward mumbled when he saw all the food. "Do you always cook so much?"

"Everything's bigger in Texas," Peter grinned, cutting a piece of steak. "This here is nothing, a mere snack compared to the real bar-b-ques that happen at Charlotte's parent's ranch. You'll have to come back someday and go to one. They're great."

Edward smiled. "I'd like that very much. So, Peter," Edward said as he pulled his vegetables off his kabob. "Tell me about the trouble you and Jasper used to get in to."

"Not sure I can," Peter said solemnly. Edward raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, you said you were only here for one night. Goin' to need at least a week to tell you all the good stories."

Edward actually laughed. It was the most wonderful sound and I realized then how much I had missed it. When I had left, I had missed his presence, his body and his soul, but there were the small things I missed just as much. His deep, rich laugh was one of those.

For the next several hours, Peter told Edward many embarrassing stories about me, how we borrowed horses, how I got a hard on in algebra once, my stutter when I gave presentations, the first time a girl tried to kiss me, and our first time we had gotten drunk. Peter did exactly what Edward had wanted, he let Edward know the Jasper the boy, the lanky kid with long curls, skinned knees and a slow drawl. Edward blessed me with his laugh many times, often asking questions and looking over and shaking his head at me.

I told Peter about Edward as well. He knew of my love for him, but not much else. Peter was impressed when I told him what a talented piano player Edward was, and he asked Edward a lot about his classes and what he wanted to do as a doctor. When Edward said he really wanted to be a pediatrician, Peter smiled.

"You'd be great with kids," he agreed.

We debated over music styles, the best country songs, and Rangers versus Mariners. We laughed, we joked, we teased.

It was a perfect night, I had my past and my present at the table, enjoying each other's company.

It was made more perfect when Edward reached over and grabbed my hand, holding it on the table as Peter imitated Charlotte's father for us. Watching Peter closely, I caught his glance at our hands, but it was fleeting before he covered it back up. Always on my mind was knowing that I was leaving him again the next day. It had been hard enough to say goodbye to him twice before.

I had a feeling doing it a third time might kill me.

Finally, the night grew long and midnight approached. Peter was the first to say he needed to go to bed, and stood up. We helped clear the dishes, but he said he'd clean them the next day. He said good night and with one long look at me, retreated to his room. Guiltily, I went into the kitchen to clean up.

"He said leave it," Edward came up behind me.

"He bought the food, cooked it, it's the least I can do," I said in a hoarse whisper as I began washing.

"You wash, I'll dry," Edward said next to me with a towel.

"No, you go rest," I said.

"I'm not leaving your side," he said as he reached for the first plate. It was a small gesture, but it spoke volumes. We washed and dried in silence.

After the kitchen was spotless, I took Edward's hand and led him to the spare bedroom. It hadn't changed since the morning Bella and I had left.

"It's nice," he said as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"Did you bring clothes?"

"Yeah, in my car, I'll go get them." He walked outside and I stripped off my shirt and then realized my clothes were in my bag…in Peter's room. When Edward reappeared with his bag, I gave him a small smile.

"I need to go get my bag," I said quietly.

"And it's in Peter's room," he assumed correctly. Nodding, I walked around him, trying to avoid the worried look on his face.

"I'll be right back." Opening the door quietly, I left Edward to change while I went into Peter's. When he didn't answer my knock, I opened the door. He was on the bed, still dressed, on his side. I could see his body shaking as he released small sobs.

Saddened, I stood there and stared at him, not sure what to do. I wanted to hold him, to comfort him the same way he had done for me.

I wanted to be there for him.

And I couldn't. My heart was waiting for me in the next room.

Finally, he rolled over and faced me, not hiding his streaked cheeks. "I hate him. He's too fucking perfect," he chuckled.

"Peter," I began but stopped, completely clueless on what I wanted to say.

_I love you but I love him more. _

_He is perfect._

_Goodbye._

"I'm glad I got to know him. I feel better knowing how much he loves you," he sighed.

"You don't look better," I mumbled into the dark room.

"I'm not gonna lie, Jasper. I fucking want you here with me, in Texas, but if you're not here, I want you with him. He might be upset right now, but there's no fucking doubt how much he loves you. What he's willing to do for you. I said it before, our time is over, it's your time with him."

"Thank you," It sounded so insignificant, but I meant it with everything that I was.

"Did you come for your stuff?" he asked, wiping his eyes.

"Yeah. I think we're heading out about five. We're driving back. Going to drop his rental off on the way."

"Say goodbye before you go?"

"Of course." I grabbed my bag and went back to the door. One glance at my empty spot in his bed before I twisted the knob and walked out. "Night, Peter."

"Night, Jasper."

Back in my room, Edward had changed and was sitting on the bed in his pajama bottoms.

"Everything okay?" he asked, unsure.

"Yeah, he was awake, just said how nice you were. I told him what our plans were for tomorrow."

"Is that all?" He raised an eyebrow. I unbutton my jeans and slid them off before putting on a pair of cotton pants and crawling into the bed. Nodding, I slowly went to him and almost cried when he opened his arms for me to climb in to. As he wrapped his warm embrace around me, I laid my head on his chest. His solid, steady heartbeat the most soothing and beautiful sound I had ever heard.

I put one arm around his middle and pulled myself closer to him. I felt his fingers on arm, tracing the inked design.

"What does it mean?" he asked as he leaned over and kissed it. Shivering at his touch, I nestled into his chest.

"I give so that you may do," I translated as I let my hand begin to wonder over his stomach, around his navel and through the dusting of soft hair under it, feeling is body quiver under my light touch.

"It's beautiful," he murmured against my skin. "I noticed Peter had one too. Did you get them together?" he asked with a slight jealous tone.

"For my birthday. We had wanted to get them since we were kids, our fathers had tattoos, hell you can't be in the military without one, and we wanted to share something that no matter where we were in life, we could look back and remember our time together." He remained silent and I changed the subject before he had too much time to dwell. "I can't believe you came down here for me."

"Of course, love, my life only makes sense with you in it."

Sliding up, I tilted his head to me and kissed him, brushing my lips across his, never deepening it.

I was uncertain about so much in my life. Where I was going to go finish school, where I was going to live, my career, telling my parents I was gay, and just living my life. But I was certain of one thing- I would always need and want Edward by my side. Even when I was old and gray, I wanted it to be his brilliant eyes that I looked into every night before I closed my own. I wanted nothing more in life than to spend it with him. I didn't care where we were, as long as we were together.

"I'll move to Texas you know," he said as if he had delved into my mind and plucked out my thoughts. "If you want to go to Austin, I'll move down here to be with you."

Stunned, I pulled back and looked at him, he continued, quiet and uncertain. "Honestly, while you were gone, I looked into the University of Texas at Houston. They have a great medical program. I even sent them my transcript and applied for the upcoming semester. When I talked to admissions, they said I was too late for September but I could probably get in for January."

The pad of his thumb wiped away the tear that ran down my cheek.

"You'd do that for me?"

"For us." He kissed my forehead. "I told you I would give up everything for you, Jasper. I meant it."

"Your family…Bella?"

"I haven't really discussed it with Bella, but I'm sure if she wanted to, she could get into their English program. As for my family…they'll deal. As long as I'm happy, they will be fine. I know your scholarship is in Austin, but maybe they can transfer it or we can just commute. Austin and Houston are a hell of a lot closer than Austin and Seattle." He shifted his weight, and turned himself toward me so we were facing each other. "So what do you think? It might mean being apart for a few months, but we could talk all the time and we'd see each other at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then I would be down here with you in January."

"I love you," I said, enjoying the way the words slipped so easily from my lips, as if I had been saying them my entire life. I pulled him into a long, deep kiss. When I felt his erection pressing against my thigh, I pulled away. As much as my body missed and craved his, it was not the time or the place to do much more.

Not with Peter suffering in the next room.

"Baby, I need you," I whispered, stroking is cheek with the back of my hand. "But…"

"I know," he replied with a sympathetic sigh. We stayed close, our arms around each other but we kept the kissing to a minimum. As his fingers traced the design of my stained skin I let mine wander in his hair. I laid my chin on his chest and looked up at him.

He tucked my curls behind my ear. "Your hair is long."

"Edward?" I shivered as his fingers traveled down my arm.

"Yeah?"

"I want University of Texas," I announced quietly.

"Then I do too. Where you go, I go."

"Are you sure?"

"Always, Jasper."

The last thing I felt was his leg tangle with mine as I burrowed my head into his neck and let his sweet scent lull me to sleep.

"**~~**"

It was still dark when we all stood out by my truck. Peter kept yawning as he stood there in sweatpants and a ripped tee shirt. I suspected he hadn't slept at all the night before.

I had slept better than I had in four weeks.

It tore me apart to see Peter so worn. I had brought them both so much grief, and all I could do was hope that in time we would all recover and be whole again.

Edward tossed his bag into the bed of the truck and then walked around the side to Peter and me. Turning to Peter, he held out his hand.

"Thank you for taking care of him," he said in a hushed voice. Peter gave him weak smile and his eyes lacked their mischievous glint as he nodded and shook Edward's hand.

"I would do anything for him," Peter replied honestly. My heart ached. He had given me so much of himself, physically, emotionally. And then, after all he had done, the holding, the comforting, the understanding, he had realized it wasn't him that was going to be able to fix me.

It was Edward.

"Watch over him okay?" Peter requested quietly. Edward nodded and then turned to me.

"I'll meet you at the car rental place?" he asked as he gave me a quick hug. "I love you," he whispered in my ear.

"Love you too," I returned, placing a quick kiss on his neck as he pulled away. At his car, he turned and waved to us both before getting in and starting it up.

As we had dressed earlier in the bedroom, he had told me that he wanted to give me a chance to say goodbye to Peter alone. Even after all that had happened, all I confessed to Edward about Peter and I, he had no doubt I'd meet him at the rental place.

"I still hate him," Peter mumbled as Edward pulled away and drove down the road. Turning to look at me, he squinted and yawned again. "You sure he's not some kind of cyborg or robot or something because no one is that fucking perfect."

I couldn't help but smile. "I got pretty lucky," I sighed as I watched Edward's car until it was completely out of view. "Twice." Learning back against my truck, I smiled at him and opened my arms. He walked into my embrace and buried his head in my neck. "You gonna to be okay?"

"Yeah. You?" he mumbled against my heated skin.

I glanced down the road in the direction of Edward's car and sighed. "Yeah, I think so."

"Did you guys work everything out?"

"We're getting there. He's pretty hurt about me leaving and…you and me."

"You told him?" he asked, surprised. I nodded and closed my eyes, hearing the hurt in Edward's voice and seeing the pain in his eyes as I had told him about being with Peter. "And?"

"And I have some making up to do. It's not going to be easy, but I think we'll be okay in time."

"You will," he said confidently. "He loves you, Jasper."

"We discussed our future a bit last night, and…I'm coming back in a few weeks. I'm still going to U of T in September.

He pulled back but stayed in my arms. "What?"

"Edward thinks he can get into the medical school in Houston in January, so I am going to go to Austin until then. If I can transfer my scholarship to Houston I will, if not, I will stay in Austin, and he will go to Houston. At least he'll be closer."

"Wow," he said stunned. "You're going to be in Texas. Austin is only three hours away. Will I see you?"

"Yep, I plan on spending some weekends with you and Charlotte if that's okay?"

His arms tightened around me in reply. Leaning down, I pressed my lips lightly to his, then rested my forehead against his.

"You know I will always love you, right?" I asked him in a long breath.

"Yeah. Just not the same way you do him," he sighed. "But it's okay. I'll go find myself some perfect stud like him and make you all jealous," he teased. I laughed and squeezed him closer.

"I'll call when I get to Seattle and I should be in Austin in about two weeks." I released sigh. "I've got a lot of explaining to do to my parents, huh?"

"I'd fucking say so," he chuckled. "Good luck with that."

"Gee, thanks." We stood, hugging in the early morning light for what seemed a long time. I kept telling myself I had to let him go, release my arms from him and yet it seemed all I could do was hold him tight. After repeatedly reminding myself I was going to see him again soon, I finally loosened my hold on him.

"You should go," he said as he pulled away. "He's waiting for you." He kissed my lips one last time as he cupped my cheek in his hand. "Go to him, Jasper. Go get your happily ever after."

When his thumb wiped my cheek, I realized a few tears had fallen.

Putting my forehead back on his, I whispered, "Texas forever."

"Texas forever," he smiled. "I love you, Jasper," he sighed, "Jesus, it feels so fucking good to say those words after so many years."

"I love you, too," I admitted.

After squeezing him one last time, I pushed off the truck and turned to open the door. I started it up and threw it in reverse and backed down the driveway, stopping before I pulled away. I looked at my first love one more time with his dark, curly hair and mischievous eyes. With one last long look and a wave, I pulled away, leaving my past in my rearview mirror and driving to my future.

Wiping dry the few tears that had fallen, I drove to the car rental building and found Edward waiting outside the door. When I pulled up, he walked over the truck and got in.

"I turned it in, we're all set," he said as he buckled up. "Everything alright?" he asked as he eyed me warily. I reached over and took his hand in mine, letting them rest on the seat between us.

"Everything's perfect," I smiled at him. He returned the smile and rolled down his window.

Thirty minutes later, we pulled out onto the highway for our long journey back to Washington. Edward leaned forward and began switching radio stations, flipping through them quickly before he settled on some oldies station. As I pressed the truck toward eighty, he leaned back in his seat. I looked over and found him with his arm out the window, riding the wind as he motioned it in a wave up and down. Smiling, I remembered Bella doing the same thing on the drive down there. Edward glanced over and caught me staring at him, his cheeks turning pink at being caught doing such a childish thing.

"When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand…" the music began playing on the radio. Edward turned his head lazily toward me and grinned.

"It's our song," he said as he unbuckled his seatbelt and slid across his seat. Putting his head on my shoulder, he placed our hands in his lap. The anxiousness I had felt for over fours weeks vanished in his presence. Even though I knew we had a long road ahead of us, I had no doubt we were going to make it. When my mind would begin to worry about disappointing my parents, or fear what might happen to us, I just had to look at Edward. The angles of his face, his hair, the true color of his eyes, and I knew everything was going to be okay.

We were going to be okay.

I had fooled myself into thinking I could even begin to survive without him. The day I had stood at the sink seemed so far away and yet it had been less than forty-eight hours before. The broken man that had looked into that mirror and considered taking his life was on a path to healing, each moment with Edward was a balm on my damaged soul.

With him by my side, it was how it should have been all along.

Edward and I.

Jasper and Edward.

Always.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~

So, yes, no? Hated it…liked it?

We have the epilogue left, and then the outtakes on the outtakes…not hitting that complete button quite yet!

Also thanks to Purplebookworm for the suggesting the song for this chapter. It was perfect for the boys!


	18. What was Once Lost is Now Found

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N- So here it is, the epilogue of Lost and Found. This 'story' started as slash outtakes for S&S and yet it has somehow gained loyal readers and over 400 hundred reviews. I can't even begin to say how nervous I am over this chapter, I debated a million times on it, what to do, what not to do and without dannie prereading it, i feel like i am just winging it-which scares the shit out of me. I hope i did them justice, remained true to their characters, and satisfied those that have stuck it out throughout all the long delays and angst.

This chapter, and this entire story, is dedicated to Dannie, not only for her upcoming birthday but because without her encouragement, support and slave driving techniques, I am not sure L&F would have ever developed into the story it has. There was laughter, tears, and a few 'omfg you better fix my Perfectward now!' threats. Though it all, she was there for me and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I wrote two other one shots for Dannie's birthday, both slash, links are in my profile. (Of Lovers and Whores and Better Than Nothing). They are both out of my comfort zone.

My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise, are my own.

"****~~**"**

What was Once Lost was Now Found

Location: Heaven (Adored)

"****~~**"**

"My first love,  
You're every breath that I take  
You're every step I make

And I want to share  
All my love with you  
No one else will do...

And your eyes  
Your eyes, your eyes  
They tell me how much you care  
Ooh yes, you will always be  
My endless love

Two hearts,  
Two hearts that beat as one  
Our lives have just begun_."_ –Lionel Ritchie

"**~~**"

For the millionth time, I ran my hand through my hair, my still long curls more unruly than usual in the heat of the Texas midday. Dressed in a gray suit with a lavender tie, I shifted from one foot to the other and glanced around me warily. People were everywhere, talking, laughing, hugging, all of them had cameras, some carried bouquets of flowers, but none were as nice as the bouquet I held in my hand. Once again, I brought them up to my nose and inhaled deeply, hoping the floral scent would calm me in his absence.

I jumped when I felt the hand on my arm. Turning around, I saw Bella and broke into a huge grin, my arms immediately wrapping around her waist and picking her up off the ground, spinning in a circle.

"So good to see you," I said as I put her down. She put her hands on my chest and straightened my tie. Her long hair was partially up and she was wearing a pale yellow sundress. "You look great."

"Thanks, Jasper, you look so handsome. Clean up real well," she teased, kissing me on my cheek. "I picked up a hitchhiker on the way here, claimed he knows you," she said as he turned and then I saw him. He was dressed in a dark blue suit, minus the tie, and white shirt.

Gray mischievous eyes greeted me as he pulled me into a hug before kissing my cheek. "Well, look at you pretending to be a real all grown up in a suit."

"Shut the fuck up," I shook my head and grinned, hugging him again. "Been too long, Peter."

"Fuck yeah it has. But that's life, right?" he shrugged and then grabbed my shaking hand with his. "Calm the fuck down, you're as jumpy as spit on a hot skillet, you'd think it was you up there."

"Why are you so nervous?" Bella asked. I wasn't surprised they felt my anxiousness, it was thick around me. Again, my hand went through my hair and I looked around me.

"Just waited for this day for so fucking long," I said and then blushed then blushed as Mrs. C approached. "Sorry, ma'am," I apologized.

Laughing, she pulled me into a tight hug. "How are you, Jasper? You look wonderful."

"I'm great, thanks." I released her and stood up and saw Alice and Dr. C right behind her. Holding out my hand, he took it in a firm grip.

"Dr. C, great to see you. How are things up in Seattle?"

"Can't complain, but I think we spend more time down in Texas now than we do up in Washington." Esme nodded in agreement. "Are we going to Jack and Betty's tomorrow for the reception?"

"Yes, sir. They've got it all planned and plenty of room for everyone to spend the week there," I replied. Having been back in Texas for almost six years, not only had my skin darkened but my accent had thickened to a slow, comfortable drawl.

Even Edward had developed a twang, and fuck was it sexy as hell on him.

"Hey, Jasper," Alice greeted in her small voice. I bent over and hugged her, placing a kiss on top of her head. The music began, our cue to go find our seats. Holding out my arm for Bella, she took it and we followed Peter, Alice, Dr. C and Mrs. C to our chairs. Bella looked up and me and grinned.

"What?" I asked.

"You're beaming with pride," she answered, squeezing my arm.

"I am proud," I sighed as we found our row and sat down. Placing the bouquet on my lap, I held Bella's hand. My knees were bouncing up and down, as they always did when I was nervous. She put her palm on my thigh.

"It's going to be fine, stop worrying," she said in a soothing tone. The music changed to the Pomp and Circumstance March and the graduates walked in dressed black robes and caps. I spotted Edward right away, I would have been able to spot Edward a mile away in the largest crowd. It was as if my eyes were drawn to him magnetically. I saw him scan the audience and I had to contain myself from jumping up and down and waving. Bella would have been mortified, and Peter would have hoot and hollered with me. After the graduates sat down, the dean walked up to the microphone on the stage.

"Welcome friends and family of the University of Texas Houston Medical School graduates."

The audience erupted in cheers.

As I sat there between Peter and Bella, I thought back on the past six years of my life.

Edward and I had returned to Seattle after he had come to get me. We talked a lot on the way home, about our pasts, our futures, and my fears. There was laughter, tears, a shitload of kissing, and even some yelling, but we arrived back in Seattle in just under three days after driving almost straight through. I had only about week at the house before I needed to pack the truck and head to Austin.

Bella was both thrilled and pissed to see me. After she hugged me, she pushed me, fucking hard too, against the wall and demanded to know 'what the fuck was wrong with me'. Embarrassed at my behavior, I pulled her to the couch. Edward left the room to give us privacy and avoid the pain of hearing about Peter again. I told her everything I had told Edward, even about Peter and me. At first Bella was furious at me for not having told her about the fight and my nightmares sooner. She claimed she could have talked some sense into me, to which I had no argument. When I told her about Peter, her eyes welled up. She had learned to love Peter's ways and had suspected there was something between us. We hugged and cuddled and when Edward came down a few hours later, both our eyes were puffy from crying.

Then Edward sat down with us, on the other side of Bella and proceeded to tell her that I had been accepted to University of Texas and that he would be transferring there as well. She was scared, I could tell, but she took the news surprisingly well. Hugging us both, and saying that it would all work out as long as Edward and I were together.

That week Edward and I had spent every waking, and sleeping, moment together. He had pretty much moved into my room, spending every night in our bed, we spooned, we kissed, and slept, and even fought. We had decided to take the physical stuff slow, so we kept everything above the waist, even though our erections often rubbed against each other, we never took it any further. I had wanted to immediately pick up where we had left off, but Edward's reasoning made sense and I obliged. I would have done anything he had asked, taking things slow was the least I could do for him.

There were definite moments of doubt. Moments he would snap at me, out of the blue making some sarcastic remark about Peter. I knew he was still hurting, he tried to hide it, but when he was overtired or frustrated, it would slip out. One night I was cooking on the grill and Edward came home. When he saw me standing by the grill flipping burgers, he asked if Peter knew I could cook over a fire. Meekly, I had answered yes, he had been camping with me when the summer the Major had taught me.

"I bet Peter taught you a few things that summer as well," he snarled before walking off.

Another time, we were lying in bed, still dressed. Edward's hands roamed my body, and he palmed my cock through my jeans before he quickly undid them. I went to stop him, he was below the waist and against his rules, but it felt too fucking good to stop. Plunging his hand under my briefs, he started stroking me quickly, murmuring dirty words in my ear. How hot my fucking cock was, how good my cum taste, how he wanted to fuck me. With each word, I was brought closer to the edge, my hips wildly fucking his hand as he pumped me. It had been so long since he had touched me, a touch I had missed and craved desperately. Then suddenly, as my release tightened in my balls, he whispered, "How many times did Peter make you cum? Did he have a big cock? Did it make you hard? Did it taste good?"

I cried out, my cock pulsing in release, cum erupting from me onto his hand and down my cock as he squeezed me. Immediately, he released me and climbed off the bed. I lay there, catching my breath, my cock still throbbing and seeping in the aftermath, wondering what the fuck had just happened.

He didn't return for hours.

The worst time was when we had woken up one morning, before dawn, and I felt him hard behind me. It was a time we treasured, our quiet moments alone in the morning before we had to get up. He rubbed himself against me, only a few thin pieces of fabric separating us. Clutching me to him, he thrust repeatedly until he let out a low growl and I felt the back of my briefs dampen from his orgasm. As he lay catching his breath, his nose nuzzling the back of my hair, I let my hand wander down to my own aching erection, preparing to stroke myself until he spoke.

"Did he ever do that? Come hard in his underwear just because you were near him?"

He had tarnished those moments.

I knew I deserved it, his anger, and I accepted it, in hopes that he would work out the demons by pushing them onto me. If it was what I had to endure, his occasional outbursts, in order to be with him, I would gladly do it.

There were still nights I woke up in a cold sweat from nightmares, only instead Peter there to calm me, it was Edward, his eyes darkened with concern as he reassured me that he was safe, he was there, and not going anywhere. The nightmares varied, but always ended up with Edward gone and me alone. Holding me, he would whisper his love in my ear as I released the sobs and eventually fell back to sleep. With his presence, over time, they got fewer and further between.

We had gone to see his parents two days after arriving home. They had invited us back to Forks for a night to celebrate the end of summer, and it seemed like the perfect time to talk to them about us. Bella had declined, knowing what Edward and I had to do, so he and I made the trip alone. I drove us there while Edward sat in the passenger seat holding my hand and humming 'You've Got a Friend."

When we pulled up to his house, he leaned over and kissed me, brief and comforting.

"Ready?" he asked as we opened our doors. I met him on his side we walked to the door side by side. Standing in front of the door, I felt his hand reach for mine and our fingers entwined. He knocked and we heard Mrs. C rush to the door, swinging it open with huge smile before throwing her arms around Edward's neck and then mine, commenting on how tan I was. She released us and led us inside.

We crossed through the doorway hand in hand. Dr. C came around the corner from the kitchen patio, his 'World's Best Griller' apron tied around his neck. He hugged us both in the same way Mrs. C had and then took a step back to take us in.

My griped on Edward's hand tightened.

Dr. C's eyes glanced down at our joined hands and then darted to his wife, who had spotted them as well.

"Well," she spoke up. "It looks like you boys have something to tell us?" Edward nodded and looked at me reassuringly. "Well, let's go out onto the patio, everything's set up and we can talk."

We followed her out there and sat down while Dr. C went to the grill and flipped the steaks. Alice showed up about twenty minutes later. I stood when she arrived, giving her a hug and kiss to her cheek. She hadn't changed, her hair was a bit longer, but she was still…Alice.

After making small talk about the trip to Texas while Dr. C finished cooking, we ate. When the dishes were cleared, Mrs. C sat down with a glass of wine and looked at us pointedly. Edward and I sat side by side, occasionally his hand would move under the table to my thigh as he tried to stop my bouncing knee, but it was useless, I was a nervous wreck. They were like second parents to me, what if we disappointed them?

"So, boys," she began, but didn't finish, leaving that up to us. Edward took my hand from my lap and brought it, and his, to the top of the table. I heard him take a deep breath before glancing at me and beginning.

"Mom, Dad, Alice, Jasper and I are a couple."

"A couple?" Mrs. C repeated and Alice raised and eyebrow at me. I could almost hear her thoughts as the memory of us having sex replayed in her head.

"Yes, as in we are gay and in love," he blurted out like some bad 'b' movie dialogue, his cheeks flushed, but confidence eluded from him. He was so sure of himself, of us, it was contagious. "We've actually sort of been together since we were seventeen, but we hid it…until now."

_Well, sixteen if you count the mutual handjobs. _

Alice's brows furrowed as she did the math in her head.

Dr. C chuckled and shook his head. My heart raced as he began to speak. "Hid it? Edward you are a brilliant man, but you didn't hide shit," he admitted. Next to him, Mrs. C nodded. "See, your mother and I have known for years that you two were in love. Maybe even before you both did, but we decided to wait until you were both ready to accept it instead of pushing you for answers."

They had known. Just like Bella had.

"I always thought you two were really close," Alice said quietly and then looked at me. "I'm glad you found someone that makes you happy, Jasper, and I'm even happier that someone is my brother."

Exhaling a huge breath, I turned to Edward and smiled. He leaned over and kissed me, gently on the lips in front of Alice and his parents.

"I told you we were awful at hiding it," he said and I rolled my eyes. Then he turned back to his parents. "There's more. Jasper was accepted to University of Texas on a full scholarship and is going in September."

Mrs. C gasped and then gave me a hug, Dr. C said congratulations and looked at me proudly.

Edward continued, "And if all goes according to plan, I'm transferring to the medical program at University of Texas in Houston in January."

Mrs. C looked at her husband before speaking and then tilted her head and looked at us both. My hand clenched Edward's.

"Are you sure that's what you want, Edward?"

"With all my heart. I want to be with Jasper, and if he is in Texas, than so am I," he answered confidently.

"Then your father and I are very proud of you, and happy for you both. Not everyone finds their lifelong love. Your father and I were lucky enough to do it, and you do what you need to do to be together and happy."

The rest of the night was spent in laughter and smiles. Edward and I even slept in his bedroom together. His bed was too small for us both, but we squished on there, our bodies touching almost from head to toe. We left after lunch and a swim in the pool the next day. They had given us hugs, and best wishes and I had strict instructions to email once a week from Texas.

One family down, one to go.

Two hours later, we pulled into my driveway. My heart pounded in my chest as Edward reassured me with his velvet voice over and over. With a nauseous feeling in my stomach, we walked into my house, not holding hands. My mother greeted us, giving us both a big hug and welcomed me home. She led us into the living room where the Major was watching the Mariner's game. He stood and shook our hands and then sat down again and clicked off the television. Edward and I sat on the couch, a few feet separating us.

My fingers were twitching to reach out and grab his, yearning for his comforting touch.

"Your mother says you've got something to tell us," he hinted. Nodding, I cast a quick glance at Edward and decided to start with the least painful first.

"I've been accepted to the University of Texas in Austin on a full scholarship and I'm going in September."

They were silent for a few seconds while it sunk in and then my mother jumped up and hugged me again, her perfume wafting around me.

"That's wonderful, son," the Major said proudly. "Congratulations. I know how much you miss Texas, so this will be great for you."

I thanked them both and then with a deep breath, announced, "And Edward is going to be transferring down there in January to be with me."

They looked at Edward and my mother let out a little gasp and an 'oh', while my father just looked confused. I needed to clarify.

"Maj-Dad, Edward and I are a couple. Edward is my boyfriend," I finally admitted after three years.

"You're gay?" he asked. Looking down at the carpeting, I nodded. "As in queer?"

I remained silent, staring at the floor and it felt difficult to breath.

"If you'll excuse me," he said and got up and left the room. The tears sat on the rims of my eyes and I willed them not to fall as Edward reached for my hand. I jerked it away before putting it back and letting him take it.

"Jasper," my mother said, "give him some time to adjust. You just caught him off guard, he wasn't expecting anything like this. Frankly, neither was I, but you know your father, he's a bit more conservative than you or I."

Nodding, I kept my eyes on the floor, not sure what to do. "Do you want to go?" Edward asked, coming to my rescue.

"Yes," I murmured and he stood up, pulling me with him.

"Mrs. Whiltlock, I just want you to know that I love Jasper very much, and I have for years. I would never do anything to hurt him. I hope someday the Major can accept Jasper for the brilliant, wonderful person he is."

She stood and hugged Edward, whispering in his ear before letting him go. After packing up a few sandwiches for us to go, Edward and I headed for the truck. Just as I was about to get in I saw the Major on the porch. He came down the steps and strode over, towering over me.

"Son, I apologize for my behavior. You shocked me. We haven't seen you in months, and then you come home with this news. It's…honestly, it's hart to accept and it's quite a lot to absorb. You're our only child, our name stops with you, there are discriminations you will face and well, as parents we worry about these things, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you," he said before pulling me into a hug. "Just give me some time, okay?"

"Thanks….Dad," I whispered before he let me go and ruffled my hair.

"Get a cut," he teased and I climbed into the truck.

"And congratulations on the scholarship. Call us when you get to Texas, keep us updated."

"I will," I promised as I started the car. With a long wave, we pulled out of the drive and headed back to Seattle.

"Well that was relatively painless," Edward half joked.

"I guess it could have gone worse," I sighed. "He could have been armed." Laughing, Edward laid his head on my shoulder. "Hey, what did my mother say to you?"

He turned and looked up at me. "That we made a beautiful couple, and I was lucky to have you."

Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad after all.

A week later, I packed my things and left for Texas…again. The night before I had left, Edward and I lay in our bed together, completely naked, facing each other. We talked a little bit but we were mostly silent and just held each other.

My body craved his so much.

It was going to be a long few months until Thanksgiving when I would see him again.

We slept occasionally, often waking up to pull the other one closer or kiss. Time seemed to stand still for us that one night, granting us the time we needed to say goodbye, to make the promises of love. When we talked, it was about our futures, bright and together, it was about what we had already overcome and how much stronger we were together than apart. How fear could not defeat me when Edward was by my side.

Early the next morning, I hugged Bella tight, she had packed me some food to bring, baked me cookies and brownies for the trip, told me to avoid that truck stop and say hi to Peter and Charlotte for her. When it was Edward's turn, Bella left us alone and went back inside. We kissed for a long time, our tears mingling as we tilted our heads back and forth. Gripping tufts of his hair, I kept him close to me, not wanting to let him go.

"Be careful, love, and call me at every stop," he told me. Nodding, I kissed him one last time.

"I'll see you at Thanksgiving," I promised, though I would see him long before that via our webcams.

"It'll be here before you know it." He cupped my face with his hands. "I love you, Jasper."

"I love you too, baby," I whispered just before kissing him one last time and then climbing into the truck. Wiping a few tears from my eyes, I pulled away, waving. Smiling, he waved back, his crazy hair sticky up in the early morning hours.

In Texas, I poured all my effort and time into studying, and we spent four months of emailing, chatting, texting, and webcaming. I had even gone to see Peter and Charlotte few weekends, eager to be away from the books. The first time was one weekend in late October, I had made the three hour drive to see Peter and when I knocked on the door he answered and greeted with a hug and a 'how the fuck are ya'. As I entered, I put my bag down and saw him sitting on the couch. I hadn't seen him since the night I had returned to Texas after leaving Edward.

Peter motioned to him. "Riley, you remember Jasper." Riley nodded and said hello, his eyes warily watching me. He left a few minutes later and as I was unpacking in the spare bedroom, Peter came in and fell onto my bed.

"Got time for a quickie?" he joked wiggling his eyebrows as he rolled over onto this stomach and propped himself up on his elbows. "Sure is good to see you, Jasper. I mean, you look so much fucking better. You look…happy."

Smiling, I nodded. "I am. I miss Edward, but I talk to him daily, sometimes a few times so it's been okay. Glad to be away from the campus though. I've pretty much been sticking to myself and studying, so looking forward to some downtime."

"Well, you've come to the right place, because very little thinking goes on here."

When I was done unpacking, I lay on my back on the bed next to him and turned my head toward him. His mischievous eyes smiled back at me.

"So, you and Riley, are you guys back together?"

He sighed heavily. "Aw, fuck if I know. This love shit confuses me, Jasper. The only one I know I've ever loved, that felt completely right, was you. But…." He paused, looking for the right words. "Yeah, there's something there. We've gone out a few times, he's come over and watched a few movies. Just taking it slow."

"That's the way to go. He's lucky to have you," I sighed. Moving closer, he laid his head on my chest.

"Jesus, I've missed you."

"Me too. It's great to be back." We lay like that for a few minutes, familiar and comfortable before he pushed up and held out his hand.

"Before I get any ideas about you and a bed, let's go get some food and have a few beers," he suggested. "You can tell me all about Austin and if the guys there are cute."

Right before Thanksgiving, Edward had been accepted to the University of Texas in Houston, and a few weeks later, I was notified that my scholarship could be applied there as well, and I began to make arrangements to transfer to Houston. Bella had even made arrangements for new roommates. Rosalie and Emmet, who had been dating for several months, were going to move in with Bella. Edward and I felt much better knowing Emmet was there with them.

I continued to visit Peter once a month, each time thankful to have the break from school. He had Riley had begun dating again and by Christmas, they were an official couple. I had seen Riley several times, usually he avoided me but a few times, he stayed for dinner. He seemed to make Peter happy, and he didn't seem to mind giving Peter and I alone time on the weekends I visited. He maybe eyed me suspiciously, but he was confident enough to leave us alone for long periods of time.

January finally arrived. The day he pulled up in his Volvo in front of the small house we had rented, I was at his door, opening it before he had even completely stopped.

"Oh my God, I missed you," I said pulling him from the car and into my arms.

"Jasper, you just saw me a week ago on your break," he laughed, kissing me. I spent the next several hours showing him how much I had missed him during that week.

Our classes started, and after a short adjustment period, Edward and I settled into our simple lives. The house we purchased was a small one bedroom but it was light and airy and filled with us. Pictures of Edward, Bella and I were everywhere. Edward's piano sat in the corner of the living room by the window that got the most sun. I would watch him play for hours, the sunlight glistening off his skin. We had a small kitchen bit enough for a table in it but our bedroom was our heaven. Edward's desk was one wall, our bed on another with a dresser and television on a third. We studied a lot, he often had later classes than I did, so I did most of the chores around the house, except one.

Edward still handled almost all of the cooking, though he had showed me how to cook a few simple things like scrambled eggs and bacon. One morning while he was still sleeping, I had snuck to the kitchen and made him breakfast, scrambled eggs without the shells and bacon cooked in a frying pan. When I woke him up with a tray of food, he grinned and shook his head in amazement. Sitting on the edge of bed, I smiled proudly until he said.

"Where's the toast?"

We often met for lunch on campus, usually at the café or some place nearby. Sometimes a few of Edward's med student friends would join us. Never once did we hide the fact that we were together. It took me awhile to grow comfortable with it, but having Edward next to me helped and each time it got easier, my heart racing less in my chest.

Once a month, we made the drive to Peter and Charlotte's. Edward and Riley met, Riley seeming to get along better with Edward than he did with me, perhaps they shared a common bond. During one of our visits early that spring, I had convinced Edward to let me show him a secret place.

"Where are you taking me?" he asked as he swatted a fly away from his face. "It's buggy as hell here. Are we going to be there soon?" he reeled off one right after the other.

I was walking in front of him and sighed loudly. "Edward, if you are going to complain, I'm taking you back to Peter's." I threatened, glancing back over my shoulder at him.

"Sorry," he mumbled as he shifted the backpack on his shoulder. "But you could have warned a guy that this was a mile hike."

"We could have borrowed the horses," I reminded him.

"NO! I'm good with walking, thanks."

"Riding isn't hard, Edward. I'm going to teach you eventually."

"Over my head body," he chuckled. We waded through the long grass until we finally reached the embankment.

"There it is," I pointed down the embankment the river. Edward stopped beside me and whistled. The river flowed in front of us, white water gathering around the rocks and along the edge.

"Wow, that's nice. You used to come here as a kid?"

"Yeah, Peter and I would come out all the time in the summer."

We trudged down the embankment to the river's sandy edge where we dropped the backpacks and opened them. I pulled out a blanket and spread it out while Edward pulled out towels, a few waters and some sunscreen. As he toed off his shoes, he stared at the river.

"How far does it go?"

"I'm not sure, we never really went past that curve down there or rope swing over there." I pointed to the rope hanging from the tree to our right on the rocky ledge. When I turned toward Edward, he was pulling his shirt over his head.

My heart skipped a beat.

Living in Texas had done wonders to Edward's formally pale skin. The sun had kissed his skin everywhere, making him look even more delicious than he was. A light sheen of sweat on his skin glistened in the sun, giving him a sparkling quality and I quickly took the two strides to him and wrapped one arm around his waist while the other went under his chin and tilted his head. Starting at his collarbone, I dragged my tongue along it, up the column of his neck, and over his jaw, reveling in the salty taste.

"Oh fuck," he moaned when I finally reached his mouth and teased his lips with my tongue. "I thought we were here to cool off not heat up?" he chuckled.

"Mmmm, but I like getting you hot more," I countered. My body trembled when I felt his fingers graze my sides as he grabbed the hem of my tee shirt and began to pull it up. Releasing him I raised my arms over my head and he lifted it off and tossed it on the blanket. Our lips met again as soon as it was off, his hands going to their favorite spot, deep in my curls at the nape of my neck while mine constantly ran up and down his back. My nails left red marks in their wake as I dragged them up and down his muscles. Impatiently, he reached for the button on my khaki shorts and easily pushed it through the hole before unzipping them.

Breaking the kiss, I grabbed his hand and led him to a nearby fallen tree. Straddling it, I sat down and pulled him down in front of me. Mirroring my pose, he straddled the tree and leaned toward me again, his lips going for my nipple, latching onto it. Arching my back, I lolled my head back and wrapped my hand around his neck, keeping his mouth fused to me. His hands went to the waistband of my shorts, tugging on them.

"Up," he demanded when he got frustrated. Bracing my hands behind me, I lifted my hips and he pulled my shorts and briefs down over my ass, my erection bounced in the movement as I sat back down on the tree, emitting a loud moan when the back of his fingers brushed against the head of my cock and down the underside. My hips bucked up into his teasing touch, desperately craving more. It seemed no matter how much or how often our hands were on each other, it was never enough to satisfy either of us, it seemed we only yearned for the other even more. Leaning forward again, our lips meet and a loud groan escaped me when his fingers finally wrapped around my cock and he languidly began to stroke me.

"Fuck, yeah," I pulled away, letting my head hang back. Through heavy lids, I watched Edward unhurriedly touch me.

"You're so beautiful like this," he murmured as he watched me, "hard, wanting…needy."

I felt the blush heat my cheeks, embarrassed at his compliment even as I sat half naked in front of him as he openly stroked me. The slow, deliberate pumping of my cock quickly had me on the edge. Fuck, just Edward looking at me was enough to make me come, much less touching me so intimately.

"Feel good?" he asked, his eyes darting from my cock in his hand to my face. Licking my lips I nodded my head, my sweaty curls falling my face as I stared, enthralled at my cock in his hand. Clear fluid seeped from the slit on the head, running down the ridge onto his hand. My hips began to wantonly pump into his grip.

"Faster," I begged greedily in a throaty murmur. Obliging, his hand glided over my cock as my breaths became labored. Through my lashes, I saw his hips moving in time with his strokes and to see his desire only made me harder. "So close, baby," I moaned. The bark from the tree was scraping my ass as I moved back and forth frantically chasing the released I thirsted for. With his right hand on my cock, his left rested on my thigh as he pressed his lips to mine. Left one hand behind me for leverage to move my hips and brought my other to his neck, repeatedly skimming his skin with the tips of my fingers, smiling into the kiss when I felt his body shiver.

And he wasn't cold.

I loved the power our touches had on each other. Mine had the ability to make him tremble, his voice shake and his eyes roll back into his head, while his do all those things and immediately calm me after a stressful day. Our classes were tough and long, Edward studied many long hours but no matter how our day had gone, as soon as our bodies met, all our troubles vanished.

"I love your body," he said, his hand moving quicker. "I want to see you come, Jasper."

Nodding, I licked my lips and closed my eyes, focusing on nothing but his touch. There was no rushing water, no heated sun, no birds or bugs, there was only Edward's quick breaths and my own moans as I fell deeper under the influence of his touch. As soon as I felt the tightening in my balls begin to spread, I opened my eyes and he smiled at me.

He always liked us to look at each other when we came.

"Coming?" he asked and I nodded. "Come on, love, shoot for me, let me see what I do to you." At his words, my entire body tensed, my stomach clenching as I grunted when my climax hit me. Pulsing my cock shot cum in short, intense bursts onto my stomach and Edward's hand, and my nails dug into the tender skin of his neck as I gripped him. My eyes never left his as he continued to stroke me through my orgasm while it rushed through me, coating me in a relaxed, sated state. Finally, I released my hold on his neck, vaguely noticing the marks I had left, and moved my hand to his wrist. Shuddering, I covered his hand with mine and pumped myself with him until the last of my orgasm had passed and my body was left with small charges of electricity in its aftermath. Exhaling, I wrapped my hand around his neck and pulled him to me, my tongue plunging into his mouth between his lush parted lips. Lazily, we kiss as my cock softened in our hands and we released it, letting it fall onto my shorts. With both hands freed, I went for his shorts, quickly undoing the button before I stopped.

"Let's go get cleaned up," I suggested, motioning to the river. Edward stood, swinging one leg over the log before he slowly unzipped his short and let them fall to the ground, exposing his erection, thick and pink, to me. Edward had taken a liking to going commando. It was easier when we were trying to hurry, like the frantic hand jobs in the truck between classes, or for the intense blow jobs between the rows of medical journals at the library at the University.

He also did it to tease me. He knew I had a hard time concentrating on Battle of Fort Sumter knowing he was sitting at the table next to me with no underwear on, his cock and my mouth only separated by a thing piece of fabric. More than once, we ended up in a secluded part of the medical library, his cock in my mouth and his hands in my hair, as I pleased him.

Stepping out of his sneakers, he touched himself, long, leisurely strokes, his tongue between his lips as he watched at me with lust filled eyes.

It was so fucking erotic.

"You want me?" he rasped.

"Always," I smiled up at him, squinting my eyes.

"Then come and get me," he winked as he ran toward the water and dove in when he reached the middle.

I enjoyed watching Edward running nude in the sun. Not sure there was ever a more beautiful sight. I stood up and pulled my short and underwear and toed off my shoes, leaving them by Edward's shorts, and followed him into the water.

As I dove in, the cold water hit me, instantly refreshing me as I swam under it a few strokes before popping up in front of Edward. Pushing my hair off my face, I smiled at him and reached out my hand for him. His piercing eyes gave off the many facets of green in the sunlight as he moved toward me and into my embrace. With my arms around his neck, he put his hands on my ass and lifted me so I could wrap my legs around his waist. When our cocks rubbed against each other, I felt him instantly begin to lengthen.

"Mmm," he moaned, bucking his hips into mine. "Feels like you got me." We put our foreheads together and I rolled my hips against him, grinding our cocks with wildly, feeling the effects my body had on his. The buoyancy of the water aided him in holding me up and we kissed as the water rushed around us, splashing us. Slowly, as our mouths met over and over, he walked us toward the shore. Breaking the kiss, he turned and lowered us to his knees, my legs still tightly around him.

"Jesus, Jasper," he hissed as I rocked my hips. "What the fuck are you doing to me?"

Smiling, I moved my mouth along his jaw to his ear. "The same thing you do to me," I answered as my hand left his neck and reached between us to the head of his cock. When I felt it twitch under my touch, I released my legs from him and went to my knees. Grabbing his left wrist, I lifted and put it on the fallen wood behind him and as I held it there. I pushed him back against the wood with my hand on his chest and then reached down and placed my hand under his right knee, lifting it I pulled his lower body toward me. Supporting himself on the wood with his arms stretched out either side of him.

As my mouth went to his nipple, his head fell back against the tree and he let out a long moan. Smiling against his chest, I kept tight grip on his wrist while I lowered myself down his body, lifting his legs even more I brought his cock up and lowered my mouth onto it.

"Fuck," he cried out, his hips reflexively thrusting into my mouth. I had gotten quite good at blow jobs. No longer did I choke on his size, I was able to brush my nose against his hairs as I swallowed around him. Keeping him deep in my mouth, I moan, the vibrations reverberating through his cock. "Yeah, suck my cock, love."

I did as I was asked.

Bobbing my head up and down, I slid my lips along his cock, heating up his cooled flesh with my mouth, dragging the flat of my tongue along the underside of his erection, tracing the veins there. I released him, darting my tongue out to flick over the head, delighting in the taste of his skin and the fluid that had leaked from his slit under my affections.

"Put your legs on my shoulders," I instructed him, lifting one leg to my shoulder as he did the other. When I looked down and saw his cock only an inch from my mouth, I growled. Concentrating on the head, I sucked it while I let one hand roam between his legs, taking his balls into my hand, I rolled and tugged them.

"So fucking good," he groaned, his hips stilling as I set a fervent pace with my mouth, a pace I knew brought him to the edge quickly. With his balls in one hand, I moved my other between his legs, my finger circling his tight entrance. I pushed my finger inside the ringed muscle, his hips moving down to force me in deeper. "Fuck me, love, fuck me."

Plunging my finger into him, I added a second, hoping my touch was reaching his prostate.

"Yeah, right there, again, more," he begged, his hips conflicted between seeking out the depths of mouth or feeling my fingers further into his ass. "Faster…mmmm….yeah, love…just like that…so wet…tight…. suck me hard…deeper," he pleaded. Finding a rhythm between my mouth and my hands, I felt his body tense as I opened my eyes and looked up to find him staring at me. With his eyes trained on mine, his body shattered under the force of his climax as it ravaged him, his cock erupted into my mouth and unlike my first time, I swallowed around him, being sure to not miss a drop. Salty and musky, the taste filled my mouth and slid thickly down my throat while his body shook with ecstasy, the spasms of his muscles squeezing my fingers.

"Jesus, fuck, Jasper, so fucking hot," he said, his eyes so dark with desire they were almost black. Keeping him in my mouth, I milked him as my fingers gradually slowed, letting him come down from his high before I removed them completely and let his cock slip from mouth. "Come here," he requested and dropping his legs from my shoulders, wrapped them around me and pulled me to him. He let go of the tree with one hand and reached up to my face, pushing my damp curls from my face before putting his hand behind my neck and tugging me down to him.

"You give fucking incredible head, love," he smirked just as my lips met his, parted, my tongue tangled with his, sharing his taste. My hands groped his ass, supporting his weight and enjoying his embrace while we let our lips meet over and over.

Gasping, I broke the kiss and laid my head on his chest, his steady heartbeat contrasting the random sounds of the water. Reluctantly, I once again became aware of our surroundings, the water suddenly very cold against my skin, giving me goose bumps. But I was aware of nothing more than I was aware of the solid body under me, the one that had given me the strength to be myself, to follow my dreams, the one that followed my dreams with me. Lifting my head, I rested my chin on his chest, and found him staring me, his eyes having returned to their normal emerald green.

"I love you," I said, placing a kiss over his heart. There was nothing freer or more open in my life than being able to say those words to him whenever I wanted.

Grinning at my words, he repeated them back to me, "I love you too." With a contented sigh, I released his ass and let his feet go to the ground.

"Ready for a swim?" I asked backing away from him, I pushed off the ground and floated on my back.

"Jesus, you think I can swim after all that," he raised an eyebrow. "You've had time to recover, I'm still all hazy." Even as he said the words, he pushed off the wood and swam toward me. "Ya know that log saw a lot of action today," he chuckled.

"Probably scared all the woodland creatures, huh?"

"Or turned them on," he scoffed. Reaching me, he turned onto his back as well, his arms stretched out from his sides, his fingers barely touching mine. "It's really beautiful here," he commented, his eyes closed as the sun beamed down us. "I can see why you and Peter came here so much."

"It was our secret place."

It was nice to be able to talk about Peter without Edward's jealousy rearing its head. Over time they had grown to enjoy each other, often ganging up to tease me.

"Thank you for sharing it with me," he sighed, turning his head to the side. "I like knowing about your past."

"You're welcome," I said as I splashed some water onto his chest.

"You do that again, Jasper and I will take you down," he threatened with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah? I'd like to see you try," I challenged.

He spent the rest of the day taking me down, and I reached new heights each and every time.

Over the next few weeks we had continued to please each other with our mouths, hands, even our entire bodies as they rubbed and ground onto the other but it got to a point where I needed more.

I became desperate with wonder to feel him in me.

One late spring night, there was a heavy rain falling as Edward and I lay in our bed. I straddled him, my balls brushing over his taut abdomen with each thrust of my hips into his fist, each one propelling me closer to release. Trembling, I fell forward, flattening my palms against his chest, my thumb circling his nipples.

My shaky breath escaped in gasps as I tried to speak. "Please don't stop, baby, feels so fucking good...in your hands like this..."

"Never going to stop, love." At his words my eyes snapped open, and found him watching me. "You're so beautiful like this, riding me to get off, fucking my hand."

I wanted to smile, but he flicked his wrist over the head of my cock and I lost what little concentration I had.

All I could do was feel. Feel his hands on my body, touching me, stroking me...loving me.

"Come here," he said, his hand leaving my cock and moving to my hips, encouraging me to slide up his chest. Confused, I hesitated but his fingers dug into my flesh as he lifted his hips under me to force me forward until I was straddling his chest, my cock bobbing in front of his mouth. "I want to taste you."

Just as his tongue darted out to swirl around the ridge of the head of my cock, I swallowed hard, anticipating his touch.

"Make love to me, Edward," I whispered down to him. Stopping, he pulled his head back and looked up at me. I felt his body tense under me, as he sighed and my heart clenched at the rejection.

"I can't,' he answered, shaking his head a bit.

Sitting back on his chest, his hands on my lower back, I brushed the hair away from his forehead. "You don't want me like that?" I asked with a shaky voice.

"No, no, it's not that at all," he tried to deny. I looked down, away from his eyes, focusing on a spot on the pillow under his head. "Fuck, I want you like that more than anything but…"

Lifting my chin, I forced my eyes back to his. "But what? I thought we would eventually make love, Edward. I thought you'd-"

"I can't hurt you. It's going to hurt and I can't hurt you, Jasper. I won't. You mean too much to me," he interrupted.

Relieved, I brushed my fingers along his cheek. "But it will feel good later, won't it?"

He shook his head. "I don't know, Jasper. I mean, yeah, that's what I've heard but everyone is different. It scares me."

"I'm scared too, but I want to try it." I leaned forward and kissed him. "I want to experience that with you. I mean, I love doing this," I motioned to our naked bodies, "but I'm ready for more…if you are." He returned my kiss. "We can stop if we need to," I offered as I slid back down his body and rubbed against his hard cock. Smiling, I looked up at him through my lashes. "You obviously are ready….and imagine how good it will feel, baby. To be together like that." His hips thrust up into mine. "Please," I begged, "make love to me, Edward."

Growling, he wrapped a hand around my neck and pulled me down to him, his tongue quickly entering my parted lips. Pulling away, I inhaled his sweet breath deeply before sitting up.

"How do you want me?"

"Jasper, are you sure? This is a huge step."

"I know, and yes I'm sure," answered with a confidence I didn't really feel.

"Then I think you should be on your back, I want to be able to see your eyes," he answered. Nodding, I lifted myself off him and rolled onto my back. He reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of lube. Opening it, he poured some onto his fingers and then set it down. Biting his lip, he rolled his side and hooked one leg over my calf and pulled it toward him, spreading my legs. Kissing my shoulder, he lazily let his fingers ghost over my cock and balls to my entrance. After a few teasing circles, he slid his middle finger in. Immediately, I groaned, my hips pushing down into his hand as my head pressed into the pillow. Slowly, he pumped his finger in and out of me before adding a second and soon a third. Moving them steadily, he stretched me, reading me. He moved his lips up to my neck and I tilted my head, shivering under his touch. When he reached my ear, his tongue traced the shell, his breath hot and moist.

"You want me inside you, love? Are you ready for me?" he asked.

"Yes," I moaned and felt his fingers slid out of me.

Suddenly, he asked, "Do we have condoms?"

"In the drawer," I replied, my eyes closed as I felt him shift to get the condoms. My chest was heaving as I listened to him open the drawer and pull out a condom.

"You were prepared," he teased. Opening my eyes, I smiled and took the condom from his hand.

"Get on me," I said and he sat up and straddled my hips. He looked beautiful sitting on top of me, his muscles quivering, his stomach tensing as I reached down to this cock. I ripped the wrapper open, took the condom out, and then I gripped his cock with one hand and slid the condom on with the other, rolling it down to the base. "You got me ready me, I wanted to get you ready."

Licking his lips, he leaned down to me, kissing me as his sheathed cock and my bare one rubbed together effortlessly. While we kissed, I reached for the lube and slathered some on his cock.

Once he was ready, he lifted one leg and moved between mine. Kneeling, he placed his hands under my knees and lifted my legs, spreading them for him.

"Please tell me if it hurts too much," he requested before saying, "I love you."

"Love you too," I smiled nervously. Letting go of one leg, he gripped his cock and rubbed the head around my hole and with his gaze holding mine he finally began to enter me. At first, I felt only pressure, not much more than I had with his fingers, but as he slowly pushed forward, the head of cock sliding into me, the pressure turned to a burn and I winced reflexively.

Immediately, he stilled, his eyes downcast as he shook his head. "I can't," he apologized and pulled out, sitting back on his heels, he let me legs down. "Jasper, we don't have to do this, we can just do other stuff. You please me very much like that."

"I know, but I want to please you this way too. Edward, look at me," I demanded and he finally brought his eyes to mine. "You told me that you chose me over everything, over family, school and fear. Now I want you to choose me over pain. I can handle it, I promise." I reached up and touched his lips with my fingertips. "Please."

Kissing my fingers, he nodded and kneeled again. I lifted my legs, holding them in place for him as he pushed into me. Taking a few deep breaths, I felt the head of his cock pass the tight ring of muscle and the burn eased slightly as he gently continued. Inch by inch, my body accepted and welcomed his.

Even though we were connecting in a way we never had, Edward's gaze never left mine, he might have been watching me for any signs of discomfort, but all I showed him was love. The rain pelted the windows, lightening brightened our darkened room for seconds at a time, and thunder crashed around us as our bodies united for the first time. When his hips met mine and he was seated deeply in me, I forced my body to relax so he would feel confident enough to move.

I had never felt so…complete. My ass burned, the warmth spreading throughout my hips and lower back, but it was worth it. To be with him so intimately, together as one, I would have endured any amount of pain. He remained still inside me, though I saw the strain on his face as he denied his body's natural instinct to thrust forward and seek the friction his cock was craving. The muscles in his neck bulged, and his jaw clenched with the effort of his restraint.

"You can move," I whispered. He shook his head. "Baby, it's okay to move." His breaths were shallow as he pulled his hips back and I felt him sliding out of me, until just the head of his cock remained. Exhaling, I nodded and he thrust forward again.

"Jesus, you have no fucking idea how good you feel," he moaned and began to move at a slow, but rhythmic pace. "This okay?" he asked, breathless.

"Yeah, keep going." I released my legs as his hands gripped under my knees again. My cock had softened but as he began to thrust deeper, it began to harden again. Every few thrusts, his cock would hit my prostate, sending a bold of pleasure ripping through me. "Right there," I said, lifting my hips up toward his.

"Look at us, Jasper," he said softly, his eyes on his cock entering my ass. Lifting my head, I looked down at where we were joined, his thick cock sliding in and out of me. All we had done, the touching, kissing, blow jobs and hands jobs, nothing compared to the sight of him in me, the feeling of him moving in me. His head lolled back, and he let out a long groan. "So fucking tight."

Bouncing against my stomach with each thrust of his body into mine, my cock begged for attention. Reaching down with one hand, I gripped myself and began to stroke. The more I stroked, the more the burn eased, leaving pleasure in its wake.

"Mmm, yeah, touch yourself. Feel good?" he asked never breaking his rhythm. Nodding, I licked my lips and let my eyes drift close, focusing on nothing but him in me. He let go of my legs and my feet fell to the mattress where I planted them flat. He fell on top of me, our sweaty chests touching as he pushed my hair back from my face and kissed me gently. Regardless of the passion that was heavy around us, the kisses were slow and languid and his hips slowed to match their leisurely pace. Between our bodies, I kept my hand on my cock, squeezing as I pumped myself. Threading my fingers into Edward's sweaty hair, I kept him to me. With his elbows on either side of my shoulders, he put his forehead to mine, his breath washing sweetly over my face.

"I love you so much, Jasper," he whispered and closed his eyes. When they opened, looking deeply into mine, I saw a tear escape and fall down his cheek. Lifting my head, I kiss the tear away, the salty taste remaining on my lips.

"I love you, Edward," I murmured. "More than anything in the world, I love you."

With those words, he gave me a small smile and kissed his way along my jaw and down my neck, taking the tender skin between his lips, sucking gently before moving to the next spot. He continued to move his hips, his thrusts becoming deeper and harder as he got closer to his climax.

"So close," he mumbled against my collarbone. "Need …you ..come," his words were broken as he was overwhelmed by the sensations. Furiously, I stroked myself, the familiar tingle so much more intense with him in me, as my balls tightened. Sensing, I was close, he lifted himself and looked down at my hand on my cock. Opalescent fluid seeped in a steady stream from my slit, onto my stomach as I neared orgasm. Moaning at the sight, Edward drew his eyes back to mine, making sure I was holding his stare. When emerald met faded blue, my climax tore through me, my entire body tensing my cock jerked and shot long bursts of cum onto my stomach and chest. Spasms wracked my entire body as wave after wave hit me, my muscles tightening around Edward's cock. Suddenly, Edward was kissing me.

"So fucking beautiful," he moaned into my mouth as he increased the speed of his hips. "Fuck," he grunted and I felt his body shudder. Lifting my hips, he sank deeper into me forehead rested on mine.

Tugging on his hair, I reminded him, "Watch me, baby."

"Love…you," he let out in a strangled cry that pierced the air as a bolt of lightening flashed, his cock pulsed and erupted as he came in me, his hips bucking wildly as he rode out the euphoric bliss that coated the fibers of his body and fogged his mind. Exhausted, he collapsed on top of me, his body trembling, his breath coming in short pants.

"Mmmm," I moaned as the last remnants of my orgasm began to fade from my body, leaving behind a sated feeling like none other. While his head rested on my chest, I combed my fingers through his hair, letting the silky, bronze pieces fall through. He shifted his hips, and his cock slipped out. Slowly, he lifted his head and put his chin in my chest. I stroked his cheek with my finger, tracing every beautiful feature; strong jaw, full lips, straight nose, deep set eyes that held my soul.

"Did it… I mean…was I…okay?" he stammered, his cheeks already flushed from his exertion. The feeling his complete weight on mine was solid and comforting.

"You were perfect," I smiled. Thunder boomed around us and he jumped. Laughing, I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. "I'll keep you safe," I promised.

"Tell me, what did it feel like?" he asked thoughtfully.

"It's hard to describe. It burned a bit at first, but the longer you did it, the less it burned. It was just that initial time that hurt the most, then it eased, but I could still feel it. Once I started stroking myself, it started to feel really good. And when you hit deep, ugh…you were amazing, Edward. Thank you."

"I can't believe you're thanking me for hurting you," he chuckled.

"I'm thanking you for trusting me, for loving me enough to do it," I clarified. He rolled off me and tugged his condom off, tossing it in the trash near the desk. When he returned the bed, he had a damp towel and leaned over to wipe my stomach clean before placing a kiss in on head of my limp cock as it lay nestled in gold curls. Leaving trail of open mouth kisses, his lips traveled my body until he reached my mouth. Crawling on the bed beside me, he lay on his side, our lips meeting again, tongues twisting as we reveled in the taste and closeness of each other. "You're amazing," I sighed, more content and happy than I had ever been in my life. "I love you always, Edward."

"Always, Jasper," he whispered right before his breathing evened out and deepened. Wrapping my arm around his middle, I hitched a leg over his and pulled him tightly to me. Kissing his nose, I brushed his hair off his forehead. Long lashes fanned out over his flushed cheeks as he entered sleep.

"Always, Edward," I murmured right before sleep washed over me.

After making love that first time, we discovered a variety of ways and positions that we both enjoyed, although Edward always favored me on back so we could watch each other. But he obliged me whenever I wanted to be taken from behind. The feeling of him deep in me while his nails dug desperately into my hips as he clung to the edge of his orgasm was incredible. With one well time thrust of my hips, I could push him into ecstasy, driving him to cry out my name.

I never got tired of hearing it fall from his lips as he came.

One night we had had an argument, I had forgotten to pick up a few things at the grocery store on my way home and he was hungry and we were both overtired. He raised his voice at me, reminding me how many times he has run to the store for us. I countered with his classes were closer to the store. We stood in the kitchen, facing off at each other.

And all I could think of was how sexy he looked angry.

Ten minutes later, he had me bent over the bed, my pants around my ankles, his cock deep in my ass as I gripped the edge of the bed for leverage. The force of his thrusts banged the bed against the wall. My cock rubbed against the blanket under me as Edward gripped my hips and pounded me.

"Peter ever make you feel like this? Did he ever make you scream?" he grunted. I shook my head, my curls covering my face and I lay my cheek on the mattress. "Who do you belong to?"

"You," I answered, "always you."

Calming under my words, he leaned down and kissed my shoulder blades. "I love you, my Jasper," he mumbled against my sweaty back right before he came, hard and deep. Edward's jealousy didn't show often but when it did, I enjoyed his strength and domineering, possessive fucking.

Ultimately, one night, just as I was about to put the condom on his cock, Edward stopped me.

"Will you top me?" he asked shyly. I furrowed my brows as I considered his request. Admittedly, I had thought about topping him, oh, probably a few hundred times but when he asked, it scared me. I was afraid of the same thing he had been, I didn't want to hurt him. "Please?" he begged, his thumb stroking my wrist as he held it. Nodding, I put the condom on my cock and rolled it down. Frightened, I looked up at him as he straddled me.

"How?"

He didn't answer, instead, he rolled onto his back and held his arms out for me. I fell into his embrace and began kissing him while I let my fingers travel to his hole, lightly teasing it before inserting two fingers. When his hips were pressing against my fingers, eager for more, I kneeled between his legs and positioned myself. With his feet planted on the bed, I entered him, watching his face for any signs of pain. He clenched his eyes once but other than that, his body took me in easily. His body below me looked incredible, and the power and intimacy of topping him, of doing something no one else had, was overwhelming.

"You okay?" I asked for reassurance. He nodded and reached for my hands, taking them into his, we gripped each other tightly as I began to thrust. He was tight and hot and velvet soft and the combination of them all meant there was no way I was going to last very long. "Tight," I gasped, unable to concentrate on any other words as I staved off my impending orgasm that threatened to overtake me with each thrust of my hips.

Nothing had ever felt so fucking good.

Even if he had pleaded with me to stop, I'm not sure I could have. All I remembered thinking was more, I wanted more. Needing him to come with me, I let go of one of his hands and reached for his cock. It had softened a bit, but quickly hardened under my touch until it was as ready for release as I was. Edward's face and body had relaxed, his hips starting moving against mine, his eyes had lost the tense haze and had turned darker with need. Grunting each time I sank into him, he clasped my hand over his heart.

"Gonna come," he moaned just as his cock twitched in my hand, releasing his fluids in short, thick streams. Our eyes held each others as he reached the peak that I had brought him too. The spasms of his ass around my cock as he came were unbelievably tight and I let out a loud cry and came inside him.

Inside Edward.

Bucking my hips randomly, my cock throbbed, pulsing as my orgasm hit me harder than any ever before. The bliss so powerful, it was like I had been on the edge for hours instead of only a few minutes. My body shook under the force, shaking uncontrollably as the last of my cum seeped from my cock and into the condom.

After that night, we switched often, although I preferred to bottom for Edward. I loved him taking me, controlling me, making me come for him.

The next few years flew by. Edward and I graduated. He received his degree in science while I earned mine in history with concentration in the Civil War. He had taken the MCATs and I remembered him pacing every day waiting for the results that assured his admission to medical school. After four years of biology, chemistry, physics along with a lot of music classes, he was ready to move on to the next step. We threw a party at our house that weekend, Peter and Charlotte made the drive over, and our parents and Bella flew down. The Major still eyed Edward and me with a reflective stare, he attempted to accept our relationship even if he never understood it. One time, Edward walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and putting his chin my shoulder before giving me a quick kiss. I smiled and then saw my father watching us from across the room, our eyes meeting. He gave me a small nod and a weak smile.

It was something.

Dr. and Mrs. C welcomed our relationship as they would have any other, and while at first, Alice seemed to avoid us, she eventually began to be comfortable around us. I'm sure it was difficult for her. I had loved her, not in the same way I did Edward but it had been a form of love regardless. But it had been her brother that held my heart all along.

To celebrate his graduation, Edward had told me he wanted a tattoo. I hesitated and tried to talk him out of it, but he was determined. We went into the city and found a parlor that had been recommended to Edward by a fellow student. He sat down and took off his shirt, I had to avert my eyes, as the sight of Edward shirtless never failed to excite me. He described what he wanted to the artist and then had me show him my tattoo.

"Can I the same script he does?" Edward asked.

"Let me what I can do," the artist said getting to work. A few hours later, the words 'ad vitam aeternam' were inked into his beautiful skin. I mourned the unmarred skin, but found his new tattoo very sexy.

"For all time," I translated the Latin words and he nodded.

"For all time," he repeated.

After graduation, I got a job teaching social studies at local elementary school while I finished up my certification and while Edward continued on with his medical degree. His hours were long and grueling, often leaving him tired and frustrated, but he prevailed. I got used to seeing the dark circles under his eyes and understanding him as he talked and yawned at the time. Sometimes I would go into the bedroom after cleaning up from dinner and find him asleep in bed, propped up against the headboard with his laptop balancing on his legs, his head learning to the side as soft snores escaped him. Taking the laptop off his legs, I closed it and pulled a blanket up over him.

I was so proud of him.

We settled into a routine with my job, the hours allowed me to usually be home by four in the afternoon and I would run errands and get dinner started so when he walked in the door around six or seven, after a twelve hour day, he could eat and then go right to studying or writing reports. I loved my job, the kids made me smile everyday, their comments were priceless and their minds like sponges so eager to learn. They would raise their hands and yell out my name wanting to answer the question I had asked.

I felt like I was doing something, and it fulfilled me more everyday.

I found it ironic that both and Edward and I would be working with children even though we would never have any of our own. Perhaps that was why we had both chosen fields with children surrounding us daily.

After four years of long nights, a lot of classes, endless studying, tests, and many hours in the hospital working with patients, Edward was about to graduate from medical school.

Bella patted my leg as the dean gave a speech how the students in front us would be changing the world with their efforts, saving lives with skill and research. He instructed them to move their tassels from the right to the left. I knew a few of those graduating with Edward and clapped as each name was called and the graduate walked up to the stage to shake hands and receive their degree.

"Dr. Edward A. Cullen," the dean announced and I saw Edward stand and walk to the left of the stage, up the steps where he stopped at the table to sign the Hippocratic Oath before crossing to the dean. Bella, Peter and I all stood, clapping and cheering. Mrs. C cried proud tears and Dr. C glowed with happiness. Edward was handed his degree and shook hands with the deans and professors up there before turning toward the audience and his eyes immediately fell onto me.

I clearly saw him mouth the words, "I love you, Jasper."

"I love you," I mouthed back, my eyes never leaving his as he made his way back to his seat. Next to me, I swear Peter wiped his cheeks and he cheered and whistled louder than anyone. We sat back down and Bella laid her head on my shoulder.

"Can you believe he did it?" she asked in awe.

"I never doubted him for one second," I replied, grinning. The rest of the graduates were called up one by one, and then the closing speech was made and they were sent off into the world… or at least to their residencies. At the very end, black caps flew up into the air as the crowd erupted into cheers. We stood off the side, waiting for Edward has he made his way through the people, some congratulating him on his honors. After what seemed like forever of watching him gradually approach, he reached us. Even though he hadn't seen Bella or his parents in months, he came to me first, his arms wrapping around me as he buried his face into my neck. I inhaled his fresh scent and held him to me.

"I'm so proud of you, Dr. Cullen," I whispered in his ear before pulling away. "These are for you," I said holding up the flowers. He took them, and then grinning, he put his fingers under my chin and kissed me softly before letting me go.

"They're beautiful, thank you," he blushed and turned to hug his parents. Peter slapped him on the back, telling him it was about damn time he got his degree, and what the hell had taken him so long. Bella cried in his arms as she told him how proud she was of him. After, we all went back to our house for the night, planning on leaving early the next morning for Abilene and a Texas style celebration at Charlotte's ranch. We ate dinner, talked in the living room and drank some wine and beers before we all called it a night. Hand in hand, Edward and I walked to our room, closing the door quietly behind us. We undressed and climbed into bed, Edward moved top of me, planting kisses over my neck and chest.

"Are you sure you're not too tired?"

"Nope," his reply was muffled by my body as he worked his way down to my cock and took it in hot mouth, lavishing it with attention while his fingers wondered over the heated skin of my balls to my entrance. My heart raced with anticipation, never did his touch not thrill me, each and every time was as wonderful as the first. When I was ready, he leaned over me to get a condom from the drawer and then opened it and handed it to me. It had become ritual that I always put the condoms on him. His head lolled back as I slid it down his cock and then slicked him with lube. Kneeling, he pulled me onto him. Facing him, I impaled myself onto his cock, slowly easing him into me. With my arms around his neck and my legs around waist, he began to thrust into me. We kissed and moaned and stared at each other.

As he held me with one arm around my middle, his nails digging into my back, he reached between us and began to stroke me in the same rhythm as his hips. Tapping my prostate almost each time, I moaned into our kiss, before kissing along his unshaven jaw, the hairs abrasive as I dragged my cheek along them while I moved my lips to the delicate spot behind his ear. Fisting his hair tightly, I rode him wantonly, our bodies sliding together as sweat gathered over them.

"Fuck..Jasper…so good…more, love, more…" he growled as he pumped me faster. "Wanna cum."

Just as my orgasm stirred low in my abdomen, I let go of his skin and pulled back to see his eyes.

They were dark and lusty and matched my own as my cock throbbed and I came, thick milky fluid escaping in short, strong bursts. My muscles clenched around him and he came, dropping his head to my neck to muffle the cries as his cock filled the condom, twitching and jerking inside me. Breathing heavy, we sat like that while our bodies regulated themselves. I lifted myself off Edward, and he removed the condom and tossed it in the trash, returning with a towel to wipe me down.

Later, we held each other as we drifted off to sleep.

"I've never been fucked by a doctor before, I kind of liked it," I smirked, kissing his sweaty forward.

"Well at least now if I give you a heart attack, I have the degree to save you," he chuckled.

"I love you, Dr. Cullen," I whispered as he fell asleep in my arms.

"I love you too, Jasper."

""**~~**"

Jack and Betty had gone all out for the party. I swear even the horses had twinkle lights in their tails. Much like the night of my birthday party, there was a stage with a dance floor, many tables, each one uniquely decorated, five grills and a fire pit. Edward and I were greeted with hugs and kisses as we made the rounds and introduced Mrs. and Dr. C and Alice to all of Charlotte's family. Once Dr. C saw the grills, he and Jack began talking recipes and techniques. Bella, Peter, Charlotte, Riley and Edward and I sat at the same table. We laughed and teased each other, Peter never seemed to run out of embarrassing Jasper stories, and I had to share a few of my own for Riley's sake.

They had been together for about six years and were as happy as Edward and I. Riley had courted Peter like a good southern gentlemen should, brining him flowers and taking him out to dinner. After taking things slow for about a year, Riley had moved in with Peter and Charlotte and they lived comfortably. We all joked it was the southern version of Bella, Edward and I. Peter still worked at the courthouse, Charlotte was still a teacher's aide and Riley had taken night classes and received his associates degree in English and worked for a newspaper. Over the years, we had grown to accept each other and our pasts, though I'm not sure he would ever forgive me for breaking Peter's heart because he was the one that had to put it back together again.

Not everything had always gone smooth. Right after Edward and I had graduated, Riley had been on his way home from work. He had left the newspaper late and was walking out to his car alone. He had written an editorial on gay rights in the south but apparently not everyone had appreciated his open mindedness.

He was jumped by three men. He was found four hours later after Peter had reported him missing to his friends on the police force. They had discovered him lying next to his car, his keys and cell phone in his hand, he had been attempting to call Peter before he lost consciousness. Battered, bloodied and bruised, he was taken to the emergency room and had a five our long operation to set the bones they had broken and stopped the internal bleeding, but the hemorrhaging in his brain left him comatose. Edward was asleep when Peter had called to tell me. I woke him up and while I got dressed, I told him he didn't have to go, but he was out of bed and grabbing a duffle bag.

"I'm going, I might be of some help," he insisted, his desire to help others so strong. In less than ten minutes later, we were on our way to Abilene. Peter was a wreck when we saw him, I ran to him and took him into my arms as he sobbed and I whispered that everything would be alright. Edward was wonderful and translated all the information the doctors had given us into a language we could understand.

As we sat in the hard plastic chairs waiting for word on his condition, I thought about Jaxen, the boy that had never left my mind, the boy whose life had been cut short simple because he was gay. I thought back to the attack on Peter and myself. Edward simply put his arm around my shoulders and held me close. Peter rarely left Riley's bedside where he held his hand and spoke to him constantly. Two days later, Riley's eyes fluttered opened and to everyone's amazement, he suffered no lasting effects.

But I began to suffer nightmares again. Edward was there to hold me and talk me through them and what was behind them. I worried about Edward at school or the hospital late at night, and made him call or text me as soon as he arrived and as soon as he left. He did as I asked, but I know he was worried about me and running away again.

"I still choose you over fear," I had said to him. "But I need you to be safe, to take precautions for me."

Fear would not rule my life again.

At the party, Bella looked beautiful sitting across from me. Her hair was still long but she was wearing it up and had a simple sundress on. She had graduated the same year I had with her bachelor's in English and had gotten a job working for a publishing company in Seattle as an editor. Her last year in college, she had met Seth, Emmett's former roommate and fellow English geek, and they had begun dating. He was good for her, loved her, supported her dreams and treated her well. They had announced their engagement earlier that spring. Edward and I would be traveling back to Settle for the occasion, Edward was going to be the maid of honor and I was going to be an usher.

Edward and I had both been home cooking dinner when the phone had rang. As soon as he saw it was Bella, he put her on speaker phone. She couldn't contain the excitement in her voice as she told us about the proposal, giving us great details on the ring and how she was already looking at dresses. We may have lived two thousand miles from Bella but we spoke to her almost daily and video chatted with her weekly. Our bond was never weakened by the distance between us, our loved overcame it.

Edward and I expressed sympathy for Seth and teased her mercilessly. Later that night, Edward and I lay sweaty and naked in bed after having made love and he laid his chin on my chest. As I ran my fingers through his damp hair, making it stick up in every direction, I thought of our future as a couple.

"Baby, do you think we'll ever be able to get married?" I asked wistfully. Lifting his head, he looked at me and kissed my chin.

"In some states, we can get married now," he answered.

"But not here, not in our home state," I sighed.

"Jasper, do you want to get married someday?" he asked thoughtfully, tilting his head.

Did I? Or was it because we couldn't that I felt safe to talk about it. I wanted to spend my life with Edward, and I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me he was my lifelong love, but I did need one in order to have certain rights.

And I did need one to say I was his husband.

Nodding, I bit my lip. "Yes. I want to marry you someday."

Grinning, he winked. "Are you proposing to me, Jasper?" Instead of answering him, I pushed him off me and climbed off the bed. Curious, he sat up, laying the sheet over his lap. I dropped to one knee beside the bed and took his hand in mine. Taking a deep breath, I looked up at him and smiled when I saw his wide eyes and flushed cheeks.

"I don't have a ring to offer you, but I do have my endless love and devotion. I love you now and I will love you always," I took a deep breath. "Edward Anthony Cullen, will you be my husband?" I asked confidently. I had never been more sure of anything ever before.

He said all I needed to hear. "Always, Jasper."

Reaching over, he took my hand in his and squeezed it on the table while we ate our salads and bar-b-qued ribs. Now that his degree was complete, we planned on a trip up to north to either Massachusetts or New Hampshire. It would just be the two of us, but we could celebrate with everyone once we returned. We hadn't told anyone of our plans yet.

We would probably be married before Bella.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked as he nudged my thigh with his knee. Blushing at being caught, I smiled.

"You. What else is there?" I replied honestly.

"Aw, so fuckin' sweet," he drawled.

"Have I told you how sexy that drawl is on you?"

Betty went on to the stage and invited everyone to gather around. She congratulated Edward, introduced a local band and insisted we all dance. Everyone laughed and clapped and began to pair off into couples as the music started. Peter, Riley, Edward, Bella, Alice, Charlotte and I all danced in a group. Edward's dancing had improved, over the years I had showed him some moves and he had adopted a style all his own. Raising his arms above his head, he gyrated his hips back and forth seductively and I felt my cock twitch. He was dressed in a plain gray tee shirt, jeans and his newest obsession, his cowboy boots. Growling, I pulled him toward me, grinding my hips into his as I kissed him.

Putting his hands on my chest, he smirked, "Calm down, boy, you have to wait until tonight for that."

Laughing, I spun him around and we noticed Bella had snuck up onto the stage and the band quieted. Nervously, she stepped up the microphone and everyone stopped and listened.

"Most of you have seen me around, but for those that don't know me, my name is Bella."

Edward looked at me and raised an eyebrow, I shrugged my shoulders. It was a surprise to me as well.

"I've known Edward since he befriended me in Forks years ago. He welcomed me into his world and, reluctantly, so did Jasper. I have had the privilege of watching them grow up and seeing their love blossom as they let me in their circle. As these past years have passed, we have been separated by distance by not by heart. These boys will forever be a part of my life, and my fiancé has been warned that no matter where I am in life, Edward and Jasper will be there as well. What happens to me, happens to them and vise versa." She took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Edward, I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished. You set a goal and reached it, surpassed it even. Congratulations, you deserve every good thing that will surely come your way. Now, because I had no idea what to do what to do for a gift, I asked the band for help. This song is devoted to you and Jasper. He was kind enough to share it with me and well, you both have got a friend in me."

She stepped aside and motioned to the band. The crowd cleared the dance floor, leaving Edward and I there alone. The band began to play and Edward turned to me. After taking my hand, he led me to the center of the floor and wrapped his arms around my neck, his fingers burying in my curls as he put his forehead to mine and sang the song with the band.

"When your down and troubled. And you need a helping hand. And nothing, whoa nothing is going right. Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights. You just call out my name and you know where ever I am I'll come running."

I sang the second verse to him as we held each other tight. There was no one around us, no band, no sounds of the cookout, there was only him. It was an effect of his love, his ability to close me off from the world, to make me so focused that nothing else existed while I was in his presence.

When the song ended, we gradually became aware of those around us and they began dancing with us again. Bella grabbed my hand and to Edward's amazement, we two-stepped, she even let me twirl her. Then Alice insisted I show her the two-step, complete with twirl. At first, it felt odd having her body pressed against me so tightly, one hand on shoulder, the other in my hand while mine rested on her waist. I showed her the basics and after only a few tries, she had the moves and was ready for twirling. We took our two quick steps, I let her go, she spun and came back to me for our two slow steps. Laughing, she looked up at me and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"You know, Jasper. When you first came out, I was upset. Thinking maybe that the entire time you had been with me, you really wanted to be with him. I mean, I know logically, that wasn't how it was, but I couldn't help feeling that way."

"I'm sorry, Alice. I never intended to fall for Edward, it just…I couldn't help it. He's where I belong."

"I know that now, and I'm glad. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. If Edward is the one that makes you happy, then I'm all for it."

"He does, every day." Smiling, she pulled me down and kissed my cheek. We danced in each other embrace for the remainder of the song. Edward came over and took my hand, giving Alice a raised eyebrow.

"Back off, sis, this cowboy's mine," he scolded her. With her tinkling laugh, she flitted off to find her parents. "Mmm," Edward moaned as he took me in his arms.

"Have I ever told you how much I like you all possessive?" I put my hands on his hips and pulled him to me, thrusting into him. Just as he leaned in to kiss me, there was a tap on his shoulder.

"Mind if I cut in?" Peter asked.

"Sure," Edward agreed, reluctantly releasing me, and with a long look and sigh, he turned and walked away. Peter put his hands my hips and I wrapped mine around his neck. "Remember the last time we danced?"

"I do." It had been the night we were attacked.

"Seems so long ago and at the same time, just like yesterday." He grinned at me. "You're almost as hot as you were then."

"Oh, almost?" I chuckled.

"Yeah, but hey, it happens," he continued to tease, and then he turned serious. He glanced over at Edward, who was dancing with Bella. "He's a great guy, Jasper. That day that I told you to get your happily forever after…nice to see you fucking listened to me for once."

"You too. Riley might hate me, but he's good for you."

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "He doesn't hate you, he just…he saw me hurting. It was hard for me. Now, fuck, now, I can't imagine my life without him. We've had some tough times and fucking scary ones, but he's the right one for me. And I fuckin' love him."

"He loves you too, and so do I."

"I love you too, Jasper," he whispered before placing a soft kiss to my cheek. The slow song ended and a faster one began, and we parted, opening up our circle for our friends to join us. Riley quickly made his way to Peter, tossing me a raised eyebrow as he pulled him away. Edward put his hand on my shoulder.

"And you think I'm possessive? I thought I was going to have to hold Riley back when he saw you and Peter dancing," he said as he took my hands and raised them above our heads as he swayed his hips side to side.

"Thank you for letting us dance, I know that's not easy for you."

"It used to be harder, but after all these years, I realize you're not going anywhere and Peter, well, I think I kinda love the fucker too."

We laughed and began jumping up and down with the dance beat. After a few more songs, we sat down for desert and then I made my way to the stage. Everyone quieted as I walked up to the microphone. Edward turned in his seat to watch me, and I saw Bella reach for his hand. Keeping my eyes on his alone, I spoke.

"Edward, where do I begin? I never expected to find love in form of my best friend, but over the years it grew into something bigger than the both of us. And, well, it took me awhile to accept that, to understand it, and in that time I caused you pain. You once told me that you choose me over fear and to this day, I wake up every morning and choose you over everything else. You are my world. I fell in love with a boy that was smart and talented and thoughtful beyond words, I now love a man that is all those things and gets to put the word doctor before his name."

Everyone laughed. Standing there among family and friends I realized how blessed I was.

"Saying I thank you and I love you and congratulations all seem so insignificant. People dream of what you and I have found effortlessly, we are lucky. You forgave me, kept me safe and sound and showed me nothing but love. I am so proud of you, I love you and this is for you."

I walked to the keyboard and sat down. It was different than the piano at our house that I had been practicing for weeks on whenever he was at class or the hospital. It had taken me forever to learn it without his help but I was determined to do it for him. Moving the microphone to me, I began.

"My love,  
There's only you in my life  
The only thing that's bright

My first love,  
You're every breath that I take  
You're every step I make

And I want to share  
All my love with you  
No one else will do...

And your eyes  
Your eyes, your eyes  
They tell me how much you care  
Ooh yes, you will always be  
My endless love

Two hearts,  
Two hearts that beat as one  
Our lives have just begun."

Edward's eyes welled up and he smiled and blushed under my attention, but he never looked away from me. I sang the song for him, to him. When I was done, it was silent as Edward got up from his seat, walked up onto the stage, cupped my face in his hands, wiping away the few tears that had fallen, and kissed me. The clapping started, Peter's whistles were louder than anyone as Edward and I deepened the kiss. Panting, I pulled away and laughed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dr. C with his arm around Mrs. C, their face lit with pride.

Edward pulled the microphone toward him and everyone hushed. "I just want you to all know that Jasper has asked me to marry him and I said yes."

After a second of silent shock, Peter yelled out, "Well about fuckin' time!" Everyone laughed and then another round of cheering. Bella just shook her head and winked at me as I rolled my eyes.

"So, Betty and Jack, ya'll better get ready to host one hella of a wedding reception later this summer, because Jasper and I are gettin' hitched."

"You got it," Betty shouted back. "How about you play something, Edward? We haven't heard you in a long time."

"I agree," Mrs. C spoke up.

"C'mon, they don't get to hear you all the time like I do."

With a sigh, he sat down and looked up at me.

"This is for you, love." My eyes were torn between watching his beautiful face or his skilled hands as they moved over the keys. After a few random notes, the song began to flow from him.

"It's a little bit funny this feeling inside  
I'm not one of those who can easily hide  
I don't have much money but boy if I did  
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no  
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show  
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do  
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song  
It may be quite simple but now that it's done  
I hope you don't mind  
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world…"

I sat next to him on the bench and watched his hands move. Long, delicate fingers that would someday soon save lives, held so much talent and skill. He sang the second verse, and every now and then he would look up and smile at me.

"So excuse me forgetting but these things I do  
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue  
Anyway the thing is what I really mean  
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

I hope you don't mind  
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world…"

When he was finished, I turned him to me and kissed him. "That was beautiful, baby," I whispered for only him.

The party continued and as the day began to fade, I stole Edward and dragged him to the barn. I wanted to celebrate with him alone. I tossed a bridle on one of the horses and led him out to the back field. Edward complained the entire time, but when I sighed and looked at him, he grudgingly jumped on. It wasn't his first time riding, I had taught him a bit, but he was always nervous about it. Swinging my leg up behind him, I wrapped my arms around him and grabbed the reins. In a hurry to make it in time, we crossed the field as a slow lope until we came to the hill. Reining the horse back to walk, we made it to the top just as the sun was about to lower over the horizon.

"Good timing," Edward complimented, laying his head back on my shoulder. "This has been a great party, Jasper, thank you."

"Don't thank me, thank Jack and Betty," I chuckled. The last rays of the sun, amber and scarlet, stretched long tentacles across the sky, reaching out to touch us as day began to succumb to night. "It's beautiful."

"It's perfect," he sighed. "This is perfect." I kissed his neck, nibbling on the skin, enjoying the bolt of pleasure that made him shiver.

"We've been through a lot, huh?"

"Sure have. Remember getting caught with the porn? Seems so long ago." His words echoed Peter's from earlier.

"Me leaving…." I sighed. "I'm sorry I put us through that."

"I'm not," he stated. "I mean, yes it hurt, but if you hadn't done it, we might not be here, Jasper. Being down here that summer scared you, but it also made you realize what you wanted, and who you were. I think it needed to happen, it made us stronger. It made me realize how much I needed you. I knew I loved you, but until you were gone I had no idea how much. When it took effort to get out of bed every single day you were gone, I knew I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life."

"Did you know, Edward? Did you know we'd always be together?" I asked, having wondered the same thing myself. Since that day in geometry, had I known Edward was my lifelong love?

"I hoped, but I didn't know. Not back then anyway. Now, I have no doubt."

"We've made it through high school, college, med school for you…."

He leaned to his side so he could look at me. "I never would have made it through med school without you,"

"Me? What did I do?" I scoffed.

"You were there every step of the way, Jasper. Giving me encouragement, helping me study, keeping me sane with things got crazy. Just loving me…"

"I have something for you," I said nervously as I leaned back and reached into my pocket, pulling out a small velvet box. "Here." I held it in front of him and he took it. Placing my chin on his shoulder I saw him tug his bottom lip between his teeth before he opened it. Part of me wanted to close my eyes so I couldn't see his reaction, fearing I was making assumptions, and part of me wanted to keep it in my memory forever.

The look on his face when saw the two matching titanium bands.

Gasping, he reached out with one finger and ran it across the smooth, bushed black finish with a silver strip in the middle.

"Jasper," he whispered. "They're…beautiful." He was silent as he just stared at the rings.

"If you don't like them, we can exchange them, I just…I thought they were nice," I stuttered, trying to hide my shaky voice. Gripping the box in his hand, he turned his head toward me, his hand cupping my cheek. Capturing my lips with his, he kissed me long and deep and with love. When he pulled away, I wanted more, but settled for the tender skin of his neck.

"They're perfect," he sighed, staring at them again. "Can we get them engraved?"

"Of course. When do you want to get married?" I murmured against his warm skin.

"As soon as possible," he replied.

"Yeah? I mean, I've got the summer off, so it all depends on your schedule at the hospital."

"I think I can get a few days off around the middle of June," he answered, brushing his lips gently over mine.

"Middle of June sounds perfect," I agreed, deepening the kiss. I transferred the reins to one hand and put my other on his stomach, pulling up his shirt so I could graze my fingers along his abdomen, feeling the muscles quiver under the ticklish touch. Shifting his weight, he rubbed his ass against my growing erection while his arm came up around my neck and his fingers threaded through my hair. "Mmm, if you're not careful, I might just take you right here," I threatened.

"Promise?" he challenged. Moaning, I forced my tongue between his lips. When I felt my cock straining against my jeans, I pulled away, and put my forehead to his.

"The things you do to me, Edward," I admitted wantonly. "I always want you so fuckin' much. Will it always be like this? Will it always be you and me, Edward?"

"Forever and always, Jasper," he promised.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~

Thank you to everyone that has read and reviewed this story, thank you for the kind words and the support. While I write for myself, it is nice to know that others have enjoyed it along the way. One review in particular moved me- it was from a woman that was touched so much by the boys that she began to reconsider her previous way of thinking that only love between a man and woman was acceptable. To open someone's mind, to make them think…well, a writer can never ask for anything more, and a review such as that makes all the late nights, the edits and the frustration all worth it. So Mary, if you're still reading, I can't thank you enough for that review.

I had to read through the reviews to in order to find that one and in the process, I realized that almost everyone that reviewed in the first few chapters reviewed the last few chapters as well. A few, but not all are Subtle Pen, Clariredeluneisgreat, Ontheturningaway, Kinney69, Polkadotmama, and imwithemmett. The small, but loyal following Perfectward and Jasper have had has been mind blowing. Words can not express my gratitude, seriously, thank you all.

We're not done yet…there are outtakes and futuretakes, so to speak, to come. Anyone want to see the wedding? I kinda like the idea of the boys up my way!


	19. I'm Yours

**Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.**

A/N- The first outtake for the outtakes! I am posting this outtake today because it was a year ago today (9.11.2009) that this 'story' premiered…and I thought it was fitting to have this particular outtake on this day. There are a few more to come!

My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise, are my own.

As always, huge hugs to Dannie…her reward, some more Perfectward!

"****~~**"**

I'm Yours

Location: Anywhere Edward is (Cherished)

"****~~**"**

You heeled these scars over time  
Embraced my soul  
You loved my mind  
You're the only angel in my life

I may not have the softest touch  
I may not say the words as such  
And though I may not look like much  
I'm yours  
And though my edges may be rough  
And never feel I'm quite enough  
It may not seem like very much  
But I'm yours ~The Script

"**~~**"

"Will you stop?" he sighed for the tenth time in less than five minutes. "I swear, sometimes you are worse than a child."

Reaching over, he covered my hand, stilling my tapping fingers on the hard plastic armrest. Glancing around us, then at him, I felt myself begin to calm. The only reason I hadn't jumped out of my skin, or taken the entire plan hostage until they landed it, was because of him.

Sitting next to me in his beautiful, simple way, he looked amazing, but it was more than that. As always, it was his presence that soothed my inner demons, which at the time were feeling rather airsick. We were surrounded by families, college students, and businessmen, all on their way to….somewhere.

The tiny window next to me was no help. The ground had slipped away under us, empty country squares gradually turning into forests and cities.

I had no fucking clue where we were going. Well, that wasn't entirely true, I had a general idea on what part of the country the plane was heading but I knew nothing more than that.

And it was driving me insane.

Maybe it was the teacher in me, but I had grown accustomed to having things planned; lessons for classes, my schedule, holidays. The last time I had been a fly-by–the-seat-of-my-pants kinda guy was when Bella and I had gone to Texas. Since then I had become rather anal about planning.

Alright, maybe I was anal about a few others things as well, but Edward was my fiancé, couldn't exactly blame me, right?

"Where are we going?" I asked casually, my voice not betraying my racing thoughts.

Or so I had thought.

Lazily, he let his turn toward me and eyed me with the fucking greenest, most beautiful eyes ever.

Seriously,_ ever_.

"I haven't answered that question the last twenty times you've asked, what makes you think I'd answer it now?" he teased.

Shrugging, I tried, really fucking tried, to pull my eyes from his hypnotic ones, but I failed. "Thought maybe you'd slip," I admitted.

He graced me with a crooked grin. "Never. Part of being a doctor," he said, holding out his hand in front of him, fingers splayed and perfectly still. "Steady hands. No slipping."

I looked around us quickly before leaning toward him. "Except when they are slick with lube," I murmured lowly.

He chucked, "Except then." Putting his hand back on his armrest, he yawned. I had no idea how he could be so fucking relaxed.

Then again, _he_ knew where we were going.

"But Edward-" I began but he cut me off.

"And don't even tell me you didn't peek at the ticket when I gave it to you right before we boarded. You know damn well where we're going."

I hung my head, staring up at him through my eyelashes and wisps of hair, hoping my coy look would make him less angry with what I was about to say.

"Boston," I whispered guiltily, making sure to pout my lip afterward.

"I knew it," he said, shaking his head.

"But I don't know why, or where exactly."

Grinning, he winked at me. "And you don't need to know, love. Just trust me."

I sighed heavily, just about to give up. "I trust you…" I paused a beat. "Why are we going to Boston?"

"**~~**"

I think I owed my life to the pilot of Flight 1264 because just when Edward had had enough of me, the pilot came on and announced we were nearing our destination and to make sure we were buckled up and our seats were upright. It would be more difficult for Edward to strangle me if he was contained to his seat.

The plan had landed smoothly, regardless of my imagination going wild with images of it crashing on the runway. Edward's hand had covered mine, his fingers constantly caressing, keeping my heart from completely pounding from my chest.

Gradually, as we headed toward the baggage claim and then to the car rental desk, my heart had begun to return to its preflight rate. It was late afternoon by the time we were in our rented convertible, Edward behind the wheel even after I had begged to drive.

"You just want to drive so I have to tell you where we're going," he laughed at my flimsy excuse.

"You could just tell me what roads to take and not the final destination," I suggested, tossing our bags into the small trunk.

"Nope," he jingled the keys, "I'm driving. You can drive next time."

With a sigh, I got in and he started the car, putting the top down. Immediately the mid-June sun warmed us, and I tilted my head back to soak it in. It wasn't Texas, not even close, but it was nice.

I turned to him as we pulled out of the parking lot. "Ya know, it's warmer up here than I expected."

"It's summer, of course it's warm."

"I just thought, north…cold, ya know?"

"It's not like North Pole north," he said chuckling. "They have four seasons, a beautiful autumn I hear."

The traffic was much heavier than we were used to and apparently using directionals, yielding and stopping were foreign terms to Massachusetts drivers.

"Jesus, they drive like maniacs," I observed, grabbing the bar on the roof near my window once or twice when someone cut in front of us.

"They drive offensive rather than defensive. Perhaps they're all the spawn of demolition derby drivers," Edward suggested.

I began to look around; trying to get some idea he was taking me but all I saw were signs for towns named Peabody and Lynn. "Do you want me to set the GPS?" I asked hopefully.

He glanced at me, one eyebrow seductively arched over his sunglasses. "Nice try."

I sighed.

"You forget I went to med school, Jasper. I'm pretty smart. Plus, I know you like I know myself."

He was right. I knew he wasn't going to tell me anything, but it was fun as hell trying. Reaching over, he took my hand in his, making sure our fingers were wound together.

"Just relax, love. I'll make it up to you later."

"Now you're talking," I sighed and leaned back in my seat.

About an hour and few minor heart attacks later, we pulled into the small parking lot of what appeared to be a hotel. A semicircle of cottages, each one with a small porch and sliding glass door, surrounded a small office. Edward parked and looked at me.

"We're here," he smiled.

"Yeah, but where the hell is here?" I asked, craning my neck to look around. The distinct salty scent of the ocean nearby floated heavily in the air around us.

"New Hampshire. North Hampton to be exact," he finally told me as he opened his door. "Let's go check in."

Getting out, I followed him into the office, which was definitely someone's house. He took my hand as we crossed the lot and I held the door open for him. From behind a counter, a petite woman looked up and greeted us with a smile.

"We're here to check in," Edward said. The woman hit a few keys on the computer.

"Name?"

"Dr. Edward Cullen," he answered.

I swear my cock hardened. It never failed to when he used his title with his name; it was like an aphrodisiac or something. He had begun to tease me that I liked it so much he thought I'd start screaming out "doctor" when I came.

I admit the thought had crossed my mind.

A few hundred times.

Tightening my fingers around his, I cast him a sidelong glance to let him know how hard I was getting. He cleared his throat but kept his eyes on the woman behind the desk.

"Here you are," she said, handing Edward some pamphlets. "These are some local attractions. But of course, the best attraction is right outside your cottage. Maid service is at ten and we have continental breakfast in here starting at seven, coffee, muffins, bagels, the works. Any questions?"

"Just one, did the package arrive?" he asked her cryptically. Her eyes grew wide and she glanced at me.

"Yes, it did, Dr. Cullen. Shall I have it brought to your cottage?"

"Not yet. I'll come tomorrow to pick it up. Thank you," he smiled at her and I swear she melted. His dazzling power knew no limits.

"I hear an accent, where are you from?" she asked as she gave him the keycard.

"Texas," he replied, tapping into the drawl he had, dragging it out more than he usually did to show off.

My doctor with the drawl.

My erection grew.

"Great, well, welcome to the east coast. If you need anything, just let us know. Enjoy your stay," she said as Edward practically dragged me out of the office. Safely outside, he looked at me.

"What was that?"

"What?" I asked innocently.

"You know what, you tease." We stopped at the car and got in.

"What can I say, the _doctor _does something to me," I smiled.

"This doctor is definitely going to do things to you," he chuckled as he backed out of the space and drove to our cottage. We were on the end, furthest from any others and the office. "I got this one in case you do scream," he noted as he put the car into park.

"Is that a promise?"

We got out and Edward popped the trunk. After pulling out the bags, we carried them to the door and Edward opened it. The inside was as quaint at the outside. There was a small living room with a couch, desk and television. To the left was the kitchen with a small table and breakfast bar and taking up the entire back of the cottage was the bedroom. Placing his suitcase down, Edward grabbed my hand and led me through the living room to the bedroom.

It was simply…amazing.

The room was nothing like the rest of the place, it was as big as the other two rooms combined, bright, airy with a king size four poster bed against one wall, a gauzy fabric was attached to each post, draping between them. A television hung on the wall opposite the bed over a dresser. The best part was the sliding glass door that opened onto a deck. Barely letting me see the bedroom, he opened the glass and pulled me out onto the deck.

"Oh my God," I said in awe as I stepped out. "Edward, it's….it's…"

"I know, right?" he beamed. We stood there overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, deep blue and sea green mingling together for as far as we could see. White foam gathered at the crest of each wave before it came crashing down, crawling over the sand until it was pulled back out again. The sound of them was beautiful, rhythmic and relaxing.

It was darker than the Gulf, bluer then the Pacific.

Standing behind me, he wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Good choice?" he asked as we watched the sea gulls swoop down to the sand, touching it briefly before taking flight again.

Reaching up behind me, I weaved my fingers into his hair as I turned my face to him and crushed his lips to mine. Soft and hard, full and tasty, his lips covered mine eagerly, just as wanting as they had been the first time we had kissed on his bed all those years ago. Moaning into the kiss, I let him support my weight and plunged my tongue into his wet mouth. When I felt his hand skim over my growing erection, I jumped and broke the kiss.

"People will see," I worried, looking around.

"So? We're engaged," he laughed. "Are you worried they will think you are taking advantage of me?"

While I had grown more comfortable with being out, able to freely hold hands in public, kiss and let the world know he was mine, the more sexual acts still frightened me, images of Peter and me in a dark alley always flashing before me.

Afraid that if someone saw us that didn't care for our 'lifestyle', they would react the same way the guys in Texas had.

"Love, you have to get over it," he sighed, dropping his hand from my cock. "Besides, were in New Hampshire, not Texas. It's more accepted up here."

"I'm sorry," I apologized, looking back over the ocean. "I know, I just…"

"Get scared," he finished for me. "How about a walk on the beach?"

I nodded and sat down one of the chairs on the deck to pull off my boots and socks while Edward did the same. Standing, he took my hand in his, glancing at me for permission before tugging me down the steps and onto the sand. We were practically alone on the beach, only one other couple walking a few hundred yards in front of us.

"It really is beautiful here," I murmured looking around. A few scattered cottages lined the shore, most of them with decks leading right onto the sand, which was rough and hot beneath my bare feet. Edward released my hand and ran toward the edge of the water, almost squealing like a girl when his feet came in contact with the frigid ocean.

"Jesus," he yelped, "fucking cold."

Laughing, I watched as he tip-toed through the ebbing tide.

"Ah, that's better," he sighed, finally able to stand in water up to his ankles, the bottoms of his jeans darkening from the small waves.

"Is it getting warmer?" I asked, slowly making my way to him.

"I can't tell, my feet are numb," he chuckled. "Come on in."

Braving the cold, I rolled up the cuffs of my jeans and walked into the water to meet him.

"Shit," I jumped when the first wave cascaded over my feet.

"Well, you did say you expected it to be cold up here," he reminded me.

"I meant the air, not the water."

Reaching out, he took my hand again and we began walking along the water's edge. The sun was low in the sky to our right, almost over the horizon, the last rays casting fractions of light in Edward's hair, bringing out the different shades of bronze and copper. When he turned to me, his eyes sparkled, every shade of green ever existed dancing in them.

He was breathtaking.

"You're beautiful," I said, staring at him as we walked. I had told him those same words, or some variation of them, almost daily, and they never failed to bring at least a hint of color to his cheeks. If I said them in public, the blush deepened. "You are, you know."

"Jasper," he whined, rolling his eyes dramatically. Then without warning, he let go of my hand and bolted, running full speed along the edge of the water, spraying it up behind him as I darted to catch up. I was the runner between us, but Edward was fucking fast in a short distance.

However, he lacked endurance and I caught up to him quickly, wrapping my arms around his waist from behind. Lifting him into the air, I almost lost my balance as I swung us around in a circle. In my grasp, I felt his sides heaving from the run, his laughter was loud and complete as he pleaded through panted breaths for me to put him down.

I was also the stronger of the two.

"Please," he begged, laughing.

"Okay," I said, carrying him toward the water until we were almost waist deep.

"Don't you fucking do it," he warned me though a smile, shaking his head. I wiggled my eyebrows and then tossed him into the icy water. Just as I turned to run, he reached out and caught my shirt, jerking me back to him. Losing my balance, I let out a sound between a laugh and grunt as I fell backwards and into the water next to him. Without the pressure of classes, he was more carefree than I'd seen him in years. Though I knew it was only short lived, soon the stress of residency would bear its weight on him.

"Fuck, that's cold," I jumped upright, immediately heading for the shore. Edward grabbed me again, keeping me from getting too far.

"Stay," he said.

As if I wouldn't.

Turning to him, I lowered myself back into the water until I was on my knees with him.

"See, not so bad once you get used to it," he observed.

"I don't think we got used to it, I think it froze us." I had a hard time moving my eyes past where his tee shirt was plastered to his chest.

"Jasper, my eyes are up here," he scolded as he splashed water at my face to get my attention.

I winked and half apologized. "Sorry, baby."

"I think it's rather refreshing." He lay back just as a wave crashed over him. Coming up after the wave had gone by, he shook his head, droplets of water trailing from his hair down his face and neck, over his collarbone…

I licked my lips.

"I think we should get out, too much cold water isn't good for the body," I said, trying to think of an excuse to get Edward out of the water and into the bed.

"Oh, really?" He didn't buy it.

"Yep." I nodded for more realism. "Haven't you ever heard what cold water does to your cock?"

He sighed, and then replied, "Of course, but, love, I'm so huge a little shrinkage isn't a bad thing."

Laughter bubbled up and out of me as he stared at me.

"It's true," he reiterated seriously.

"Well, not all of us are so well endowed, so we should get out before my cock disappears," I reasoned, standing up and turning around. Even without the sound of the splashing water, I knew he was right behind me. I half expected him to drag me back in, but he didn't. Instead he caught up, grabbed my hand, gave my cold cheek a quick kiss and then walked out of the water with me.

At the cottage we stepped onto the deck and Edward stripped his shirt off, laying it over the railing before reaching for the button on his jeans. When he looked up and saw me gaping at him, he just winked.

"It's not like they haven't seen less. They're just like swim trunks," he shrugged, not even looking around to see if anyone was watching.

"Swim trunks don't cling to your ass like tho-" I lost my train of thought when he turned around and bent over to pull his jeans off. "Jesus fucking Christ."

I grabbed his hips and pulled him to me, pressing my erection to him through my heavy, wet jeans. Stilling when my hands were on him, he moaned and stood up, pressing his back to my chest. Resting my forehead on his shoulder blade, I reached around and felt his erection, so enthralled with him that I didn't care if anyone saw us.

"We need to get inside…now," I released him, peeling off my shirt and jeans to hang them over the railing with his. Eagerly, I followed him inside, closing the screen and letting the ocean breeze play with the curtains. He turned to face me, but I pushed him onto the bed, delighted in the way he bounced before settling back. Perching himself up on his elbows, he licked lips and watched as I hooked my thumbs into my soaked briefs and tugged them down my body.

"My favorite part," he mumbled, his eyes fixated every move I made, my cock twitching under their intense gaze. Even if I was fully dressed, I never felt more naked than when he watched me, the way he could look into my soul. They way he could just…see me, all of me, was unnerving and comforting at the same time. Kicking off the briefs, I took my erection into my hand and pumped it a few times, letting out a long moan for his pleasure.

"Definitely my favorite part," he smirked, his gaze steady on the movement of my hand over my cock.

"More than fucking?"I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"My favorite part up until you touch me," he compromised. I leaned down and without me asking, he lifted his hips and I grabbed the waistband of his underwear and pulled them over his hips, revealing his beautiful cock.

"Dry ones come off so much faster," I laughed as I forced the cotton down his thighs and over his knees until they fell to the floor. "Mmm, much better," I said as I dropped between his spread legs, placing my hands on his knees, I pushed them further apart and leaned forward.

"Oh, fuck," he said even before my tongue touched his balls, languidly bathing them with long laps. Inhaling, I took his musky scent deep into my lungs, letting it sit there and fill me before inhaling again. Taking my time, my tongue darted out and taste the inside of his thighs, the remnants of salt water mixed with the flavor of Edward that I loved so much. With my lips pressed against the base of his cock, I moaned, letting the vibrations travel through him.

"Fuck!" he yelled, falling onto his back and spreading his legs even wider.

Knowing what he wanted without him asking, I nuzzled his sac with my nose and dragged my tongue along the soft skin behind his balls before reaching his hole.

"Up, baby," I murmured, tapping his knee. Lifting both legs, he planted his feet flat on the edge of the bed and I grabbed his hips, pulling him closer to my face. Spread before me, I plunged my tongue into his entrance.

"Oh my God, oh my God," he repeated in a rusty, deep voice. My groans were muffled by his warm flesh as I continued to tongue fuck him. Unable to stop himself, he shamelessly pressed his ass into my face, begging for more.

"Yeah, fuck….Jas…there…yeah…oh…right…"

He made no sense and my heart raced with the pleasure I was giving him, the way he let go so completely with me. I released his hip with one hand and moved it to his cock, stroking a few times, feeling the fluid as it seeped from the slit. Between his wanton movements and guttural moans, I knew he was ready.

But I wanted to give him more.

"What…dinner…about…eat…" he gasped in broken words. Glancing up over his taut abdomen, I saw his eyes clenched shut as he fought to maintain control. Beautiful tufts of hair stuck up straight as his hands fisted the bedspread.

"Baby, you _are_ my dinner," I replied with a smirk.

"Fuck me," he moaned, opening his eyes to look down at me.

"Oh, I intend to," I promised. "Though I should tease you for not telling me where we were going today. Payback is a bitch."

He lifted his head. "You wouldn't!"

I let him worry for a minute, my touch remaining nothing more than light, teasing caresses.

"As if I could," I smiled.

I didn't top him often but when I did, it drove us both insanely quick to orgasm. The euphoria we both received when I took him and fucked him, the possessiveness we both felt was an ecstasy that we shared. There was something so soul baring, powerful, and touching something so deep in me, that it drained my energy for hours.

That day on his bed looking at porn so many years ago, I never would have expected that someday I would have my tongue in his ass, and love it.

Moving up from his hole, I caressed his balls with my lips briefly before taking his cock into my mouth. His hips jerked off the bed reflectively and I put my hands back on them to keep him still while I devoured him. Every ridged and vein was traced by my tongue, my lips sliding over his silky skin easily as I bobbed my head up and down his length.

"Wanna fuck your face, love," he begged, and I felt his hips resisting my grip. Not one to deny him anything, I released his cock and hips. Instantly, he was standing in front of me, his cock back into my willing mouth, his hands in my hair, twisting it tightly as he held me still and began to thrust impatiently. "Fuck, yeah, take it, Jasper, take it all."

I fucking loved it when he talked like that. The quiet Dr. Cullen that everyone saw everyday wasn't the same one that came home and fucked me. He was a bit domineering, confident, and hotter than fuck. At the same time, he was also sweet and tender and loving. I loved that there was a part of him that no one saw but me, that he reserved for my eyes and ears only.

I could honestly say the cold water theory didn't apply to Edward; his cock was just as big as before. Forcing off my gag reflex, I relaxed as much as I could and felt him tap the back of my throat a few times. Admittedly, I was proud of myself, I had come so far since my first blowjob in the kitchen of our old house. Erratically, his hips thrust forward, his head lolled back and his fingers entwined in my waves.

"God, love, gonna come, so good, so hot, love fucking your mouth."

I glanced up through my hair and saw him staring down at me with a look of pure bliss. Softly, he brushed my hair back so he could see my eyes and mouthed 'I love you' before letting my hair fall back into place.

"So hot seeing those lips wrapped around my cock," he moaned.

Hollowing my cheeks, I sucked hard around him as he pushed forward and I felt him twitch in me, precum sliding down my throat, his orgasm wasn't far behind. He just needed one more push. My own cock throbbed with want as I moaned around him and at the same time swiped my middle finger over the head of my cock, gathering some fluid. Reaching up, I tugged on his balls before I palmed them and let my slickened middle finger slide back to his entrance. He growled and spread his legs, his thrusts into my mouth becoming less rhythmic and more erratic. I teased him with shallow pumps of my finger before reaching in deeper and brushing the tip along his gland.

"Fuck, gonna come, more, more," he rasped.

A few more taps with my finger and his cock was twitching in my mouth, the sweet rapture flooded him and he cried out, his entire body stilling except for his cock jerking in my mouth as he came. The taste of his thick, warm cum grew and slid down my throat as I swallowed around him hungrily, pulling his orgasm from him. Grunting, he held my head for balance as his climaxed overtook him. Moving quickly, I grabbed his hips, holding him steady as he began to sway.

"Amazing," he whispered, pulling his hips back and letting himself slip from my mouth. Stumbling, he fell back onto the bed. Satisfied, I watched his chest raise rapidly, his softening cock still seeping, his balls still tightly drawn up, his nipples still hard.

Still beautiful.

Ten years later and he still did things to me that no one else ever would. Even without touching me, he brought me to heights I never would have imagined, emotionally, physically. The chemistry between us had never lessened, if anything it had increased with the knowledge we gained about each other's bodies. We could tease and taunt for hours, riding the edge of pleasure together, or we knew how to get each other off in less than five minutes. I knew exactly where to touch him, what places worked him into a quick frenzy.

"Ready for me to fuck you, baby?" I stood, my cock aching as stepped toward him.

"Always," he slurred blissfully, pushing himself onto his knees. Walking over to the stand, I opened my suitcase and pulled out the lube and a condom. He waited for me in the middle of the bed, sitting back on his heels, his eyes watching me over his shoulder. Crawling up behind him, I popped the lube open and drizzled some on my fingers before putting a hand on his shoulder to push him forward. Displaying his ass for me, he arched his back and hung his head while my fingers entered him. I eased them into him, gently spreading him, readying him for me. "Love," he pleaded, and I withdrew them.

He wanted me as much as I did him, needed me inside him, connecting us once again. I leaned over for the condom, but his hand was on my wrist, stopping me. Confused, I looked at him.

"No more," he said, motioning to the condom. "You and I will always be together. I want to feel you, love, _all _of you, in me."

I swallowed hard and bit my lip, my heart racing at the thought of being bare with him. It had been something I had fantasized about, but honestly, wearing a condom was second nature, and I never expected it to be any other way.

"Please," he implored. "I love you, Jasper. I'm yours forever, let's do this."

Tearing my eyes from him, I glanced at the foil package on the bed. Picking it up with trembling fingers, I held it, shaking my head slightly as the enormity of what he was asking spun in my brain. It meant there would not be another for either of us.

He was right. We were each other's forever, if not legally, certainly emotionally and physically.

Bringing my eyes back to his, I smiled and tossed the condom off the bed, picking up the lube instead. He released a moan and reached for my cock, stroking it and spreading the lube that I poured liberally over it.

"Ready?" he asked me when I should have been asking him, and I nodded. He went to all fours, bracing himself as I gripped his hip with one hand and placed my naked cock at his entrance. Taking a deep breath, I pushed forward, the flare of the head sliding past his tight muscle as I slowly entered him.

"Oh God," he moaned, dropping his head down and spreading his knees more. "Come on, babe, all of you."

No longer able to resist, to hold off on what I had been dying to know for so long, I thrust forward, sinking myself deep in his ass. A warm tightness embraced my cock, and I felt _everything_, every twitch of his muscles as his body accepted mine, every inch inside him.

"Oh my God," he panted.

"Edward," I breathed with all that he was.

We were one in almost every way.

"C'mere," I drawled. Keeping myself seated in him, I tugged on his shoulders, pulling him up so his back was flush with my chest and he was sitting on my thighs. The change in position let me slide even deeper into him, the head of my cock swelling with want already. Reaching behind him, he wrapped an arm around my neck, his fingers diving into my hair as I turned my head and captured his lips with mine.

"Need you," he moaned into the kiss. Flicking my tongue against his, I emitted a strangled cry as I finally began to thrust. One arm wrapped around his chest, my fingers splayed on his heated flesh to keep him to me while my other gripped his hip to help him move on top of me.

With labored breaths, he broke the kiss. "Love, I feel you, oh my God, I can feel all of you. It's amazing."

Unable to reply, I nodded, panting, as I fucked him.

Carnal.

Raw.

Bare.

With each movement of our bodies together, we released moans and grunts from our efforts. Hands gripped hair and sweat slickened flesh as we slid together.

When he sensed my rhythm faltering, he began to take over, riding me wildly. Everything about his body was tight; his abdomen muscles flexing under my hand, his nipples pebbling when I pinched them and his ass around my cock. I dropped my forehead to his shoulder, telling him I was close, the tingling of the coil was low in my groin, ready to spring.

We each had our buttons to push, and he knew which ones I needed.

"Fuck me hard, Jasper. Feel so good buried in me, so thick, come on, babe, come for me. Let me hear you scream," he murmured, his body never ceasing. I felt his arm moving and knew he was stroking himself, bringing himself to another climax. "Gonna come again for you, love. Fuck my ass."

A few more pumps and I felt his body tense again, grunting as his cock shot thick streams of cum onto the bed. His head fell back onto my shoulder while I watched over his. The spasm of his ass around my cock enticed my own orgasm and I couldn't hold off any longer.

"Baby," I began, the word I really wanted to say sitting on the tip of my tongue.

"Say it," he coaxed me, his essence enveloping me. My body stilled and my orgasm ripped through me savagely.

"Doctor," I screamed loudly, grunting with each pulse of my cock as it released seed deep inside Edward, filling _him_ and not a condom. The sweet feeling of my climax reverberated throughout me, leaving no nerve untouched. Sated, we both collapsed onto the bed in a sweaty, limp mess. Beyond our heavy breaths, we heard the crashing waves and something else that sounded oddly like clapping and cheering.

"Sounds fun, Doctor," someone yelled from outside.

"Do you make house calls?" a woman asked. I immediately hid my head in Edward's neck.

"Guess we should have closed the door," he giggled.

"Oh my God," I mumbled, "how embarrassing."

I felt his shoulder shrug. "At least they know I'm a good fuck, and we put on a good show. Should we tell them we're here all week?"

After I slapped his shoulder, I shifted my hips, my sensitive cock slid from his ass and I hissed at the sensation. He lay in front of me, his back still stuck to my chest, my arms still around him. As our heart rates returned to normal, I brushed my lips along his shoulder to the bend in his neck. Idly, my fingers traced and teased his nipples, enjoying the quivers that passed through his body.

"Thank you, Jasper. For…for doing what I wanted. For trusting me."

My cheeks heated even more. "Oh, it was my pleasure," I grinned. "You will return the favor?"

"Most definitely."

We lay still for a few moments, enjoying the comfort of each other and the sounds of the beach outside.

"Baby, not that I'm complaining, but why are we here?" I asked between the kisses I left along his soft skin. He scooted back, pressing his used ass against me. He glanced over his shoulder and let his fingers stroke the backs of my hands while I played with him.

"Just wanted a vacation before the rush of my residency began. Things are going to get crazy in a few weeks and I thought some downtime would be nice."

"But why here, why not Seattle to visit Bella or our parents?"

Loosening my embrace, he turned in my arms, curling his body to fit mine, slinging a leg over my thigh he pulled me close. "Simple. I wanted you all to myself. No parents, no Bella, just you and me."

"Mm, that's nice, thank you," I leaned forward the small distance and gave him a kiss.

"Besides, we just saw them at graduation."

My fingers found their way back to his nipples. "You know what?"

"Hmmm?"

"I think you should get your nipples pierced," I suggested casually, trying not to let him know just how serious I was.

"Seriously?" he laughed.

"Yep." I bit my lip before speaking again. "It'd be so fucking hot. You've got a gorgeous chest and it would be something I could tug and pull. Drive you crazy."

"You already drive me crazy. Everything about you drives me crazy, Jasper."

I stared into the eyes of my lover, my boyfriend, my soul mate and saw myself reflected back at me. Everything I ever wanted was within my reach, my entire life rested in his heart. It had taken me awhile to realize it, that it was him that I wanted, that I needed, but once I had, I wondered how I had ever doubted us. All that I ever wanted was lost and then found, and it was all in him.

"I love you," I blurted out, blushing a bit at my emotions. His fingers caressed my cheek and he smiled.

"I love you, too, Jasper, so very much."

"Can I ask you something?" Nodding, he kept his eyes on mine, but I felt his hands wondering over my skin, leaving goose bumps in their wake. "What if I don't make a good husband? What if I fuck it up?" My voice shook even though I tried to hide my insecurity.

"Impossible," he said confidently as his fingers weaved through my hair, playing with the ends.

"But what if I let you down?"

"No. Jasper, you could never let me down, ever. You'll make a wonderful husband, love."

"You will too."

He grinned. "I know. What can I say, I'm perfect."

"That you are, baby," I sighed, wrapping my hand around his neck to pull him to me for a long, deep kiss.

The sun had long since set, outside our room was engulfed in darkness. Edward and I lay naked on the bed, basking in each other and enjoying the rhythmic sound of the waves as the tide came in. Occasionally we could hear voices from people walking by but for the most part, we were alone. We kissed, we held, we talked, our bodies slowly recuperating from our fucking. We thought about going out for dinner, but lying in each other's arms seemed more important than food.

At some point, we fell asleep. I heard Edward's breaths even out, his lips parted a bit. The last thing I saw before my own eyes drifted closed was his beautiful face.

"Love you," I mumbled as I fell into the slumber that had wanted to claim me.

"**~~**"

The room was warm, the sun already up and streaming thickly through the sheer curtains of the sliding glass door, and I woke up to Edward's lips on my cock. I grabbed his hair, thrusting hard into his wet, hot mouth. Clenching my eyes, I felt his moans before I heard them, the bed jolting a bit from the way he was grinding his hips into it, seeking friction for his own cock.

"Fucking, God," I yelped when his fingers tugged at my sac as he swallowed around me. "Baby, so good, so fucking good."

Tightening my hold on his hair, I lifted my hips to meet his bobbing head, the way his lips slid over my rigid shaft bringing me to the edge quickly.

"Wanna hear you come," I told him and then felt his hips moving faster against the polyester bedspread. Releasing me, he rested his forehead on my thigh, his warm gasps washing over my fluttering hips. Stroking his head, I lifted mine to watch his body move. We had slept naked and uncovered all night; nothing hindered my view of his lithe body working himself to his orgasm. "That's it, come on, feels so good, come on, baby."

I saw one of his hands go under his body while the other remained wrapped around my cock. Thrusting his hips one last time, his body tensed and he let out a long grunt before his hips jerked and I knew he was coming, shooting his cum over the bed and himself.

"Yes, oh God, yes," he whimpered loudly.

Watching Edward get off was always so fucking hot, but his desperation then, the fact that he had barely touched himself was enough to bring to the brink even without his mouth on me. I felt his hand begin to pump me before he lifted his head and returned his mouth to my cock, lapping it once before crawling up my body until he was lying flush on top of me. The cum on his stomach spread between us, his semi- hard cock rubbing against my own aching one while his lips came crushing down onto mine. After tasting me, he moved his lips along my unshaven jaw and down my neck.

"So good," he mumbled against me, his hips grinding into mine, long upward thrusts pressed me into the mattress. "Wanna come?"

"Yeah," I gasped, one hand tugging his hair awhile the other gripped his shoulder, digging my nails into his pliable flesh. "Close."

"Shoot your load on me," he told me as he gradually eased himself down and shifted to the side of my body. Reaching down, I grabbed my cock, pumping myself hard and fast. Edward kissed my abdomen, licked my hipbone, and caressed my balls with his fingers. "Watch," he told me.

I lifted my head, my lip so tight between my teeth I thought I might bleed. I saw my own hand stroking, and Edward watching, his eyes dark with lust. He didn't even realize he was touching himself again.

"Coming," I growled as my cock twitched. Edward grabbed my hand, closing his eyes and opening his mouth, and directed my cock, cum erupting from it and onto his face, marking his cheek, nose and lips, his tongue immediately darted out to lick it off. Seeing his beautiful face streaked with creamy cum made my orgasm even longer and I groaned as I kept fucking my hand. "Fucking, oh my God, Jesus, baby." I fell back; gulping air as I finally released my cock, my entire body completely relaxed.

He climbed back up me, laying his head on my shoulder.

"Shower?" he asked and I nodded.

After we showered and dressed, we grabbed our wallets and the keys and headed to the car to go get some breakfast. We walked by another couple coming out of the cottage nearest to ours. They nodded hello and grinned knowingly at us.

Leaning to Edward, I returned their smile and whispered in his ear. "Do you think that's them?"

"Who?"

"The ones that heard us?"

He glanced back at them and laughed. "Maybe. Perhaps they want an encore."

"We can give them one later," I suggested. As we were getting into the car, a flash of long brown hair across the parking lot caught my eye and I stood by the car squinting behind my sunglasses at the familiar looking person.

"Jasper?" Edward asked from inside the car. Shaking my head, I got in and put the key in the ignition, Edward had been true to his word and was going to let me drive. "Something wrong?" he asked when I kept glancing out the rear window.

"No, but I swear I just saw Bella."

He laughed. "Probably just her evil twin. We've all got them, ya know."

"Yeah, I guess. Weird though."

I started the car and Edward directed me toward the quaint town of Portsmouth. We spent a few hours shopping in little stores, walking along the docks to see the tugboats and touring a rose garden. We ate lunch on a ferry, the ocean breeze keeping the summer heat at bay.

"It's really the best of both worlds here. The warm sun and ocean breeze without the dreariness of Seattle," I said as crushed the lobster claw and pulled the tender meat out.

"It is beautiful," he sighed, looking out over the water. He looked adorable with his plastic lobster bib on.

"You miss Seattle," I observed. Glancing at me, he debated on how to respond and he finally shrugged.

"I miss the ocean, but I've grown to love Texas. It's my home now."

I smiled at him, appreciating his honesty. "We can live anywhere ya know. I will go wherever you want to go. If you want to move back to Seattle, or here…"

"Honestly?"

I nodded, not really bracing myself, because I knew without a doubt that I'd be happy anywhere as long as he was with me.

"I've thought about it, and I did have an ulterior motive coming up here. We're only an hour north of Boston, which has some of the best hospitals in the world. I thought maybe we could check some of them out. I'd probably still have to finish my residency in Texas but after that," he paused. "You've mentioned going back to school for your master's, and well, they have fantastic colleges up here too."

I took a deep breath, not surprised by his words but digesting them before I spoke. "You name it, Edward. You moved to Texas for me, and I will forever be grateful. If you want to move up here, then so do I."

"Really?" he grinned, relief flooding his eyes.

"Really."

"Well, like I said, I will probably have to finish up my residency in Austin but once that's over…"

"If you got a residency up here would you want to move sooner?" I asked as I dipped the lobster meat into some melted butter. I sucked the meat into my mouth, the butter dribbling down my chin.

"Yeah, I think I would. Especially if you eat lobster more often."

"Then let's do it. Let's visit the hospitals, talk to whoever you need to talk to and see what happens. I can teach anywhere." I reached across the table and took his hand, giving it a squeeze. "Anywhere," I reiterated.

"I love you," he whispered. I couldn't help but grin, the warmth spreading in me, swelling in my chest.

"I love you, too."

After lunch we walked through a park, holding hands and stealing the occasional kiss. Edward bought me flowers from a stand on the street corner and made me try some Boston cream pie from a coffee shop. It was late afternoon we headed back to the cottage and I collapsed onto the bed while Edward went to the office. I barely recognized our door opening and closing. Less than a minute later, Edward was tugging my boots off.

"We got to get ready," he mumbled. Lazily, I sat up and yawned.

"Baby, nap first, dinner later, okay?" I fell back onto the bed.

"Nope. Get ready," he repeated. "I've got something special for you to wear."

Intrigued, I sat up and looked to the chair where he pointed. Lying over the back of it was a beautiful grey suit and lavender shirt.

"Where'd that come from?"

…_did the package arrive?_

He shrugged and went into the bathroom, grabbing a suit that looked almost exactly like the one sitting on the chair.

"Wait," I said, jumping off the bed and following him, only to be met with a closed door.

"Get dressed," he demanded, his voice muffled by the door. Sulking, I went to the suit and picked it up. It was silky and felt fucking expensive. I peeled off my tee shirt and undid my jeans, standing there in my briefs, I yelled to Edward.

"Should I shower?"

"Nah, we can do it later."

"Umm, okay," I mumbled and picked up the shirt, pushing my arms through the sleeves."Why aren't you getting dressed out here? You're acting like a bride," I chuckled. I was just doing up the pants when the bathroom door swung open and Edward stepped out.

"Jesus," I whispered, staring at him. His suit was the same shade as mine but his shirt was a light gray instead of purple. The cut of the suit was perfect, stretching across his shoulders and fitted at his waist. "You look amazing."

"Thanks," he smiled. "So will you once you're done." He motioned for me to hurry.

"What's the rush, reservations?" I sat on the bed and pulled on my cowboy boots.

"Sorta." He turned to me and laughed at my boots. "You can take the cowboy out of Texas but you can't take Texas out of the cowboy."

"Damn straight," I agreed. Standing, I grabbed the suit coat and slipped it on. Posing for him, I asked, "How do I look?"

"Breathtaking," he said seriously. "Let's go." He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the deck.

"Baby, I haven't brushed my hair or anything," I complained, following him.

"You're perfect just like that."

"Why are we going out here?"

"I want to walk with you on the beach, show you off before dinner."His hand held mine unusually tight, and I leaned into his weight.

"I think I'm showing you off," I said and smiled at a few other people we passed. He laughed and tugged me closer.

"Hey, love?"

"Yeah?"

"You know you are everything to me, right?"

"Yeah."

"Trust me?"

"Always."

"Good," he sighed and then pointed up ahead of us. Following his arm, I saw a few people gathered by some rocks about twenty yards ahead. One of them had long, brown hair.

"Oh my God," I whispered, squinting to make sure I wasn't seeing things. "It _was_ Bella?" I looked at Edward but other than wearing a shit eating grin, he didn't say a word. "Why is she here?"

A flash of black hair and cowboy boots. A tall man standing proud next to one of the sweetest women in the world.

"Peter? Dad? Esme?" Stunned, I almost tripped and had it not been for Edward's steady hand, I probably would have. "Baby, what's going on?"

By then everyone had turned and watched us approached. Edward remained silent until we were almost standing in front of them. Esme had tears in her eyes, my father had his arm around my mother and Dr. C was grinning ear to ear.

"Hey," Bella greeted, throwing herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck. Still shocked, I returned the hug.

"Hey, Mom, Dad," I said over Bella's head. She released me and moved to Edward, but Peter took her place, pulling me into a tight hug.

"About fucking time," he murmured in my ear.

"For what?" I asked, completely confused. He stepped back and eyed me, glancing at Edward.

"You didn't tell him?" Peter asked him and Edward grinned.

"Tell me what?" Before I got complete frustrated, Edward took my hand.

"Jasper, a few months ago you asked me to marry you and I said yes. Well, I _really _hope you meant it because this is our wedding."

"What?" I asked, looking around. Everyone looking back at me confirmed it. They were there to witness our wedding. "A wedding? _Our_ wedding? Seriously, our _wedding_? A wedding. We're getting married? You and me? Married? Like legally wed? Til death do us part married?" I rattled endlessly.

"Love?" He tugged on my hand. Shaking my head, I turned to him. "You okay? This okay?"

I was surrounded by my closest friends and family, and I was going to marry the man I loved. He wanted to marry me, not just say it, but actually do it, be legally bound together as one. It was all I could ever want, what was there to not be okay about?

"It's perfect," I replied, kissing his forehead. I felt the relief flood him and he gripped my hand tighter. "Let's do this."

Hand in hand we took a step forward. My parents stood to our left while Edward's parents were to our right. Peter stood off to my side and Bella stood off to Edward's. A woman smiled at us, a small book opened in her hands.

"Welcome," she began, smiling at us. I felt Edward's grip tighten around my hand and I returned it. My heart beat was even, I had no doubt I was doing the right thing. "We are gathered together here to join Edward and Jasper together in marriage, to celebrate their love and lifelong commitment to each other."

I heard a few sniffles behind me and I glanced to my parents. My mother smiled, and while my dad would never understand how I felt about Edward, he was there.

"To this moment, Edward and Jasper bring the fullness of their hearts as their treasure to share with one another. They bring their dreams, which will bind them together. They bring their personality and spirit, which is uniquely their own, out of which will grow the reality of their life together. They will share successes and failures, health and sickness, sadness and joy. Together, their souls will unite as one. This relationship stands for love, loyalty, honesty and trust, but most of all for friendship. Before they knew love, they were friends, and it was from this seed of friendship that is their destiny. Do not think that you can direct the course of love – for love, if it finds you worthy, shall direct you."

Next to me, Edward took a deep breath and glanced up at me.

"The couple will recite their own vows."

Taking both my hands in his, we turned to each other and he began, his voice confident and smooth. "Jasper, the day you walked into my world will always be the happiest of my life, except for maybe today. There have been others that have rivaled it, but that is the one defining moment that led you to me and to our lives together. Since then, I have never even looked at another. You have owned my heart, my soul and my body. My life is yours, my heart is yours. Always, Jasper."

I panicked when I realized I had no vows prepared, but as I looked at my lover, his eyes shiny with unshed tears and full of pure love, I spoke from my heart.

"Baby," I said, using my nickname for him. "You're my everything. My best friend, lover, soul mate. You made me into the man I am today. For awhile I was confused, but it was you that showed me the way, had the faith to come after me, to make me choose you over fear. I know if I ever break again, you will be there to put me back together. Every day I am so thankful I have you in my life. Nothing will every compare to the way I feel about you. I will love you for all my days. Forever, Edward."

We turned to face the justice of the peace.

"Do you, Edward, take Jasper to be your husband, to live together in matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart's deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him as long as you both shall live?"

"I will," he replied, grinning at me.

"Do you, Jasper, take Edward to be your husband to live together in matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart's deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him as long as you both shall live?"

"I will," I answered proudly. The woman looked at Peter.

"What tokens of their spoken vows to they offer?"

Peter stepped forward and handed her our wedding rings. I raised an eyebrow at Edward and he winked.

"These two lives are now joined, wherever they go, may they always return to one another. May these two find in each other the love for which all aspire. May they grow in understanding and compassion. May the home which they establish together be a place that many will find a friend. May these rings on their fingers symbolize the touch of the spirit of love in their hearts."

She handed Edward my ring and he took my left hand, putting the ring at the top of my ring finger. Briefly, I saw an engraving on the inside of the band as he began to slide it down.

"Edward, will you give your ring to Jasper and repeat these words: I give you this ring as a reminder of the promises we exchanged today."

"Jasper, I give you this ring as a reminder of the promises we exchanged today."

"Jasper, will you give your ring to Edward and repeat these words: I give you this ring as a reminder of the promises we exchanged today."

Taking the ring she handed to me, I gripped Edward's hand, slowly sliding the silver band down his ring finger, his eyes never leaving mine as I spoke to him.

"Edward, I give you this ring as a reminder of the promises we exchanged today."

"May you always share with each other the gifts of love, be one in heart and in mind, may you always create a home together with love, generosity and kindness. In as much as Edward and Jasper have consented together in marriage before this company of friends and family, and have pledged their faith and declared their unity by giving and receiving a ring, are now joined. You have pronounced yourselves husband and husband, but remember to always be each other's best friend."

I stared at Edward as she spoke, my heart racing as she neared the words I had longed to hear. And there on a beautiful summer evening with the ocean waves as our music, we were wed.

"And so, by the power vested in me by the State of New Hampshire, I now pronounce you husband and husband, and may your days be good and long upon the earth. You may now kiss."

Glowing, Edward turned to me, his fingers reaching up to wipe the tears that had rolled down my cheeks away before wrapping his hand around my neck and pulling me to him for our first married kiss. Soft lips pressed against mine, sweet tasting and lush as they parted and welcomed my tongue briefly before pulling away. Our fathers clapped, our mothers cried. Peter slapped my back and Bella stood behind Edward with tears in her eyes.

Resting his forehead against mine, he grinned.

"We married, love," he told me as if I didn't know.

"We sure are, baby," I chuckled. "Thank you for this, Edward. I love you so much."

I felt the band around my finger, its weight comforting, forever a reminder that our love that had overcome our struggles.

"I'm yours in every way now, baby. You're stuck with me," I teased. We continued to ignore those around us, using those few precious moments to just be with each other.

"And I'm yours…always, Jasper."

Our lips met once again, as husbands, our entire lives spread before us, a future that would be faced together, always and forever.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading!

There are still more outtakes to come, but I thought it was fitting for the boys to marry on the one year anniversary of the story. What can I say, I'm a sap at heart apparently! And yes, they married on the beach right near my house.

There is a new multi-chapter J/E slash story up on my profile called _If on a Winter's Night_…it's an angsty one.

Also, L&F has been nominated in a few categories in the Slash Awards: Best I love you, Coming Out, Hand Job, Wank (go Jasper!), First time, Dry Hump, Phone Sex and First Kiss…yeah, I noticed they were all the smut categories too. Guess Perfectward and Jasper are just frisky boys, eh? You can vote for your favorites here http:/theslashawards (DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/2010/08/now-voting-is-really-open(DOT)html


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